Update: I'm not dispensing advice lah! Just telling her the various actions I would execute if it was ME in HER shoes and the reasons WHY. 'me in her shoes' words are highlighted in yellow.....:)
A very unconventional post today. Leave your opinions on this, if you like but no rude stuff. :)
Hi all!
I went out with C on friday for a drinking session. It’s true that I don’t drink much, because it wipes out the pocket faster than you can say, ‘Gan-bai!!!’ Also, I usually don’t have a proper transport home and I don’t trust the cab driver to understand my slurs and deposit me safely to my parents’ arm in the dead of the night without whipping up my skirts and humping my prostrate body. Yes yes, blame it on my creative juices, if not my hope that men shall find me irresistible, lying there snoring their ears off.
So we 2 gals were in this pretty dead bar. In the shrouded dark corner, there are only us, a bunch of NSmen and 2 uncles. No lah, we weren’t there drinking with them lah, the dark corner is quite big, the NS guys and the uncles were watching a soccer match on the big screen plasma instead.
On the other hand, I was trying to down vodka to get drunk. C just let me in a big horrendous secret which made my eyes go the size of ham-chee-pengs and throat suddenly thirsty for another vodka-lime.
A few things about C….
1. she’s chio (C for chio)
2. she’s tall
3. she’s got a model’s bod (ie towards the skinny side, but men loved it….haiz…eat more can? Just to make ME feel better?)
4. she’s single
5. she even has a heart of gold
And the whole litany would start:
She looks so gorgeous! Why’s she still single?
She’s single? No fricking WAY!
How can such a nice gal be available?
She too picky issit?
She must have had a history.
Can I get her number?
What kind of men she looking for?
And finally,
Wah...how you get a fren like that?!
Choujidan….these would be the ppl who eventually get kicked from my list of ‘potential friends’. But the truth hurts, C is indeed and forever shall be an enigma to those who knows me and wonders about our frenship.
In a paradigm shift, the truth is now hurting my fren. C bemoans if there will be anyone for her. Her job is set in this company that doesn’t have a turnover rate, so the men are mostly old and married. She is so busy she doesn’t actively seek out a social life. The ppl whom she does meet are clients, another no-no, apart from them being also again old and married. The guys who do dig her are often too short, doesn’t share her interests, look at her with sex in their eyes or are simply too flabbergasted in her presence to remember their names.
Have I told you guys I ROMed already? I tot I would like to talk about it, but Jay beat me to the altar with a voice blog that was funnier than whatever I could have written, so thanks ah!
So now C is morosely counting the days she’ll be considered a spinster. Here her fren (me) is sitting beside her, almost miraculously attached and married in seemingly whirlwind amount of time, and she is, well…..
‘you’ll going to scold me if you knew.’
‘no no, don’t tell me! You are seeing a guy’
‘ya.’
‘and he’s Married.’
Silence then… ‘yes.’
‘And you guys had a date.’
‘ya…a few.’
‘did anything happen?’
‘er….define ‘anything’?’
‘good grief, you guys ‘romped’, didn’t you?’
‘er…..’
‘nevermind, nevermind…..we’ll get to that later. Here’s the big question: did u KNOW he was married beforehand?’
‘erm…..no…’
‘Bastard.’
Which, I feel, sums up her current squeeze pretty eloquently, I might say.
‘Did you two discuss about it?’
‘He doesn’t want to talk about it.’
With this answer, I signaled the waiter to get me another vodka lime…..I needed another drink badly.
At the expense of roping all men into a category and yet plonking every bit of penny I own, I’d say this man probably has a good wife. A good wife to keep the family afloat, leaves him free to do his work and possibly independent in caring for the kids, meaning there isn’t any big huge fault with her to warrant aggravation and a divorce. Why I say that? Because if there’s anything wrong in the marriage, he would have said something, if only to make C more willing to continue this relationship. Why not?
The thing is this: It’s easier to sian zabors this way. Tear down her defenses and puff smoke across her eyes, get her to like you for your easy charm and confidence and maturity, make her get attracted to your passionate, sexy eyes. Wait till she’s settled blissfully in the palm of your hands.
Then spring the surprise.
Well, actually he didn’t say it outright himself. A sense of self-preservation made C casually question him, and ding –dong!! Surprise! He’s confirmed her worst fears.
Is it any fault on the girl to then want to continue this relationship? Is it any fault of the lady to go between you and your family? You, who had engineered the whole set-up and anticipated that her response would be to continue because it’s too late to defend herself from an attractive, eloquent, confident man like you?
If she had known you are married first time you meet, did you think it’d be that easy? She wouldn't have touched you with a bargepole.
But I don’t censure her. Let’s face it lah, if I get angry, it’s against the guy for shutting up his mouth till it’s too late. She is my friend and I'm not her goaler.
It’s not as if she brainless and doesn’t know what she going into, rite?
And who should be the dispenser of morals anyway? Not me! I’m not particularly moral. I’m just a conformist to this gracious society called Humanity becos I’m too fricking scared to get my ass whipped in public should my dirty laundry be made to hang swinging in the breeze.
Into my 3rd vodka, I was contemplating my fren’s understandable confusion. Here comes a guy whose really great, carries himself effortlessly, is mature and liberal and makes her feel comfortable, but he’s married. It’s a low blow to keep it from her (the fucker!) but essentially it’s too darn late.
What to do?
'well, what would U do? If you were in my shoes?’
And I was stumped. I went to the restroom and walked by the bar to get another vodka. It didn’t work and I was stone-cold sober. It also meant I’m responsible for whatever’s coming out of my mouth at that point. It’s me, not the alcohol, that’s doing the talking.
And I say, ‘if he's really oh-so-attractive and pumps me full of lustful hormones, I think I would. That said, it has to be Pure unbrideled lust hor. And nothing else. Becos he isn’t gonna leave his family for anyone, never. No woman is worth an exchange of kids and an OK wife, or even an OK wife with no kids but with a joint ownership of a house. ‘Own free will’ hor, no guy would do it. No cheating woman would, for that matter either.’
‘God, woman, you’re so pragmatic.’
‘Oy, you’ll have to be, if u still want this. If you think you like him, really really like him, then don’t hor. Will get jealous every time he spends his hours away from you, you’ll get depressed and have shouting or cold shoulder matches and after all that unleased pent-up energy, he’ll not leave his wife, he’ll probably leave you, becos u are an emotional baggage he cannot afford to bear.
‘hmm…’
‘If you are sex-starved like me and if you think you like him just cos he’s a sex apparatus, then go ahead if you can take the step lah. Although he bears a bigger responsibility for his family’s own demise more than you do, becos he had the intention of going astray, U’ll have to understand that you are helping him perpetuate his infidelity. In the course of it, don’t care for him, don’t listen to his grouses with the wife and kids, don’t try to know or find out anything that can make you care to make his life better. Ignorance is Bliss. At the first sign of danger, run! Oh yah, and I'd go test for STD if I was you.’
‘What?!’
‘Wah lau! Biology lah! Check for STD. You might not be his first and you won’t be his last. If he can get away with this, you might not even be the only one during this period. You’ll have really start checking your health and hope to God he doesn’t pass anything to you. Once it does, you’re gone.’
‘Oh wow…thanks ah….’
‘You’re welcome.’
It is a wonder that C still drove me home that night. She really could have left me in the bar in a huff, but she doesn’t.
A true testament to her love for me, to paint her such a crass picture of the whole thing and still let me get away with it.
But, I mean every word I say.
I started out wanting to discuss why women like older men when they are younger, and younger men when they are older….guess I digress.
Hey, fren, u take care and I support you in whatever decision you make and if u wan me to take this post down, just give me a call. This post is dedicated to you. Think carefully siah, you're on your own on this one.
Out!
AKK
Hi all!
I went out with C on friday for a drinking session. It’s true that I don’t drink much, because it wipes out the pocket faster than you can say, ‘Gan-bai!!!’ Also, I usually don’t have a proper transport home and I don’t trust the cab driver to understand my slurs and deposit me safely to my parents’ arm in the dead of the night without whipping up my skirts and humping my prostrate body. Yes yes, blame it on my creative juices, if not my hope that men shall find me irresistible, lying there snoring their ears off.
So we 2 gals were in this pretty dead bar. In the shrouded dark corner, there are only us, a bunch of NSmen and 2 uncles. No lah, we weren’t there drinking with them lah, the dark corner is quite big, the NS guys and the uncles were watching a soccer match on the big screen plasma instead.
On the other hand, I was trying to down vodka to get drunk. C just let me in a big horrendous secret which made my eyes go the size of ham-chee-pengs and throat suddenly thirsty for another vodka-lime.
A few things about C….
1. she’s chio (C for chio)
2. she’s tall
3. she’s got a model’s bod (ie towards the skinny side, but men loved it….haiz…eat more can? Just to make ME feel better?)
4. she’s single
5. she even has a heart of gold
And the whole litany would start:
She looks so gorgeous! Why’s she still single?
She’s single? No fricking WAY!
How can such a nice gal be available?
She too picky issit?
She must have had a history.
Can I get her number?
What kind of men she looking for?
And finally,
Wah...how you get a fren like that?!
Choujidan….these would be the ppl who eventually get kicked from my list of ‘potential friends’. But the truth hurts, C is indeed and forever shall be an enigma to those who knows me and wonders about our frenship.
In a paradigm shift, the truth is now hurting my fren. C bemoans if there will be anyone for her. Her job is set in this company that doesn’t have a turnover rate, so the men are mostly old and married. She is so busy she doesn’t actively seek out a social life. The ppl whom she does meet are clients, another no-no, apart from them being also again old and married. The guys who do dig her are often too short, doesn’t share her interests, look at her with sex in their eyes or are simply too flabbergasted in her presence to remember their names.
Have I told you guys I ROMed already? I tot I would like to talk about it, but Jay beat me to the altar with a voice blog that was funnier than whatever I could have written, so thanks ah!
So now C is morosely counting the days she’ll be considered a spinster. Here her fren (me) is sitting beside her, almost miraculously attached and married in seemingly whirlwind amount of time, and she is, well…..
‘you’ll going to scold me if you knew.’
‘no no, don’t tell me! You are seeing a guy’
‘ya.’
‘and he’s Married.’
Silence then… ‘yes.’
‘And you guys had a date.’
‘ya…a few.’
‘did anything happen?’
‘er….define ‘anything’?’
‘good grief, you guys ‘romped’, didn’t you?’
‘er…..’
‘nevermind, nevermind…..we’ll get to that later. Here’s the big question: did u KNOW he was married beforehand?’
‘erm…..no…’
‘Bastard.’
Which, I feel, sums up her current squeeze pretty eloquently, I might say.
‘Did you two discuss about it?’
‘He doesn’t want to talk about it.’
With this answer, I signaled the waiter to get me another vodka lime…..I needed another drink badly.
At the expense of roping all men into a category and yet plonking every bit of penny I own, I’d say this man probably has a good wife. A good wife to keep the family afloat, leaves him free to do his work and possibly independent in caring for the kids, meaning there isn’t any big huge fault with her to warrant aggravation and a divorce. Why I say that? Because if there’s anything wrong in the marriage, he would have said something, if only to make C more willing to continue this relationship. Why not?
The thing is this: It’s easier to sian zabors this way. Tear down her defenses and puff smoke across her eyes, get her to like you for your easy charm and confidence and maturity, make her get attracted to your passionate, sexy eyes. Wait till she’s settled blissfully in the palm of your hands.
Then spring the surprise.
Well, actually he didn’t say it outright himself. A sense of self-preservation made C casually question him, and ding –dong!! Surprise! He’s confirmed her worst fears.
Is it any fault on the girl to then want to continue this relationship? Is it any fault of the lady to go between you and your family? You, who had engineered the whole set-up and anticipated that her response would be to continue because it’s too late to defend herself from an attractive, eloquent, confident man like you?
If she had known you are married first time you meet, did you think it’d be that easy? She wouldn't have touched you with a bargepole.
But I don’t censure her. Let’s face it lah, if I get angry, it’s against the guy for shutting up his mouth till it’s too late. She is my friend and I'm not her goaler.
It’s not as if she brainless and doesn’t know what she going into, rite?
And who should be the dispenser of morals anyway? Not me! I’m not particularly moral. I’m just a conformist to this gracious society called Humanity becos I’m too fricking scared to get my ass whipped in public should my dirty laundry be made to hang swinging in the breeze.
Into my 3rd vodka, I was contemplating my fren’s understandable confusion. Here comes a guy whose really great, carries himself effortlessly, is mature and liberal and makes her feel comfortable, but he’s married. It’s a low blow to keep it from her (the fucker!) but essentially it’s too darn late.
What to do?
'well, what would U do? If you were in my shoes?’
And I was stumped. I went to the restroom and walked by the bar to get another vodka. It didn’t work and I was stone-cold sober. It also meant I’m responsible for whatever’s coming out of my mouth at that point. It’s me, not the alcohol, that’s doing the talking.
And I say, ‘if he's really oh-so-attractive and pumps me full of lustful hormones, I think I would. That said, it has to be Pure unbrideled lust hor. And nothing else. Becos he isn’t gonna leave his family for anyone, never. No woman is worth an exchange of kids and an OK wife, or even an OK wife with no kids but with a joint ownership of a house. ‘Own free will’ hor, no guy would do it. No cheating woman would, for that matter either.’
‘God, woman, you’re so pragmatic.’
‘Oy, you’ll have to be, if u still want this. If you think you like him, really really like him, then don’t hor. Will get jealous every time he spends his hours away from you, you’ll get depressed and have shouting or cold shoulder matches and after all that unleased pent-up energy, he’ll not leave his wife, he’ll probably leave you, becos u are an emotional baggage he cannot afford to bear.
‘hmm…’
‘If you are sex-starved like me and if you think you like him just cos he’s a sex apparatus, then go ahead if you can take the step lah. Although he bears a bigger responsibility for his family’s own demise more than you do, becos he had the intention of going astray, U’ll have to understand that you are helping him perpetuate his infidelity. In the course of it, don’t care for him, don’t listen to his grouses with the wife and kids, don’t try to know or find out anything that can make you care to make his life better. Ignorance is Bliss. At the first sign of danger, run! Oh yah, and I'd go test for STD if I was you.’
‘What?!’
‘Wah lau! Biology lah! Check for STD. You might not be his first and you won’t be his last. If he can get away with this, you might not even be the only one during this period. You’ll have really start checking your health and hope to God he doesn’t pass anything to you. Once it does, you’re gone.’
‘Oh wow…thanks ah….’
‘You’re welcome.’
It is a wonder that C still drove me home that night. She really could have left me in the bar in a huff, but she doesn’t.
A true testament to her love for me, to paint her such a crass picture of the whole thing and still let me get away with it.
But, I mean every word I say.
I started out wanting to discuss why women like older men when they are younger, and younger men when they are older….guess I digress.
Hey, fren, u take care and I support you in whatever decision you make and if u wan me to take this post down, just give me a call. This post is dedicated to you. Think carefully siah, you're on your own on this one.
Out!
AKK
33 comments:
Did I read correctly? You're getting hitched? Congrats!
hmmmm. good advice. but dunno if she'll take it. sometimes its harder to decide what the brain tells you when your heart is asking for something else.
good advice for her!
hey u've ROMed?! OMG... congrats!
jayaxe:
yup! u heard rite! I'm officially Mrs A now.:) hahaha....jackpot!
nad:
hahaha....it's not exactly advice, just what I'd do if it was me.:) It's not something to teach my kids next time, muahahaa...
ivanny:
hahaha...thanks, dearie! I'm mrs A now! :)
winter:
hehehe....it wasn't advice seriously, i will never presume to give her adice, hahaha...it's wat i'd do, but she is different from me.:)
barney:
u think she's in a pinch? nah....i dun think so, not that bad yet.:)
I guess its true.. men are bastards...
Your advice is sound and logical, and paints a very likely scenario of what would happen. I'm sure she's glad she talked to you..
My 2 cents worth is that I think the mind can be stronger than the heart; its possible to do whats right, not what your heart tells you to do.
I don't think it is a "wonder". All true friends will be honest to each other and appreciate that honesty. I would like to think she appreciated what you said and would be giving it proper consideration.
congrats on your ROM. may you have a happy marriage and grow old blissfully together. :)
and as for your friend's predicament... *ponders* i also dunnoe what to say, aside from what everyone has said. >.<
these men give males a bad name. i can understand where you are coming from and totally agree with your advice. however, like nadnut has said, sometimes we do what the heart says and not what the brain dictates. cliche as it sounds, sometimes its better to wait and let love look for you, instead of the other way round.
i sincerely hope your friend finds a way out of this situation. :)
wah! your news always so sudden one leh! hahaha .... congrats hor ... shit, u never mention u getting hitched, if not, i can organise bachelorette party for you :P (the kind with strippers one since u're so lustful) or did u already get one?? hahah ...
abt your friend ... i had this friend (ahem!) who went thro' the same thing. funny thing is, the guy said the same thing when she wanted to tok to him abt his wife! said he didn't want to tok abt it. Why do they say that? Becos they want to :
1) create the illusion that they're on bad terms with their wives dat's why they see comfort fm another female
2) they don't want the girl asking more questions.
in the event that a girl in ur friend's position ask if the man will get divorce, he will say:
1) i want to wait till my kid gets older
2) it's difficult; after all, she has borned me a child or .... blah blah blah ...
3) Give me some more time.
Sounds very CH8 tv serial like, but i swear that men use the same dialogues. Over and over.
This is speaking from experience, i tell you.
the first thought in my mind is "Men are Bastards"...
Dont know why they must have so many women... why do they even get married if they cannot keep their pants on... Shouldnt the wife be satisfying enough? If not, there is always paid service.. why must they cheat women who just wanted some love and concern..
your entry just made me more unwilling to take any step into any r/s..
ollie:
hmmm...actually i wun dare to actually say that. sometimes the feeling isn't there anymore. perhaps she's fine as a person, but what if she does not complete you? that said, shouldn't cheat also, probably make an amicable end. but most men cheat before they decided to walk away...
wally:
u say that so easily. we all have the responsibility to make the right decision, but if it's a fricking big decision that really tugs your emotions? will you take the righteous path (which is subjective also) and not regret it everyday for the rest of your life? if the regret is too big, you'll ruin their lives also.
acey:
as i say lah, it's not exactly advice, it's just a few actions I may execute if placed in the same situation. but seriously, I'll never know what I'll do unless I'm really in her shoes...
ensui:
i agree that this type of guy gives men a bad name. I cannot understand the need to be dishonest and secretive. she should be given the chance to make a choice before anything occurred.
adrenaline:
whoa! that's very comprehensive leh! experience? everything's OK now for your 'fren' rite? hehehe...congrats on urs too, and u know what I'm talking about.:)
jaschoc:
hehehe...no lah, not all lah. and seriously, sometimes it takes 2 hands to clap actually. sometimes things that dun matter to the wife matters a lot to the hubby, ie sexual needs? they may be compatible and comfortable in everyway, but things like this can still destroy a marriage, particularly that the biology of men can be so diff from the women...I think have to talk it over and compromise.
But for you, I'd like to say not to be unwilling...just make sure he is sexually compatible, hahahaha....which may be difficult to find out. :) I think that's very important in a relationship. Perhaps men don't actually look out for this trait in their GFs/wives?
I for one do not like older men cause they always think they so much more than women!!!
Ask them who is Pikachu, they'd however think its Hello Kitty..
it is not always the man. there are many women cheating on their husbands too.
Affairs of the heart is always a difficult pickle.
Outsiders looking in will always have the clear view of things. Unfortunately, it is not the same for those stuck inside.
Let them sort it out among themselves in the meantime. There is nothing you as an outsider can do except to be there to catch her when she falls.
Send my luck to C.
averil:
heh...really? if he has kids...
simple man:
hahaha...i never said it is a gender-issue. I mentioned 'cheating women' also.
jay:
say me ah? I am not advising her. Far from it. Once again, I have to reiterate that I'm not telling her or advising her on what to do, merely telling her what I might do in her shoes. It's different. U are right of cos to not get involved, I dun presume to be the disenser of morals, neither am I stereotyping. I just think he's pretty lousy for not saying he is married and give my fren a chance to reconsider. That is my only concession to an opinion. Anything else is a course of action I will pursue in her shoes, not advice. Never advice, becos I am not in any position to dispense them. In fact, I may fare even worse than her. OTOH, as I leave the comments open, all are free to leave their words. u might like to read my replies to them.
*sitting on the fence* AKK :)
And yes, lah, already tell she's on her own liao, just 'hoop' her when she fall.
just tell your friend that as long as she is happy... (even after knowing he is married)...you will respect her decision and wish her well.
(there is no right or wrong in such issues)
mht:
A very long reply for you. :)
firstly, I am not advising her on anything, only telling her what I'd do, in the course of it, 'I' become 'you', that's a common writing/talking style and wholly not directed at her.
secondly, i dun care wat decision she makes cos I trust her to know what she wants and all the implications.
thirdly, i know you are saying that there is no right/wrong in the issue of extramarital affairs, sometimes areas can be very grey. But in this particular one, that man who kept his fucking 'I'm married' secret, now THAT is fucking WRONG. different situations have different degrees of black/white/grey, I don't want to lump them all under 'extra-marital' and say that there is absolutely no right nor wrong under this topic.
fourthly and very frankly, telling her i respect her decision as long as she is happy smacks of irresponsibilty. I deliberately don't say the word 'happy' because I honestly dun think this is a happy-decision-making period. She has to bear full and utter responsibility for her actions and it is my duty to pull her floating feet back down to mundane earth. then I know that watever decision she makes, it's because she has already used both her brains and her heart, and not just becos she can be 'happy'. All my frens are logical ppl who never based everything just on emotions, that's why they are my frens.
('happy' in this case, is also a subjective term.)
No hard feelings.:)
AKK:)
akk:
1) while yr fren did not ask you outright to advise her, your answer to the question "what would u do if you were in my shoes" will definitely be taken in and affect her. many a times, we have already form an opinion or make a decision on an issue but we seek opinions from others to reaffirm our decision.
2) while you may not care wat decision she makes cos I trust her to know what she wants and all the implications. , you are concerned enough to 'highlight' certain recupercussions to her when u put yrself in her shoes. believe this is what as a concerned fren you shd do.
3) in such extramarital affairs situation, all three parties (wife, guy, yr fren) are in a lose-lose-lose situation. though on the surface the guy may hv the best of both worlds, we do not really know. whtr they shd share 30-50-20 percent of the blame or 10-70-20 percent, i really do not know. what i do know is that it takes two hands to clap and if yr fren is not willing , the guy cannot force her. hence that is why i said there is no right or wrong.
4) if your frens are logical ppl who never based everything just on emotions, then do you need to pull her floating feet back down to mundane earth.? we are all emotional beings, sometime somethings we do cannot be explain by logic. we do make decisions based on 'feelings' or 'gut feel' or 'six sense'.
...I know that watever decision she makes, it's because she has already used both her brains and her heart - i fully agree with you that she shd think through the whole situation using both logic and emotions, and not solely based on emotions alone.
当局者迷，旁观者清, i hope your fren make a wise decision and once a decision has been made, move on.
it is easy my me to dish out opinions here but i do respect your comments and concerns as a fren to her.
(above are just my opinions which you may not agree)
mht:
1) you are precisely correct that ppl are asking for reaffirmation, but as you can see, i didn't reaffirm her in anything at all, i just gave choices.
2)yup, the repercussions are mostly likely to happen in this way, and i dun care what decision she makes as long as she use her brain... hehehehe....i know lah, i very concerned, i'm not forcing her decisions but i cannot help from dealing with the 'logistics' of the choices.
3) most assuredly must pull her down because the whole episode just started, the excitment of this situation can be surreal. see below.
I thank you for your comments and words. I keep forgetting that C is also updating herself on this post and its comments. And seriously, your comments have helped.
I'm very defensive about my treatment of my frens, becos there are many ppl out there who questions why I seem to be morally inept. they question why i don't say the right things to those I love, 'right things' being that she should just give this married man a serious wide berth. These ppl think it's my duty to push my frens onto a moral path. having experience that, I realise I dun like to be told in any way how i should treat my frens. this is pretty fucked-up behavior on my part and i should change because all forms of advice are helpful and all suggestions should be accepted since the 'lines are open'. For this, i humbly apologise for my previous long-winded comment. sorli *salute*. :)
what i do know is that it takes two hands to clap and if yr fren is not willing , the guy cannot force her. hence that is why i said there is no right or wrong.
hmmm...as to that, I still think him keeping the marriage from her is a telltale sign that he does not respect her need nor want to give her the opportunity to make an informed decision. Do u think it's still fair to make her like him first before springing the truth on her? or is it more fair for her to walk into it with eyes wide open?
by hiding his marital status during 'romping', i'd say he is doing something wrong. he should have been more respectful. If she knew he's married, she might have been 'less willing' and he was afraid of the lost opportunity to enjoy the intimacy.
For this , he is conniving and manipulating, therefore 'fucking wrong', a 'bastard' and a 'fucker'.
Yea. Do you agree? :) OK if not, to each his own, but I'd like to hear. :)
The fact that he deliberately withheld the fact that he's married, probably means he's not exactly truthful about other things either.
I can never be happy with someone who is not truthful with me.
akk,
i would like to break down the situation into two parts.
first part: before C knew that he is married.
second part: after C knew that he is married.
i agree that during the first part, C is conned into a relationship as the guy has withheld information on his marital status.
upon knowing that he is married, C has two choices: clean break or carry on. C must have thought through the outcome of both. if she chooses to stick with him (cos she like/luv him, emotions put into it blah blah blah), then C must know that she has turned from an innocent victim to a partner-in-crime. the crime here being infidelity lah.
i am not saying whtr it is right or wrong to continue the relationship. it is for her to decide. but i want to highlight that she must be aware of the consequences of such 'dangerous' (if i may use this word) liasons.
she must think long and hard. where is the relationship going to lead to finally, 10 , 20, 30 years from now? i foresee that the future is paved more with heartaches, tears, sorrow and loneliness rather than joy and laughter. yes, C may feel happy if the guy make time for her. but what will happen to her in times of need (when she is sick, during annual festival periods like birthdays, xmas, new year). and i hv not even gone into what happen if the wife of the guy finds out!
长痛 (long pain)or 短痛 (short pain), it's for C to decide.
i am a pessimistic person by nature, so my thoughts and thinkings are skewed to that side.
after debating both the pros and cons of whtr to continue the relationship, i do hope C can come to a decision and move on. believe me, this kind of relationship issues can drag on for years without a decision being made whtr to break or not.
and when/where necessary, i am sure C has a group of good frens (meaning AKK, yes you), always there to support her, give her encouragement or just lend a listening ear. (lend a shoulder to cry on also can)
hope i am not too drama-mama in this long winded reply.
good luck!
dear barney,
hmmm...that's very true hor. C! u taking notes? hehehe..:)
dear MHT,
I'm very glad and happy to have a reader to my blog like you. 2 of us (yes, u and me) had a debate and carried it all the way to its conclusion, and made sure that our points have been made clear and addressed on both sides. I am gratified that you have spent so much time and effort on your comments for this post. your words have been very helpful and you are definitely no drama-mama lah! Assuredly, your comments will give more insight to C.:)
Till the next time we have another tennis match again! hehehe... :)
akk,
aiyoh tennis match? old man like me cannot take it lah!
verbal exchange of ideas okay lah. since i am so free at work!
haha.
hi there
your post was interesting. and for what's it worth, I think it's great that you've not taken the 'moral highground' and told her what to do. she clearly knows what's happening in her life is not right (otherwise, why would she be sheepish about it when she told you).
however, because it involves emotions and feelings, much as she probably felt she should be engaging her brain rather than her heart (and other parts of her body), she was probably fighting a losing battle.
With regards to the man, yes, he was probably wrong in trying to conceal his marital status (that's from your friend's pov - he might not have meant to, but he's not here to defend himself). Perhaps he did not mean for the friendship to turn into a relationship of sorts? perhaps it was contextual and situational. we don't know what his relationship is like with his wife/family.
Saying that, this does not mean that he had a definite excuse to go seeking other females' company - sometimes how they start off can't be helped. of course, when she finally found out that he was married, she then had the choice to pursue it, or to stop it. it looks to me that she's continuing with it - that, as another poster suggests, she's already aware of the consequences (or she should be, by now!).
I honestly think that rarely do these situations 'mean to happen'. alot of the time, these things DO happen.
you may choose to believe that he's a bastard - he very well might be. I hope he isn't though, and that he eventually chooses the right path for all. it is usually a lose-lose-lose situation for all three parties, unfortunately.
good luck.
‘If you are sex-starved like me and if you think you like him just cos he’s a sex apparatus, then go ahead if you can take the step lah. Although he bears a bigger responsibility for his family’s own demise more than you do <-- That's really errr selfish, for lack of a better word.
I've been inside this family feud all because of a bastard, and it really really hurts at times. Especially for my mother.
Guess a man who can't control his carnal desires is not worthy of any woman. Especially the woman who takes care of the kids, sacrificing her damn fucking time donning aprons at home.
I think they both play equal parts in his family's demise, and no ignorance is not bliss.
Salut! I used to think you're juz smart and funny. Now I add empathy, wisdom and maturity. Down the years, I've realized that 99% of 'well-intentioned' advice isn't timely. I like to think most people (esp. friends oneself surround with) are smart enough to know what to do most of the time. They prolly juz want a sounding board, hear their own voice articulate that millionth silent conversation running through their head, with an old dear fren they're comfy with. After all, it IS the millionth time they've run through every facet of the subject can?
You said exactly what she needed to hear. Did good there, AKK.
C: I've found that in making decisions of the heart, its helpful to have zero contact with the person in question until I've come to a decision about the whole situation.
Congrats on your ROM!! Show some mei mei de pics on ur next post leh. Square, circle or blur off the impt parts lah. Onz bo? =)
As for your friend, guess what have been said have already been said. Duhz! Regardless of what decision she makes, be it now or later, you being her friend can only stand by her. In this situation, seriously lah, there is nothing much you can do except to advise her, cos the ultimate decision-maker is her.
mht:
wah lau.....'so free' sounds fantastic....haiz...
anon:
actually, they went on an official date, and romping ocurred pretty soon after leh., i dun see how he could defend himself. his intentions were pretty clear.:) thanks for the luck. C shall need it. i'd see if there's a chance to update on the situation.:)
ayihs:
actually i do believe the one in the dark to be truly at a disadvantage here. at least now my fren can still make an informed choice, we cant say the same for the wife.:)
derrick:
u know, i wrote this whole entry, trying to reason out the whole thing by placing self over others. u can see that all the points here were for self-defence. you are the first commentor who is heavily driving the moral point of the whole issue and I thank you for that. I was actually looking for comments like yours, because it's extremely valuable. I'll frankly say that I've never been caught in this situation and did not suffer from such consequences, and you contributed a great deal by voicing on the side of someone caught in it without choice. I think C should take your comment to a new level. you have given her a perspective to look from and the emotional turmoil of the family.
I agrre with you. Ignorance is definitely not bliss, if you are the victim and not the perpetrators (ie. mistress and man).
vandice:
oh man! that's a right move there! C, pls heed him and dun contact the man till u've settled the issue to your satiafaction?
li-er:
muahahaha....square off and cut out? if i do that hor, you wun see anything at all, hahahah...thanks for the well-wishing! :)
I agree with you. Hopefully that knocked some sense into your friend.
Ah. Congratulations too.
ah, i got your blog link frm a friend~ started reading your archives and I really like your blogging style very much! You're a very natural and very real person, unlike all the other bloggers out there. Your entries can be so amusing, yet so sweet, then again serious, all in relation to day-to-day life, in the most natural and honest way. I like your blog very much! ^-^
--Kaori.
Congrats on your ROM! Got pictures to show or not? ;)
zenith:
thanks, man. :)
suspicious bastard:
muahahah....kam siah...about the only good thing happening right now in my life.:)
zhebin:
u know hor, that's an extremely fantastic way to look at it. very simple, therefore th best.:)
kaori:
aiyo! very glad u like the way i write, so sad that I'm too busy to spend much time on this anymore. I'll try to update, tho.:)
bravewimp:
to say I can be her guiding light is indeed cliqued. How about looking at it this way: When i wrote to MHT, i also expressly went against his words, 'as long as she's happy.' You and I are together on this one. I don't think anyone will be happy in this scenario, so I never said it should be so and never told C to make a decision based on happiness. I just said that she should do what she decides on. The thing is, who doesn't know exactly what the 'morally upright' and 'ethical' decision should be? I know it, she knows it, everyone knows it. C didn't come to me for a take on the issues to be morally correct. It's precisely because I don't preach, that's why she tells me such things. She KNOWS what she SHOULD do, but the strength to execute that step will never come from me. it should come out of her own strength. why? because she is her own counsel and woman. if I only care to tell her what's the right thing to do, I'd be the same as anyone in the streets.
Everyone should be made responsible for their own actions.
On the hand that I am sitting on the fence, heheeh, i never said i wasn't. I'm sitting there alrite and proud that I can still keep my cool. if it were up to me, I would have just gone and expose the guy. The wife shall know what kind of person he is, and I'd save C from uneccessary day-dreams that things can work out well. If I were a parent, I might do this to save my child. but guess what? C's not my kid, she's living and breathing 26-yr-old person who should be allowed to make her own decision. and my future kid might probably hate me. The wife might also hate me for showing her something she did not want to see, even. the human heart is so difficult grasp!
while i gave her all these options, C knows exactly what's the best way out and she also knows exactly what I want her to do. I don't have to say it, but she knows, and whether her decision will dissappoint me in the end, is also somthing she'll have to mull over, but the baseline is that I'll never dump her for her decision and will respect her becos she has made up her mind. hmmm.....i'm talking some long shitty crap here, but can u understand I need to be let her make her own decision?
.......没完没了. Move on with life.
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