Sunday, September 25, 2005

I said I was a Virgin but....

Hi all!

This entry contains explicit picture (only one) and has been interspersed with MSN conversation with a fren.



Only last year, I was admitted to hospital due to………… wait wait….let me pronounce it out carefully….gastro-enteritis-is-is…er.... I was having diarrhea and vomiting almost every 5 minutes at home. I’ve had high fever and taking panadols didn’t help because I would vomit it out. On the 3rd morning, I felt like my house mat that had been washed with bleach and rung dry in the sun….



……pale, wrinkled and hot….



I wanted to lie down somewhere and die…….

……or find a toilet and slump on it forever.





So in the end, I made my mum take me to E&R because its got both a mortuary and restrooms there.



When the tall and hansem doctor said I must be warded immediately; I was ready to kissed him with my shredded lips. Since he also inserted the intra-venous drip into my arm with minimal pain, he quite literally sprouted a golden halo and 2 white wings. I stared deep into his eyes and he stared back a while, i was sure at that moment, we made a connection…..then he gave me a quick smile and then turned the drip force all the way up. When I recounted my ‘miraculous vision and electric attraction’ to my Doc frens later on, they all asked me if I did or said anything funny to my Angel Gabriel.



Apparently it is possible to hallucinate under extreme thirst…. My fission of ‘connection’ had been 'a figment of my imagination' and 'a deep desire to be rescued' (there's a psychiatrist in the bunch...)…




......I remembered i was licking my lips.........ohhh, the shame…..........




I spent the next 7 days in the ward after admittance. I tried to tell the nurses (weakly) that since I needed the toilets very badly to vomit and pass motion, I needed to be placed near them. But nooo….they said I was young and strong and since they placed all their liver-failure and kidney patients around that area, I was shuttled to bed 35.




And yes, the nearest loo is at bed 80-something



So for the first few nights, there would be this female ghost who would hobble along the corridor of ward 53 every 10 minutes, dragging along the intra-venous drip-stand.



Sometimes, there would be slow measured steps with tiny tinkling sounds of the hard plastic hitting the metal stand and the wheels going ……..eee….....eee………..eee………..eee…….….




Sometimes, the steps would be faster when the ghost became more urgent ….barp barp barp goes the plastic bag of drip against the stand.




…….. ee.ee.ee.eeee.eee.eeee..eee..ee….




Sometimes there will be a crash of sounds when that female ghost almost couldn’t make it to the loo, a crescendo of noises filled with laboured breathing and heavy footsteps…



……..EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! ……







ooooo.......




MSN:
>...everyday stomach growling

>aiyoh

>on day3 hor, i reached the 'floating' stage, felt like i no need food liao....ke yi shang tien tang le….





The worse came when the nurses noticed I was bleeding. I had no more waste but I was passing out blood. There was an emergency call for the consultant who came at once to review me. All through it all, they didn’t have a clue what was happening to me.




And so they ordered a colonoscopy




You know wat a colonoscopy is? They use this to check for ulcers, colon cancers etc etc. They make you shit out your whole system, then plug this long hose with a camera into your butthole and push and push and PUSH till they reach the end of the colon before they pull it out.




It’s a great system, only if it doesn’t happen to you.......but it sure was damn amusing to the on-lookers...



Nur-si opened this tube of gel at my bed. Since I was almost comatose, I wasn’t about to ask what she’s going to do. But when she started flipping me onto my face and raising my ass up to hers, I felt morally obliged…




Without warning, she plugged that tube of gel into me and started to squeeze all the gel into my butt! KNN, as big as Pantene’s hair conditioner!!!





look at the size of those things!!!





Like, OOOWWWWW!!!!! I immediately wanted to ‘clench’, but she barked out an order.





‘Relax! Dun squeeze! Keep it all in for 2 minutes!’




2 minutes?!!!!



I started moaning. 'Nur-si, I could feel the gel all the way up to my throat….'




Then with a flip, she managed to lay me onto my back again and quickly spread a sheet below me.



‘ok, you can let go now.’



And I let loose….



It might have been funnier to say that I overflowed the sheet, but I was a disappointment to her really. She only managed to squeeze in half a tube.




I wanted to comment that the bloody spill looked like a pregnancy gone wrong, but was too tired to crack that joke. Anyway, the nurse herself was fairly pregnant herself and I value my life.



I thought the trial was already over and started to relax again. Right….I forgot to mention that I didn’t know I was going for colonoscopy because they only told my parents. But since my parents are not science ppl, they didn’t know the implications and are not about to ask any important questions, only quite stupid questions like,



‘will she be ok, sir?’ and


‘how long will it take, sir?’ and


‘will you be handling this personally?’ and the best one,


‘how expensive is that colono-no-er-no-scopy?’


......... which means the consultant essentially did not have to touch the topic of the word ‘colon’ in colonoscopy at ALL.



Whereas if he’d told me, I would be asking lots of pertinent and extremely important questions like:


‘Doc, issit gonna hurt, doc?


‘Doc, you sure it’s not gonna hurt, Doc?’


‘If it does hurt like blazers, Doc, can I sue you, Doc?’





A sudden barrage of nurses, as if on cue, came upon bed 35 all at once. In a fit of high efficiency, I was speedily deposited onto a portable bed, then cranked up so high into the air, I almost hit the ceiling. The nurses’ heads bobbed as they wheeled me along the corridor.



It was a different perspective altogether while I dreamily admired the white-washed ceilings….I’ll never forget the fluorescent lights merging as a streamline of white glow as they flashed by.



it was a state of emptiness, of disassociation.



The dawn of enlightenment was just within my grasp...so this is what almost-Nirvana feels like......I reached out…



BANG! And almost flopped off the bed…. My cruising bed apparently collided with another patient’s. Immediately I fell back to earth. The other patient on his own bed looked me balefully as the nurse below us quarrelled throughout the trip to the colonoscope room.




Over there, the lady doc said:



‘Akk, I’m going to insert a thin tube into you and gently ease it into your intestines. Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit. I’ll be gentle. I’m going to keep you sedated now, alright? We’ll give you enough to make you sleep, so you won’t feel pain.’





See the bold words? The woman was a wang-ba-fucking-dan liar. I’ll now write down the true meaning of her words by substituting them …




‘Akk, I’m going to fucking jam a fricking massive hose into you and wham the bugger into your intestines all the way to your throat. Don’t worry, this will sibeh hurt really really bad! I’ll be so KN-sai chor lor to you your knees will never say ‘hi’ to each other again. I’m going to keep you conscious enough to feel that fricking fire up your asshole and yet weak enough to be unable to clench shut at entry, alrite? We’ll give you enough to make an ini-machiam ant doze for 5 sec, so you will fucking remember this UFO-experience forever.’





Chouji-Nabeh-dan...




MSN:
>and then the doc gave me anal probe, can?!! bloody hell, sibeh jialat...

>wah... you backside no more virgin liao.

>Wah lau!!! i never tot of that leh!!!





Later when I ask my visiting doctor frens (after they stop quizzing me exactly which angel Gabriel it was), they told me that the sedation injected into my drip should have sufficiently conked a large Doberman. I told them I wasn’t a doorman, so they had to check my drip and assess my health again. After making sure I’m perfectly lucid, they made me entertain them with a recount of my colonoscopy experience.



By the time I was done, they were lying across my blanketed feet in the ward, dying from stomach cramps themselves. When they could finally get some air, both Ham-Chee-Pang and Lek-Tau-Teng said they totally and absolutely commiserated with me, but also:




‘Wah lau, you got the constitution of an ox, issit?! Ppl usually sleep through the whole thing one leh! How come u so special? That sedation supposed to wipe out pain and recollection! Not only never sleep, kena pain also! U sibeh suay…’




To which I answered back, Choujidan, how to sleep?! I saw everything can? Got fricking 40’ plasma screen inches from my face, can? Loh-kun, Nur-si and me all watching anal porn!’ then I had to stop because they got floored again…




*pissed* ‘Stop laughing! I not joking! Everytime she go and wedge the stoopid camera further into my butt, I saw my own insides split open like Red sea!! Sibeh painful! Like machiam Live–telecast Fear Factor!’




To which they collapsed again….




*mutter mutter* ‘Chouji-nabeh-dan…want faint from horror also cannot, everytime I tot can sleep liao, she starts jamming again…....Stop laughing, you chao buggers!’




muahahahhahahhahaahha…………!!!!




I’ve got some great frens, I have......



OUT!

AKK








The other Choujidan was the follow-up doctor who joked that my colon is 'pristine' and 'clean as a whistle'.

42 comments:

barneysaurus said...

Holy Macaroni! How that's some experience!! Haha, I only got a jab on the butt the other time I vomit and lausai big time, so I can't complain, keke....

So what was the exact problem? Hope you won't ever have to kena this kind of thing ever again. Choy choy!

frenie said...

gosh. Heng I ate my lunch liao.

eileen said...

... i think u should become a doc and give ur frens the same colonoscopy treatment. u do have great frens who'll like to understand and fully experience the pain u went through.. ;)

Ah 9 said...

wah lan...u described ur 'butt-rape' so vividly...
*cringe*

u no more virgin there as ur fren said...lol

Ah 9 said...

oh yah get well soon!

Jayaxe said...

I understand the ordeal you've had. Coz' I been through it before. Yay, cheers to being non ass virgins! Hahahaha

lancerlord said...

At least you did not let out farts when kena 'poked'. I've heard stories that people farted when the 'thing' was inserted. Smelly smelly. :)

wally said...

At least a lady doc did it... are male docs allowed to do it on female patients?

Ang Ku Kueh said...

barney:

the whole colonoscopy was a waste because they couldn't find out wat it was. but since i do bacteria work in the lab.....immunity low and ate wrong things...

frenie:

hahhhaaaah...not so bad rite? it was pretty funny an experience to me leh actually. something i'm glad i went through but will be too scared to go thru again...

eileen:

eh...wouldn't wish the same thing on my frens siah...heheheh

ah 9:

ya lor, it hurts, man! how can anyone like such things?!!! happen last yr, so i recovered liao.:)

jayaxe:

*hi-five!!!* hahhaha...were u awake like me? hhahha...

lancerlord:

muahhaahah....no, din do anything like that,because already super-clean and on glucose diet liao. but even if got hor, i tell you the patient damn heck care liao....


wally:

i actually think this is one of the most thankless jobs in the world leh. even if its a guy doc, i dun mind as long as he does it rite. Can believe or not? everyday plug someone's ass? nah....i'm pretty unisex when it comes to doctor gender preferences...

Li-er said...

Ya... I'm curious on the problem too. What had happened then? Food poisoning or something? It's quite a tramatising experience huh?

Jaywalk said...

One hole down, one to go.... :P

Deek said...

At least you got a lady doc, I kena'd a male nurse who is broken wristed. NNH, was I worried!

lakeside girl said...

WAHAHAHA!

Anal porn. One excited pervert is gonna be disappointed when he googles for that and is rewarded with your 'clean as a whistle' colon.

You always make simple things in life sound so hilarious, AKK. ;)

Ang Ku Kueh said...

li-er:

work stress, rampant bacteria cultures in the lab, low immunity and a Prima Deli Tuna Bun....damn lethal combination...


Jaywalk:

choujidan.....wrong hole lah!!!


deek:

Deekie!!! first time comment leh! ni hao! BTW, you must be one of those lucky ppl who slept thru, otherwise u'll be cussing with me also...hehehe


green apple:

Funny how funny things always happen to simple me hor? must be simple-mindedness...sighz...thank for enjoying the predicament, makes me much better...hahahah

Winter said...

wah..

i cannot stop laffing leh..

u r REAL good in describing ur whole experience & next time whoever says chou ji dan, i will be reminded of u instantly..

haha

Cake said...

poor thing!!

Who says lawyers are liars??

Doctors also lor!!

Erm. is that your pigu. or you take from online one?

stars_of_rain said...

Oh my goodness. I think that was damn scary la! I went for a bloodtest yesterday, and I was already screaming and yelling at the hospital. Damn embarrassing.. Hahaha..

Tempest Blue said...

I sympathise with you, AKK, but i hope never to have to share that experience.

Is it just me or does reading this post induce an involuntary clenching reflex of the rectal muscles?

Lynne said...

OMG, you did an Eric Cartman - anal probe!!

Jokes aside, my sympathies!

Zen|th said...

Actually, I think if it was in the US, you could probably sue the doctor for causing you so much pain and discomfort.

nadnut said...

OUCH!

i had one tube inserted into my nose then into my throat. which was a rather digusting feeling. cant imagine how u felt...

OUCH! (again)

miss u babe! shopping again? =P

Ruok said...

reminds me of the time when I got checked for thyroid and also kenna a check up on my ass...

but really lor, this post cracks me up as well. :)

So wats the outcome? u feeling better now?

Ang Ku Kueh said...

vanna:

I also just realised that choujidan seems to be pretty specialised form of cussing...hmmm...next time u hear it, it might be me...heheeheh...

cake:

hahah...the doc wasn't ;ying, i just damn suey the sedation din work on me....haiz...incidentally, that is REALLY my ASS you are looking at, heeheheh... souvenir of a lifetime...

stars:

blood test already scream?!! girl...u winner, hahaha....wan donate blood with me? I'm a regular, heheeh...

tempest:

not just u, hehehe...it's reflex for me now everytime i hear the word 'colon'...there it goes...

lynne:

i know siah! really UFO/southpark leh! anal probing abductee!

zenith:

i really din think it's their fault...heheeh...I believe in the sedation process not working out on me, heheeh.....which is good in a way, or u wun be reading this.

nad:

wah lau! that sounds worse than mine! eeeeeee.....shopping? when when?!!
aww....miss u too!


RUOK:

hehehe...ya, me OK now. as i said, they dun know what's wrong with me and the pics were all 'clean', no complications. read my reply to li-er for more comprehension, hehehe...

JellyGirl said...

Owww I'm sorry to say I couldn't finish reading your post as it just got more and painful-sounding as it went on! :)

But glad to hear you're all betters now!

nadnut said...

anytime babe. :)

next week? shall we bug mr B?

stars_of_rain said...

Donate blood?!

I think I would yell the whole building down first before the nurse can insert the needle into me. Hahaha.. Xin1 you3 yu2 er li4 bu4 zhu2..

Ang Ku Kueh said...

jellygirl:

oh geez...and i actually meant this entry be more funny and less life-like, haahahah...

nad:

sms siah. i ok.:)

stars:

haiz...my blood donor bit fail liao...

nadnut said...

lol. i lost ur number again. got back old phone. heh.

Dr BL Og said...

AKK next time I do for you SURE no pain.

first need to get my colorectal surgeon friend to teach me.....

Jaschocolate said...

hahaha.. sorry cant help laughing at the end, even though the earlier parts are quite disgusting..

Chaichakri said...

You get MANY more comments than I ever get in my blog. I'm JEALOUS!
I think, I have to expand my readership beyond the gay guys.....ha ha hee hee

Anyway, it is a good read... funny but also in a disguting way.. LOL

Zhe Bin said...

It sounds so painful even to me reading it only. OUCH.......!

Zhe Bin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Zhe Bin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Miracle said...

hi, happened to read yr blog. hope u r well. a great description of yr trauma. hv a gd rest.

Ang Ku Kueh said...

dr Og:

er.......nvm, dun wan kena another time liao...

Choccolove:

hehehe...glad u are enjoying the last bit, i also tot it was the saving grace of the whole sordid entry...

kitjar:

thanks siah...:)

Zhebin:

hahaha...i actually think that guys might think it has a far worse experience than females...hahahah

miracle:

oh noo...this happened quite a while back already. :) me totally fine now...got a damn clean colon...ahem...

ivanny said...

haha... reading the entry alone was already painful enough...lol.. i can totally imagine the whole process...lol

gosh, that comment abt "ur behind not virgin anymore" is damn funny lor...lol... u've got funny friends...haha

Ang Ku Kueh said...

Ivanny:

guess who's the one who made that comment? see entry above...hahahah....

averilchan said...

You poor thing... So against nature can?... =(

Ang Ku Kueh said...

averil:

no biggie lah, they just couldn't sedate me, that's all. next time hor must maKe sure they KO me...

wally said...

since we're on the subject of butt-rape... do some girls really love it? not "dont mind" it leh, i mean really "love it" leh.

Ang Ku Kueh said...

wally:

bloody hell, wat question is that, man? I think any girl would hate it leh! u mean u know who likes it????!!! come on, even some gays need to take pills to dilate their rectum for sex, so it's really not natural, so therefore painful...so the person must like pain to love this...but u'll never know actually....perhaps in my case wrong contact, but i'm not abt to do this type of act lah...just wrong hole siah...Eeeeee......