Friday, April 28, 2006

Helllloooooo Moto! A Letter of Complaint

To Whom it may concern,

Hi and how are you? Glad to know you are fine and all that. No, I’m not very fine, thank you. I am writing in aggravation over a particular matter.

It pertains to my handphone, which is a Motorola L6. As a company who is drawing immense profits above margin, I’m sure you’d like to know how one of your many many lucrative products have been faring in the possession of discerning customers like me, who put their connections to the World ‘in the line’, so to speak, on the Monkey-King-try-to-fly-over-Buddha’s-Middle-Finger-in-Her-Palm-But-Failed-miserably-Kinda-Hands for your safe-keeping.

My complaint is this: Why the smelly-egg hell did you make your handphones so skinny? I’d spent a full 60 seconds searching desperately through my 50-liter rucksack in order to stop that incessant ringing (yes, why your phone so loud also?). It was that or face the wrath of all the MRT morning crowds trying to catching their additional winks sitting and standing.

Yes, the embarrassment I had to go through under their hot bloodshot stares when this hum-sap lao han actually poked me, POKED me on my shoulder, just as I was stamping down raising panic, just as my pencil box bursts its seams and all its innards as I whipped it out to dig around for the phantom ringing phone in said bag, just as it rained pencils, erasers and staplers onto a small growing island of restaurant napkins, umbrellas, my windbreaker, used tissue balls and loose paper around myself.

When I faced him, hair all ragged holding onto a torn pencil bag, he dared to reach around and poke me again, POKED me! On my BUTT! The audacity! The fact that he was pointing out the L6 has been nestling in my back pocket all along did not change the fact that I had been publicly harassed, and had not the L6 been layered between my luscious butt and his pudgy fingers, my skin would have been dented. DENTED and MOLESTED by his hairy paws.

…..wait a minute….. *pause*

OK, you win. So the L6 stopped that hum-sap lao han, So? I’m sure if L6 had been as thick as Nokia, I’d be SAFER from his evil pointer. For one thing, it would have been further.

Yes, by twice the distance.

So the original argument still stands that your phone is too fricking thin. I should know because before that MRT fiasco, I’d been smoozing in front of the mirror pretending to be Liz Tyler with all her gold parts, I mean, Cards. I’d popped L6 into my back pocket (and sexily drew it back out and slowly pushed it in again and…..) and promptly forgotten about it.

It was so skinny, I didn’t feel the stretch of my too-tight jeans.

If it was thicker, that growing island of my belongings on the MRT floor will have served a genuine purpose.

Another Thing! And this should wake up your idea even more! Your emaciated design of L6 made me drop it from 6 storeys high! SIX!

The fricking (ran out of eggs) garden was so fricking BIG downstairs but the phone crashed onto the tinny concrete gutter running along one side anyways. I am fairly sure it was because my L6 ‘fluttered’ on the way down. I blame it entirely on its aerodynamic design and light weight. Surely the wind caught it and whisked it right over the dirty drain. Your fault!

It split into THREE, man! Split into THREE!!! It bounced three times, THREE! First bounce and I saw, from way up, the back cover fell from the main body, 2nd bounce and the battery fell off, 3rd bounce and my swaroski phone accessory smashed. Smashed to BITS!

My heart still bleeds at the sodding memory...

I tell you, I’ve never ran down 6 storeys so sodding fast before. Never have I suffered a near-cardiac experience in the same series of leaps as each bounce my phone made before. In fact, never have I waded through a gutter trying to fish out phone pieces before.

And Why, oh WHY did the phone have to suffer that kamikaze drop in the first place? Eh? Eh?

Because! Of! YOU!

Yes, you.

I’ll tell you why.

I walked through a rail-less parapet with my magazine held on its spine.

You made it (L6 lah!) so skinny, I used it as a bookmark.

It was so skinny, it didn’t even dent my CLEO magazine.

So I thought it was in my back pocket this time.

Hence I swung my mag without a care.


The fact that I was able to revive my phone is not a consolation. That its metal-enforced casing hardly got scratched was not the issue, it could be titanium-enforced for all I care. That the scratchproof big screen remained flawlessly smooth was not the point.

The point is:

If it was thicker and uglier, I’ll not have been so affected as to write this complaint letter.

But since it was frankly the most Chio-est piece of metal-talking-implement I've ever own for a miserly $8 and a 2 year bondage, if not in my entire Life, I almost required an MC just to recover from shock.

Incidentally, if you want my slightly-ruched-but-still-mint-conditoned phone as a genuine crash-test-dummy proof of durability and moi as spokeswoman for any advertising purpose, I shall have to warn you I don’t come cheap.

Oh yes, my warranty is 20 days late, you’d better approve it.

Yours in aggravation,
Ang KuKueh

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Shuffle shuffle Meme :)

Hi all!!

Muahahahha….so apt till it’s a bit scary. Here’s my meme from jaywalk. Because you asked, I shall do it!!!

And yah, I did not cheat hor, so hor, kena shock when I saw the answers. Come on lah, I got 150+ songs ranging from instrumental to punk rock, Gypsy Kings to Linkin Park inside the player and still the answers came out like everything predestined like that.… hmmmm……….

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see me?
Put your head on my shoulder-dunno.

Wahlau, first song and its one I’ve never heard for years since I always chose the other folders to play. I guess this means I’m pretty much a rock that everyone can depend on, solid solid like the deposits of fats I have around me thunder thighs……..

Will I have a happy life?
Xiang xin wu xian!!! -JJ Lin

Muhahahaha….fantastic answer! In case you don’t know, it means ‘Believe no end’ in direct translation. Song by JJ Lin about have boundless hope for Life and the future. Cool!

What do my friends really think of me?
Left my heart in San Francisco-WestLife.

Hmmmm…..I dunno, I never really like the US nor have thoughts of visiting it. Perhaps my friends think I super-blur, like xin bu zhai yen like that, talk to me I never hear one. So heart not here but somwhere else....

Do people secretly lust after me?
Burn-forgot who sang it.

Fwah! This song is one of my favourite, about this guy who cannot keep this girl out of his mind, whenever he sings the word 'burn', he turns on his falsetto voice, machiam like he suddenly got kicked in the balls and become eunuch, or he is having a very huge hard reaction to the thought…ahem.....

Hur hur….u all lust after me ah? Kam siah kam siah! I know u denying lah, no worries, I understand….secret mah secret…..

How can I make myself happy?
For once in my life-Frank Sinatra.

I think this song deserves some history. It’s the song I reserve for my hubs, I gave him this song burnt in CD during the ROM (yes yes, in exchange for the diamond ring, hurhurhur…). So I guess this song just says that I am happy because 'for once in my life, I've got someone who needs me, someone I needed so long. For once, unafraid, i can go where Life leads and somehow i know I'll be strong.'

What should I do with my life?
Walk on the wild side-Dave’s True Story.

Well, what do you know?! Goodness, has my life been previously so staid and boring? Hmmm…ok, I just answered my own question…

Will I ever have children?
poison-madison garden.
Wahlau……I poison or they poison?

What is some good advice for me?
Kiss from a fool-george Michael.
Eh? Maybe I shall sneak into a 6-yr old's Ronald McDonald party and force RM to peck me on the cheek to ling wu some sort of Cosmic Truth on the Meaning of Life....

How will I be remembered?
I’m so repentant-Dave’s true Story.

Choujidan, machiam like cursing me like that. Must be in the future I’ll commit some super big crime and end up having to suffer guilt the rest of my life…

Oh wait, it could be just about that chocolate muffin I scoffed just now.

What is my signature dancing song?
Let there be love-Nat king Cole.

Weeee!!! I’d gladly dance to this song. In case you don’t know, Nat is singing ‘let there be birds singing in the trees, someone to bless me whenever I sneeze, let there be Coo-Coos, a lark and a dove, but first of all, pls, let there be love.’ Essentially the take that Love makes you see the things you often miss! ya ya, another one of those boundless heaps of hope for Love and happiness songs....yea...*sniff*

What do I think my current theme song is?
love in the first degree-bananaramamama
(ya ya, I know how to spell. I just dunno when to stop.).

Goodness, the whole entry is starting to turn mushy.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
shake it off-Mariah carey.

Confirm talking about those fat deposits....and the muffins.....

What song will play at my funeral?
if you ever fall in love again- dunno.

Good choice. If I ever left this big beautiful earth, pls let those who love me not grieve. Find someone else and make sure he/she loves you as much as I did.

What type of men/women do I like?
Real Thing-Lisa stansfield.

Because I am also Real.

What is my day going to be like?
All Woman-lisa stansfield.

Wah lau! Speechless! I’m meeting my close-knit clique of gal friends tonite!'s been fun while it lasts!

here's the meme to:

nadnut (cos i know u have lotsa songs)
and Wally.
And to all who want to do it also. It can be quite eye-opening!!!
In the midst of writing Story of D, which is turning out harder than I ever thought it could be,

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Buzzing like a Bee!!!!

Hi all!

Wah lau! Kachuaz comments really killed me siah, sorry sorry, I have been MIA for so fricking long that Ollie has had a dream about me blogging an entry, sheesh. Just to say that I’m in the midst of a transition, hence there are a million and one things I had to do and by the time I manage to hit Sunday in 1 piece, I’m too tired to on the fricking lappy (oh no! I wasn’t scolding you, Lappy, although you’ve been giving me a bit of a trouble as well…ahem..) and type as much as I’ve typed all those fricking days in the office.

Just a very short note to tell you all that

1) I am not involved in the 4 car pile-up along the CTE,

2) neither was I part of the 10-strong so-called ‘cynical’ youth generation sent to interrogate our darling MM LKY (who pretty much grilled them on the barbie in his fuss-free and chockfull-of-needles fashion that I love so much). Sorry, ppl, I’m pretty much a PAP supporter and I like LKY, I cannot see why there should be cynism among the young. Pls go look at our ne1hgbours and their corrupted gov’t, then come back and tell me my PAP hasn’t done a fricking good job putting us on the world map, ok?

3)I was also not involved with the collapse of the KL-causeway plans and

4) although I watched Miss Singapore Universe, managed to survive it, albeit with a heaving and cramped up tummy. (Da nai ma!!! Da Nai Ma!!!! Wahahhaha...!!!) If I may quote one of the contestants on whether local men or foreign men are more attractive----- 'I prefer local men. I've had many ex-boyfriends and they were all local. Some are plump and some didn't have the height and some didn't have very well-defined bodies.....but I LOVE THEM ALLL!!!'

In short, I am fine and healthy and kicking. I have not been utterly idle though (like chwee kueh), because as of now, Story of D, vol 2 is in the making.

JayWalk can vouch big time that I am so busy, I can’t even be found on MSN, geez!!!! I’m not idling and I’m not dead!

I also have not visited my very own blog until today, haiz, almost got heart attack when the page refuses to load…..Lappy, you’ve GOT to buck up!!!

Sorry to all whom I’ve not been catching up, haiz….

All for now.