I have been remiss in my duties. The barrage of festivities have made me extremely busy, but I ain’t complaining. For once in my life, I can honestly say that I’m actually playing more than I’m working/studying.
Now I’m writing this entry in the comforts of my own home, watching TV and enjoying a wireless connection. I’m so freaking lucky. The day is sunny, windy and I’m on leave! The day cannot go better.
But as usual, I digress. Much have happened and much as I would like to blog about them all, I couldn’t. I wanted to express my happiness and joy meeting the many friends during the last 2 weeks. Thanks goes out to J, Nad, Deek, Vanna, Jaschoc, Meepok, Hitomi, Kelawar. I also had the pleasure of my dear friends who came over to my place, our traditional X’mas celebrations have come a long way, guys! Over and over, I hope it never ends….
On the other hand, something did end. The topic of today’s blog involved somebody I loved, whom I didn’t know I loved till the last moment. Sure I knew I liked him, I’m sure I knew I would like to spend an inordinate amount of time by his side.
But dun tell me about Love. Love is overrated. Love doesn’t put food on the table, nor does it prevent 2 otherwise loving people from quarrelling and hurting each other. Love is infatuation, puppy love, a feeling that never comes when u wish for it and always refuses to go when you are dying from it.
Melodramatic ay? Yup, pls tell that to the Qiong-yao serial readers. The last time what I tot I felt was love was actually only a crush.
In any case, I shall try to be as honest as I can be here under the circumstances.
Suffice to say: A and I had a disagreement, we had a quarrel. It was small enough to be trivial but big enough to be destructive.
Suffice to say: I cried. It’s not something I’m proud of. Other than reading lomance and watching lomantic movies, I hardly ever let tears fall, being usually too sensible to risk blinding my eyes with gallons of salt and having my nose stuck 10 miles long with wet tissues.
But when I cry, I bawl. Yeah, I can do the kung-fu equivalent of the Ru-Lai-Fuo-Zhang (Buddha's Palm). There is nothing delicate about me when I tear up. It’s all salt, water, mucus and a one-half box of Kleenex’s finest 3-ply.
Which was why A was so utterly bewildered and horrified. His little dirty-minded, nonya confectionery was turning extra gooey and runny, something he’d not witnessed before. His past gfs were the softly-tearing shu-nu sort. I should know, I knew them personally and have actually been witness to their delicately wet eyelashes. They cry like pageant queens and lousy beautiful actresses. They always end up looking more ethereal in the aftermath, proving once again that I shall never find out why in hell A sees in me, other than the fact that I’m not suicidal and light doesn’t project out the left side when u shine a torch into my right ear.
I swear he must have trying to find out the same thing that day too.
In any case, the quarrel ended with sorrys exchanged but needless to say, it was unresolved. I went to work with swollen eyes and feeling all out of sorts. Getting distracted at work only made me more cranky and unhappy….I even teared up again in my dad’s car and made him extra nervous with the taxis.
It was a thoroughly bad day for me, is the 21st of December.
So when the gauntlet came, it was totally unexpected. I was home alone and watching TV when A came over in the evening.
‘We need to talk.’ He said.
Oh no. My heart shrunk a bit, I think, judging by that squeezing tightness of my chest.
‘Dear’ He sighed. ‘I really do appreciate the time we have together, our friendship. Everything about us, it was wonderful. I never felt so comfortable with anyone before.'
I stared at him blankly through my panda eyes. He thinks I’m stupid. I used these same words on my ex-BF when I dumped him too. Almost word for word.
But, I thought, you'd say 'but'. There’s always a ‘but’.
‘But.’ There it is. Ha. Now, he thinks I’m an idiot. Oldest trick in the book, boy, to spring your surprise after worthless statements of hope. My eyes narrowed.
‘But,’ he continued gravely. ‘It’s not enough for me.’
This is Karma, surely! Kuan Yin is punishing me by using cruel irony. The speech might have been scripted by me 5 years ago….Salvage it, you fool! Take control of the conversation. I force open my pinched mouth, all contrite and afraid.
‘Look. If this is about yesterday, I said I was sorry. It’s not a big deal. Couples quarrel, that always happens. You can’t expect everything to always turn out sparkly and spanking clean.’
His eyes glazed. But I put my palms on the side of his face for emphasis and forced him to stare at me.
‘Nothing’s perfect. We aren’t perfect for each other. Nobody is. We have to work at it. Together. Isn’t that what we wanted? Isn’t that why we are together? What else do you need?’
A shifted uncomfortably and my heart, just now shrunken like a cherry pit, now dropped like a thousand pound dumbbell. He’s not listening nor responding.
I dropped my hands. I mused that I can hear the security locks tightening around my heart for an eventual rejection. It’s another re-run 5 years hence. Like a connoisseur, I recognized the signs and appreciated the moment, the body’s self-defense kicks in, poised for bad news.
I shall not be made to feel unwanted again. I’m strong. Of cos I can take it, I’m not born a shrinking violet. So there.
But the tears. Like brats, they run away from the whip of my eyelids. I couldn’t stop them. Idiot, I scold myself, when I see him back up again at my reaction. Where’s the iron girl he's always admired?
He left the sofa and I watched him go to the side table where he always puts his valuables. He’s going to leave. He's going totake his things and walk out.
Then he turned back and he held in his hands, a box of tissue and a package. Slowly, reverently, he pulled out a piece and passed them over my brimming eyes.
‘Don’t cry. I hate to see you cry.’ Which only made me cry all the more. Pathethic, sniveling flop that I am. He cannot see, but I love him to Bits. I didn't know last time but I knew it that instant. I do. Love him. And he says it's not enough.
‘Then don’t watch lah. Go. Leave.’ What bravado. I am amazed at myself.
He looked back curiously.
‘Leave? Why should I leave? And for that matter, why are you crying?’
I flared up like a smashed Molotof Cocktail.
‘Because! You think it’s not enough, we’re not enough, it’s not good enough! You want more! Don’t have to say it! I know it! You want out. That’s why! So go!’
To my horror, I started hiccupping again. I put my burning wet face into my hands.
‘Just go lah. Leave me in peace.’
He sighed. And retaliated.
‘Sometimes you are just so drama. You think you’re sensible and practical, but you aren’t. You sing like Elmo, then sometimes you sing like a Pro. You even cry like a water-hose. Half the time, I don’t even understand what’s going on inside your little head.’
He took my hand and slowly force open my wet palm and placed a round velvet ball in my hand.
‘I don’t know what you are trying to achieve by coming all teary over me. If it was about yesterday, it’s already over. Didn’t we say sorry together?’
I fingered the red velvet unconsciously while he continued scolding. I realized what had started out as a sigh from him was actually an enormous temper threatening to erupt.
‘It wasn’t enough. Of cos it wasn’t enough. We are damn good friends for longer than 5 years, don’t you know me or who I am? Think, will you?! Think!’
There was more to the outburst but I wasn’t listening.
I was staring at the red hard ball in my hand.
It had hinges.
My eyes grew wide.
Then just as fast as he started the tirade, he stopped and plucked the ball from my fingers and with the other arm, he wound it around me to bring me right up against him on the sofa. Then as fast as his temper came, it went swiftly and was replaced with a slow smile. He gave a quick hug and said, ‘No matter. That is over and done with. In fact, I have a surprise for you.’
And he opened it.
‘Funny how you actually said ‘sparkly’ just now. I thought you already knew.’
Nestled in the white cushions was a ‘sparkly’ starburst. I was struck speechless.
‘Now, I know we just quarreled yesterday but it’s a trivial thing. We’re good friends, dear, we always find a way to work it out. As for this, I went and got it today for Christmas, but once I had it, I couldn’t wait...... Oy. Hello?....Oy!’
He headbutted me to get my attention.
Dumbly, I looked up from the ring. It was all too bewildering. One minute I thought it’s over, the next….
‘Will you marry me?’
'I....we.....' I was incoherent. My mind, being geared for a painful withdrawal, wasn't prepared for a sudden 180 turnabout.
Then what should happen but that the faucet started turning again…
A did another double-take when I grabbed his shirt to my face and wailed mercilessly into his polo-tee.
‘Wah lau! Don’t you ever stop crying? Damn, where’s the tissue?’
And amid his frantic rush for a 3-ply Kleenex, I gave the most fearsome bawl I’ve ever had onto his chest. Ring all but forgotten on the coffee table.
It was a weirdest feeling. The sensation of crying due to sheer joy.
Yes. I’ll marry you.
Yes. I love you.
Thank you. For loving me back.
Thank you. For everything.
AKK:) *no more tears*