Friday, April 10, 2009

Atypical Message of Love

Hi all!

I'm Back! It's been a torrential pass 6-8 months for me and man, did I need that much time to clean up my Life and my messes. But everything's OK now! And I am now trying to get back to being as happy as I was in 2007, somewhere round there I think.

But anyways, thanks to technology, I wrote an email to my beloved parents. I'm proud to have a mum who has an internet email address, although she never remembers it and asks Dad for it, since dad was the one who set it up for her.

I think she has come a long way from being a housewife whose horizons are the 5 by 5m of the HDB flat we all stayed in to being a kindergarten teacher whose horizons has widen beyond the schoolroom, albeit at a lowered angle of vision.

I wish for her now to expand beyond that, pass the schoolroom, pass the teacher's office, pass the local papers (which is written in a pro-govt language). I wish for her to see between the lines accurately and I wish for her to lose her sense of self-pity. In fact, I wish for her the ability to dissociate, because not everything that happens in the family is because of her. Siblings quarrel and fight. Perhaps when we are younger, we use nails, teeth and knuckles. But of cos, as we grow older, the ammunition become less physical, more mental.

Of cos, the weapons you cant see are always the ones that hurt the most, because the hurt continues even after they are withdrawn. In fact, even after the apologies.

But hey, that's Life and that's siblings. There is a reason why we are related by blood. Because water leaves no stains and no responsibility.

But as usual, i digress. i wish to publish an email to wrote to my parents just today. I don't know why i feel I should do this or even why my first post after such a long absence should be this particular email.

I think maybe, I just want to say, although i miss my blog, I miss my family more.

I wish for all of you that you can communicate with your parents like the way i am doing now. i am lucky this way.

here goes (almost verbatim):

Hi Pa and Ma,

I confirmed that I gave 1k to Ma in Dec hor (no wonder I no savings in Dec and Jan). From now on, all those ITR codes in the bank books are from me. ITR means Internet Transfer, only i do it, i think.

Actually I feel like splitting the house money to pass to you both leh, because I think Ma never check, always assume I never give (quite a few times liao), can be very upsetting and I feel quite unappreciated. Sometimes I don't give that month because I'm cash-strapped, but I always give more later to pay off the debt. I think not only should Ma not forget it but know that I am trying very hard.

So the 'fan xing' she tell me to do...I think she should do it herself. She should think long and hard. I'm not staying with you guys anymore and I have my own loans and living expenses. I don't have free board and food and I don't earn a lot, but I try my best to not only give money to you but I also try to show my appreciation in other ways because I know you two seldom try anything new. Just don't forget that I love you both very much, so although certain things can say, never say I don't care or compare with the other siblings concerning money. On the issue of caring, I think I'm equal. I also got more heart.

Sorry to put this in lah, but after talking with Mum just now, Im really quite sad because I think she loves to make split judgments without thinking. I don't think i should be more accommodating or tolerant because she is old and cannot change, if I do that, I'll never talk to her about important things, hahah.

I don't think she wants that and if she doesnt, she really should try and change because I've already changed alot. I don't scream at her just because I cannot get her to understand anymore, a blessing certainly. But it doesnt mean she has changed to understand me better. She is still the same, talking without thinking.

Ok lah, enough. Don't worry about this email lah, I just need to get this off my chest. If Pa is going to translate this message to Ma, then Pa, you must do it carefully, don't make this situation like the car thing with Bro, ok? Thanks ah. And Ma, if you are reading this, then you also be very careful to digest the whole message that I am telling you, not just the 1-2 points you can remember and then start thinking all the wrong thoughts. I write here because I am quite sure if I try to tell you on the phone, you will immediately find the first excuse to say sorry and forget about the whole thing and not actually learn from the whole situation.

Sorry is a very easy word to say but not very easy to act on.

And you two ah, I love you both very much, ok? Please see with your eyes big big hor! I may not be home or you may not see me very often, but I am working long hours, so if I don't call or anything, it does not mean I don't care.

Cheers ah and enjoy your weekend!

Ah Kueh

Will post every now and then for our guys. Miss you all.