Sunday, March 27, 2005
Real signs found in the Land of the Free(speech):
* In an New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
* On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"
* In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
* In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
* Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
* On a North Carolina highway:
"EAT -- 300 FEET"
* In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
* In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
"Parking for birds only."
* In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetuallight is extinguished."
* In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their owngraves."
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Because these 50 men are always so Goddamn HILARIOUS!
Oh yes, I’m afraid I forgot to mention that the reason we gals are ‘ogling’ are probably because we are absolutely positively AGOG at how these people actually went to a conclusion they could be eligible in the first place. In the risk of being stoned by Cleo Eligible Bachelor (or CEB) Wannabes, or by their small but ‘still there’ group of female fans mostly made up of friends and bribery, it really pains me to think that anyone would be interested in this competition. There are just so many reasons to roll your eyes over these boy-men. Here, don’t think, let me list them out for you!
Some of them never looked in the mirror before. And I understand that the journalists of Cleo mag either had a hard time looking for cute Singaporeans or they blinded themselves with their fingers to make their search easier. Most CEBs looked normal, some looked ‘below’ average and I’m being Nice about it. Already. What I meant to say is that None, NONE, looked gorgeous, handsome or even plain ‘good’. Some looked pretty normal. You can meet such ppl in NUS the whole day. But what a name!
On whose authority am I basing my opinions on? Mine own, of cos! The skill which I have honed stalking and scaring cute boys during Secondary and JC have equip me well.
*Looks deeply into the horizon dreamily* In my U days, I was a ‘headhunter’ for Science Bash. Inevitably, and there was never any doubt in my mind, that the guy I especially chose and hunted down, boned and skinned to join the competition eventually won the title. So! I know what I’m talking about! Don’t believe these guys look so bad? Well, Lookee here!
And yes, if it pleases you, do click on their images to Hear their Voices Floating from your laptop. I’m not joking, Power98 has done the impossible and made the competitors even cornier than ever by airing their voices so You can choose who sounds the SEXIEST….. *groan*
Someone said, “I love watching movies and if you want to catch a movie with me, vote for me and call me.” It comes complete with sexy undertones. It was painful to hear, but I had to! It was akin to watching a bad accident happening and even more absorbing than picking at a scab.
Pls go and amuse yourself, but I warned you to do it without food. The only one I didn’t cringe that much over was another guy who said something pretty mushy and irrelevant, imagine this with voice of a overzealous puppy if it could talk-
“If you like somebody with a sweet nature and a sweet tooth, vote for me and I shall bake you the cheerest (?) and sweetest brownie with a large scoop of macadamia brittle!”
My hunger pangs made me forget to frown.
Some have bad teeth and some are er...of the wrong orientation...but I really can't tell you who!
- Can we have a definition for the phrase Eligible Bachelor? It should be somebody who is mature, looks attractive, carry himself well and has a well-paid job. But of cos, we shouldn’t be too stringent, so let’s bring it down a little? But hell, at the very least, be financially independent? I've chose a few who are jobbers to be featured here (believe me, these are actually ok, I can't even be bothered to d/l the other more arrogant-looking i-think-i-am-God's-gift-to-women CEBs).
Half the bunch that make up The CEBs, however, are only just Undergraduates…
Excuse me? Am I seeing things? These are Boys! They are not Men! They lived with their parents and are dependent on them for their allowances, their poor parents have to use their CPF to pay for the school, so who’s thinking about contributing to the household expenses? Nobody! In fact, they don’t even have to right to showcase themselves as bachelors, much less eligible. There are fifty of them, but the only person that I'm glad of in CEB is Karl Ho. Remember him? He writes columns in Straits Times, he's probably the oldest but hell, he looked like a lion among rabbits in there. He looks intelligent (which he is, judging by his articles). Unlike the cutesy boy image or smoldering cassanova the rest tried to screw their features into, his be-specticled, no-frills pose is a breath of fresh air... Finally, a true-blue eligible Bachelor...I hope he wins, i don't want some dependent ninnyhammer with hair gel clinching the title.
- Finally, sexual orientation! Frankly, when I first chanced upon the list of CEBs, I was sneaking a cookie into my stomach unbeknownst to my conscience. I was half-chewing and half sipping a cup of coffee that also managed to scuttle to safety. I saw 1 CEB I recognised and next thing I knew, I was spewing coffee over the pantry table. Having to laugh helplessly and choke at the same time is no joke, pardon the pun, although my colleagues loved it. At least ONE of the CEBs is Gay! When I knew him, he had a boyfriend, albeit on the sly. But they were really bad at hiding. No, wait! I remember something! Before that boyfriend, he had a girlfriend, so he’s actually a Bi. He goes both ways! Oh My Holy Pants! Does Cleo still consider him to be Eligible? Does he think he's eligible still? Do you? Sadly, I would really really Really like to tell you who that CEB is, but I’m not gonna tell! I can’t. The Gay Association (I’m sure there’s one) will sue me for insulting them that such specimen can make it to their list.
Digression here: Ever notice that the really handsome men are really mostly crooked? Maybe we shall discuss this enlightening topic at length next time?
All I wanted to say are written above under the second pic....so ahem
Sometimes I really don't understand why is there such a great need to have such a competition. Pageants for models, i can understand, these are jobs, ppl win them for their career. But Miss World and Manhunt and CEBs don't mean anything! Do you think that having a chio bu pat a pink dolphin in Underwater world will make the dolphin feel better than being patted by a little kid? Or that having Eunice Olsen talk about charity will make us donate more money than having a kid from the School Pocket Money Fund do so? These contests are made up by beautiful people for beautiful people. And if you haven't noticed, either the really beautiful people have become smart to avoid such farce or there is really a decline in the number of beautiful ppl available in Singapore. But i know that the latter is not true, because i see beautiful people everyday! All those friends i hang out with who can laugh at themselves. They look attractive in an overall relevant, non-spaced-out intelligent way and never preen everytime they see their reflections. You tell them they are pretty and they just wave a hand dismissingly, not believing it. All are photo-shy and like to 'fade out' (powerpoint) of view.
This competition and Miss Singapore Universe (have you seen these girls? *groan*) bears little meaning nor showcase true beauty and charisma of a Singaporean. in fact, I'll go further and say that such pageants have become more of an outlet for the wannabes than the ares. So pls, Singapore, either scrap these pageants altogether or change the pageant image by being truly Stringent about it. So stringent, that if there isn't enough beautiful ppl, then don't hold it, don't resort to filling in numbers!
Sigh...me gonna eat now, I'm spent.
(PS, in case you're wondering, me mum out of danger! heng ah...I can breathe freely once more.)
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
hey all! have to apologise for not updating my blog. I've got a really good reason: here's an excerpt from an email which I wrote to my good friends recently:
Last but not least, mum got infected with dengue and ended up in bed with chronic fever. situation got worse and she went first to hospital, then to intensive care. Bad case.
For a while, I seriously questioned her mortality when i was hunkered down in the ICU visitor lounge trying to go to sleep on 3 chairs at 2am in the morning. I was really really close to losing her and it was really really scary....
she got less water in her lungs now and is slowly improving, but she is still being 'incubated'. Means she's hooked up all over with a big tube down her throat to force her to breathe. It was a horrible sight, but compared to her first days in ICU when she was confused and struggling to breathe without the tube (they had to restrain her) and with her machines blaring out alarms whenever her heart rate, blood pressure etc went too low, it was actually a very joyful affair for me.
In fact, how I know i got my mum back? Eventhough she can't speak with the tube, she is actually lucid enough to make a rude gesture at the diagonal bed-ridden patient for delaying the nurses from cleaning and changing her.
Life is really unpredictable, guys, while I'm appalled that my mum is sick and still critical, i'm joyful that she didn't leave my dad and us this soon.
Okie dokie, I'm off, got work to do. :)
Hmm....wally, was wondering if i go California for holiday, will you give me free lodging?
love u pple....
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
An aside here : Actually, which woman in her right mind can like a brooding man? I understand how some woman can like rollercoaster men, read: mood swings--it's the moments of breathlessness and wonder over a guy's sensitive, suddenly insightful actions that they wait for, after months of mooning like a clueless puppy.
On the extreme, you get those truly brooding Gothic monsters. Sure, they got the 'sey'. Oh yah, the hang-dog look, the smirk, the occasional grimace and the frown are some of the very limited expressions they have. You want an example?
Seriously, one of Batman's favourite hobby is to pretend he's a gargoyle in Gotham concrete jungle.
Tada! Like Batman lah, wrecked childhood, lives in a cave full of bat shit, wears tights and prances around after hours. Strange but true.
Alright! if you must know, saying this doesn't mean i don't like Batman hor, I adore him to Bits, he is afterall America's Favourite Superhero. I watch his cartoon all the time, except that he's now an old cranky man in Batman of the Future and the new batman is quite a loud talker for a hero (less than spiderman tho, that one talks way too much). I only mentioned him because he's the most recognisable brooder I know.)
Brooding men, real brooding men, are those who are on a very low-fibre diet. For you gals out there, here's a tip. Don't ever EVER get involved with such Men. They are absolutely constipated. They look it and they act it, whatever you do, they're still gonna give you this look that makes you think they're going to drop a big stinking load. For the whole duration of handing this guy breathe near you, you'll be always wondering:
- should he should be left alone?;
- or I try to draw him out?;
- is it something I've done?;
- was it my fault?;
- was it me?
All those mindless agonising quesions. Liking a brooding man is like liking a deaf-mute with acute PMS. Doesn't listen, can't talk, has a permanent cramp. Don't do this men, they are like freezers, they'll suck all the warmth out, unless you are such a masochist, in which case you are very welcome to these people, even if doing it will decrease the likelihood of other 'normal, happy people' meeting these singles.
Aww...shucks. this is a huge dugression. i was supposed to put my 2 cents worth for the Cleo's 50 eligible bachelors....oh well, there's a always a next time...
Monday, March 14, 2005
Hi all! Super good news!!!!! Ninjai chapter 11 is finally out!I've been following since I was 22! *Gasp* That's was 3 years ago! In fact, I got stuck at chapter 10 3 years ago because chapter 11 wasn't made then. They've been so plagued with broadband and money problems that chapter 11 was never published till now.
* a minute of respectful silence*
For all those who don't know what the heck ninjai is, well, it's only just the Most Bestest BEST Flash Animation ever created! With a great storyline and seamless art combined into a spectacular work that is Free (!) for viewing on the internet! Gosh, man! what have you been doing all these years in front of your PC??!!
Not only that, the final chapter will be up on the 15th of march, so pls watch out for it. On the other hand, those who don't know that it existed, pls hor! Go and visit the place, I've got a link set on the right of the blog. Familairise yourself with the art that is Ninjai, the Little Ninja! Woohooo!!!!! *pop Fire Cracker*
Friday, March 11, 2005
I’ve had the chance to watch ‘Human Mutants’ on Discovery Channel (Oh yah, I’m brainy…uh-huh-ug-hug…). The Universal Concept of Beauty has been compressed down to the very basics. What does beauty now entails? Numbers! All Mathematics equations to tell you who should look good and who doesn’t. A mix-match of geometry and symmetry and a pinch of good genes rubbed in. Stuff the turkey and Roast. Ding! Out comes a gorgeous offspring.
Here’s an excerpt:
We are being compared to Flies! Whatever will they think of next?! Do you know how a scorpion fly looks like? Me neither and I’m not about to search google for it….Wait! More to come! Like a bad accident happening in front of me eyes, i've got to read on.
‘In a 1994 study, they found that the most symmetrical human males had started having sex three to four years earlier than their most lopsided brethren. For both men and women, greater symmetry predicted a larger number of past sex partners.’
AAAIIIYoooo!!!! I feel as if the Ultimate Truth has just been whispered in my ear! Now I know why I have been thus far unlaid, untouched, unkissed, unhumped and unsexed till this very day! And I’m quarter of a century old! And I’m been trying to lose that useless piece of flesh for Years! Arrgghh!
I’m the sort who, if a guy came up to me and ask, ‘If you have 1 more day to live, what would…’ I’d have quickly knock him unconscious over the head and raped him, just in case he didn’t ask the question that I hoped. Good Grief! But there’s more!
‘…. surveyed 86 couples and found that women with highly symmetrical partners were more than twice as likely to climax during intercourse than those with low-symmetry partners. …..compared with regular Joes, extremely symmetrical men are less attentive to their partners and more likely to cheat on them. Women showed no such tendency.’
Great! The Symmetrical men seem to win it all!
- Symmetrical men of the World are going to have the best of everything, they attract the symmetrical gal and yet will not know satisfaction. They shall roam the Earth sowing their seeds all over the place. They deserve to be raped. By asymmetrical women.
- Asymmetrical men are in trouble. They don’t like asymmetrical women and yet the symmetrical ones don’t want them, so they should all go for plastic surgery to arrange their faces to some form of order and the Sun shall Shine on their Organs again. That, or they will set up blind dates and have sex in the dark. Forever.
- Symmetrical women will remain faithful to their symmetrical men (becos there are so few) but be abused in the process. In order to break the cycle, they will either find an asymmetrical man and sign him up for Extreme Makeover or blind themselves.
- Asymetrical women. Sigh. The world doesn’t want them. Men don’t look at them and Symmetrical women don’t want to look like them. They are the pillars of Society because they are there to beautify the symmetrical people. They shall either languish ever the hope of landing any guy, or do unto them what the symmetrical men deserved.
Below is Newsweek’s perfect face, model Saira Mohan. She is utterly symmetrical and raceless (her blood is so mixed, it’s probably clotted). What do you think?
Checking out now or I’ll collapse in grief….
Ang Khu Kueh
Thursday, March 10, 2005
*AKK goes into shock, curls up a ball and sucked thumb*
I've decided! Today's entry shall be about my amnesia. Ever watched 50 1st dates? Apart from looking as ugly as Drew Barrymore is sweet, and apart from not even having had 1 date, much less 50, I feel very in touch with her character because I think I also, yes, have short-term memory loss. I'm being deliberately vague about the show because although I seriously wanted to, I eventually forgot to catch it. I'm a Dory without the cute 'swimming swimming' singing voice.
Trying to reproduce something from memory has Always been a disasterous affair, the ghosts of all teachers' who have the bad luck to get me as their student would know.... in fact, in their cozy, students-off-limits Teacher's Lounge, it would have gone something like this:
A new teacher gets 'broken in ' by the elders:
'Miss Ang, I see that you've gotten the class of 9XS7X this semester! Isn't that nice?!'
'Mrs Khu, what's so great about 9XS7X?'
'Oh Miss Ang, you're so funny!' *snigger snigger* 'I was just being polite! The great thing about this class is that it's not mine! I had them last year when I was a new teacher, it's a tradition!'
'Mrs Khu, you shouldn't scare Miss Ang like that. Hi, welcome to AKKJC, Miss Ang, I'm Madam Kueh...yes, i'm peranakan. We've heard much about you, and feel that you are up to the challenge to handle this class. Others have not fared so well...'
'Calm down, Mrs Khu, i'm only stating facts. Miss Ang, you need to know, this class has never been a good scorer, and additionally there is a...for want of a better word...handicapped student in there.'
'I see. No wonder Principal Shakakhan was delighted that I had Social Work and Psychology Background.
'I believe the class is very good, in their right, but the handicap of that student got in the way. we call her the Plateau.'
"whatever for, Ma'am?'
'Because she's a low-scorer, Miss Ang. She manages to fail every CAs the school has given her. Not only that, even when we tried to give a simple test, requiring only wholesale and hardsell regurgitating in order to up the class percentage, she still manages to elude her teacher's most lenient markings to fail.'
'I see....But still, why Plateau?'
'Since we chart their performance by demonic graphs, high-scoring class tend to shift as a group to the high end percentile, while low ones shift downwards, thus creating a spike to guage average performance. Because of her, the rest of the class, having scored well, were bunched at the high-end, but she manages to pull Everybody back with her. So they are all strung along a line like laundry...'
*Madam Kueh taps her finger in the ensuing silence*
'Also much like the cardiograph of a dead Heart Attack patient'
'You mean like the finishing line at the end of the race?'
'Yes, perhaps, but more like a row of salted fish hanging on a string.... swaying gently.'
'Ah...I get it...Birds sitting on the Tel Pole cable?'
'Very Good, Miss Ang, just like milked cows on a conveyor belt.'
'Hah! great! this is fun...like..erm.. like... neat pairs of balls along a line of Pilots standing at attention! Yes!'
*Silence ensues again, madam Kueh cleared her throat*
'Miss Ang, why pilots?'
'Why, Ma'am, they are all of the same height, of cos!'
*sputter sputtering, Mrs Khu Frowns and snaps*
'Miss Ang! It's a plateau, for God's sake, so just call it so. No Spike, no Tip, and no sexual connotation, just a flat plane, a Plateau!'
*Bell Ringing in the Background*
*Madam Kueh and Miss Ang escapes from fuming Mrs Khu, Light dims...*
Alrite alrite! today's entry is pretty silly, I admit. next time, I'll make it sillier.
Ang Khu Kueh
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Ok, so it wasn't that good. I spilled some carcinogenic reagent over my worktable, but i managed to get the stain out. 10 yrs down the road if I kena cancer, I would know that wiping it with a cloth doesn't help. That by doing it, I was probably spreading it more thinly over a much larger area, is really true.
Erm, I also admit that falling flat on my face wasn't really a good thing today either, but this, however, is not my fault. However, since I did it in front of my Boss (yes, he deserves the capital), who was introducing us loyal hardworking rats and guinea pigs in our running wheels to our Even Bigger Boss (EBB), it's been lodged as a crime.
A criminal offense because he, the EBB, was trying to promote the boundless effort of the department to secure a WHO standard of Laboratory Safety to the SAFETY OFFICER. I had, in actual fact, made a Spectacular-Spectacular (ref Moulin Rouge) in front of 3 separate groups of VIPs. Also, right beneath my butt soaked a puddle of melted ice from the broken freezer that my Boss was trying to hide 5 min before the rehearsed walk-through. So that ruse screwed up too.
While the ensuing wayang did much to narrow the Safety Officer's eyes to slits, my pair of humongous buttocks barely escaping its purple panties through the white (now see-through) pants managed to raise them to the North Pole (and subsequently sent his appetite to hell).
While I admit that I'm already too old to be humiliated by my own antics anymore, it was still a horrible embarassing situation for both Bosses. But whatever happened next, is not, I repeat, Not, connected at all to the above incident.
What happened next was this:
Our lab had those high-tech, James Bond's I-Need-A-Secret-Code-And-Someone's-Thumb-for-Print glass doors installed. Needless to say, according to Murphy's Law (ie. if something's screwed, wat's next will be screwed too, thus the rest of the day's gonna be screwed, hence you're gonna be so screwed...), it jammed up and locked us all in. Few minutes later, they erupted in shrill waaaaa-waaaaa soundsjust when i started nursing my hips.
Apparently, my Boss must have thought I'm to blame because he immediately turned from the door to glare at me. Me! It was those long looks that says many things without the mouth moving- a veritable ventriloquist gaze. It was telling me that he now knows who's a jinx with a bad-luck radius of 10m. He did not even attribute it to the Even Bigger Boss, which I thought should at least share part of the blame.
Afterall, he was the one forcing the door.
But well, that's hierachy for you, no one ever blames the higher order if they could help it. And according to Lab hierachy, I'm not even evolved yet. I learnt something precious today:
Your Ass becomes Shinier the Higher you Climb...
Oh shit, but I digress! Anyways, back to the topic, I've had a happy day today!
Actually, I've just read what I have written. To tell the truth, i've forgotten what it was i was happy about, or what was so good about my day anymore. Well, of cos, there's the obvious jovial spreading among my colleagues. It was especially hilarious when someone re-enacted the Safety Officer's face; it was less funny when they tried to imitate my slip-and-slide.
On the bright side, I guess being a butt of jokes can be a livening experience too. I mean, if
The reason why I got this blog? Because I'm like Ray Charles. No, I'm not a genius, but I sure as hell enjoy the company. :) This entry is my tribute to Bubblemunche.
2day is a good day.
Down but not out,
Ang Ku Kueh
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
well, It's true.
I did it regularly, on Saturday and Sunday, every week, without fail.
So that I can catch up on my Teen Titans on Cartoon Network, switch to watch SpongeBob Squarepants and Jimmy Neutron on Nickelodeon after that, change over KidsCentral to drown myself in Mirmo Zibang and the Powerpuff Girls, then went back to Nickleodeon for Danny Phantom, perhaps jump over to Disney for Kim Possible...
No need to check my schedule, I've got them all down pat. My family knows that the weekend mornings are mine, the remote is also mine, all the way till 12pm (unless there's One Piece, which will end at 1pm). Anytime otherwise, the whole TV I surrender to their ministrations.
I professed that I am truly a real connoisseurseurer (ahem) of all things animation. I watch all kinds of anime/cartoon/flash etc, without discrimination (truly, what does that word mean?). I can expound at length why Bubbles can pick up her crayons when she doesn't have fingers (hello! excuse me! Ever heard of Velcro?). It is bewildering to me that anyone can be bored with SpongeBob, granted you either think he's corny or he's irritating, but either way, it should raise your body temp someway.
Which is why i spend my birthday watching Howl's Moving Castle and feeling so deliriously happy about it, even when I had to pay for my own ticket from my own ang pow money.
I'm not gonna criticise the reviewers who criticise this movie (%^&*$%^..... You!!!!). In my eyes, such whimsical and artistic venture to bring a book to Life is not something some Old, Doddering, Discriminating and Sour reviewers can understand. There is so many things to see past the drawings. But! I shall not bore you with them. Beyond a doubt, if not Miyazaki's best, neither his worse, but still artistry to behold.
Of Cos, the Wizard Howl has got to be the most handsome androgenic male figure I've ever had the pleasure to watch. Let's face it, I bet 90% of the female population in the theatre probably couldn't concentrate as much on the plot as they would have liked, not when they're drooling down the sides of their mouth just watching and admiring the wizard's every move and antic. Such charisma, such charm! He's so beautiful when he throws a tantrum!
People tell me not to go too nuts about such things, especially something so flat and 2D, but to tell the truth, there isn't a single live human out there that has a face to match most anime creations, i can't help taking this kind of other-worldly experience seriously. infact, I'd count myself lucky to catch a glimspe of any boy that looks as good as Robin (Teen titan)
Escapism is the bane of a Piscean....But enough for 2day! I'm going to finish watching Grey feather Alliance and Ghost in the Shell.