Friday, June 03, 2005

Trim-my-FAT-ASS-Campaign

Hi all!

‘Trim-My –FAT-Ass’ campaign is now up and running! Literally! 2 days ago, I huff and puff my way past the garden near our flat. Also, yesterday morning, I remembered something important! I actually have a POWER RIDER! Yes, I know, I know! How can I actually forget that there’s 1 huge gigantic piston-pressure, 13-resistance-level, height and seat-adjustable exercise machine place in my own bedroom somemore?!

Haiyah, tell u why, because I’ve had it since year 1 of Uni, those days when I strongly believe exercise can make u thin.. 1st year, I was diligent, I used it 3 times a day, then the minute I achieved my 4-pack (yea, I actually did…gosh), I congratulated myself heartily, placed it to 1 corner of the room and used its as a clothes rack.

It’s been like, in my room like this for 5 years already! Then as time when by, I added my Ikea rugs onto its saddle and hung my bras and pants and blouses all over it becos truly, its handlebars were oh-so-convenient! Just the right width with the soft sponge to prevent my clothes from creasing and my cups from caving in, compared to when I just stuff them all into my drawers. It’s a piece of art, is my power rider. The designer was a genius, I tell you, for making it fit so rightly as a heavy duty hanger.




I unearthed this monster beneath all my clothes.... see how the pants drape beautifully and how the rugs stay in shape?




So after clearing away my blouses and a few hangers of pants and of cos, removed the brassieres and the rugs, I gingerly sat on the rider again after so many years and tested it out. Pull up! Ok, no problem. Push down! Righty-ho!


I’ve got the hang of it, I remembered the feel of the power machine resisting my arms and calves and thighs muscles as I pushed and pulled my way up and down. Up, up, up. Down, down, down…. The resistant, the drag…I remembered… I started to worked it harder…


up …….down…..up ……down……


feel the drag…yea….the black monster beneath me……

*groan*…hard, dark, steel……between my legs.....It’s…so Hard!...Harder!...Up! Down! Up! Down!....Yes! Squeeze.....

Work those thighs……Oooo yahh……harder harder….yes!.....up…down!.....

faster….faster! God....one more...more...come on...give it to me...squeeze....harder! ...faster!...more more more!!!!



































*snigger*








Ahahahaaahahhhh……………oh, you guys are sick! I’m just exercising! Okok….Sorry sorry, I couldn’t help it. I always swore that my mind were a river, it’d have dead fish in them. I can see R(A) in ANYTHING…ok, almost anything except family, relatives and my late pet hamster. Besides that, I’m as corrupt as the Dalai Lama is holy….eheheheh…ahem....

Oh yes, anyway, I managed to do 500 reps! (up and down and up and down….) It’s so boring! And no, I did not achieve orgasm at all, had to do all the work myself, hhruumph! So with all these reps done, I was quite tuckered out already, all sweaty and stuffs….

Sigh…..Story of my Life yah? All the sweat and the pushing and pulling and the intensity and the satisfaction and the hissing (me) and groaning (me)…. If only I wasn’t talking about/to an exercise equipment!

So yesterday morning I rode *snigger* the thing, then bathed and changed and did my work and ate and slept….everything ok, no problem.

It was today morning when the pain came. When I went to the bathroom, I realised that I couldn’t sit…I couldn’t even pee! I was tottering like an old lady with combined rheumatism, arthritis and 2 broken legs…It was God-awful!

It wasn’t just my thighs and calves, which had totally locked themselves up like pretzels and refuse to unbend without excruciating pain. No Siree! Guess what I had?

Guess…..


I had……..


Saddle BURN! My God, it’s what little kids have when they plonk their smooth Johnson’s baby Butt onto a spanking new hard seat on a bike for 5 hours! I had been sliding back and forth on the saddle seat for less than ½ an hour! I had to do my ‘rear-pose’ test again (prev entry), except that this time the mirror angle had to go right down and I had to bend painfully and awkwardly to achieve the view. I saw and I almost fainted….I have like 2 strips of sashimi (read: raw and pink) slapped on me! 1 on each butt cheek! The horror….I think will scar….


And the pain…*groan*…it’s waxing x 100 (!)


Of cos amid all the aches and blisters, I had to get on with my Life bravely, I mean, I have my dignity! Even if every now and then, I had to clutch my butt every time I took a normal-sized step. Then after a while, I achieved a walk that gave me maximum speed with minimum aggravation. I started walking very fast in mincing tinny steps with my legs set wide apart.

I walked like that all over the house.///


And my MUM (retired and therefore home)…..She kept watching me from above her glasses, then finally, she asked me,



“Why are you walking like an Ah Kua (Gay man)?”


Really! Trust her to say such things! So embarrassing! I couldn’t possibly tell her! She’d first die laughing and if that didn’t kill her, she’d chase me down like a truant child, strip me and apply Zambak!


So I didn’t tell her…..


I told you guys instead…..



no one is as stoopid, so Enjoy my predicament…*groan*

Down but not out,
AKK













13 comments:

Jayaxe said...

Hehehe, not only ah guas walk like that mah! Anyway, you could have started with not that many reps. Then slowly progress to more. The most important thing is consistency in working out. It is no use if you do a lot of workout at a time for once in a very long while!

Blah! said...

Ow ow ow ow ow...saddle burn sure is a biatch. Here's a question; who do you think would win in a race between Liang Po Po and yourself in ur current state? *grins*

You used to have a hammie too? Me too! I don't think I can ever keep a hamster again, the mere memory of having them die on me after nearly 2 years is traumatising! Maybe I'll try keeping a guinea pig or a chinchilla next.

Rkp said...

Hello. Sorry I haven't left a comment for a very long time. I've been sorta busy with my studies. I wish I had one of those things in my room. I have been doing crunches every night and jogging once sometimes twice a week, and the result - a partially-visible four pack. LOL.
Anyhow, I need to run. Add me at trescool999@hotmail.com, I'd love to talk sometime. Au revoir!

Ang Ku Kueh said...

jayaxe:

Er...I'm intrigued...other than ah kuas, who will work like that? 500 not that hard, just boring...:), the pain comes anyway. I'll just have to wear proper gear to prevent blisters next time. Apparently boxers dun work... :)

Yan:

wah lau! es Q me leh...guinea pigs and chinchillas can die also leh! My late hammie is adopted from abandonment, so I actualy dunno how old he was. but i did make his life wunnerful...even got vet ah, that old furball...

Rkp:

very good, man! keep it up...then can go up to 6 leh!


Note to ALL:

oh yes! Somebody requested, so I got my blog an email too! see profile!

Tempest Blue said...

ROTFLMAO! You're hilarious lah, AKK. Now you've given me my daily exercise requirement, cos my stomach is in stitches liao.

If you're gonna hump- er.. I mean ride the Power Rider often, you might want to consider getting one of those neoprene bicycle seat covers from a bike shop. :-)

Ang Ku Kueh said...

tempest blue:

what does ROTFLMAO mean ah?

Hisreason said...

My goodness! POWER RIDER :D?!?! Damn nostalgic sia.... Haha....

Shit. I even remember Didi-7!

Tempestblue said...

Hmm.. if I am not wrong, it means 'Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass OFf'. :-)

Blah! said...

At least guinea pigs n chinchillas live longer.
I want to move it...MOVE IT! Great song to exercise to, if you ask me.

Ang Ku Kueh said...

tempest blue:

oooohhh....thx for telling! I dun have MSN/IRC/Friendster or any of those stuff, so I'm quite lousy on abbrevs. I need my lil bro to tell me what is LOL...eheheeh...

Yan:

up...down...up...down... sounds better, ahahahah....a different kind of song0...

hisreason:

I'm quite glad I don't remember Didi-7...ehehehe... I must be 1 era after you...:)

Jayaxe said...

Got. Gays and tai tais walk like that mah.

JellyGirl said...

hehehe. The things we do in the name of boo-ty. (pun intended)

Ang Ku Kueh said...

jayaxe:

oorhh...ya hor, then I not far off ah? tai tai leh....*waddle*

Jellygirl:

ahahah...if I got the money hor...I'd do liposuction...at least it's permanent... :)