Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Chronicles of A....vol 3 : The day of tears……

Hi all!

I have been remiss in my duties. The barrage of festivities have made me extremely busy, but I ain’t complaining. For once in my life, I can honestly say that I’m actually playing more than I’m working/studying.

Now I’m writing this entry in the comforts of my own home, watching TV and enjoying a wireless connection. I’m so freaking lucky. The day is sunny, windy and I’m on leave! The day cannot go better.

But as usual, I digress. Much have happened and much as I would like to blog about them all, I couldn’t. I wanted to express my happiness and joy meeting the many friends during the last 2 weeks. Thanks goes out to J, Nad, Deek, Vanna, Jaschoc, Meepok, Hitomi, Kelawar. I also had the pleasure of my dear friends who came over to my place, our traditional X’mas celebrations have come a long way, guys! Over and over, I hope it never ends….

On the other hand, something did end. The topic of today’s blog involved somebody I loved, whom I didn’t know I loved till the last moment. Sure I knew I liked him, I’m sure I knew I would like to spend an inordinate amount of time by his side.

But dun tell me about Love. Love is overrated. Love doesn’t put food on the table, nor does it prevent 2 otherwise loving people from quarrelling and hurting each other. Love is infatuation, puppy love, a feeling that never comes when u wish for it and always refuses to go when you are dying from it.

Melodramatic ay? Yup, pls tell that to the Qiong-yao serial readers. The last time what I tot I felt was love was actually only a crush.


Oh well…..

In any case, I shall try to be as honest as I can be here under the circumstances.

to say: A and I had a disagreement, we had a quarrel. It was small enough to be trivial but big enough to be destructive.

to say: I cried. It’s not something I’m proud of. Other than reading lomance and watching lomantic movies, I hardly ever let tears fall, being usually too sensible to risk blinding my eyes with gallons of salt and having my nose stuck 10 miles long with wet tissues.

But when I cry, I bawl. Yeah, I can do the kung-fu equivalent of the Ru-Lai-Fuo-Zhang (Buddha's Palm). There is nothing delicate about me when I tear up. It’s all salt, water, mucus and a one-half box of Kleenex’s finest 3-ply.

Which was why A was so utterly bewildered and horrified. His little dirty-minded, nonya confectionery was turning extra gooey and runny, something he’d not witnessed before. His past gfs were the softly-tearing shu-nu sort. I should know, I knew them personally and have actually been witness to their delicately wet eyelashes. They cry like pageant queens and lousy beautiful actresses. They always end up looking more ethereal in the aftermath, proving once again that I shall never find out why in hell A sees in me, other than the fact that I’m not suicidal and light doesn’t project out the left side when u shine a torch into my right ear.

I swear he must have trying to find out the same thing that day too.

In any case, the quarrel ended with sorrys exchanged but needless to say, it was unresolved. I went to work with swollen eyes and feeling all out of sorts. Getting distracted at work only made me more cranky and unhappy….I even teared up again in my dad’s car and made him extra nervous with the taxis.

It was a thoroughly bad day for me, is the 21st of December.

So when the gauntlet came, it was totally unexpected. I was home alone and watching TV when A came over in the evening.

‘We need to talk.’ He said.

Oh no. My heart shrunk a bit, I think, judging by that squeezing tightness of my chest.

‘Dear’ He sighed. ‘I really do appreciate the time we have together, our friendship. Everything about us, it was wonderful. I never felt so comfortable with anyone before.'

I stared at him blankly through my panda eyes. He thinks I’m stupid. I used these same words on my ex-BF when I dumped him too. Almost word for word.

But, I thought, you'd say 'but'. There’s always a ‘but’.

‘But.’ There it is. Ha. Now, he thinks I’m an idiot. Oldest trick in the book, boy, to spring your surprise after worthless statements of hope. My eyes narrowed.

But,’ he continued gravely. ‘It’s not enough for me.’

This is Karma, surely! Kuan Yin is punishing me by using cruel irony. The speech might have been scripted by me 5 years ago….Salvage it, you fool! Take control of the conversation. I force open my pinched mouth, all contrite and afraid.

‘Look. If this is about yesterday, I said I was sorry. It’s not a big deal. Couples quarrel, that always happens. You can’t expect everything to always turn out sparkly and spanking clean.’

His eyes glazed. But I put my palms on the side of his face for emphasis and forced him to stare at me.

‘Nothing’s perfect. We aren’t perfect for each other. Nobody is. We have to work at it. Together. Isn’t that what we wanted? Isn’t that why we are together? What else do you need?’

A shifted uncomfortably and my heart, just now shrunken like a cherry pit, now dropped like a thousand pound dumbbell. He’s not listening nor responding.

I dropped my hands. I mused that I can hear the security locks tightening around my heart for an eventual rejection. It’s another re-run 5 years hence. Like a connoisseur, I recognized the signs and appreciated the moment, the body’s self-defense kicks in, poised for bad news.

I shall not be made to feel unwanted again. I’m strong. Of cos I can take it, I’m not born a shrinking violet. So there.

But the tears. Like brats, they run away from the whip of my eyelids. I couldn’t stop them. Idiot, I scold myself, when I see him back up again at my reaction. Where’s the iron girl he's always admired?

He left the sofa and I watched him go to the side table where he always puts his valuables. He’s going to leave. He's going totake his things and walk out.

Then he turned back and he held in his hands, a box of tissue and a package. Slowly, reverently, he pulled out a piece and passed them over my brimming eyes.

‘Don’t cry. I hate to see you cry.’ Which only made me cry all the more. Pathethic, sniveling flop that I am. He cannot see, but I love him to Bits. I didn't know last time but I knew it that instant. I do. Love him. And he says it's not enough.

‘Then don’t watch lah. Go. Leave.’ What bravado. I am amazed at myself.

He looked back curiously.

‘Leave? Why should I leave? And for that matter, why are you crying?’

I flared up like a smashed Molotof Cocktail.

Because! You think it’s not enough, we’re not enough, it’s not good enough! You want more! Don’t have to say it! I know it! You want out. That’s why! So go!’

To my horror, I started hiccupping again. I put my burning wet face into my hands.

‘Just go lah. Leave me in peace.’

He sighed. And retaliated.

‘Sometimes you are just so drama. You think you’re sensible and practical, but you aren’t. You sing like Elmo, then sometimes you sing like a Pro. You even cry like a water-hose. Half the time, I don’t even understand what’s going on inside your little head.’

He took my hand and slowly force open my wet palm and placed a round velvet ball in my hand.

‘I don’t know what you are trying to achieve by coming all teary over me. If it was about yesterday, it’s already over. Didn’t we say sorry together?’

I fingered the red velvet unconsciously while he continued scolding. I realized what had started out as a sigh from him was actually an enormous temper threatening to erupt.

‘It wasn’t enough. Of cos it wasn’t enough. We are damn good friends for longer than 5 years, don’t you know me or who I am? Think, will you?! Think!

There was more to the outburst but I wasn’t listening.

I was staring at the red hard ball in my hand.

It had hinges.

My eyes grew wide.

Then just as fast as he started the tirade, he stopped and plucked the ball from my fingers and with the other arm, he wound it around me to bring me right up against him on the sofa. Then as fast as his temper came, it went swiftly and was replaced with a slow smile. He gave a quick hug and said, ‘No matter. That is over and done with. In fact, I have a surprise for you.’

And he opened it.

‘Funny how you actually said ‘sparkly’ just now. I thought you already knew.’

Nestled in the white cushions was a ‘sparkly’ starburst. I was struck speechless.

‘Now, I know we just quarreled yesterday but it’s a trivial thing. We’re good friends, dear, we always find a way to work it out. As for this, I went and got it today for Christmas, but once I had it, I couldn’t wait...... Oy. Hello?....Oy!’

He headbutted me to get my attention.

Dumbly, I looked up from the ring. It was all too bewildering. One minute I thought it’s over, the next….

‘Will you marry me?’

'I....we.....' I was incoherent. My mind, being geared for a painful withdrawal, wasn't prepared for a sudden 180 turnabout.

Then what should happen but that the faucet started turning again

A did another double-take when I grabbed his shirt to my face and wailed mercilessly into his polo-tee.

‘Wah lau! Don’t you ever stop crying? Damn, where’s the tissue?’

And amid his frantic rush for a 3-ply Kleenex, I gave the most fearsome bawl I’ve ever had onto his chest. Ring all but forgotten on the coffee table.

It was a weirdest feeling. The sensation of crying due to sheer joy.

Yes. I’ll marry you.

Yes. I love you.

Thank you. For loving me back.

Thank you. For everything.


AKK:) *no more tears*

Monday, December 19, 2005

Alcohol made me do it...

Hi all,

I just recovered from a party..... There was a game to change the lyrics of "let it snow" in 10min flat.... Towards the end, I discovered that everyone else's lyrics are of angels, well-wishes and lovely snow.

I almost managed to wrestle away my entry from the 'emcee', but he was brawny and has hams for fingers. Even then he had to physically pry my fingers away from that piece of paper while tickling me.

Since I have no face left, (never did have any), I've posted my entry here.


The weather outside is frightful
But the heater is not that helpful
Since we’ve got no place to go
Off the tops, and the pants, give a show!

The alcohol’s running freely
And the guests are acting funny
The lights are turned way down low
Off with it and show me your pole!

We were a bit rough with the cuffs
So the policemen came that night
Some idiot has swallowed the key
So now I’m chained to the tree!

Oh! Photoshop can’t make me look like Shu-Qi
So send back the Paparazzi
What’s left now's the bloody tree
And millions of porn pics of me!

....The alcohol made me do it....

Merry X'mas!!!


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Dark Chocolate Rendezvous: Senses meme No. 3-Taste

Hi all!

Have I got fodder for the senses meme on ‘taste’! Actually I almost almost! did not remember this incident, since it has been buried in the deepest darkest recesses of the mind. It’s with regards to my first bf (ex), the lawyer (now), the child (then) and first Crush (been-there-done-that).

It’s not something that I like to recall, esp since I’m attached again, but hey, that’s Life lah. All sour and sweet, happy and sad.

It’s the chocolates that reminded me. I was doing some light grocery shopping. My basket was filled with useless carbo-laden, trans-fat-saturated, artificially seasoned nachos; pork-floss rolls and bak-kwa by the kg and the sinful ‘Nuts about NUTS!’ choco-peanut-butter ice-cream which I regard with utmost respect as ‘the hoarse-whisperer’ ….*salute*

Yup….very light shopping, only 3 items.

Then I came upon the chocolate aisle and saw this:

The heaven called Dove Dark Chocolate

Dove’s bitter chocolate.

And the memories came flooding back.

It was the time when my ex-bf has had a broken leg and was locked at home day and night. It was my 2nd yr in Uni and I was visiting him in the midst of my exams, being nanny to his needs, although he had a maid and a part-timer Mum that cooks his meals. Oh yes, the self-martyrdom was on at ‘high’ during that time.

It was one of those nights where we were both alone in the living room watching ‘Being John Malkovich’ on VCD, when he hobbled to the fridge and got out this pack of Dove chocolates.

He gave me a square and I took it. That square of heaven started warming up and slowly melted along the sides of my mouth and tongue.

While I know it’s a myth that chocolates can make girls happy, I was in utter agreement. Suddenly, my whole body relaxed after a hard day’s studying. My brain calmed down from watching the flashing TV.

My heartbeat slowed. My eyes closed. I swallowed the liquid chocolate, leaving a soft gooey sliver in my mouth.

And then….I opened my eyes to him bending over me.

There was another square of heaven between his lips.

We *CENSORED*CENSORED*. It was absolutely *CENSORED*CENSORED*, the feel of his *CENSORED*CENSORED* made my *CENSORED* tingle in extreme *CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*. The taste of his lips on my *CENSORED* as he *CENSORED*CENSORED* was so graftifyingly *CENSORED*CENSORED* that I immediately *CENSORED* in *CENSORED*. We took another chocolate square and *CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED*CENSORED!!!!*.

Sigh… I have never seen Dove chocolates the same way since…. it was, in fact, an absolute perfect moment in the sea of sad nostalgia.

Too bad about the PG rating though….




An aside: Heaven does not come and stay, it just visits as a series of jolts between depression and/or mediocrity. May my Life always be as such, rather than an endless length of sterile peace and calm.
Oh yah...just to burst your bubble, we only kissed....heheheh...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Dark Tai Yang Shen--- sense meme no. 2 -Sight

Long Blog Entry ALERT!!!
You have been sufficiently warned...proceed with caution. Author not responsible for boredom, dry eyes or dilated pupils....

Hi all!

Actually, I intended to split the story into 2 parts....but hell, i couldn't decided if splitting it up when i already wrote it was a good idea or not, so I just plunged the whole thingy down. When I say long hor...haiz....it took a week just to get all the memory down. Enjoy (or not). Ahem.:)


I spent the better part of the morning one day reading the comments to 'Letter to My Tih-Kong' and ended up almost scolding everyone I know an egg becos they all pleaded guilty to asking for rain. Then I read jay’s comment....

Jay "Peek -a-Boo" Walk said...
I remembered last time you told me got this foreign worker climbed to your window grill and peeped into your room.

Maybe that was the Tai Yang Sen but you drove him away. Hence the gloomy mornings. :P

No prizes for guessing Jay is now top in my list for ‘Jidans- Re weather.’ Then Zhebin caught a whiff and wanted to know...

Zhe Bin said...
How come that foreign worker can 'climb' until your window grille one?!

Good question. Which is basically my whole train of thought that right now I should be writing another sense meme on ‘sight’.

This takes me back to my 3rd year of Uni. And of cos, a digression here on some things that you should know before I continue:

a. I was a nerd. Yup and still am. I’m proud to say that I can outread anyone, provided the prints are big enough and pictures are colourful. I am also one of the hateful KS students who always never ask questions during lesson, but will hang around and prevent the lecturer from having an early lunch. I’d go so far as to say I even sent emails full of questions to my professors to plague their weekend golf. Most of the time I wonder why they were so hard to find when I needed them and yet, they always seem to be surreptitiously standing behind pillars and potted plants wherever I go.

b. The length of my bed spanned my window. When I say I love the sun, I was worshipping its presence. I painted my room yellow because bright sunny colours inevitably makes me happy (scientifically, it also made pple eat more, which explains some things about me at least…). My bed was high enough to place me on the same level as my window. So when the morning sun rides in, my whole body is lighted ablaze in heat and I literally get baked awake. If you can’t imagine, then think about Snow White’s Glass Casket….That would be how I look like from the window…..

er….minus the 7 dwarves, minus the chio-ness and minus the Prince Charming…..although, even if Prince Charming had been there, he'd probably run away screaming. And the Dwarves welcome me as their brothers...

c. My bedroom is on the second floor. I live in a Goode Olde 5-rm Mansionette. I must reinforce this point so u guys can understand that I wasn’t intentionally trying to give anyone a show or grope by sleeping sooooo close to the window. Anyone just had to poke their fingers…poke only! And u would have touched me.

But you’ll either have to be 4m tall. Have 3m long arms. Or 2m long fingers. You choose.

d. I wasn’t anything to look at. Which made this peeping-Tom incident so utterly bewildering to me. Want to break the law? Should do it with more finesse, style and above all, good taste mah! Regardless the punishment shall be the same anyway, so just pick a good sultry, nubile target lah! Haiyah! Even I myself think it’s so wasted!

It all started close to the end of the semester. Not only am I a chao-kuan KS student, I’m also a 1st-class chao-mugger. 1st class not meaning that I score well. The essence of mugging, as this model chao mugger shall tell you now, is not reflected in the grades.

No, the essence of mugging is in spending the huge fricking amount of time to study one choujibloodydan module, night and day, no skiving, no resting and still end up with choujibloodydan results like the next guy who spent that same fricking amount of time playing soccer….

I have honed this mugger attitude right down to its very existence, its very being!Find me anyone who can mug like I do and still score like I did and I shall embrace him/her as my equal….

OK, back to 3rd year. The finals were fast approaching so I was executing the fine art of Chao-mugger-ness late into the night for the past few days.

I’m sure you all have heard and tried this style before, but I bet you guys don’t know its name. For shame! It is the 1-Ton-Textbook-on-Bed-Soft-Like-Lotus-Petals Technique. This ancient technique is practised by every able-bodied mugger, but beware! Practise it too much and it shall ruin your Life! Because most often than not, practitioners of this style become highly addicted to it and slowly lose their focus (tak-chekiness).

In fact, many who tried too much and too hard, have fallen to the dark side (or-or-koon) because they are not skilled enough to handle its mesmeric power. Many highest level Chao Muggers have fallen in its trap, dreaming that they are studying in their sleep.

All along, I’ve been studying in school (1-Ton-Textbook-on-Hard-Bench-Like-Nails). So the introduction of the new Mug-Fu gave my aching body a much needed reprieve. But as you can guess, being a novice of this new dlang, I started going home earlier and earlier. My textbooks and notes begin a revolution on my bed. I wake up suddenly at curious hours in the night with the light on, with no recollection of having studied and yet, my face adorned with backward print. Yes, I was going the sieh-tao.

One fine night, I was alone and about to execute it again the door bell rang. A strange uncle with long straggly hair, singlet and shorts, greeted me beyond my grilles.

He spake thusly, ‘Someone’s watching you.’

And I said, ‘Who?

And he said, ‘I dunno.’

I was about to ram my big wooden door on his fingers and run screaming for the phone when he blurted out.

‘He looks at you when you sleep. From the window, he looks at you.’

My hand released itself from the door and calmly amid rising gore, I said,

‘Uncle, tell me all.’

And he told me.

For the past few nights that I have been practising 1-TTOBLSLP, someone had been climbing the water-pipes to the second floor of my home and peeped in on me. Mr Ravi stayed at an opposite block level with mine and had been catching Late-Night Soccer on his TV which was placed under his window. So for the past 3 nights, he had seen this black shadow standing on the small parapet outside my corridor.

I was scared out of my wits.

‘Uncle, did you see what he did?’

‘Yes, he did nothing, just look. Hands on the grille.’

‘How long?’

’10 minutes.’

I was aghast.

‘Uncle, why you never call Police?’

Mr Ravi shrugged.

‘I thought he your secret boyfriend. Like Romeo and Juliet.’

I felt faint.....

‘Then why now you telling me?’

‘Because yesterday, he climbed up another window after he climbed yours.’

Good Grief…..

To make matters somehow worse, I went upstairs to check on my belongings and truly, as Mr Ravi said, he did not take anything, even my HP, which was held in a hanging basket right beside the window in plain view. When I unlock the grille and stepped out to check the water-pipe, I found blackened footprints all over it….

Why didn’t anyone see it? I was feeling real scared by then….

Our block has an Official Peeping Tom. Who had nothing to do and was peeping at me! ME!!! Why is he still walking the Earth? Why is he still alive?! At the very least, how come he's not blind yet?!

So the police were called, and Mr Ravi puffed up his chest Big-big to tell the police everything he knew and saw, then had to be put under Suspicion and Interrogated because the police was wondering why he did not make a report earlier. By then, I was thinking really hard the past few night wondering if I had been groped, molested or stroked anywhere across my body. No leh, I tell myself, but I was dead to the world siah, like how to know?

I was acting slightly hysterical liao, so I was following a hansem policeman around, asking him to take his notes properly, tried to do the policing for him, correcting his spelling etc. and showing him the prints left along the parapet.

‘Sir, look at them, they are quite small, so he must be quite short.’

*scribble scribble* ‘OK.’

‘Erm, is that all you are going to do?’

*looks at me* ‘Yes?’

‘Well?! That's it? Aren’t you going to do something about it?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like, u know, brush it and lift it? Make a copy of it??’

‘No, Ma’am. We don’t do that.’

‘Why not? Then u can match it to the criminal wat!’

‘Because Ma’am, we only have a database for fingerprints, not footprints.’ I see his mouth twitching already. He must be imagining the process of asking those hard-living criminals to step on a wad of ink, then stomp over a canvas like Hollywood stars.

In the midst of the interview, Mr Incompetent asked,

‘Mr Ravi said the guy peeped in at 2am in the morning. He also mentioned that your night-light was on.’

‘Yes, Sir.’

‘So what were you doing at that point in time?’

‘I was streaking for him studying on the bed….ahem.’

*perplexed* ‘And u did not see him?’

‘erm…mostly I was sleeping….’

‘but your light is on?’

I looked him at fully in the face, obviously Mr Incompetent-but-Hansem is not a Chao Mugger versed in the art of the 1-Ton-Textbook-on-Bed-Soft-Like-Lotus-Petals.

‘Sir, I tried to study in bed with my light on, but I fell asleep instead.’

‘And you were wearing?’

I closed my eyes. ‘Nothing My textbooks My pyjamas.’



Mr Incompetent-but-oh-so-Hansem screwed his face and tried to imagine why anybody might be interested to climb up a water pipe just to peep in on someone covered from head-to-toe in breathable cotton, lying facedown on a tome with her hands by her sides, with her face and all her interesting bits hidden between her whale-like back and the bed for 3 consecutive days….

The dead have been known to look more alive and naked with better poses.

At the end of the interview, my parents have arrived home and were sincerely concerned. Mr Ravi puffed up his chest again to recount the tale of the shadow-man and his not-so-involved involvement in it.

That very same night, the police laid an ambush for the Shadow-Monkey. But we didn’t care about the police anymore. You see, our own family had a plan. Obviously the guy who peeped on me doesn’t have much taste in women. So we decided that Dad should sleep in my bed that night. To the worker’s thinking (and mine), it might even be an improvement in aesthetics.

And if he were to peep in again, Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Dragon-Pah shall be ready to take out his eye(!) through our window grill with one of our bamboo pole whose previous role was to sun clothes. This will upset the guy’s precarious balance and hopefully, if my dad pokes him hard enough and far enough (said pole is 2m long), not only will he fall off the second floor of my home, he’ll fall right off the parapet and thus off the entire HDB flat.

It was a cruel trick, I admit, but the whole thing had turned into a Comedy version of Crime-Watch and I wasn’t about to let my dad run away from his daughter-protecting duties. In any case, it was terribly amusing to see my big beefy Dad snuggle under my own covers pretending to be me. We even got him a pair of pyjamas that looked like mine.

Oh, oh, and of cos it was also a cruel trick to want to push the criminal down 8 storeys of thin air. It's gonna really hurt. *cough* BTW, it was pink…my PJs....

It was all terribly exciting. I couldn’t sleep that night because dad was snoring too loudly. My mum and I had fashioned a rough weapon from tying the screwdriver to a short pole, which I slept with at-the-ready leaning against the wall machiam like a soldier. Suddenly we hear a slight scruffling sound and my heart leaped into my throat. I was ready with my screwdriver at the window, prepared to plunge it through no matter who was on the other side. My blurry Dad was having difficulty poking his own pole through cos it was too long.

And then there was a big shout, ‘There! There! He went there!’ It was Mr Ravi, keeping a virgil from the opposite block, with his own arm out frantically waving at the direction of the fleeing peeping Tom. There was a huge burst of sirens from the carpark downstairs and a lot of shouting as plain clothes policemen sprung from both ends of the flat to bear down on the tasteless Pai-lang.

We watched from the window as a skinny Indian man was handcuffed and dragged into 1 of 3 police cars downstairs. The sirens then blared just once and drove away. It was all over in 10 minutes flat.

I have since moved my bed away from the window and added a double-lock and curtains. I never saw Mr Not-that-Incompetent-but-still-very-Hansem anymore. On the other hand, I often see Mr Ravi peering into my room from his whenever the curtains aren't down and waving cheerfully whenever he sees me.

I have a different sort of Peeping Tom now...


AKK :)

The Chronicles of Z ....Vol. 2

I was MSN with Z recently and I experienced a Matrix-moment again. First was when I was at NDP and everything went slow-mo.....

This time .......oh well......just read on.


AKK: hahhaah...i was reading about the female version of F4...

Z: got female version?

AKK: http://emiriyoshikawa.blogspot.com/2005/11/new-f4-girls-amy-tiffany-stacy-fanny.html#links . they don't sing at all... they just have big boobs...

Z: oh... later then i read lah... office how to read?

AKK: muahahaha....scared simi?....hehehe

Z: iShy

AKK: *gag*

Z: tmd.....

AKK: wah....shy still can swear.....

Z: i tmd shy ....

AKK: and i belong to a monastery....

Z: tmd...... -_-"......grrrr......

AKK: hahahahaa.....so cute so cute....

Z: who?

AKK: u lah! haiyah...

Z: bor lah...... *blush*....

AKK: Good grief...here we go again...

Z: iShy

AKK: *gag*

Z: tmd.....

AKK: wah....shy still can swear.....

Z: i tmd shy ....

AKK: and i belong to a monastery....

Z: tmd...... -_-"......grrrr......


...a Matrix-glitch-cum-Groundhog-day-cum-Buttefly-effect Moment....

Round and round and round it goes.... Posted by Picasa

Friday, November 25, 2005

Letter to My Tih-Kong---sense meme no. 1- Feel/Touch

(short post to Barney and Li-er's meme on the 5 senses to me...read and you shall know I'm ranting and talking much about nothing....still very busy now, will be more diligent in the near future...haiz...drowning drowning!!)

Hi all!

If I keep this up, I shall lose my coverted title of Madam Long-Windedness soon. Meaning this is again another short post. Meaning that I'm still in the Red and struggling to earn enuff money to spend them all. Meaning that i'm underpaid but am truly appreciated as a highly efficient employee (Hah!). Meaning also that I'm doing Sai-Kang (Chuikueh don't learn!) for not just Prof XXX and YYY, but also from AAA to ZZZ.

In short, meaning I'm working my orange-peel ass off down here trying to cover a lot other pinched, wrinkly, taut (haha...don't think so), pink, scarred, cellulite, smooth, moisturized etc asses.

Ahem...not that I've SEEN their asses...but they have asses nevertheless.

But since my own jobscope actually contains the Mountain and Sea Coverage Clause -no. 1296- employee to pao suah, pao hai when duty calls, notwithstanding hail, sleet, fire, nuclear war, terrorism or any other known forms of natural disasters - So I cannot comprain bitterly....

I can only comprain.

Anyways, i digress....

(Hmmm....i guess I won't be losing my title after all....)

Let's talk about the weather.

Yup, that small-talk topic. I not only wanna talk about it, I wanna comprain about it! In fact, I wanna blast my dissatisfaction all the way up to my Tih-Kong. In case u guys don't know, although I'm Buddhist to my Kuan-Yin, I'm also half-taoist. I've got a lot of dieties passed down from my late great-granny, who actually doesn't eat beef and is vegetarian on some days.


Another aside: (Haiz! I tot it would be a short entry!)--I think you can tell from here that i generally have a pretty heck-care attitude to observing the proprieties of my religion/teachings but before anyone comprains hor---

Yes i eat Beef! I Love Beef! and I also eat Veggies! I Love Broccoli!

But I never, will never ever! substitute my Broccoli for my Beef and pretend my Broccoli is Beef!

And in fact, if i ever eat mock meat to substitute real Red Blood Cells and Muscle tissues, it's because that vegetarian stall had the shortest Q.

I also consider that once ppl have discovered the secret to make tofu taste like real steak, Doomsday is ard the corner! U hear?! Got comprain?! Lai ah! I fight!


Back to the weather report....

Address- The West Sky, 20,000 feet and beyond.

Dear Tih-Kong,

Hi and How are you, Sir?

Everyday I wake up at 6.30am...to shut off my alarm becos the sky is still dark....then go back to sleep. Then I wake up again at 7.30am to pulverise the said clock because it's still too dark to find my glasses and the hammer was closer. By 8am, I woke up because of guilt that I scratched my hammerhead, and found out that i'm already very late for work...

but Sir, why is the sky still so Orh-Lu-Lu?! I had forsaken my clock to be awaken by the glory of sunshine flooding my bedroom. I position my bed to face the window so that Tai-yang-sen can come toast my feet by 7am to really Really wake me up. But now, everytime i open my eyes, it's all so dark and rainy and grey!

My poor cracked toes shiver in the cold....

Now everytime I go to work, I feel as grey and black as the sky, it's all so depressing. Somemore I got slight night-blindness, so I've been banging pillars again, Tih-Kong, and it hurts.

Pls Tih-Kong, ask Tai-yang-sen to come grill my willies again leh. Bring him to task for not doing his job properly. I really need the sun. My skin now so pale, and I'm under-nourished in the Vitamin D department. even smiling now also zaps my energy...I know i got high fat content, Sir, but I really rather sweat.

It's making my colleagues snort to see me jiggle shiver. They use to give me a 10m radius for the smell but now they think I'm hiding a U-Zap under my blouse and have been making snide remarks to me at a distance of 3m....

They are getting too close for comfort....

Really very sorry to bother you with such a trivial matter, but really leh, so heng December got Christmas hor, but all the Lights in Orchard shall not be warmer or hotter than Tai-Yang-Sen's gaze on me...

Thank you for your time and patience. I shall look forward to waking up with tanned feet again.

Yours shiveringly,


What crap i write....oh well, till next time!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

For a Good Cause

Hi all!

If you are like me, then you'll be quite utterly clueless about this 'Run For Funds' ding-dingerty. Jaywalk first told me about this RunForFunds a few months back. And it was only quite recently that I went to the website again, both the old and new one. I thought Adrian's 'humble' start was quite hilarious, hence begun my actual start and interest to looking at it more closely. So while I cannot say the same of everyone else, I have the gist of it here. Of cos, pls visit the site for the whole story.

In the Beginning....

Adrian Lee started out as a pudgy schoolkid whose PE teachers found easier to roll along for the compulsory 2.4km run than to let him do it standing up.

Throughout his teens to Uni Life, he tried to zhao jogging in NS whenever he could, did his exercise by head-banging during Uni concerts and sweated a serious amount via toggling his joystick buttons playing video games.

A change in Life happened one fateful day when he went down with bad cramps after lasting 5 min on the soccer pitch. From then on, he made a vow to change his lifestyle forever.

Hence, he started running and has not looked back since. He ran his first 2km without stopping and won an old lady by tripping her at the finish line...then 10km at the London Road Race beating another Old lady....then 21km at the Standard Chartered 1/2 marathon, seriously looking out for any scheming female senior citizens....

He crossed the finish line, crying tears of ...pain.....

Now.....Why not Run For a Cause...?

Adrian has not stopped there. Amid all the feet pounding, friends, families and well-wishers cheered and spurred him on to complete the Singapore Marathon on 7th Dec 2003. A total of $13, 682 was raised for his efforts, which were later used to assist under-priviledged kids in Geylang Community.

And so the Run-For-Funds was born. Adrian now has a bunch of Superfriends whom are training hell-bent to compete with their own mental state come the Next Singapore Marathon on the 4th Dec 2005 for a great cause. This time round, 15+ Superfriends like Adrian shall be running for Funds to aid charitable and educational causes in the Geylang Community.

Excerpt from the RunForFunds:

RFF 2005 Target

No of Superfriends: 15+ (numbers to be finalised as those who are not well prepared are encouraged not to run)

Total distance covered: 350km

Total funds raised: S$40,000

Your contributions this year will go into pocket money and "Maximise your potential" programme in more schools in Singapore. (These programmes have been highly successful in helping the needy).

I'm also hoping to use RFF as a vehicle to fund improvements in the living conditions of the old, sick and destitute, as well as children's homes like Chen Su Lan @ Serangoon Gardens.

So essentially, this entry is all about publicity. Rather like the Virtual Insanity Halloween Party, which is also for a good cause. These Superfriends are training to run as far as they could, since contributions are pledges of money for every kilometer ran. *sweat*

The further, the better, the merrier, but also harder, more daunting and of cos, more painful.

Sadly, RunForFunds is essentially not a registered charitable organisation, hence there is little creditability and little exposure in the public. RunForFunds thus made a point to be absolutely transparent with the contributions.

On the other hand, NKF sure is registered and is now widely exposed for all the wrong things.

So to all and sundry that is reading this entry. If you like what Adrian and his Superfriends are doing and would like to support them this way in their RunForFunds, pls drop an email to adrian@runforfunds.com or visit his website.

Also, a little help does go a long way. If you can, help spread the word on their upcoming event to others so that more ppl can know about Adrian and his Superfriends. :)

To all who have read this far even, I salute you for your kind attention!



Monday, November 21, 2005

The Hunt for Agent J *Edited*

*just for the fun of it and possibly unreadable...Haiz....for more info, pls read Operation Crimsom Cattle and nadnut.liquidblade.com. As Usual, wuo man ban pai....Oh yah, pic to be included as soon as Hello is up....Choujidan...*

Special missive disseminated to all high-power command under the Audit Krimsom Kake Corp:

Dear All,

With deepest and utmost secrecy should this information be rendered among us at the AKK Corp. It has come to our attention that a well-known secret Organisation has been staging a stake-out for one of our most prized possession.

As you know, the purpose of our existence has been driven by the words of our fore-founders, the KuKuehKlan. The emergence of the international language of Communication has since progressed our organisation pass its Dialect Stone-age and out into the current playing field, but our motto shall live in its original entity forever.

Let us all stand and on our beating heart place our strong fist and recite thy motto.

‘Li si simi lang? Pai-lang?! Pai-lang wah hoot! Hia! Hia! Heee-iahh!’

KuKuehKlan has all along been true to it mission as the Guild of Assassins. Since the dawn of time, civilisations have risen and fell via the death of single king or twin-brother princeling.

Do we not remember that the Great War of Yoodelland did not occur because the Eunuch Gnu choked on the fishbone we have planted in his beef casserole and failed to induce the Na├»ve Queen LanFaFa to wage war under his ‘finger’ ministrations in the year of the Leaping Lizard?

Or that the Bone Bridge of a Million Deaths was not built by the insane King Kablahblah because he tripped over a Ripe Banana Skin into His own Tar Pit full of feathers in the year of the Skinless Cat?

Did we not remember that the Month-Long-RedBull-Torture was so professionally and agonisingly carried out to a perfect completion in the Year of the Crowing Chicken?

Did we not remember our most prized possession (OMPP), our Freelance Mercenary, Nado-Nuto-San, is responsible or all these accomplishments?

Our Most Prized Possession (OMPP)

And Yet, OMPP is now in trouble. We have garnered information that OMPP’s greatest weakness has been tested to its limits. A PL has successfully tempted the most accomplished mercenary of our time to detract from her current stint in a Local School XXX to sniff out Racist Bloggers over a cache of HK Redbull slated to arrive in mid Dec.

Yes all, we gasp at the audacity of the PL (Pai-Lang lah!). He has been found to be that particularly atas-flying Secret Agent J who disregards traffic rules, especially the use of overhead bridges. Dear all, this double agent has been in a few atas-flying operations himself, namely the Operation Burgundy Buffalo 1, 2 and apparently now has set his eyes on OMPP for the purpose of extracting blogging materials for the instalment of Operation Crimsom Cattle. This atrocious act has to be stopped before Nado-nuto-san succumbs to his sweet-talking and jaywalking ways and starts to cross roads when the Red Man is On. Also imagine the amount of money spent on her rehab over her Vodka-Redbull addiction Again should she ever put to her lips the temptation of Agent J’s Bull.

…..er….RedBull….typo there…

It is therefore our duty to root out this Traffic Offender from the Land of Recycled Oil for Frying Mee. He is a worthy opponent to have seen through Nado-Nuto-san’s Gingerbread Man disguise.

unrecognisable or what?

Thankfully, the ‘plain’ clothes dept have successfully foiled his attempts to kidnap her by placing a Stunt Double.

Can you spot the stunt double?

Unfortunately, our stunt double is now behind bars because Agent J, in a fit of revenge, force-fed our man with Fisherman’s Friend and made him fail his breathalyzer test at a police checkpoint. Haiz…..

Mid Dec will see our plan set to motion to tail and investigate PL/Traffic Offender/Agent J when he plans to return to Fried Rice Paradise. Our Mole shall be Agent Deek, his personal Friend and Assistant, who has since Gone over to the Liang Jing Jing Side (Ours). Our own men shall recognise him by the Copy of Maxim’s Blogger’s Edition that he carries, which he will pass over to J. Unbeknowst to Agent J (Orh-Lu-Lu Side), the copy has been bugged by none other than our reclusive Great Leader, AKK, founder of the KuKuehKlan and Special Secret Secret Double Double Agent of various organisations. It is rumoured that she has a finger in every pie and somewhere else…….

She has therefore many fingers…..

The mission: Our Reclusive Leader shall emerge from her Tertiary Monastery to consort with Agent J. They shall go lim kopi and RelAKK One Corner, which is AKKSpeak for a Tea Spot in HV or else an Atas Place of Booze and Ear-Splitting Music (we forgot which actually…). She shall stop Agent J from handing the precious stash of Redbull over to Nuto-san, induce him to read the Maxim when he does his Smoking Sandwich (Listerine strip-Menthol-listerine strip). He shall then inhale too much over the lovely bikinis on display and sputter. AKK will then practice our motto using her Million-Finger Power-Hold, take the edition back and collect his saliva for DNA and powder for fingerprint ala CSI.

With his DNA and print code, we shall infiltrate his own Enterprise, take over the world and fill it with steel-enforced Wooden Bedframes and Energiser Bunnies*…. Nado-Nuto-San, our Queen of disguises, has been hard at work training herself to replace Agent J, however, Agent J’s unique tattoo has been impossible to create using normal cosmetics.

Agent J's tattoo....impossible to forge... Due to graphic nature, pic has been resized to calm down crying toddlers...

Nado-nuto-San is still currently stuck in her Cow Suit.

Stuck for the moment...note the hands...

The sensitivity of this missive cannot be reinforced more strongly. Pls Self-destruct upon reading….

If you have not done the above-mentioned…I applaud you for your intelligence.

However, you loyalty to the Organisation has been questioned.

You are now under Deep Suspicion and Investigation.


AKK Corp.

*Euphemism for Hunks….don’t ask….

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Hi all! Time for Commercials!

Hiya hiya!!!

Just a super short nmote to tell you guys I shall be away from blogging for a while. I felt so bad for making you finger-click on my blog for nothing.

very busy with lotsa stuff right now...in fact, almost pleading exhaustion in some cases (but not in the why that i wanted...ahem), anyhow, u guys take good care of yourself!

drink lotsa water and I'm reading you, even if I din comment...haiz...that busy...

C u in perhaps another 1.5-2 weeks!!!


Friday, November 04, 2005

Chui Kueh’s disappearance...

Hi all!

Zhebin made a comment in the last post saying, 'How come Chui Kueh so long never update liao?'

Wally also accused me of the same thing, so I decided to put here a short explanation.

For all those who are not familiar, Chui Kueh has been a new addition to the kueh family of Bloggers since er....Aug? He is fair, usually steamy-looking and is soft to the touch. He also comes with chai por and chilli with additional 20 cents. Very cheap.

Ocassionally he screams in his sleep. The fact that AKK is his own big sis is sufficient explanation for that phenomenone. And also becos he has not been the same since the 15 hearings of the JPB song while sitting strapped tightly to the chair.

Sacrifices have to be made for the Good of All (ie me).

I think it’s been a great while since Chui Kueh had his blog. Funny how his blog only got 3 entries, then he neber update liao? Many have wondered if Chui Kueh

a) Is really really AKK’s lil’ bro
b) Is Ang Ku Kueh’s own Alter Ego
c) Is A figment of your imagination

Actually, Chui Kueh is currently unavailable right now, cos his big sis hacked into his blog when he was out playing basketball and changed his blog password ala-Xx-style.

No really, I changed it since he having his O levels now. It was a prank on my part since he openly asked me for a suitable password that's easy to remember. Not that he minded anyway, he hasn’t been online for a damn long time, not even to update on his own flesh-and-blood sister. He has also taken to sudden disappearances when I needed him to 'vet' my Baby-talk recordings.... He is now mugging in his own little private hell.......

You say: why I so mean? Becos I’ve been in the same bloody hell a few times, but mostly we call it the Study Room.

Like the many many Dieting Reality Shows, I’m forcing him away from the PC all for his own good. A good big Sis has to turn bad sometimes….

So on his behalf, with him over my shoulder reading every single word being typed out, after losing a battle over the keyboard, he wishes to say:

TMD….si cheh cheh….. Thanks to all who misses me. Now is time for commercial breaks. Shakespeare may be a sadist but Hitler is KNN super dua-pai-lang. Cheena only good when watching Xiao S in Ta1Wan variety. Bio only good for watching CSI and playing Mortal Kombat. Geography text is best when used as toilet paper. Pi is only good when it can be eaten. Chemistry good for making fart smells. Physics only good for swinging stoopid goh-lis in the air. Pls swing some other balls.

I think I love cheh becos she took the internet away for my own good. Yes, I also want to live longer.

That’s all. Back to Main menu.

Hmmm.....Weird, ay?

Never mind, 3 more weeks and I promise to release him his password back into bloggerdom....

In the meantime, i also preventing my own workload from fighting back ( Down boy! Down!!!)....


AKK :)
Barney and li-er must wait for the 5 senses entry hor...sorli sorli....Akan Datang. :)

Saturday, October 29, 2005

I (and Lancerlord) am the Ultimate!!!

Hi all!

Just a short post today. First Nadnut,

My blog is worth $30,485.16.
How much is your blog worth?

then Jaywalk,

My blog is worth $29,356.08.
How much is your blog worth?

Wah!!! Got $$$ leh!!! My eye now open big big liao! If large amount, then can sell, rite?! Can rite?! I should Chao Chao sould have $100, rite?!

So I also happy happy went to try it......

This is what I got....

Jidan, I so lao-yah one....really paiseh...cannot face mother, father, ancestors, my late hamster and the cleaning lady at my office...

and before I succumb to immense depression and financial woe, I visited Lancerlord's blog....

........and felt better immediately.....

Got companionship. :)


Happy Deepavali and Hari Raya!!!

AKK :)

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Things I do for performance bonus...

Hi all!

Sorry for the late updates, been terribly busy working. Right now damn stressed in work, ie. u know the term ‘pao suah pao hai’?

It’s Hokkien for ‘cover mountain, cover sea’. I’ve been tasked to do everything from teaching, coordinating, babysitting, modifying, to even the occasional courier service to shuttle a thumb drive between 2 lecturers who are too busy to meet each other to exchange said important information. I think it never occurred to them to mix business with pleasure, becos they lunch together everyday and sneak out during work hours to lim kopi together. How I know? Because they were always both never around when I need to look for them urgently.

So 1 lecturer took the energy to first send me an email asking to meet me in his office ASAP, so off I ran, wondering what emergency had befallen, but mostly wondering if I did something wrong.

I was also grumbling a bit, because he was on the 7th floor and I was in the lab on the 1st.

When I got there, panting, it struck me that ASAP apparently did not apply to him, becos he then proceed to make me wait 15min for his Majesty to chat animatedly away on the phone while I lingered, before finally setting me a task to retrieve valuable data from lecturer no. 2.

I was like, huh? Cannot do himself ah? But being a nice and above all, newbie, I shut my small but immensely powerful egg-cussing mouth and agreed sweetly. Since my experiment was to be boiled for a further 5 min, I decided I shall just make a quickie to lecturer no. 2, since he must be expecting me now. So, fast as lightning (about 1km/h)… I left his Majesty to cross the concrete plains to the next building, up 3 floors and knocked on lecturer no. 2’s door, panting heavily.

Oh, Damn! The frigging Prof was on the phone too! When I went in anyways, he gave me the finger - the all-important 1 single chao finger up in the air….

……indicating ‘a moment pls.’…….. (hands up for those who thinks otherwise …tsk tsk…)

I saw that crusty dirty finger full of cookie crumbs from the packet of Oreos he had been handling and tried damn hard to keep my own hands from forming another even more chao-er finger back at him.

I failed. But to my credit, I gripped my wayward hand behind my back to hide it. On the other hand, anyone passing by the window of the office shall witness a rude gesture being directed at them unknowingly…

Peace, I tell myself, and imagined my experiment shrinking in size from too much heat and the lab going up in flames ….

But a further 15 min of chit-chat on the phone hearing the one-sided conversation only made me more incensed…. Guess who was on the line? L no. 1! Who called to ask if I was already there, then started a small little conversation while I strained to keep my forehead unlined and to put my ears on high alert for sirens going off in the distance….

L no. 2 finally deigned to honour my presence with a slow click of the phone in the receiver only when I started fidgeting rudely, tapping my feet.

He turned to me and asked, ‘how may I help you?’

I stared back at him, speechless….

Then ‘Sir, if you don’t mind, Prof XXX, whom u were talking to just now, asked that I collect the data from you pronto.’

And he bloody feigned a look of pleasant surprise!

‘Oh! So he was talking about you?! My apologies….now let me see…where is the data…’

I was hopping around like I needed to find a bush while he slowly rummaged through his PC opening folders after folders to find the cause of all my troubles….

‘Yes! Found it! You have a flash drive?’


‘A flash drive, girl, don’t tell me you don’t use it.’

I massaged my temple to give me an excuse to look away from him and to give me time to cool down…

You chao bugger Sir, the other chao buggerr Prof XXX said u are passing me a diskette.’

‘Oh boy, I’m afraid I have none….. Are u ok?’

‘F…no, sir, I’m not OK, I seem to be getting a headache. Stoopid Chao Buggers Running fast does that to me sometimes.’ I massaged harder to keep from spilling more words than I had to.

‘Oh dear, I should get my head checked if I were you.’

‘Yes, you would, you KNN Chao Bugger sir.’ I gave a small squeak at my audacity, but the rejoiner flew pass his head and placidly out the window.

Thankfully, after 5 minutes of rummaging through his piles of papers, stuffed animals, seashells and insects, he dug out a flash drive with an exclamation. By then, I also realised that L2 is not exactly a bad prof, just helpless. I watched him struggle with the simplest task of transferring the word document into his flash drive and offered some tips.

‘No, sir, just drag, sir. Don’t open it, sir!’

‘Wait! Don’t pull it out yet, have to stop it first….

All the while, he thanked me profusely. I wondered how he had been teaching his modules….

I said like 5 ‘welcomes’ and quickly let myself out of the room…and ran like a crazy rabid woman to save my experiment….

Eventually, the data was duly delivered to L1, who without the same incompetence, speedily transferred it onto his own desktop. I was on a warpath and feeling really upset over the experiment, which had turned into an overboiled lump of hard resin. I was ready to leave his room when the bastard called out,

‘Kueh, u can have this back.’

Taking an enormous breath, I turned around very slowly to give my Cool time to catch my running Temper. A mantra of Performance bonus! Performance bonus!! Performance bonus! Dooonnnggg! *temple gong* Managed to infinitesimally twitch the ends of my lips into a teeth-flashing grimace.

Bugger no. 2 Sir?’ *Through gritted teeth*

‘Pls take this flashdrive back to Prof YYY.’

‘Yessir. &%$#@#$

And I managed to close the door without slamming it.

As you can see, there are no eggs being mentioned in this entry…because I’m sure they wont just be smelly already….more like extinct, the way I imagined them to be thrown onto Lecturer no. 1…

Later, L2 would have had heard a series of thumps right outside his wall. If he'd bothered to walk out and check, he would have noticed a few new dents on his newly installed blackboard....

Reason being, all them eggs in the world won’t be enough…


I shall be damn busy the next few weeks trying to keep my temper down, so early apologies if there’s no updates and if I’ve not been visiting u guys! Sorry sorry!



Sunday, October 16, 2005

Chronicles of A…vol 2 : singing again

EDITED: an Original song included towards the end. :)
Hi all!!!

It’s been sometimes since I’ve been toying with the idea. You see, being the cheapskate that I am, I seldom like to buy things for myself. Which essentially means that I am the last person who would go out of my way to buy a gift for anyone. Since I’ve barely gotten into my job yet, there are lotsa money to be saved and earned for a rainy day. If like I kena big big accident and end up totally paralyzed (choi choi!), it will be nice to have enough money to apply for the right to undergo Euthanasia to end my suffering, rite?

Believe you me, Human rights also costs money nowadays and I intend to be a free man…woman.

This means that I don’t buy gifts, I’d rather make them.

Think about it, it’s a marvellous fantastic money-saving idea! Last time, there’s this guy who asked me to teach him how to decorate a glass bottle so he can put paper stars in them to give to his Gf… I mean, such a sweet thing to do right? And although I’ve got my eye on him in the craft shop and constantly helped him to troubleshoot and repair damage, the end result still look like the bottle was designed by an insane glassblower and later painted by a colourblind 3-yr-old.

It looked so bad I wondered if I didn’t teach him properly, but when he later paid for the lesson using his credit card, I saw that his signature kena like chicken scratchings, so I felt more relieved…

The point being that he later came back just to thank me for the lesson and to tell me that she loved loved loved it. Discounting the fact that she is, by then, his ex-Gf, didn’t change the point that:

a) Just becos it’s home-made/hand-made, ppl automatically think it’s 100 times prettier.

b) No matter how ugly something looks or is damn easy to do, ppl are automatically happier knowing that you made the useless ornamental gift rather than bought something more useful/beautiful/practical thing from a shop. They may like it less, but they’ll appreciate the work behind it more. Unless its jewellery or gold bars, of cos, then it’s a different category altogether.

So I’ve recently been toying with the idea to make something for A. I’m not particularly good at poetry, since my handwriting is also rather like chicken scratchings themselves. I’m not good at cooking and the bloody breadmaker is spoilt already (11 days old!).

So I thought about singing again.

I mean, at least this is one thing that I know for sure(!) that I do quite badly at, but it seems to make ppl damn happy to hear me. In fact, it has come to my attention that my singing can bring serious hilarity among my frens…

So I though….why not sing a song for him?

Oh goody! It’s one of those gifts with 1 cheap CD that can be nicely wrapped with cheap ribbon and yet can look so super expensive. And since it’ll contain my golden dulcet voice, I’m sure it’ll render A speechless with awe….

OK….probably just speechless……..

So I’ve been busy racking through my retro 80s CD sets for the perfect song. Bananana-rama? No. Ace of base? No. Bryan Adams? Nooooo……

Then finally I hit upon this song, babytalk!

Oh yeah! It seem to contain all the words I want to tell him. So excited was I that I started recording right away without learning the lyrics….Hahahah…it’s like the JPB song all over again!

But this time, I truly wanted to perfect it, so I made more recordings.

All the variations included:

a) Singing with face plastered to the lappy or across the room for the ‘hollow’ effect.

b) Singing under white light for energy or with soft light for lomance….even in the darkness for added shiver.

c) With fan or aircon.

d) Day or night

e) Standing or sitting

Towards the end, I was enjoying laughing at myself too much to stop. I even tried singing it lying down or hanging up-side-down over the bed, once even with water in my mouth….just to hear if there’s any difference. I pretended screaming linkin-park way, bo-chup pet-shop-boys-way, then shouting, then sexy, then sultry, then bubbly…..

And finally among the 17 over so recordings…I replay and play and play until I hit the correct track.

….It was the one without the frills….

No matter how much I re-listen between the Creed, Marilyn and Dick Tracey, I always ended up liking the no-frills version better. The sultry one was damn goosepimply and the sexy one sounded like I swallowed a horse (whole….so it was singing through me…). The one standing up sounded too high pitched while the upside-down version was simply gabled becos the lyrics were also upside down and half-way through, I lost concentration and started sweeping the ground playing with my hair…

Oh well…..it has to be the no-frills one then.

Incidentally this is related to the second incident (bloody damn big digression hor? Hur hur…I out-do myself every entry):

After the sorry hunt for the snail, (‘Oy, little snail with the brown stripes! Not you, You! I’m sorry if my toe destroyed your travels plans, pls tell grandma it’s my fault….) I was waiting for the opportunity to ask him, in a super-indirect-kinda way, whether he likes a gift of song from me or not.

‘Hey, dear, have you ever heard me sing?’

Oh well, so much for being indirect…..

‘As a matter of fact, yes, I have!’

OK, so I wasn’t expecting this answer….my breath hitched and I began to replay parts of my life for any unknown forgotten drunkard episodes.

‘You have? Since when?’

‘Since when we were frens?’ Gosh! This was 5 years ago!

‘Er…but that’s quite a while ago…u mean u remembered?’

‘Of cos! How to forget?’

A nigging suspicion and dare I say it? Fear began to eat at me…an image of all my 17 re-takes being unsuccessfully flushed down a toilet bowl began to form….

‘Er….what song did I sing?’

He turned and looked at me gravely.

‘You really wanna know?’ and squeezed my hand in his…. Jidan! It must be something really bad….


He looked up into the clear starry night and briefly closed his eyes in remembrance. Then he turned and looked at me again. I see that his infamous girl/auntie/lady/married women-killer lazy smile has surfaced.

‘You sang…’ and the grin became wider, before it was hastily stifled….

‘Stop keeping me in suspense lah!’ I head-banged his shoulder with my forehead just for emphasis….

'You sang.......The Elmo Song.....'

‘ WAT??!’

‘The ELMO SONG……..’

Lala-lala-lala-lala...elmo song!!!

that instant, i appreciated the true meaning of the word ‘flabbergasted’. He had to shift my chin back up before the night moths invaded. I never knew! Elmo song?! Of all the songs to sing, I sang a Sesame Street kiddy song that even my 10 yr old cousins would shy away from?!

Suddenly, like a charging MRT on the loose, a distant, long-lost and obviously tightly-bound memory burst through the tracks of my brain….a series of images in monochrome shades focused and flipped like a photo album.

A conversation with A in a car. On cartoons. Yous favourite childhood shows? Mine? Sesame street. You like it too! Cookie monster. The count also. Elmo is cutest, of cos. Have you heard him sing? No? I sound like Elmo. Really! Don’t believe? Don’t laugh ah?

~~~~~Lalalala-lalalala…..ELMO SONG!!! Lalala-lala-Elmo song!!! ~~~~~~

.............And slowly the train of thought faded into the distance, leaving me hollow with dread. Yet, a bubble of hilarity seem to be easing itself upwards past my throat….

No! I’m not gonna ask!!! I tell myself, don’t ask it! Shut up!

‘Er…..’ ............SSSsssHHHHhhhh..........!!!!!


‘What did you do?’ Dammit! Mentally I head-banged myself.

‘Pretend to like it….’

Horrors of horrors, the moment I heard him, I started into a fit of giggling….especially when I saw his face was momentarily twisted in wry recollection. Oh gosh…I couldn’t stop my shoulders from shaking when he started looking at me in mock accusation.

‘Did you know how long it took to stop the song from blaring in my head?!’

That’s it! I bursted a spleen and started whooping in laughter! And to think this guy, after what I did to his poor ears, after all this while, trawling this gory memory, he still thinks I’m the bee’s knees…. I gripped my sides while he ferociously tried to keep his scowl from sitting up.

When I sufficiently recovered to stand upright again, I heard a reedy, nasal voice issuing from his lips….

‘This is the song…lala-lala….elmo song…lala-lala-lala-lala….elmo song….’

I sang the music, i wrote the words...that's elmo song!!! Posted by Picasa

I collasped like a rag-doll again…

A, a true tactician, believes that revenge is best served in cold....blood…..

And yes, this episode took me a whole week to recover…..


AKK :)

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Chronicles of A….vol 1: Why did the snail cross the road?

hi all!

Recently, A took some days off his busy schedule to spent a bit more time with me, so we were out having dinner and taking slow walks. A few funny incidences occurred, but I would like to just put 2 of them down. This 2 I shall keep for my future enjoyment, should I read back what I wrote.

Incident 1:

A and I were walking along a stone path just yesterday in the evening. The night air was very cool after the rain and the foliage on both sides of us were very green, fresh and moist.

Yes, I can see Z leering liao…….how was it that I can actually notice the bloody foliage around me when I could be otherwise engage in other *ahem* activities that are immensely more enjoyable?

Because! We are not in the ulu BT hill nor Botanical gardens, we were walking thru this damn tiny little landscape patch in Raffles place. I confess that I was exaggerating about 'dense' foliage, I was just trying hard to find lomantic scenery out of nothing.

In fact, there wasn’t any bloody dense foliage to hide behind for some hand-held activity. There are only shrubs that reached my waist. On a better day, I could come up with some waist-down activity, but it was rainy...and I'm not a rain person.

There is, also, a traffic camera facing us from across the jammed streets full of horny horning cars and I already know i don't have exhibitionist tendencies...

Hand-in-hand, we strolled till we came upon this one lonely snail travelling across our path.


When I was young, my mum often say I walk with a ‘chuay kim’ look, which means ‘looking for gold’ in Hokkien and slang for walking with head down, eyes on floor. Depends on how you see it, it can be both a bad or good habit.

As a bad habit, it contributed to a lot of headaches and black-eyes whenever I walk through a forest of streetlamps. I performed even worse at our HDB void deck- I called it the ‘step step step-bok!’ walk. Yes, because the pillars were bigger, but it didn't make them more visible, only harder to avoid.

There were a few times I walk right into a glass pane at a shopping center just because I was looking down thinking rather than up, where all the action is. Thankfully, I never broke them, said my mum, or she’ll have to pay the damages. I love my mum, I swear, but sometimes, she can be as frank and blunt as I am….which irritates me to no end. But then, when I walked right into the glass pane of Body Shop just last week, I was thinking much along the same line, despite nursing a bump about the size of a quail egg, much to the hilarity of the staff ('no, it's ok, miss, you only smudged the door, are you sure u ok? You worry about your head more, yes?).

On the other hand, I’ve since earned about 30 + dollars in dropped coins and half-buried notes.

Although I dun chuay kim that much anymore (until last week, that is), occasionally I lapse back, especially when there’s some one to hold my hand in his….then there’s no need for 2 pairs of eyes to both see the same road, rite? Rite?!

Ya lor, I think so too, 1 to see where we’re going and the other to earn money and spot manholes….

Because the floor was wet, I was looking downwards because I’m also a Saver of Snails…..aka SOS....kekeke….(Barney would say I’m giving a bloody cold joke right now). But seriously hor, after a rain, all the snails will come out onto the path, so it’s really no joke, it's a real situation.

U know that snails have bad eyesight? Yes, I know they got their pair of itty-bitty ‘antennae’-like thingies with big protruding eyes that makes ppl think they've got some damn powerful goggles. But seriously, snails eyes can only differentiate light and dark. They use the two feelers to swivel around to touch leaf blades and thus move among the grass. Their bottoms, which is a long muscular foot, detect moisture of the grass and the soil, so from 2 points of measure, they navigate their way among the mini-jungle.

That’s why during the rain, just because their paths are still wet, they think it’s still soil…. so they just continue until they undulate right onto the wet stone path and won't actually realise it enough to turn back around.

Then like blind men who are asked to spin around 10 times and had their walking sticks taken, they’ll just walk a rough continuous straight line trying their best to detect landmarks with their feelers out stretched like hands.......

But since they don’t, they just slime straight, getting absolutely lost…

And it’s really better to be an SOS rather than walk with your head held high through a wet path between 2 grass patches. Of cos the long term reward if u were to quietly unhinge them with ur foot and lightly kick them back into the dirt would be that you’ve just saved some blind, frantically scrambling snail (albeit slowly and in a moist kinda way)from being dried out when the sun comes up again. This would earn you some karma or brownie points with whatever religion you associated with.

On the other hand, I go for the instant gratification. The one that comes from knowing that there’s no crunching/ squelching/ mulching/ squishing or any form of cringing sound effects occurring underneath my very thin sole separating my bare naked wriggly toes from the Unfortunate Event.

Because it happened to me once, just when I chose to wear my new spanking flats with its extremely exposed toe bits… I’ve never been able to wear that pair without a shiver of goosebumps since then…

Oh yah, the crunching/squelching noise? It continues for a few more steps after the first contact…

It was an absolute conundrum. I couldn’t bear to continue walking and yet couldn’t bear to lift my feet to view the damage…I was also hopeless to run my sole across the grass to clean it off because I felt so guilty. I felt it was oozing right beneath my feet. The feeling was so grossly intense, I froze for 5 minutes just wondering what I should do….then I cleaned my feet 10 times that night. Really, it’s not something u would love to experience….

Can u imagine stepping on this??!! Posted by Picasa

So SOS hor! Get more Karma, save some lives! However insignificent! You have been sufficiently warned…

Oh shit! Back to the show:

So we were just strolling (hur hur…) down the path when my habit turned out to be a good karma-tic one. If I didn’t stop him, he’d have trodden scrunchingly onto a big fat slimy snail in his way. By the size of that thing, A would have spent the next 3 nights scrubbing between his toes and cringing uncontrollably everytime he laces those shoes for the next 5 years.

The snail, although lost and all alone on the path, is obviously in the right orientation, because it was making a beeline straight for the grass on the other end and is ¾ towards reaching its goal. All things said, if I didn't help it, it would have gotten safely to the grasses in the next hour.

But being the extreme SOS nicety I am, I stopped and gently nudge the snail with my shod foot. I confess to being secretly amused at their suction prowess, because if u nudge too hard, you can actually hear something R(A), although at the same time, u can separate the shells from their bodies.....

So how? well, you’ve got to do it really slowly and skilfully, gently prodding. Until you can tease and softly separate the moist folds of flesh until they are open wide and the wet lips stop suc……


*clears throat* Anyway, back to the story….

Eventually, I er…dislodged the snail and eased its terrified fully retracted body into the shrubs. Then happily, knowing there’s something good to report to the tih-kong when I expire, me and A both continued strolling.

After 2 minutes, A suddenly blurted out into the semi-gloom, his voice unnaturally loud until a cranky motorbike roared by, reminding us we are essentially still in Raffles.

'Why did you do that for?’

‘What? You meaning saving the snail? Oh, because last time, mother say I got this bad habit to ‘chuay kim’…’

‘No no, I understand why you save the snail, dear. I agree with it. But why did u kick it to the wrong side?’

‘What you mean?’

‘U know just now the snail was crawling ¾ to the opposite side rite?’

‘Ya, so?’

‘Er….you kicked it back to where it started, dear’

‘I did?!’

‘Ya…imagine that it actually really want to get to the other side, then how? Maybe before u un-suck un-stuck it, it was thinking, ‘yay! 2 more hours to go!’, rite? then you came along.’

‘oh no! you think so?’

‘I dunno, but what if it wants to visit grandma on the other side and started the journey early in the morn? Then instead of being sent to the nearest correct side of the shrub, this great gigantic toe from the sky suddenly appeared and sent it back to base 1.’

‘Oh! Jidan! Now, we have to go back and look for it!’

*uncertain* ‘er…it’s OK lah, I was just joking…I dun think it would mind. Not really…’

*bursting with self-righteousness* No, dear, you’re rite! We’ve got to find it and toss it to the right side…’


‘yes! Let’s go back! No time to lose!’


‘Haiz, so much for karma!’ I huffed in disgust 10 mins later after rummaging through the wet shrub hunting down that snail, but to no avail.

And then suddenly a tot struck me.


A looked up from chuay-kim-ing, obviously regretful he made that wacky suggestion involving grannies…..


‘What did you mean by ‘Great Gigantic Toe'?

‘er…………..hahhahahaahha……….......took u that long huh?’


Later, a significantly perkier A said, when we were back to strolling hand-in-hand along Boat Quay,

‘Why did the snail cross the road?’

*nonplussed* ‘Er…to get to the other side?’

‘No, because AKK kicked it back.’


I think........I now require somebody to rescue me from too many corny jokers........


AKK :)

Oh yes, 2nd incident for next time, ya?