The Green Comer *koff*.

Hi all!


You know you are in big trouble when at least 3 of your blog entries are related to your handphone. So far hor, the adventures I’ve had with my Motorola L6 have been in the following sequence:

1) Choosing between a damn chio chio Nokia or a really san-por L6. It was the fight between being superficial (nokia for 300++) and being miserly (L6 for 8). I guess the decision was easy. I rather be an ugly miser with loads of monies than a super-chio spendthrift spending my own money….of cos if there’s other ppl’s money to spend, then I might not have written so much about my handphone caper in here….*long suffering sigh*


2) Letting my san-por L6 do a 6-storey bungee jump without bungee. Enuff said, the heart can only take so much.


3) Having to realize that the fricking minute I took an itsy step into the fricking office, my handphone now become ‘emergency calls only’. Because of chui-kueh (now sadly defunct, not him, the blog), I am not allowed to swear here, although I actually think he already knows all the 10,000 swearwords in various dialects and foreign language and even the extra 300 from ancient texts hidden buried under the fallen nose of the sphinx, so I shall say mother-choujidan-ing jidan-er, or fricking fricker or extra-chou-jidan-ing jidan-er or even chou-fricking-fricker-jidan-ing-jidan-er.

I believe I am in a position here to make all handphone owners cradle their phones and kiss the CustomerServiceOfficers regardless of all the bad blood you’ve spurted over anything remotely connected to your communication device and that is this:


At the very least, if I
- kena get my cellulite pinched by the photocopier which I’m illegally sitting on with to find out my plunking surface area. (I find that doing it without pants will give a smaller surface. Really.)


- kena get my hand stuck in the printer while trying to steal change the print cartridge.


- Kena face burnt and cut by the PC screen when the moniter blew up due to opening too many windows of hot scalding pron EXCEL spreadsheet.


I can still call 999, 911, 995 on my handphone and let the Home Team crowbar my butt off the feeder (with gloves for their protection.); unravel my ribboned hand (multi-coloured) from the rollers; remove the shrapnel from my pimply face (or leaving it as an improvement. Rubber gloves. Thickness 3 mm.)


HOWEVER, and this is where u rejoice that such a thing should happen to me so that it will not happen to you, thanks to statistical probability, is that while all corners lets me call Home Team for pranks during break time, 1 eerie spot in the room not only has no ‘emergency calls only’, it has ‘no service’ half the time and ‘no sim card detected’ the other half.


Now imagine that spot (jidan jidan jidan!) to be my cubicle.


Yea……u can all French kiss your friendly phones and the walls of your office in deep appreciation that they are holding hands of reception.


So now I am currently still holding on to a skinny, post-mortem, post-trauma handphone, sitting alone in the Bermuda Triangle right under the nose of the green umbrella.

And so the entry today is about the coming of the green man (hur hur). To my delight, an urban myth has been answered during his coming (hur hur hur). I mean, I never really seriously asked if all employees of the orange/red/green companies have to have a orange/red/green subscription for their HPs respectively, but its actually true. All green ones subscribes to green, red to red and so on.

So imagine again that I called the green company who sent a green man to come (hur-okok stop) and get some surveying done to find out if there’s really some missing patches of green. He was 15 min late in coming (snigger) and when he found me, told me he had being using that 15 min trying to find out where I was.

With his green phone.

I didn’t even have to explain anything and he already found the cold lonely spot I’d been sitting for months. In any case, I wasn’t mentally capable stringing any words together after realizing I am looking at the cutest guy on the block at that point in time (a very easy feat actually).

‘Ma’am, I’m now going to find 5 more spots of non-activity, so that we are able to contact the higher powers to start acting. You know where I’m coming from?’

I shifted my eyes downwards before realizing it’s only English and hastily skittled them up and

‘Yes yes, *koff* I know. Would you like me to come with you?’

Oh Gods. Behind my placid eyes, the angel in me was on his knees begging that I’m hopefully the only gutter-brain in the office, if not the world, while the rest of me was trying to make me break out in chuckles. While the innuendo flew pass his head (heng ah!) into the horizon, the eventual constipated look must have warned him some.

‘I’ll be fine doing it alone.’

‘*koff* OK then. Enjoy yourself. *koff koff*’


With a wierd look, he left me stuck in a coughing fit.

Suffice to say, it was all too easy to find 5 spots of non-activity in the whole area, my own spot being the worse. The green man himself look slightly sheepish and kept saying he himself also very paiseh over this very valid obvious hole on the canvas of the umbrella corporation. He had finished his surveying in 10mins flat and didn’t need any of his 007 tools from his impressive suitcase.


Nah, he just walked around the whole room and looked at his phone.

3 days later, I got a call from them saying that the ‘building has rejected their enhancement proposal’.


That, if you aren’t aware, is the euphemism ‘we offered to correct the problem but your company refused to pay.’


So…..I am back to square 1.


Jidan jidan jidan….


Thank goodness I’m leaving this horrible place soon.


PS. For the record, the green customer service is really good actually. At least they entertained me all the way and are unfailingly polite while I ranted and raved and cried and simpered. The problem isn’t exactly with them. Guess it takes 2 hands to clap.

It's official! I'm moving...

...to a new job!


Because of the following reason:

I'm a ghost in there. my mail still gets shuttled to Lost and Found cos they still don't know i exists. I don't get welfare emails sent to me becos of the same reason. for the longest time, I got my salary by approaching Finance for written cheques cos my staff ID isn't ready. I got no immediate employer whom to report to or be taken care of. I'm constantly fighting my own battles to get a measly increment promised to me and HR refuses to talk to me (via phone or email!!!). Worse, the susperiors listens with righteous indignance to my predicament, and instead of helping, say, 'we are behind you! go Fight!' Shall I just say that they are the ones who agreed to increase my pay in the 1st place? my contract is a measly 1 year and when they renewed it, it's only for another year and it's exactly the same as before. Hello, I'm sorry, but I need to point out, wtf I study so fricking much for if it wasn't to get more monies? I'm fine if I get employed on a low deal because I'm fresh entry, but at the very least, pls recog my further studies and my actual conferrment when I've recieved it on my new contract.


And all of them say, 'well, if you aren't happy with the conditions, then don't renew your contract.'

Oh yah, what arrogance.

And so I didn't.

so when 1 of the more clueles superiors knew about it, the following conversation occured:

'excuse me? you are leaving? why didn't you tell me? how do i care whether you gave a 9 week notice, what are we doing to do when u just hightail off like that? Yes, i know you didn't resign, you just decided not to renew, but you never told me your contract only 1 year! you could have said and I would have made it a 2 year contract for you, no big deal!'

incidentally, the one who said that? he was the guy who decided to MIA from the panel of interviewers during my application for said job. during then interview, I asked for a 2 year contract and they say they coudn't. so how about giving you an increment come the new contract? then u'll promise verbally to stay for 2 years. so no increment? no verbal promise of 2 years. sorry. in any case, it's a blessing in disguise the contract only 1 year, so they cannot bug me for anything, cos I did not tender an resignation at all. heng ah....

so now, I'm off to greener pastures in a few month's time.


hur hur hur....one up ur ass, man.

But of cos, not burning my bridges....I shall miss my colleagues here, whom have been actively keeping my precious secret of sourcing for another job from the superiors. I know if I leave, they'll be doing all the extra work, but they still encourage me anyway.

I am extremely blessed.


Thanks you guys for not hating me, but a promise is a promise is a promise. no increment? no stay.


Out,
akk

Treasure of the world

Warning: Long entry. Proceed at risk.

Once upon a time, there lived a King in a faraway kingdom. He was a fighter, this king. Everything in his life, he fought and won them. He waged battles to increase his land and his coffers until his kingdom was the biggest and the richest among all others.

The King was so much a fighter that he could never be still. When he wasn’t trying to expand his lands, he went on quests to search for all the oldest and beautiful artifacts to add to his mounting collection of war trophies. At the same time, his people loved and respected him for the fairness he dealt in all things and for his strength and thus they made good the land that he won for them.

And then there was thus more money crinkling in the coffers and more treasures, gems and diamonds in the castle keep. He had the rarest old silks by the bale which ancient production techniques were long lost. He owned the largest ruby in the world, taken from the eye of the Snake God in its temple filled with, till now, manic followers. He slept on pillows filled with the feathers of phoenixes died and reborn.

The king, it was touted, was the owner of all the treasures in the world.

But the King was not happy (of cos, I think you figured). He always felt he needed and wanted more. In the middle of acquiring country A, he was planning a hostile take-over in country B. He went out of his way to acquire all the treasures in the World, but he’d only feel that minute of intense joy when the last enemy threw down his weapon or when he held an exquisite work of art.


One minute, and the fleeting excitement will leave him hungry for another conquest.


When the King finally conquered the last state in the whole world and made it his, he left his men happy and contented that their final ordeal is behind them and went alone to rocky cliffs. On the needle shores of his newest conquest, he fell to his knees and wept in deep sorrow.


Your Highness….


Startled he wiped his eyes quickly and looked around.


Your Highness….


He was sure it was the wind echoing his name.


Why do you weep so, whispered the Wind.


The king felt small in the presence of the wind, which can be as gentle as a breeze or as terrible as a hurricane. He felt compelled to answer the omnipotent entity.



‘I am not content. I have everything I could possibly desire but I desire none.’ The King confessed in a low voice.



You seek but you see nothing, said the Wind. You fought your wars without Just cause. Did you think that this world was made for you to possess?



‘It must be so because I have united all lands under me, I possess all there is!’ The King was angry. He felt he had not been taken seriously.


‘The world is mine. Everything you see, it is mine. All the treasures in the world, Mine!’


Do you now, laughed the wind. And suddenly a large gale whipped and crashed the waves against the cliff where the king stood. The King swung his sword this way and that, but of cos, it did not work.

How about, challenged the wind, the treasure of the World?

‘What?’

I bet you don’t have that, laughed the wind again, causing small pebbles to blow into the king’s face.

‘What is this treasure of the World? I have never heard of it.’


You’ll not know it till you find it, your Highness. And once you find it, you’ll be happy.


Hope tinged the King words. ‘You have a cure for my sorrow?’



Never will you want nor desire more, it will complete you.

Thus said, the wind stopped blowing and the sea grew dead calm. It was gone as quietly as it came.



And the king, full of hope that he can be happy, went back and tidied up his states. Once he had appointed all his ministers and assigned all his duties and kissed all his wives, he disappeared to set off on a journey for this mysterious treasure of the World.



It was to be the beginning of a decade search.



The king back-tracked and retraced his steps. Traveling alone, he journeyed to all those lands he had fought and won. Everywhere he went, he found new things to see, smell, hear, touch and taste. Once he saw these conquests as, well, conquests, but gradually he begins to discover that the world was so much more than something to be gained, won, and then tamed.



Some places (like X, Y and Z) were so foreign that it did not care about who was governing them, much less notice a change occurring in the monarchy. There were some places where the news took years to reach and the people who lived there thought nothing of politics and war. In one, only the four seasons and the endless fields of vineyards and small red or white grapes kept the peoples’ interest. In another, only the monsoons and the endless fields of saplings in knee-deep mud and the pureness of husked rice occupied their attention. In yet another, only the half-year of sunshine and the endless cold icebergs and the trawl of silver-scaled fishes filled up their lives.



He was tolerated as a ‘nice young man’ in these parts, although it was generally agreed laughingly that he was a complete dullard on everything.



He had asked them about the Treasure of the World (with a capital T? You sure?), but seriously, and they told him so, if there is such a treasure call that, they’d have changed its name immediately. But while they could offer no help as to the real honest-to-goodness so called Treasure of the World (and here, they’ll roll their eyes), they did, however, offered their opinion what they thought is The treasure and welcome the strange man with the funny accent to it.



‘Have a drink?’ asked the X-ians.
‘Have a bowl?’ asked the Y-ians.
‘Have a bite?’ asked the Z-ians.



And while the King would always say, ‘I need to get going; I need to find my treasure.’ Nevertheless, he would always stay for a little while longer just because.



Many a time does a recurrent thought intrudes on the King: that there were so many different beings in the whole world, and they all behaved and thought differently. yet they bleed like him, fall sick like him and given the choice, walked on 2 legs and sleep lying down. A mirror of himself multiplied a gazillion-fold and with each copy occurs within itself an mismatch, a change, a difference. The King was astounded and learnt new things everyday, the type of grapes grown, the name of different grains, the difference between 2 identical fishes. But most of all, he learned to appreciate. And relax.

So the quest became longer and longer. The Treasure of the World seemed less of an enticement with each year. Like an excuse, he used it to open up their hearts to him (after rolling their eyes at the name). It was the same every time, he’d ask them and they tell him it’s a terrible name (terrible terrible!), before proceeding to announce what they think it should be and introduce it gladly.



And so in a blink of an eyelid, 10 years had gone by. The King had since traveled to all his kingdoms but realized he had barely scratched the surface. During then, there were several manhunts to look for him, but the drawings of him, oh how he guffawed! All wore a crown and a set of chainmail. It is as if the royal painter, who had known every single curve and precious stones on his circlet of gold and velvet and had recognized every dip and dent of the steel chink of his chain, had had a sudden attack of amnesia trying to recall the king’s face. It is as if the essence of himself had been built under his crown and armour and that once they were exchanged for peasant clothes, he had morphed into somebody else, the kingliness in him that everyone recognised had been borne off by his appearance.



One day, the king once again found himself at the edge of a cliff over a rollicking sea, admiring the horizon of sunrise. Sometime during the recent months, he’d heard that the kingdom had finally declared him dead and stopped all searches. His eldest son would be taking over the running of the land and under the well-meaning hands of his ministers, would be groomed as the next king.


Which is all very well, thought the ex-King, but suffered a twinge of homesickness at that thought.


Hence he faced the sea, knowing this is where the wind was most easily spotted.


Cupping his hands, he hollered, ‘I have been to the 4 corners of the world and back but I have not found this Treasure of the World you have spoken of. No one knows what it is and everyone thinks it’s something else.’


‘My desire to possess it drove me, but although I still do not possess it, I now desire it not.’


The wind did not comment but the ex-King felt the breeze picked up.


‘You have said that having it would complete me. But I now feel complete without it.’


A hollowness in his ears greeted him, but the wind remained silent.


‘You said it would cure my sorrow, but now I have no sorrow for it to take away.’


The waves begin to climb higher as the wind grew stronger and whipped around him. The King tried again.


‘I have not found it but I am happy. I am content!’


And a huge wave from the suddenly turbulent sea reared its head and crashed a foot from where the ex-king stood.


‘But I need to know! I need to know what this treasure is!’



Then jump! He heard the Wind spoke. The wave rose under the draw of the Wind and froze itself like a tendril of finger, beckoning the king.



The giant sized finger waved at him and the King, for all his heroics, felt at once terrified by the strength of the wind and by its erratic temper.



He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaped. The finger wrapped itself around him and melded back into the sea. Again the sea immediately calmed and the wind continued on its way, laughing silently.


A burst of cold salty wetness hit the king’s body like the shock of a cough sweet he once took from a medicinal villager.


Once again, the wind had left him with cryptic words. That thought persisted until he realized that while he had been busily trekking the lands and mountains, he had not searched the seas.


Perhaps the Wind had decided to let go of subtlety and hustled him into the cold wet blue instead.


He floated and drifted through the currents and asked the schools of fish the same question. But of course the fish had no concept of treasure, being that gold and silver did not fill their tummy. Although they did direct him often to the many shipwrecks drifting through eternity with their skeleton crew.


The king despaired. He really wanted to go back onto the land, but when the anatomical water enclosed him, he had grown gills and breathed water. When he tried to climb ashore, he started gasping and his lungs started burning. His face turned as blue as the ocean when he finally gave up and accepted that he had, if temporarily, become a fish with 2 legs.


He regretted his curiosity. The Wind was right. It knew that the king wasn’t truly as content as he felt. If he was, he wouldn’t have asked to know the answer to what he had been searching for. The horrible thing is, is that he felt that he was on the verge of discovering it just when he was summoning the wind but had taken the easy way out by asking.



‘I’m in this way over my head.’ Said he and chuckled at his lame joke.


Just then, an octopus as big as the king lumbered up and settled beside him on the deepsea coral. For once, someone had approached the king instead of the other way round.


‘Mmm…excuse me…’


‘Yes?’ said the king.


‘I have a problem…mmmMmmm.’


‘I have been searching for something for quite a long while…Mmmmm…could you help me?’


‘Please don’t tell me you started out being human.’ The King’s heart grew cold.


‘Oh no no, been a squid all my life….’


He relaxed. ‘Ok, what?’


‘Mmmmm….I have been looking for something called water. Do you know what it is? Water? Only that no one here seems to know.’


‘Why!’ the king swept his hands around. ‘All this is water!’


‘Where?’


‘Here!’


‘What, the corals?’


‘No! You can’t see it because you’re in it!’



Suddenly, the ex-king's head snapped up and his brow cleared. Like a hurtling train, his past experience for his whole life rushed by, like a series of snapshots.


His mum, his dad, his first horse. His men, his wife, his kids. His mornings, his noons, his nights. His love, his laughter, his anger. The sunrise, the sunsets, the stars, the moon. The horizon, the breeze, the rain.


The wine, the rice, the fish.


He started laughing and ignored the octopus (which was ignoring him also, so happy it was whirling like a UFO), great big gulps of laughter that peeled his insides. At once, the water that had magically not affected him began to make him uncomfortable. His gills abruptly disappeared. Half gasping and bubbling with joy, he stroked with strong arms till his head popped out the water and he could breathe again.


'I have it! I have it!' He shouted it to the bright blue sky while bobbing in the waves. And did the ex-King laughed and whooped in laughter at his own stupidity and cried tears of joy that he was given the opportunity to possess such a great gift.


And the wind, invisible but always there, looked on as the ex-King swarm back to shore and returned to his beloved kingdom. It watched as he officially retired and handed his elder son his crown (whom he buried in the garden) in a big grand ceremony. It watched when the king sent men to upgrade the villagers of X, Y and Z, who while happy that somebody had come to fix their dripping roof, was nevertheless unsure who exactly, is the king now?


(Oh aye? Oh, him. He was a nice man, but a complete dullard. We 'ad to teach him everything. Looking for Fool’s gold, we told 'im. He must have discovered finally that our wine/ rice/fish is indeed the Treasure and have rewarded us for our wisdom. Thank you, my man. Incidentally, there’s a patch over there you’ve missed. Yup, over there. You're welcome. Want to try a little of our Treasure?)



And the wind would watch as the old king stand on the cliffs to watch the horizon and the sunrises and the sunsets and hollered its name, thanking it for wisdom everyday. Sometimes he would bring his wives and sometimes the new king. And while the wind never answered anymore, it would breezes to swept the old king in acknowledgement.



And Wind agreed that while the old king was a complete dullard, he was nevertheless finally, a happy one.

Out,

AKK (alive and happy)

Helllloooooo Moto! A Letter of Complaint

To Whom it may concern,


Hi and how are you? Glad to know you are fine and all that. No, I’m not very fine, thank you. I am writing in aggravation over a particular matter.

It pertains to my handphone, which is a Motorola L6. As a company who is drawing immense profits above margin, I’m sure you’d like to know how one of your many many lucrative products have been faring in the possession of discerning customers like me, who put their connections to the World ‘in the line’, so to speak, on the Monkey-King-try-to-fly-over-Buddha’s-Middle-Finger-in-Her-Palm-But-Failed-miserably-Kinda-Hands for your safe-keeping.

My complaint is this: Why the smelly-egg hell did you make your handphones so skinny? I’d spent a full 60 seconds searching desperately through my 50-liter rucksack in order to stop that incessant ringing (yes, why your phone so loud also?). It was that or face the wrath of all the MRT morning crowds trying to catching their additional winks sitting and standing.


Yes, the embarrassment I had to go through under their hot bloodshot stares when this hum-sap lao han actually poked me, POKED me on my shoulder, just as I was stamping down raising panic, just as my pencil box bursts its seams and all its innards as I whipped it out to dig around for the phantom ringing phone in said bag, just as it rained pencils, erasers and staplers onto a small growing island of restaurant napkins, umbrellas, my windbreaker, used tissue balls and loose paper around myself.

When I faced him, hair all ragged holding onto a torn pencil bag, he dared to reach around and poke me again, POKED me! On my BUTT! The audacity! The fact that he was pointing out the L6 has been nestling in my back pocket all along did not change the fact that I had been publicly harassed, and had not the L6 been layered between my luscious butt and his pudgy fingers, my skin would have been dented. DENTED and MOLESTED by his hairy paws.




…..wait a minute….. *pause*


OK, you win. So the L6 stopped that hum-sap lao han, So? I’m sure if L6 had been as thick as Nokia, I’d be SAFER from his evil pointer. For one thing, it would have been further.


Yes, by twice the distance.



So the original argument still stands that your phone is too fricking thin. I should know because before that MRT fiasco, I’d been smoozing in front of the mirror pretending to be Liz Tyler with all her gold parts, I mean, Cards. I’d popped L6 into my back pocket (and sexily drew it back out and slowly pushed it in again and…..) and promptly forgotten about it.


It was so skinny, I didn’t feel the stretch of my too-tight jeans.


If it was thicker, that growing island of my belongings on the MRT floor will have served a genuine purpose.


Another Thing! And this should wake up your idea even more! Your emaciated design of L6 made me drop it from 6 storeys high! SIX!


The fricking (ran out of eggs) garden was so fricking BIG downstairs but the phone crashed onto the tinny concrete gutter running along one side anyways. I am fairly sure it was because my L6 ‘fluttered’ on the way down. I blame it entirely on its aerodynamic design and light weight. Surely the wind caught it and whisked it right over the dirty drain. Your fault!



It split into THREE, man! Split into THREE!!! It bounced three times, THREE! First bounce and I saw, from way up, the back cover fell from the main body, 2nd bounce and the battery fell off, 3rd bounce and my swaroski phone accessory smashed. Smashed to BITS!


My heart still bleeds at the sodding memory...



I tell you, I’ve never ran down 6 storeys so sodding fast before. Never have I suffered a near-cardiac experience in the same series of leaps as each bounce my phone made before. In fact, never have I waded through a gutter trying to fish out phone pieces before.


And Why, oh WHY did the phone have to suffer that kamikaze drop in the first place? Eh? Eh?


Because! Of! YOU!


Yes, you.



I’ll tell you why.



I walked through a rail-less parapet with my magazine held on its spine.

You made it (L6 lah!) so skinny, I used it as a bookmark.

It was so skinny, it didn’t even dent my CLEO magazine.

So I thought it was in my back pocket this time.

Hence I swung my mag without a care.


There.





The fact that I was able to revive my phone is not a consolation. That its metal-enforced casing hardly got scratched was not the issue, it could be titanium-enforced for all I care. That the scratchproof big screen remained flawlessly smooth was not the point.




The point is:


If it was thicker and uglier, I’ll not have been so affected as to write this complaint letter.


But since it was frankly the most Chio-est piece of metal-talking-implement I've ever own for a miserly $8 and a 2 year bondage, if not in my entire Life, I almost required an MC just to recover from shock.


Incidentally, if you want my slightly-ruched-but-still-mint-conditoned phone as a genuine crash-test-dummy proof of durability and moi as spokeswoman for any advertising purpose, I shall have to warn you I don’t come cheap.


Oh yes, my warranty is 20 days late, you’d better approve it.


Yours in aggravation,
Ang KuKueh

Shuffle shuffle Meme :)

Hi all!!

Muahahahha….so apt till it’s a bit scary. Here’s my meme from jaywalk. Because you asked, I shall do it!!!

And yah, I did not cheat hor, so hor, kena shock when I saw the answers. Come on lah, I got 150+ songs ranging from instrumental to punk rock, Gypsy Kings to Linkin Park inside the player and still the answers came out like everything predestined like that.… hmmmm……….

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.


How does the world see me?

Put your head on my shoulder-dunno.

Wahlau, first song and its one I’ve never heard for years since I always chose the other folders to play. I guess this means I’m pretty much a rock that everyone can depend on, solid solid like the deposits of fats I have around me thunder thighs……..



Will I have a happy life?

Xiang xin wu xian!!! -JJ Lin

Muhahahaha….fantastic answer! In case you don’t know, it means ‘Believe no end’ in direct translation. Song by JJ Lin about have boundless hope for Life and the future. Cool!


What do my friends really think of me?

Left my heart in San Francisco-WestLife.

Hmmmm…..I dunno, I never really like the US nor have thoughts of visiting it. Perhaps my friends think I super-blur, like xin bu zhai yen like that, talk to me I never hear one. So heart not here but somwhere else....



Do people secretly lust after me?

Burn-forgot who sang it.

Fwah! This song is one of my favourite, about this guy who cannot keep this girl out of his mind, whenever he sings the word 'burn', he turns on his falsetto voice, machiam like he suddenly got kicked in the balls and become eunuch, or he is having a very huge hard reaction to the thought…ahem.....

Hur hur….u all lust after me ah? Kam siah kam siah! I know u denying lah, no worries, I understand….secret mah secret…..



How can I make myself happy?

For once in my life-Frank Sinatra.

I think this song deserves some history. It’s the song I reserve for my hubs, I gave him this song burnt in CD during the ROM (yes yes, in exchange for the diamond ring, hurhurhur…). So I guess this song just says that I am happy because 'for once in my life, I've got someone who needs me, someone I needed so long. For once, unafraid, i can go where Life leads and somehow i know I'll be strong.'


What should I do with my life?

Walk on the wild side-Dave’s True Story.

Well, what do you know?! Goodness, has my life been previously so staid and boring? Hmmm…ok, I just answered my own question…



Will I ever have children?

poison-madison garden.

Wahlau……I poison or they poison?


What is some good advice for me?

Kiss from a fool-george Michael.

Eh? Maybe I shall sneak into a 6-yr old's Ronald McDonald party and force RM to peck me on the cheek to ling wu some sort of Cosmic Truth on the Meaning of Life....


How will I be remembered?
I’m so repentant-Dave’s true Story.

Choujidan, machiam like cursing me like that. Must be in the future I’ll commit some super big crime and end up having to suffer guilt the rest of my life…

Oh wait, it could be just about that chocolate muffin I scoffed just now.



What is my signature dancing song?

Let there be love-Nat king Cole.


Weeee!!! I’d gladly dance to this song. In case you don’t know, Nat is singing ‘let there be birds singing in the trees, someone to bless me whenever I sneeze, let there be Coo-Coos, a lark and a dove, but first of all, pls, let there be love.’ Essentially the take that Love makes you see the things you often miss! ya ya, another one of those boundless heaps of hope for Love and happiness songs....yea...*sniff*




What do I think my current theme song is?

love in the first degree-bananaramamama

(ya ya, I know how to spell. I just dunno when to stop.).

Goodness, the whole entry is starting to turn mushy.


What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
shake it off-Mariah carey.

Confirm talking about those fat deposits....and the muffins.....


What song will play at my funeral?

if you ever fall in love again- dunno.

Good choice. If I ever left this big beautiful earth, pls let those who love me not grieve. Find someone else and make sure he/she loves you as much as I did.


What type of men/women do I like?

Real Thing-Lisa stansfield.

Because I am also Real.


What is my day going to be like?

All Woman-lisa stansfield.


Wah lau! Speechless! I’m meeting my close-knit clique of gal friends tonite!


hahaha...it's been fun while it lasts!

here's the meme to:

zhebin
nadnut (cos i know u have lotsa songs)
Tempest
Barney
li-er
jellygirl
and Wally.

And to all who want to do it also. It can be quite eye-opening!!!

Out!

In the midst of writing Story of D, which is turning out harder than I ever thought it could be,

AKK

Buzzing like a Bee!!!!

Hi all!



Wah lau! Kachuaz comments really killed me siah, sorry sorry, I have been MIA for so fricking long that Ollie has had a dream about me blogging an entry, sheesh. Just to say that I’m in the midst of a transition, hence there are a million and one things I had to do and by the time I manage to hit Sunday in 1 piece, I’m too tired to on the fricking lappy (oh no! I wasn’t scolding you, Lappy, although you’ve been giving me a bit of a trouble as well…ahem..) and type as much as I’ve typed all those fricking days in the office.




Just a very short note to tell you all that


1) I am not involved in the 4 car pile-up along the CTE,


2) neither was I part of the 10-strong so-called ‘cynical’ youth generation sent to interrogate our darling MM LKY (who pretty much grilled them on the barbie in his fuss-free and chockfull-of-needles fashion that I love so much). Sorry, ppl, I’m pretty much a PAP supporter and I like LKY, I cannot see why there should be cynism among the young. Pls go look at our ne1hgbours and their corrupted gov’t, then come back and tell me my PAP hasn’t done a fricking good job putting us on the world map, ok?



3)I was also not involved with the collapse of the KL-causeway plans and



4) although I watched Miss Singapore Universe, managed to survive it, albeit with a heaving and cramped up tummy. (Da nai ma!!! Da Nai Ma!!!! Wahahhaha...!!!) If I may quote one of the contestants on whether local men or foreign men are more attractive----- 'I prefer local men. I've had many ex-boyfriends and they were all local. Some are plump and some didn't have the height and some didn't have very well-defined bodies.....but I LOVE THEM ALLL!!!'





In short, I am fine and healthy and kicking. I have not been utterly idle though (like chwee kueh), because as of now, Story of D, vol 2 is in the making.


JayWalk can vouch big time that I am so busy, I can’t even be found on MSN, geez!!!! I’m not idling and I’m not dead!

I also have not visited my very own blog until today, haiz, almost got heart attack when the page refuses to load…..Lappy, you’ve GOT to buck up!!!

Sorry to all whom I’ve not been catching up, haiz….


All for now.

Out,
AKK

-----buzz-----buzz----buzz--------

It can only happen to me...

Hi all!!!

as you can tell from my previous entry, I have been absolutely happy about getting myself the slim-trim motoL6. I have been doing lots of nonsense with it involving lotsa finger movements (I think alot of you aren't thinking straight already....me neither...ahem)

in any case, i was very fricking happy, kept thinking 'great deal! wow! $8 only!!!'.

Fantastic hor?! HOR?!

Yah, I thought so also!

Untill I went to my office.....

the moment I step in, a beep sounde on my phone....and I thought, 'yea! someone misses me!'

And looked at my phone.

It Flashed.....'EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY'....

Freaked out, I started running around the whole room, pointing my HP all over at walls and at astonished colleagues....

My Greatest Fear is realised........

my hp kena zero reception in the office....

KNNBCCB......

Beyond CJD already,

AKK

Updated!!!: Moto or Nokia? Chio or Cheap?

UPDATE!!!
Guess what??! i decided to go cheap and get hellomoto! My miserly self cant bear to part with the extra $160 I'll have to fork out. But when I see the Moto in its true form (they din display the dummy phone for L6), I collaspe at the sheer beauty and sleekness of it. Now, I actually believe it's prettier than the Nokia!!! woohoo!

very sat sat!!! I have been sending MMSes to and fro with my hubby, muahahaha...fun fun!!! And to all Nokia users, I KNOW Nokia IS better and eventually, I'll have to settle back on the Nokia like a long-lost love.

Look at it this way, I'm now sowing my wild oats all over the place by experiencing as many lovers as possible, knowing that their personalities and their good/bad/bitchy natures will leave an indelible mark on me. But my very first handheld Loving, my first and last, will and forever be, the original Nokia 6510... (I think...memory a bit hazy now)....

One day, after I've sampled all that I could until my bad temper prevails, or my eyes burn out from unsensitive buttons, or i explode from wonky short-life batteries, I'll come back to you....

My one and only.....


Sorry that I'm distracted right now...


Wait for me. With open arms. And a marathon battery.


Love,
AKK.

Hi all!

I need help!


Argh!!! Something has happened and I’m all confused! I need guidance, I need advice! I need to see my light at the end of my tunnel!!!

What am I going to do? I don't know what to think! I am bewildered!!!!



Help me!






It’s either the Nokia 7360 at $168 for 2 yr plan or a Motorola L6 for only $8! *gasp!*




Look at this!!!!




Motorola L6, 10Mb memory, 4x zoom VGA camera and a cool fricking $8......anyone??




I love Nokia!!!! But but but…..$8 and a fricking 10Mb memory and 4x VGA camera!!!





Nokia 7360 for $168....comes with chio bag and chio strap and Human technology...




$8 for a higher-end Moto!!! But but but ……no free case, no free strap and no radio!!! And no Nokia technology!!!




Arghhhh!!!! It’s a replay of Jay’s nightmare (stay tune to his blog on Wed)!!! And I told him not to spent on the premium ones….gosh…this is karma!!!


What to do what to do what to do??!!! I now wrecked with indecision and I only got 1 day to decide before the offers up!


I went to the Booth and I left empty-handed. i went to the booth again and I left empty-handed again! THRICE!!!! in ONE FRICKING day! I swear the vendors are fed-up with my rude squint (for when I'm thinking).....argh! anymore now and they're gonna bar me just for blocking their display!

Help fellow friend and blogger stop her migraines....Poll!








Out!! And advanced Thanks!!!

AKK:)

The Story of D, Vol 1....Once upon a time

Hi all!

Let’s take a break from the harsh reality of Life by expressly veering away from the previous topic. C has been reading up on everyone’s comments and I thank all for their contributions. She said she’d keep me updated, but sadly hor, I’m recently too busy for her and vice versa. I’d like to keep you guys updated on this issue too. It’d be nice to know the outcome of it all, no? Whether for good or worse, I can have closure on this issue.

So today! Today, I shall be slightly whimsical and sprout a tale. Have you ever had an idea in your head but you just couldn’t explain it out or say it out? That the very idea occurs as a set of pictures that can only be passed on as a story? Here’s one of these moments.



Once upon a time, there lived a dormouse on a little orchard farm. Everyday in the early dawn, he would creep out of his little burrow and pluck the wild wheat outside his home, and munched on these kernels, watching the lazy sun take a slow hike up the sky.

Come the spring, he’d climb up shrubs and eat the sweet flower petals before the bees drew the nectar away.

Come the summer, he’d climb up the berry bushes and harvest some berries before the robins pluck them from their stems.

Come the autumn, he’d wait for the acorns to fall heavily from the old acorn tree before he’d pick them for storage.

Come the winter, he’d make himself plump and full from the wheat, the flowers, berries and acorns. He would make soft beds of crinkly leaves and bird fluff that fell from the sky, then snuggled up and sleep through the cold heavy snow.



This is our dormouse’s life. In this life, before it changed, he had 2 emotions.



First was happiness, this happens when he spots the wheat, the flowers, the berries and the acorns for his daily meals. Second was fear, this happens when he spots the eagles twirling circles every morning when the lazy sun took a slow hike up the sky.



That was all. He may have felt happiness when the eagles fail to spot him or he may have felt fear when the acorns took longer than usual to fall from the old acorn tree, but he's never said.



The little dormouse only knew where to find food and how to build shelter from the cold and the eagles. That was all too. As long as there are wild wheat outside his burrow, flowers in spring, berries in summer and acorn in the autumn and a long cozy sleep through winter, he know not what or who he is. He didn't have to.



Then one morning, while he was watching the sun hiking, he noticed there were no eagles twirling. Just as he might have felt happiness over it, a net swooped onto him and scooped him up. Quick as a wink, he was bundled into a tinny cage that felt cold as ice against his fur. In that moment, he knew terror. It was white-hot and seared through his trembling body.


In the next few hours, many millions of things happened that had never happened to our dormouse before. He was banged this way and that, then bruised up and down in the swinging cage. He heard the revving of an engine, the clanging of van doors slammed shut, he felt speed although he was standing still and it continued for a while, bumping him along. He saw his first human, then a couple more, all dressed in white as the van stopped and the van door crashed open. He saw a building, all glass and concrete and angles. He saw white rooms in white rooms in white rooms as he was taken deep into the building. And most astonishing of all, when the cage stopped wobbling and the door slid open, he tumbled into a bigger cage filled with ……



Dormice!


Wow! He exclaimed, shocked beyond measure. The journey had been harrowing, and to take in the images of 50 other dormice was something our dormouse would never forget.


Not that our dormouse knew what he looked like. But he just saw many animals with no difference among themselves! For one, they were all white. For two, they all had pink eyes and pink snout and pink whiskers. For three, they all acted the same way! They crowded him out and started sniffing him all over.


The dormouse touched himself and looked himself all over too. For the first time, he saw that his fur was a nice cinnamon brown. For the first time, he found that he also had pink paws. He leaned forward and sniffed the nearest white dormouse and found for the first time, he smelt different! While the white ones smell no different from the white room, which smells like this river near his burrow that floated full of dead fish, he smelt of home.


He smelt of sunshine that chased the dark and hiked the sky. He smelt of the wild wheat outside his home, the flowers in spring, the berries in summer and the acorns that fell in autumn. He smelt of the bed of crinkly leaves and the fluff that he snuggled under every night.


I’m Me! He squeaked.


Our dormouse has found Self.



to be continued......

Chronicles of C Vol 1--Mature Men...

Update: I'm not dispensing advice lah! Just telling her the various actions I would execute if it was ME in HER shoes and the reasons WHY. 'me in her shoes' words are highlighted in yellow.....:)

A very unconventional post today. Leave your opinions on this, if you like but no rude stuff. :)


Hi all!


I went out with C on friday for a drinking session. It’s true that I don’t drink much, because it wipes out the pocket faster than you can say, ‘Gan-bai!!!’ Also, I usually don’t have a proper transport home and I don’t trust the cab driver to understand my slurs and deposit me safely to my parents’ arm in the dead of the night without whipping up my skirts and humping my prostrate body. Yes yes, blame it on my creative juices, if not my hope that men shall find me irresistible, lying there snoring their ears off.


So we 2 gals were in this pretty dead bar. In the shrouded dark corner, there are only us, a bunch of NSmen and 2 uncles. No lah, we weren’t there drinking with them lah, the dark corner is quite big, the NS guys and the uncles were watching a soccer match on the big screen plasma instead.


On the other hand, I was trying to down vodka to get drunk. C just let me in a big horrendous secret which made my eyes go the size of ham-chee-pengs and throat suddenly thirsty for another vodka-lime.


A few things about C….

1. she’s chio (C for chio)
2. she’s tall
3. she’s got a model’s bod (ie towards the skinny side, but men loved it….haiz…eat more can? Just to make ME feel better?)
4. she’s single
5. she even has a heart of gold


And the whole litany would start:
She looks so gorgeous! Why’s she still single?
She’s single? No fricking WAY!
How can such a nice gal be available?
She too picky issit?
She must have had a history.
Can I get her number?
What kind of men she looking for?


And finally,
Wah...how you get a fren like that?!


Choujidan….these would be the ppl who eventually get kicked from my list of ‘potential friends’. But the truth hurts, C is indeed and forever shall be an enigma to those who knows me and wonders about our frenship.


In a paradigm shift, the truth is now hurting my fren. C bemoans if there will be anyone for her. Her job is set in this company that doesn’t have a turnover rate, so the men are mostly old and married. She is so busy she doesn’t actively seek out a social life. The ppl whom she does meet are clients, another no-no, apart from them being also again old and married. The guys who do dig her are often too short, doesn’t share her interests, look at her with sex in their eyes or are simply too flabbergasted in her presence to remember their names.


Have I told you guys I ROMed already? I tot I would like to talk about it, but Jay beat me to the altar with a voice blog that was funnier than whatever I could have written, so thanks ah!


So now C is morosely counting the days she’ll be considered a spinster. Here her fren (me) is sitting beside her, almost miraculously attached and married in seemingly whirlwind amount of time, and she is, well…..


‘you’ll going to scold me if you knew.’


‘no no, don’t tell me! You are seeing a guy’


‘ya.’


‘and he’s Married.’


Silence then… ‘yes.’


‘And you guys had a date.’


‘ya…a few.’


‘did anything happen?’


‘er….define ‘anything’?’


‘good grief, you guys ‘romped’, didn’t you?’


‘er…..’


‘nevermind, nevermind…..we’ll get to that later. Here’s the big question: did u KNOW he was married beforehand?’


‘erm…..no…’


‘Bastard.’


Which, I feel, sums up her current squeeze pretty eloquently, I might say.


‘Did you two discuss about it?’


‘He doesn’t want to talk about it.’


With this answer, I signaled the waiter to get me another vodka lime…..I needed another drink badly.


At the expense of roping all men into a category and yet plonking every bit of penny I own, I’d say this man probably has a good wife. A good wife to keep the family afloat, leaves him free to do his work and possibly independent in caring for the kids, meaning there isn’t any big huge fault with her to warrant aggravation and a divorce. Why I say that? Because if there’s anything wrong in the marriage, he would have said something, if only to make C more willing to continue this relationship. Why not?


The thing is this: It’s easier to sian zabors this way. Tear down her defenses and puff smoke across her eyes, get her to like you for your easy charm and confidence and maturity, make her get attracted to your passionate, sexy eyes. Wait till she’s settled blissfully in the palm of your hands.


Then spring the surprise.


Well, actually he didn’t say it outright himself. A sense of self-preservation made C casually question him, and ding –dong!! Surprise! He’s confirmed her worst fears.


Is it any fault on the girl to then want to continue this relationship? Is it any fault of the lady to go between you and your family? You, who had engineered the whole set-up and anticipated that her response would be to continue because it’s too late to defend herself from an attractive, eloquent, confident man like you?


If she had known you are married first time you meet, did you think it’d be that easy? She wouldn't have touched you with a bargepole.


But I don’t censure her. Let’s face it lah, if I get angry, it’s against the guy for shutting up his mouth till it’s too late. She is my friend and I'm not her goaler.


It’s not as if she brainless and doesn’t know what she going into, rite?


And who should be the dispenser of morals anyway? Not me! I’m not particularly moral. I’m just a conformist to this gracious society called Humanity becos I’m too fricking scared to get my ass whipped in public should my dirty laundry be made to hang swinging in the breeze.


Into my 3rd vodka, I was contemplating my fren’s understandable confusion. Here comes a guy whose really great, carries himself effortlessly, is mature and liberal and makes her feel comfortable, but he’s married. It’s a low blow to keep it from her (the fucker!) but essentially it’s too darn late.


What to do?


'well, what would U do? If you were in my shoes?’


And I was stumped. I went to the restroom and walked by the bar to get another vodka. It didn’t work and I was stone-cold sober. It also meant I’m responsible for whatever’s coming out of my mouth at that point. It’s me, not the alcohol, that’s doing the talking.


And I say, ‘if he's really oh-so-attractive and pumps me full of lustful hormones, I think I would. That said, it has to be Pure unbrideled lust hor. And nothing else. Becos he isn’t gonna leave his family for anyone, never. No woman is worth an exchange of kids and an OK wife, or even an OK wife with no kids but with a joint ownership of a house. ‘Own free will’ hor, no guy would do it. No cheating woman would, for that matter either.’


‘God, woman, you’re so pragmatic.’


‘Oy, you’ll have to be, if u still want this. If you think you like him, really really like him, then don’t hor. Will get jealous every time he spends his hours away from you, you’ll get depressed and have shouting or cold shoulder matches and after all that unleased pent-up energy, he’ll not leave his wife, he’ll probably leave you, becos u are an emotional baggage he cannot afford to bear.


‘hmm…’


‘If you are sex-starved like me and if you think you like him just cos he’s a sex apparatus, then go ahead if you can take the step lah. Although he bears a bigger responsibility for his family’s own demise more than you do, becos he had the intention of going astray, U’ll have to understand that you are helping him perpetuate his infidelity. In the course of it, don’t care for him, don’t listen to his grouses with the wife and kids, don’t try to know or find out anything that can make you care to make his life better. Ignorance is Bliss. At the first sign of danger, run! Oh yah, and I'd go test for STD if I was you.’


‘What?!’


‘Wah lau! Biology lah! Check for STD. You might not be his first and you won’t be his last. If he can get away with this, you might not even be the only one during this period. You’ll have really start checking your health and hope to God he doesn’t pass anything to you. Once it does, you’re gone.’


‘Oh wow…thanks ah….’


‘You’re welcome.’


It is a wonder that C still drove me home that night. She really could have left me in the bar in a huff, but she doesn’t.


A true testament to her love for me, to paint her such a crass picture of the whole thing and still let me get away with it.


But, I mean every word I say.


I started out wanting to discuss why women like older men when they are younger, and younger men when they are older….guess I digress.


Hey, fren, u take care and I support you in whatever decision you make and if u wan me to take this post down, just give me a call. This post is dedicated to you. Think carefully siah, you're on your own on this one.



Out!

AKK

V-day Surprise!!!

hi all!

Excruciatingly busy, hahaha, i cannot even begin to describe. Mostly when i finally end the work day, I just wanna go home and crash on the bed.

So here's an excerpt of a MSN chat with Fren Z on this happy Valentine's Day. While I'll be too fricking busy to allow this commercialisation to eke out my hard-earned money, I'm not adversed to the rest of the world hugging and kissing, hehehe...

**********************

msn virgin (not really liao) says:
guess wat



Z says:
?



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
this delivery man came to me with a big bouquet of flowers



Z says:
awwwwwww.....



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
then ask me, 'are u xxx xxx xxx?'



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
i say, 'who?'

he say 'xxx xxx xxx'



Z says:
Ooops...



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
then I say 'Sorli, wrong person'



Z says:
aiyah... wasted.

wrong lumber



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
yah lor, deliveryman got lost, poor thing



Z says:
sigh....



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
So I found out the addresses for him



Z says:
hahaha...

******************************



Muahahha....story of my life....excruciatingly short post also! that's it! Love ya all, my fellow valentines!!

Out,
AKK :)

Tagged and tardy...:)

AAAHHH!!! Super Busy!!!! Tagged by Zhebin, thank you for your faith in me that I’ll come round to doing it. I guess it’s also a wake-up call to do something about the blog. Very sorry, what with all the work and the festivities!!! Afterall, now got a new family to visit liao….

In any case, here’s the stuuff!!!


4 jobs you've had in your life

- Art/Craft salesperson
- Art/Craft cashier
- Tutor
- Research Engineer….sounds so gung-ho hor, but I swear hor, it’s just mass downloading and reading fricking boring can-die journals on biocomputing…pui pui pui!!!


4 movies you could watch over and over

- First Wives Club
- Spirited Away



- The Incredibles
- Spongebob Squarepants-The Movie


4 TV shows you love(d) to watch

- CSI Miami
- CSI
- House

- Numbers
Ahem…the sign of good life and SCV!!!


4 places you've lived in

- Clementi
- Boon Lay
- Jalan Boon Lay
- PGP Hostel…yea…I had a wild life…yea…Vodka sleepovers…yea….bunch of females in pyjamas…yea…and not a single MAN in sight!!! Arrgghh!!!


4 places you've been on vacation to

- KL
- Beijing to see the Forbidden City…one word…..WAAAHHHH….

Waaaahhhhhhh!!!


- Gold Coast, Australia
- Honk Kong to stock up on manga


4 places you would rather be

- visiting museuems in different countries and buying antiques…haiz…
- visit any Biosphere as a guest or student, not tourist.

One day! I shall get there!!!

- Turkey before it gets much more dangerous
- Egypt for the pyramids….and not as a tourist, but invited to join an excavation…woohoo!!!



4 of your favourite foods

- Laksa, I drink the gravy, it’s the best part.


MMMMMmmmm........

- Crabs, lobsters, but I too poor to have them….
- Chocolate cake with any type of liquor in it….lots of liquor.
- Dim sum, again too poor to have it often.



4 websites you visit daily

- voxeros.blog-city.com
- google.com.sg
- My university homepage
- zhebineverything.blogspot.com (ya! Surprise! Me too! I don’t even visit my own site daily….)



4 tagged

- Li-er
- Nadnut
- Jaschocolate
- Wally


That's it, guys! Thanks for the tag, Zhebin, and sorry all for the lack of updates...so busy my legs are quite neng from walking and standing whole day...*groan*

Out!
AKK

HAPPY CNY!!!!

5th audio blog.....

Hi all!


Been much too busy to write blogs recently, so here's another audio blog. It's about jogging...hheeh...ya, fairly...as usual, things are never this simple.

Tragedy in the making, so pls heed the Moral of the Story in this one. It's no Joke hor, this really hurts.:)


Hope you guys have a great time with this and I'll update on you guys soon!

Gotta work!

Out!
AKK

4th audio blog...quest for C*****s with guest star N...vol 1.

Hi all!

Today is a special day for me, so I very busy, but hey! I've got a surprise for you guys. This 4th audio is talking about 2 supremely clueless gals on the quest to buy something.

My best female fren, Miss N, is the special guest star. Hey Miss N, I absolutely think you are, like, the bravest person I've met. So mext time, we do something like that, perhaps you won't need me to be present at all? I shall utterly disappear from the whole episode, muahaha...

The blog is a bit long because it's a conversation. But still, I'd like to remember it this way. it'll go down in history. Hope you all enjoy this!

To jay, thanks for the wishes and sorry to keep you waiting, but the entry had to be edited...wah lau....fricking took a long time to edit this and yet still so long....haiz...that's what happens when frens get together.

For the rest of you guys, take care and have fun! :) yippee! :)

OUT!

Akk and Miss N!!!!

Thoughts of 2005

Hiya! I just thought that being the procrastinator that I am, I’m probably a bit late in typing this entry out now, since it is about the thoughts I have for 2005. But then, the best time to write these thoughts should be in the year 2006.



1. I have finally stopped studying. I still cannot begin to describe the immense joy I derived from the simplest things like a) being able to have a holiday like CNY, X’mas with everyone else instead of spending it all alone in the culture lab staring at cells and washing test-tubes. b) having money to have nice food every once in a while and not worry. C) the joy of sleeping in on a Sunday without having a nightmare over my experiments.


2. I finally started a blog in feb?? Oh yah, it’s about the most exciting thing in my life, apart from another more exciting thingy. It started out because of the now-defunct Bubblemuche.blogspot.com, who is my eternal idol. Eternal Idol, that is, until the day I saw a pic of this hansem young man in Pilot Uniform. My whole image of the slipper-toting, singlet-wearing, skinny, bespectacled loser was thrown out of perspective. Of cos after you see something like that, it’s no longer possible to treated Neo Chee Beng as a Loser anymore, but like someone who writes loserishly….ahem…which really means he has nothing much to lose.



3. I sang this hokkien song that made it to Straits Times. I got a call from a fren in China who fairly shouted into my ears at 9am in the morn that I am Famoose! Nonsense, I say, I just sang a song. But the hoo-haa continued until I felt more comfortable removing the link. I don’t really want to do a Bubblemunche. I also partially destroyed Chuikueh’s ear-drums, and some funnyman made something out of the JPB as to truly truly embarrass the heck out of me. Muahaha…wouldn’t you like to know….



4. I got together with my best friend in the biggest sense of the word and soon to be in Holy Matrimony. ‘Nuff said or I shall start bawling again.



5. My nephew was born and I held him in my arms when he’s a month old on New Year’s Day. The feeling is indescribable. He was soft, smells real nice and was so jelly-like that his head kept flopping about. Although his vision is blur and he can’t see me, I still think he’s smiling at me. And when he cries, my heart thumps in fear that I could have hurt him in any way. Oh man, I shall have to think carefully about Motherhood….but a Mother I’ll be, by hook or by crook.



6. Someone says I’m mature……*crack* muahahahhahaha…….*wipes tears*



7. I met some friends that I’m super-duper happy to keep. U know who you are! Swee!



8. I found out about the light on the other side via the colonoscopy experience. Truly horrendous but wow, did it make a great entry!



9. My very favourite entry was one of the less popular ones. Yah, it’s the TS theory.



10. My mum had Dengue fever and I almost lost her. 2 weeks in the ICU and 1 foot thru Death’s door. Sometimes ppl need trauma like this to slap-bang their heads to accept the revelation that it is NOT embarrassing to tell your parents you love them. Fast along the heels of this knowledge is that there is indeed, a higher being and entity, that really exists. There is no need to prove such a thing, it is something that you know and realise.



11. Love is still overrated. Having great companionship, like your favorite pillow, and your most comfortable shoes, shall emerge king after the heart-thumping and roller-coaster mood swings have died down. On the other hand, familiarity often breeds contempt, which is why when I’m in the same roof with my parents, we can get shouting matches, but when I stayed in the hostel, I missed them to bits and went home as much as possible to enjoy their company. When I stay with them, I shut myself in my room. When I’m not, I take long strolls with them in the neighbourhood garden. But of cos, knowing this fact is not an excuse, it should a step towards improvement. It’s working, I think, but I need to try harder.



12. I’ve got my first Hate comment….but I deleted it becos as somebody told me, it’s easier to click ‘delete comment’ than it is to crank your brain to try and reason back. Yupz, what a genius, Z! *kowtow*.



13. I’m never going to finish my senses meme, mostly becos er….I ran out of topics for hear and smell. I have ear-wax buildup and I’m now harbouring a cold. I don’t really think anyone wants to read how well my ear-wax has been doing or how much my nose welcomes the tissue.



14. And it's never easy to say it, but I realised I was a funnier writer last time. I just read some of the older entries, esp Trim-My-Fat-Ass and I was hollering like nuts. OTOH, when I read the latest ones, I barely cracked my lips....hmmm...

15. And the biggest understatement of year 2006: Lots of things have happened in 2005.


Thanks for reading!

Out!
AKK

Chronicles of A....vol 3 : The day of tears……

Hi all!

I have been remiss in my duties. The barrage of festivities have made me extremely busy, but I ain’t complaining. For once in my life, I can honestly say that I’m actually playing more than I’m working/studying.


Now I’m writing this entry in the comforts of my own home, watching TV and enjoying a wireless connection. I’m so freaking lucky. The day is sunny, windy and I’m on leave! The day cannot go better.


But as usual, I digress. Much have happened and much as I would like to blog about them all, I couldn’t. I wanted to express my happiness and joy meeting the many friends during the last 2 weeks. Thanks goes out to J, Nad, Deek, Vanna, Jaschoc, Meepok, Hitomi, Kelawar. I also had the pleasure of my dear friends who came over to my place, our traditional X’mas celebrations have come a long way, guys! Over and over, I hope it never ends….


On the other hand, something did end. The topic of today’s blog involved somebody I loved, whom I didn’t know I loved till the last moment. Sure I knew I liked him, I’m sure I knew I would like to spend an inordinate amount of time by his side.


But dun tell me about Love. Love is overrated. Love doesn’t put food on the table, nor does it prevent 2 otherwise loving people from quarrelling and hurting each other. Love is infatuation, puppy love, a feeling that never comes when u wish for it and always refuses to go when you are dying from it.


Melodramatic ay? Yup, pls tell that to the Qiong-yao serial readers. The last time what I tot I felt was love was actually only a crush.




Now….



Oh well…..




In any case, I shall try to be as honest as I can be here under the circumstances.



Suffice to say: A and I had a disagreement, we had a quarrel. It was small enough to be trivial but big enough to be destructive.


Suffice to say: I cried. It’s not something I’m proud of. Other than reading lomance and watching lomantic movies, I hardly ever let tears fall, being usually too sensible to risk blinding my eyes with gallons of salt and having my nose stuck 10 miles long with wet tissues.


But when I cry, I bawl. Yeah, I can do the kung-fu equivalent of the Ru-Lai-Fuo-Zhang (Buddha's Palm). There is nothing delicate about me when I tear up. It’s all salt, water, mucus and a one-half box of Kleenex’s finest 3-ply.


Which was why A was so utterly bewildered and horrified. His little dirty-minded, nonya confectionery was turning extra gooey and runny, something he’d not witnessed before. His past gfs were the softly-tearing shu-nu sort. I should know, I knew them personally and have actually been witness to their delicately wet eyelashes. They cry like pageant queens and lousy beautiful actresses. They always end up looking more ethereal in the aftermath, proving once again that I shall never find out why in hell A sees in me, other than the fact that I’m not suicidal and light doesn’t project out the left side when u shine a torch into my right ear.


I swear he must have trying to find out the same thing that day too.


In any case, the quarrel ended with sorrys exchanged but needless to say, it was unresolved. I went to work with swollen eyes and feeling all out of sorts. Getting distracted at work only made me more cranky and unhappy….I even teared up again in my dad’s car and made him extra nervous with the taxis.


It was a thoroughly bad day for me, is the 21st of December.


So when the gauntlet came, it was totally unexpected. I was home alone and watching TV when A came over in the evening.




‘We need to talk.’ He said.



Oh no. My heart shrunk a bit, I think, judging by that squeezing tightness of my chest.


‘Dear’ He sighed. ‘I really do appreciate the time we have together, our friendship. Everything about us, it was wonderful. I never felt so comfortable with anyone before.'


I stared at him blankly through my panda eyes. He thinks I’m stupid. I used these same words on my ex-BF when I dumped him too. Almost word for word.


But, I thought, you'd say 'but'. There’s always a ‘but’.


‘But.’ There it is. Ha. Now, he thinks I’m an idiot. Oldest trick in the book, boy, to spring your surprise after worthless statements of hope. My eyes narrowed.



‘But,’ he continued gravely. ‘It’s not enough for me.’


This is Karma, surely! Kuan Yin is punishing me by using cruel irony. The speech might have been scripted by me 5 years ago….Salvage it, you fool! Take control of the conversation. I force open my pinched mouth, all contrite and afraid.



‘Look. If this is about yesterday, I said I was sorry. It’s not a big deal. Couples quarrel, that always happens. You can’t expect everything to always turn out sparkly and spanking clean.’


His eyes glazed. But I put my palms on the side of his face for emphasis and forced him to stare at me.


‘Nothing’s perfect. We aren’t perfect for each other. Nobody is. We have to work at it. Together. Isn’t that what we wanted? Isn’t that why we are together? What else do you need?’


A shifted uncomfortably and my heart, just now shrunken like a cherry pit, now dropped like a thousand pound dumbbell. He’s not listening nor responding.


I dropped my hands. I mused that I can hear the security locks tightening around my heart for an eventual rejection. It’s another re-run 5 years hence. Like a connoisseur, I recognized the signs and appreciated the moment, the body’s self-defense kicks in, poised for bad news.


I shall not be made to feel unwanted again. I’m strong. Of cos I can take it, I’m not born a shrinking violet. So there.


But the tears. Like brats, they run away from the whip of my eyelids. I couldn’t stop them. Idiot, I scold myself, when I see him back up again at my reaction. Where’s the iron girl he's always admired?


He left the sofa and I watched him go to the side table where he always puts his valuables. He’s going to leave. He's going totake his things and walk out.


Then he turned back and he held in his hands, a box of tissue and a package. Slowly, reverently, he pulled out a piece and passed them over my brimming eyes.


‘Don’t cry. I hate to see you cry.’ Which only made me cry all the more. Pathethic, sniveling flop that I am. He cannot see, but I love him to Bits. I didn't know last time but I knew it that instant. I do. Love him. And he says it's not enough.


‘Then don’t watch lah. Go. Leave.’ What bravado. I am amazed at myself.


He looked back curiously.


‘Leave? Why should I leave? And for that matter, why are you crying?’


I flared up like a smashed Molotof Cocktail.


‘Because! You think it’s not enough, we’re not enough, it’s not good enough! You want more! Don’t have to say it! I know it! You want out. That’s why! So go!’


To my horror, I started hiccupping again. I put my burning wet face into my hands.



‘Just go lah. Leave me in peace.’


He sighed. And retaliated.



‘Sometimes you are just so drama. You think you’re sensible and practical, but you aren’t. You sing like Elmo, then sometimes you sing like a Pro. You even cry like a water-hose. Half the time, I don’t even understand what’s going on inside your little head.’


He took my hand and slowly force open my wet palm and placed a round velvet ball in my hand.


‘I don’t know what you are trying to achieve by coming all teary over me. If it was about yesterday, it’s already over. Didn’t we say sorry together?’


I fingered the red velvet unconsciously while he continued scolding. I realized what had started out as a sigh from him was actually an enormous temper threatening to erupt.


‘It wasn’t enough. Of cos it wasn’t enough. We are damn good friends for longer than 5 years, don’t you know me or who I am? Think, will you?! Think!’



There was more to the outburst but I wasn’t listening.


I was staring at the red hard ball in my hand.


It had hinges.


My eyes grew wide.


Then just as fast as he started the tirade, he stopped and plucked the ball from my fingers and with the other arm, he wound it around me to bring me right up against him on the sofa. Then as fast as his temper came, it went swiftly and was replaced with a slow smile. He gave a quick hug and said, ‘No matter. That is over and done with. In fact, I have a surprise for you.’


And he opened it.


‘Funny how you actually said ‘sparkly’ just now. I thought you already knew.’


Nestled in the white cushions was a ‘sparkly’ starburst. I was struck speechless.


‘Now, I know we just quarreled yesterday but it’s a trivial thing. We’re good friends, dear, we always find a way to work it out. As for this, I went and got it today for Christmas, but once I had it, I couldn’t wait...... Oy. Hello?....Oy!’


He headbutted me to get my attention.


Dumbly, I looked up from the ring. It was all too bewildering. One minute I thought it’s over, the next….




‘Will you marry me?’




'I....we.....' I was incoherent. My mind, being geared for a painful withdrawal, wasn't prepared for a sudden 180 turnabout.



Then what should happen but that the faucet started turning again…


A did another double-take when I grabbed his shirt to my face and wailed mercilessly into his polo-tee.



‘Wah lau! Don’t you ever stop crying? Damn, where’s the tissue?’



And amid his frantic rush for a 3-ply Kleenex, I gave the most fearsome bawl I’ve ever had onto his chest. Ring all but forgotten on the coffee table.


It was a weirdest feeling. The sensation of crying due to sheer joy.






Yes. I’ll marry you.

Yes. I love you.

Thank you. For loving me back.

Thank you. For everything.

Out!

AKK:) *no more tears*

Alcohol made me do it...

Hi all,

I just recovered from a party..... There was a game to change the lyrics of "let it snow" in 10min flat.... Towards the end, I discovered that everyone else's lyrics are of angels, well-wishes and lovely snow.

I almost managed to wrestle away my entry from the 'emcee', but he was brawny and has hams for fingers. Even then he had to physically pry my fingers away from that piece of paper while tickling me.

Since I have no face left, (never did have any), I've posted my entry here.

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!


The weather outside is frightful
But the heater is not that helpful
Since we’ve got no place to go
Off the tops, and the pants, give a show!

The alcohol’s running freely
And the guests are acting funny
The lights are turned way down low
Off with it and show me your pole!

We were a bit rough with the cuffs
So the policemen came that night
Some idiot has swallowed the key
So now I’m chained to the tree!

Oh! Photoshop can’t make me look like Shu-Qi
So send back the Paparazzi
What’s left now's the bloody tree
And millions of porn pics of me!



....The alcohol made me do it....


Merry X'mas!!!

Out!
AKK

The Dark Chocolate Rendezvous: Senses meme No. 3-Taste

Hi all!

Have I got fodder for the senses meme on ‘taste’! Actually I almost almost! did not remember this incident, since it has been buried in the deepest darkest recesses of the mind. It’s with regards to my first bf (ex), the lawyer (now), the child (then) and first Crush (been-there-done-that).

It’s not something that I like to recall, esp since I’m attached again, but hey, that’s Life lah. All sour and sweet, happy and sad.


It’s the chocolates that reminded me. I was doing some light grocery shopping. My basket was filled with useless carbo-laden, trans-fat-saturated, artificially seasoned nachos; pork-floss rolls and bak-kwa by the kg and the sinful ‘Nuts about NUTS!’ choco-peanut-butter ice-cream which I regard with utmost respect as ‘the hoarse-whisperer’ ….*salute*


Yup….very light shopping, only 3 items.



Then I came upon the chocolate aisle and saw this:

The heaven called Dove Dark Chocolate

Dove’s bitter chocolate.




And the memories came flooding back.



It was the time when my ex-bf has had a broken leg and was locked at home day and night. It was my 2nd yr in Uni and I was visiting him in the midst of my exams, being nanny to his needs, although he had a maid and a part-timer Mum that cooks his meals. Oh yes, the self-martyrdom was on at ‘high’ during that time.


It was one of those nights where we were both alone in the living room watching ‘Being John Malkovich’ on VCD, when he hobbled to the fridge and got out this pack of Dove chocolates.


He gave me a square and I took it. That square of heaven started warming up and slowly melted along the sides of my mouth and tongue.


While I know it’s a myth that chocolates can make girls happy, I was in utter agreement. Suddenly, my whole body relaxed after a hard day’s studying. My brain calmed down from watching the flashing TV.

My heartbeat slowed. My eyes closed. I swallowed the liquid chocolate, leaving a soft gooey sliver in my mouth.

And then….I opened my eyes to him bending over me.




There was another square of heaven between his lips.




We *CENSORED*CENSORED*. It was absolutely *CENSORED*CENSORED*, the feel of his *CENSORED*CENSORED* made my *CENSORED* tingle in extreme *CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*. The taste of his lips on my *CENSORED* as he *CENSORED*CENSORED* was so graftifyingly *CENSORED*CENSORED* that I immediately *CENSORED* in *CENSORED*. We took another chocolate square and *CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED!!!!*.

Sigh… I have never seen Dove chocolates the same way since…. it was, in fact, an absolute perfect moment in the sea of sad nostalgia.







Too bad about the PG rating though….


Muahahaha……..


Out!

AKK


An aside: Heaven does not come and stay, it just visits as a series of jolts between depression and/or mediocrity. May my Life always be as such, rather than an endless length of sterile peace and calm.

Oh yah...just to burst your bubble, we only kissed....heheheh...

The Dark Tai Yang Shen--- sense meme no. 2 -Sight

Long Blog Entry ALERT!!!

You have been sufficiently warned...proceed with caution. Author not responsible for boredom, dry eyes or dilated pupils....

Hi all!

Actually, I intended to split the story into 2 parts....but hell, i couldn't decided if splitting it up when i already wrote it was a good idea or not, so I just plunged the whole thingy down. When I say long hor...haiz....it took a week just to get all the memory down. Enjoy (or not). Ahem.:)

*********



I spent the better part of the morning one day reading the comments to 'Letter to My Tih-Kong' and ended up almost scolding everyone I know an egg becos they all pleaded guilty to asking for rain. Then I read jay’s comment....


Jay "Peek -a-Boo" Walk said...
I remembered last time you told me got this foreign worker climbed to your window grill and peeped into your room.

Maybe that was the Tai Yang Sen but you drove him away. Hence the gloomy mornings. :P



No prizes for guessing Jay is now top in my list for ‘Jidans- Re weather.’ Then Zhebin caught a whiff and wanted to know...

Zhe Bin said...
How come that foreign worker can 'climb' until your window grille one?!

Good question. Which is basically my whole train of thought that right now I should be writing another sense meme on ‘sight’.


This takes me back to my 3rd year of Uni. And of cos, a digression here on some things that you should know before I continue:


a. I was a nerd. Yup and still am. I’m proud to say that I can outread anyone, provided the prints are big enough and pictures are colourful. I am also one of the hateful KS students who always never ask questions during lesson, but will hang around and prevent the lecturer from having an early lunch. I’d go so far as to say I even sent emails full of questions to my professors to plague their weekend golf. Most of the time I wonder why they were so hard to find when I needed them and yet, they always seem to be surreptitiously standing behind pillars and potted plants wherever I go.


b. The length of my bed spanned my window. When I say I love the sun, I was worshipping its presence. I painted my room yellow because bright sunny colours inevitably makes me happy (scientifically, it also made pple eat more, which explains some things about me at least…). My bed was high enough to place me on the same level as my window. So when the morning sun rides in, my whole body is lighted ablaze in heat and I literally get baked awake. If you can’t imagine, then think about Snow White’s Glass Casket….That would be how I look like from the window…..


er….minus the 7 dwarves, minus the chio-ness and minus the Prince Charming…..although, even if Prince Charming had been there, he'd probably run away screaming. And the Dwarves welcome me as their brothers...


c. My bedroom is on the second floor. I live in a Goode Olde 5-rm Mansionette. I must reinforce this point so u guys can understand that I wasn’t intentionally trying to give anyone a show or grope by sleeping sooooo close to the window. Anyone just had to poke their fingers…poke only! And u would have touched me.

But you’ll either have to be 4m tall. Have 3m long arms. Or 2m long fingers. You choose.


d. I wasn’t anything to look at. Which made this peeping-Tom incident so utterly bewildering to me. Want to break the law? Should do it with more finesse, style and above all, good taste mah! Regardless the punishment shall be the same anyway, so just pick a good sultry, nubile target lah! Haiyah! Even I myself think it’s so wasted!


It all started close to the end of the semester. Not only am I a chao-kuan KS student, I’m also a 1st-class chao-mugger. 1st class not meaning that I score well. The essence of mugging, as this model chao mugger shall tell you now, is not reflected in the grades.


No, the essence of mugging is in spending the huge fricking amount of time to study one choujibloodydan module, night and day, no skiving, no resting and still end up with choujibloodydan results like the next guy who spent that same fricking amount of time playing soccer….


I have honed this mugger attitude right down to its very existence, its very being!Find me anyone who can mug like I do and still score like I did and I shall embrace him/her as my equal….


OK, back to 3rd year. The finals were fast approaching so I was executing the fine art of Chao-mugger-ness late into the night for the past few days.


I’m sure you all have heard and tried this style before, but I bet you guys don’t know its name. For shame! It is the 1-Ton-Textbook-on-Bed-Soft-Like-Lotus-Petals Technique. This ancient technique is practised by every able-bodied mugger, but beware! Practise it too much and it shall ruin your Life! Because most often than not, practitioners of this style become highly addicted to it and slowly lose their focus (tak-chekiness).


In fact, many who tried too much and too hard, have fallen to the dark side (or-or-koon) because they are not skilled enough to handle its mesmeric power. Many highest level Chao Muggers have fallen in its trap, dreaming that they are studying in their sleep.


All along, I’ve been studying in school (1-Ton-Textbook-on-Hard-Bench-Like-Nails). So the introduction of the new Mug-Fu gave my aching body a much needed reprieve. But as you can guess, being a novice of this new dlang, I started going home earlier and earlier. My textbooks and notes begin a revolution on my bed. I wake up suddenly at curious hours in the night with the light on, with no recollection of having studied and yet, my face adorned with backward print. Yes, I was going the sieh-tao.


One fine night, I was alone and about to execute it again the door bell rang. A strange uncle with long straggly hair, singlet and shorts, greeted me beyond my grilles.


He spake thusly, ‘Someone’s watching you.’


And I said, ‘Who?’


And he said, ‘I dunno.’


I was about to ram my big wooden door on his fingers and run screaming for the phone when he blurted out.


‘He looks at you when you sleep. From the window, he looks at you.’


My hand released itself from the door and calmly amid rising gore, I said,


‘Uncle, tell me all.’


And he told me.

For the past few nights that I have been practising 1-TTOBLSLP, someone had been climbing the water-pipes to the second floor of my home and peeped in on me. Mr Ravi stayed at an opposite block level with mine and had been catching Late-Night Soccer on his TV which was placed under his window. So for the past 3 nights, he had seen this black shadow standing on the small parapet outside my corridor.


I was scared out of my wits.


‘Uncle, did you see what he did?’


‘Yes, he did nothing, just look. Hands on the grille.’


‘How long?’


’10 minutes.’


I was aghast.


‘Uncle, why you never call Police?’


Mr Ravi shrugged.


‘I thought he your secret boyfriend. Like Romeo and Juliet.’


I felt faint.....


‘Then why now you telling me?’


‘Because yesterday, he climbed up another window after he climbed yours.’


Good Grief…..



To make matters somehow worse, I went upstairs to check on my belongings and truly, as Mr Ravi said, he did not take anything, even my HP, which was held in a hanging basket right beside the window in plain view. When I unlock the grille and stepped out to check the water-pipe, I found blackened footprints all over it….


Why didn’t anyone see it? I was feeling real scared by then….


Our block has an Official Peeping Tom. Who had nothing to do and was peeping at me! ME!!! Why is he still walking the Earth? Why is he still alive?! At the very least, how come he's not blind yet?!


So the police were called, and Mr Ravi puffed up his chest Big-big to tell the police everything he knew and saw, then had to be put under Suspicion and Interrogated because the police was wondering why he did not make a report earlier. By then, I was thinking really hard the past few night wondering if I had been groped, molested or stroked anywhere across my body. No leh, I tell myself, but I was dead to the world siah, like how to know?


I was acting slightly hysterical liao, so I was following a hansem policeman around, asking him to take his notes properly, tried to do the policing for him, correcting his spelling etc. and showing him the prints left along the parapet.


‘Sir, look at them, they are quite small, so he must be quite short.’


*scribble scribble* ‘OK.’


‘Erm, is that all you are going to do?’


*looks at me* ‘Yes?’



‘Well?! That's it? Aren’t you going to do something about it?’


‘Like what?’


‘Like, u know, brush it and lift it? Make a copy of it??’


‘No, Ma’am. We don’t do that.’


‘Why not? Then u can match it to the criminal wat!’


‘Because Ma’am, we only have a database for fingerprints, not footprints.’ I see his mouth twitching already. He must be imagining the process of asking those hard-living criminals to step on a wad of ink, then stomp over a canvas like Hollywood stars.


In the midst of the interview, Mr Incompetent asked,


‘Mr Ravi said the guy peeped in at 2am in the morning. He also mentioned that your night-light was on.’


‘Yes, Sir.’


‘So what were you doing at that point in time?’


‘I was streaking for him studying on the bed….ahem.’


*perplexed* ‘And u did not see him?’


‘erm…mostly I was sleeping….’


‘but your light is on?’


I looked him at fully in the face, obviously Mr Incompetent-but-Hansem is not a Chao Mugger versed in the art of the 1-Ton-Textbook-on-Bed-Soft-Like-Lotus-Petals.



‘Sir, I tried to study in bed with my light on, but I fell asleep instead.’



‘And you were wearing?’


I closed my eyes. ‘Nothing My textbooks My pyjamas.’


‘Facedown?’



Choujidan…..’Facedown.’


Mr Incompetent-but-oh-so-Hansem screwed his face and tried to imagine why anybody might be interested to climb up a water pipe just to peep in on someone covered from head-to-toe in breathable cotton, lying facedown on a tome with her hands by her sides, with her face and all her interesting bits hidden between her whale-like back and the bed for 3 consecutive days….



The dead have been known to look more alive and naked with better poses.



At the end of the interview, my parents have arrived home and were sincerely concerned. Mr Ravi puffed up his chest again to recount the tale of the shadow-man and his not-so-involved involvement in it.


That very same night, the police laid an ambush for the Shadow-Monkey. But we didn’t care about the police anymore. You see, our own family had a plan. Obviously the guy who peeped on me doesn’t have much taste in women. So we decided that Dad should sleep in my bed that night. To the worker’s thinking (and mine), it might even be an improvement in aesthetics.



And if he were to peep in again, Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Dragon-Pah shall be ready to take out his eye(!) through our window grill with one of our bamboo pole whose previous role was to sun clothes. This will upset the guy’s precarious balance and hopefully, if my dad pokes him hard enough and far enough (said pole is 2m long), not only will he fall off the second floor of my home, he’ll fall right off the parapet and thus off the entire HDB flat.



It was a cruel trick, I admit, but the whole thing had turned into a Comedy version of Crime-Watch and I wasn’t about to let my dad run away from his daughter-protecting duties. In any case, it was terribly amusing to see my big beefy Dad snuggle under my own covers pretending to be me. We even got him a pair of pyjamas that looked like mine.


Oh, oh, and of cos it was also a cruel trick to want to push the criminal down 8 storeys of thin air. It's gonna really hurt. *cough* BTW, it was pink…my PJs....



It was all terribly exciting. I couldn’t sleep that night because dad was snoring too loudly. My mum and I had fashioned a rough weapon from tying the screwdriver to a short pole, which I slept with at-the-ready leaning against the wall machiam like a soldier. Suddenly we hear a slight scruffling sound and my heart leaped into my throat. I was ready with my screwdriver at the window, prepared to plunge it through no matter who was on the other side. My blurry Dad was having difficulty poking his own pole through cos it was too long.



And then there was a big shout, ‘There! There! He went there!’ It was Mr Ravi, keeping a virgil from the opposite block, with his own arm out frantically waving at the direction of the fleeing peeping Tom. There was a huge burst of sirens from the carpark downstairs and a lot of shouting as plain clothes policemen sprung from both ends of the flat to bear down on the tasteless Pai-lang.



We watched from the window as a skinny Indian man was handcuffed and dragged into 1 of 3 police cars downstairs. The sirens then blared just once and drove away. It was all over in 10 minutes flat.



I have since moved my bed away from the window and added a double-lock and curtains. I never saw Mr Not-that-Incompetent-but-still-very-Hansem anymore. On the other hand, I often see Mr Ravi peering into my room from his whenever the curtains aren't down and waving cheerfully whenever he sees me.


I have a different sort of Peeping Tom now...




Out!


AKK :)