Monday, August 01, 2005

Haven’t u heard of the TauSuan theory?


Hi all!!!

A fren of mine has been chatting with me on MSN recently. He was modestly trying to get me to understand that he has no admirers. Since I know him and know his vital stats...........ok, so I dun know his vital stats...........but will BMI do? He’s 172 and 59 kg, so u’ll do the maths. We are talking abt a pretty fit person here who is not skinny and pleasingly turned out. It’s a wonder why somebody who looked like he does can actually be so clueless.....

We were going in circles. Me telling him he’s really quite a catch and him telling me otherwise, until I got fluffed! I’ve decided to pass on to him an ancient knowledge that I’ve gleaned from the sunny hills of Bukit Timah during my scholarly days. I’ve decided I shall forward him this knowledge that has been founded by me and me alone, in order to bring him peace and happiness....

And of cos, to make him quit this inferiority complex.....

Then I decided, after he has received enlightenment..........why stop now?

I find that all of us have the tendency to fall back on our small nuances of errors. It is true that we can only see the tiny misgivings of ourselves and cannot understand that on the whole, we all are incredibly attractive.......

Yes, it's true! Believe me! Becos I shall show u now!

Drum roll, pls *rrrrrrrrrrr…….*

I, AKK, humbly present to you all,
The TauSuan (aka Yellow bean paste aka TS) theory

Once upon a time,

In the faraway land of BT hill, there lived a nun in a communist co-ed monastery named Kueh. Kueh studied ancient texts in a classroom environment filled with young novices like her. Among these novice was a young monk named TauSuan. While he was not out-right bullish, he managed to make everybody feel stupid abt themselves, not becos he was a crackpot or a smartass. TauSuan basically just likes to laugh at anyone who is talking to him in a slightly offensive manner.

To Kueh, it meant that everytime she had to talk to him, he always made her feel stoopid by laughing and pointing at her for no reason at all.

Soon, it was obvious to Kueh that TauSuan cannot be tolerated, so she left him alone to demonstrate his laughing streak on other novices.

Then one day, Kueh overheard the other class nuns discussing about TauSuan during communal lunch. Curious, she shifted her porridge bowl over and joined the conversation.......

To her horror, in the space of 10 minutes, she found out an absolutely horrendous revelation. Monk TauSuan had, without his knowledge, acquired the hearts of 5 nuns and made them moon over him (and their uneaten porridge). That many admirers, all of whom were decent sweet nuns, all of them, without even trying to be nice!!

Nun Kueh felt totally suckered.

She was so bewildered, she hurriedly left to quiet her thoughts under the monastery’s only living Palm tree. She was so bewildered by the news that she proceeded to kick out a high-order monk also seeking enlightened under a particularly shady spot and begun a process of meditating to decipher the meaning of this outrage.

Now, it should be said that Kueh believed herself to be a decent, likeable person, yet she often wondered why no monks ever profess an interest in her. Why therefore, can somebody like TauSuan, received such undivided attention from 5 gushing nuns?

With that question in her mind, she became stone and did not move nor speak to anyone, except to answer nature’s call and copy lecture notes.........

One day, after a hard rain, Kueh opened her crusty eye from her shaded spot and beheld the wonder of the sun rays. In that instant, it hit her like a big hammer.......her enlightenment had come! She has found the answer! With a laugh, she leaped up and down and around the palm and hugged the slightly sunburned high-order monk sitting in the sun, grateful for the insight.

Kueh ran back into the monastery for her ink brush and bamboo and Thus, begun writing the formulation of the TauSuan theory......

theory states that:

In any given time or space, a person has

5 x TS = number of secret admirers whom he/she did not know about,

this situation occurs where TS stands for TauSuan, which is a factor that denotes a whole number >1 and which final value (i.e.answer) equates to admirers that is unbeknownst to the person.

When Kueh received her highest dlang order and became a full fledged nun, her students came to her and asked her many questions:

Mistress, what is the TS factor?

The TS factor is a variable value that increases with a person’s worth. The TS value is set at a baseline of 1. Humanity has hope becos Tausuan actually has 5 admirers .

Mistress, why must TS factor be greater than 1?

Because normal ppl do not laugh at others and made them feel stupid. TS himself represents the value of 1. If u do not have such practices, your TS factor shall be greater than 1. It also means that by default, we all have at least 10 admirers.

But mistress, I do not have even 1 admirer.

*bonk gently on head* Ah…it is obvious that you did not study hard enough, disciple. TauSuan theory is the ultimate theory because it cannot be proven wrong. The TauSuan theory represents the number of admirers that u garner without your knowledge. If u know u’ve got 1, then u’ve got at least 11 admirers mooning over you.

Satisfide with the answers, the novices applaud the venerable Nun Kueh and her wisdom.

Moral of the story?

You have at least 5 people who likes you that you know nuts about. So feel loved. U are attractive in ways that u’ll never know, in ways that your crushes themselves or the rest of the world cannot understand. So Be more Confident of yourself. You are more Attractive than you think.

TS has since left the monastery after recieving his highest dlang order. He is now in the highlands of the Himalayas meditating in the snow and laughing at Yaks....


nadnut said...

hmmm. where are my admirers then?

come out come out wherever you are!!!!!

Tempest Blue said...

Oh wise and venerable Kueh, she of blessed insight into the sacred ways of BGR, impart unto me that which your enlightened wisdom has revealed:

How do we derive the answer for the number of known admirers from the 5 x CT equation?

Your humble disciple


Jaywalk said...

BT Hill communist co-ed school. Pei Hwa?

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha, AKK and Tempest Blue.. both of you are funny!!!!!!!

- BK -

Hisreason said...

I fall on my knees to worship thee, oh mighty Ang Ku Kueh! I have now seen the light and is a step closer to nirvana. Bless me, can :)?

And! Totally unrelated, but I have been having MSN conversations with a fren recently too, and she also kept denying she was attractive ;) My goodness!

Winter said...

We are all trying to be humble & claim that we are unattractive & nobody wants us.

seems to be very thick-skin if we say that we are good-looking & got alot of admirers. hahaha


Zen|th said...

Hmm.. The theory's a bit complicated. Haha.

wally said...

wahahaha.. that's damn funny can! to think you really came up with this theory.

anyway, thanks for all the comments you've been leaving at my blog. you're my most faithful "comment-leaver"

frenie said...

hahaha. Wah, if the theory is really true, then I really got more than 11 ah?

I shall start to imagine everybody is in love with me.

yourlittlebro said...

Wah zeh.
You know all this??? Why didnt you teach me?!

stars_of_rain said...

Ahh.. You sure you sure? *hope ignited*

Zhe Bin said...

i've always believed that i'm a superstar and that every chicks are fighting over me. at least 5000 of them. *ROARRRR*

hahaha. how did i do Venerable Kueh?

; )

Ang Ku Kueh said...


haiyah...u look so cute, definitely have more, eheheeh...just dunno only.


my little one, the tausuan theory does not and never will cover no. of known admirers becos then, u would know already, rite? so no need formulation.


way off mark, try again. :)


thanks for coming. and thanks for saying tempest and i'm funny, heheheeheh...


really? then u should go spread the tausuan theory to her. :)


I'm not saying that we are good-looking, becos that'd make all the models bankrupt. No, i'm just saying that each and everyone of us have secret admirers that we'll never know of, who will actually like us for reasons that we cannot comprehend. maybe basically, real reasons like the fact that we are all decent, nice ppl in general. Since you won't know abt it, then it's not a matter for thick-skinnedness. :) heheheh...the theory applies to all and sundry! be more confident! yay!


I know i know! i try to simplify it but cannot!!! this is the simplest equation already. the original one had X and Y factors!


thanks ya? it's a long time ago already, glad i remember it, eheheh...anyways, i leave comments becos of ur entries lah. good reading lor. :)


oooohhhhh....u mean u know of 1 already??? who who who??!!!

lil' bro:

this kind of sacred knowledge must be over 17 yrs old then can know!eeheheh...already discount u 1 yr liao.


super sure! no worries! keep ur head up high!


muahahha...i think u way over my league liao, I only arrive at a figure 10, u got 5000? hahahahah...old great ABBOT! i bow to u!!!! :)

Hisreason said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ang Ku Kueh said...


hehehhe...censor censor! :) sorry! :) but u know why! :)

Winter said...

y censor???? hahaha

share leh.. :P

Li-er said...

Wahahaaa... Really buey tahan you... Trust you to come up with all these funny stuff. *applause*

Ed, Edd & Eddy !!! said...

heheh, funny loh. Rither you are very creative or your mind works in strange ways.

ivanny said...

great...was confused at first ... now enlightened liao...luickily got conclusion at bottom or else i will still be "huh?!" lol...

great theories! u always keep me entertained! lol... =)

Ang Ku Kueh said...


aiyo....censor becos he said something naughty! heheheh...go ask him lor. :)


eh...thanks, but i truly believed in this theory, hehehe...make me feel better..:)


creative, me? muahahahah....i think it's the second one...


wah lau..thank u thank u! so do u lor! entertain, i mean. :)