Sunday, April 01, 2007

The sad Ping Pong Queen Vol. 8

Hi all!

To recap the whole series, pls read the entries below, all are in running numbers and I assure you, has links to the previous volumes from Vol. 5 onwards. Sorry, i getting lazy....

Usually when I write something like ‘spewed the kopi’, I don’t usually mean it really that way. It’s probably like a drip from the corner of the mouth. Since I’m on for creative writing, words always tend towards being slightly exaggerated. So if anytime I ever wrote that I ‘spilled’, ‘spewed’ or ‘choked’ on ‘soup’, coffee’, or ‘bread’, I probably at most dripped a little or a hand capped in front immediately to stem the flow. In fact, except in the movies, I don’t even reckon it might be possible.

As usual I’m wrong. I can officially announce now that I am capable of such an action--spewing a true fine mist of kopi spread across a large surface area worthy of Mr Kleenex.

I had to blame it all on LK.

‘Actually….I’m married.’ LK announced somberly.

Cue the spewing of the kopi siu-dai and cup overturning….

‘Oh shit! Sorry! Did I hit you??!! Oh God, you’re MARRIED??!! Oh no, it’s spreading, take the cloth!!’

And the conversation broke in the midst of this interesting revelation as we 2 scrambled to clean up the meeting room table. Thankfully I had forsworn to only raise the PPQ vs LK topic after everyone had gone home or I’m sure to cause a ruckus.


And the whole day has started as promising as it will sure to end on his proclamation. PPQ, as I have once mentioned, has been actively trying to slim herself down from her obese days. While she isn’t exactly skinny, I’d say she’s only slightly fleshy. Which is usually less than what I say about myself, because the invincible A has announced very frankly that I am now under the term ‘chubby’. However, since he seems to like hugging the new me this much, it’s not a cause of much concern for me.

Once I would probably have said that I suspect PPQ of being unusually tactless, now I’m closer to saying that not only do I think she knows exactly what’s going through her mouth, she’s probably assessing your facial features for a reaction as well. The sneaky little creature….

‘Akk, can I ask you a question?’

Oh man….can I say no? I had begun to fear her opening statements.

‘How much do you weigh?’ she inquired politely, I’m sure my over-active imagination thought it saw an extra glint in her eyes.

I sighed. As usual, the day is too early to play games.

‘I’m a hefty 57kg.’

OK, so I lied. I was closer to 52kg, but whatever makes her happy. Incidentally, always always tell other gals a higher number when it comes to weight, especially the ones whom you know are actively trying to lose some, because for the simple fact that:

a) You don’t want them to whine more about how much heavier they are. Key word is ‘more’ because they’ll definitely whine, but telling them you are heavy too gives them less license to go pass a certain time frame.

b) Gals trying to lose weight happen to feel more charitable to those who aren’t watching theirs. Knowing that you are as heavy/heavier/will soon be heavier than them will make the office culture a better place to work in. For one thing, they are more likely to help you out. Whoever wants to lend a hand to that teck-goh that runs the biathlon every month, that over-skinny, anorexic, salad-touting over-achiever….bet she don’t need me to help pass the fax over. She can surely walk over and collect it herself, she might welcome the exercise….hah!

c) You don’t really want them to suddenly open their eyes big big and say, ‘Really??!! Oh my God, you’re so light? I mean, you’re so light!! Oh…My…God….’ And either win the Grammy for Best Pretense, or Best Knifing Moment.

The outcry from her lips screeched through my pre-caffeine head and her eyes had come to widen to that sickening extent I’m starting to hate.

‘Really??!! Oh my God, you’re so light? I mean, so light!! Oh…My…God….’ Apparently, my one-bag-of-rice over-estimate was not able to take away option C in PPQ’s case. She won the latter but completely lost the first award.

‘Really….I only look heavy, but I was told I’ve got the bones of a bird’, I gritted it out. Already, my blood pressure is rising to the occasion. I can also see the top of Jill’s head over at her cubicle grow still. She overheard the whole exchange.

My MSN pinged. ‘Want Bacardi?’ it was Jill. Ever since the smses, Jill and I have been actively having what we call ‘Bacardi Moments’, which is in the face of impending PPQ-related stress, to drop everything and have a toast of Bacardi or any alcohol-related drink to cool down. We are now currently having a lime Bacardi hiding in the fridge.

‘Not yet’, I pinged back.

‘Akk, I’ve decided to take control of my life,‘ PPQ suddenly announced seriously. She’s been acting like this at funny times during the whole week. ‘I shall not be so upset at being single anymore. There’s nothing wrong, ‘she intoned, she eyes shining with inner light while I imagined Jill hiding behind her cubicle and cringing. ‘in being single at all.’

‘Absolutely,’ I repeated. ‘Nothing wrong.’ And then, refusing to handle this conversation myself anymore, I added, ‘Rite, Jill?’

I heard some choking noises emanating from that end. My MSN immediately pinged an emoticon guzzling beer. Someone’s experiencing her Bacardi moment right now.

‘Rite rite…*koff*…best thing that ever happened to me…’ coughed a reply from the corner while PPQ started guiltily. She did not realize that Jill was at her desk. The MSN pinged me a second emoticon from Jill, this time with one emoticon strangling another.

‘In fact,’ PPQ continued, looking around to check more carefully that there’s only she, me and Jill currently avaible. ‘I’m going to start living for myself.’

‘Good good.’ I murmured and went back to my typing….I’d heard all these before.

‘In fact, I want to make myself prettier.’

‘Good good…huh?’

‘Akk, I’ve decided to give myself a goal.’

‘What goal,’ I asked suspiciously, my fingers floated over the keyboard.

‘I want to look smaller-sized than you.’ She exclaimed.

My Bacardi moment has arrived. More coughing issued from one useless corner of the office while I stared at PPQ blankly, wondering if I had just been bit by a hitherto barking toothless puppy who suddenly grew 4” canines in one night. I, who had given her the TS theory. I, who should be thanked endlessly for my morale-building on her current insight to Life, was being issued an insult.

Thankless little C*** B**. I had never been this roundly introduced to such a 2-face in my life.

‘Fine.’ The Lime Bacardi is starting to sound super-enticing. Jill pinged an MSN message which I am sure to kill her for later. ‘PPQ 1, AKK 0!!! Fight!!!’

‘Are you OK with that?’ PPQ asked. I no longer wish to know who she is anymore beneath her seemingly guileless demeanor.

Suddenly, I have an idea. ‘Sure! I’ll going to take you up on this challenge!’ I replied cheerfully.

‘But I wasn’t…I mean, I wasn’t trying to say you’re….’

‘Of cos not! No one ever says anyone’s fat these days. But I got your point!’ I continued. ‘In fact, that’s exactly what I needed to motivate myself! Yes!’


‘Yes! you and I can both strive to be thinner than the other! We will then both benefit greatly! I can see that now.’ I swung my arms and gave her a big hug.

‘Such a motivator, you are!’ I look into her terrified eyes. AKK, the cool aunty in the office with the hansem husband, is now taking on a new project with renewed zest.

‘er…er…’ she stuttered helplessly.

‘In fact, I shall start today!’ I waved a finger at her. ‘Don’t slack ah! You’ve got to be smaller-sized than me.’

With that, I left the office.

5 mins later, Jill found me in the pantry nursing a half-bottle of Bacardi Lime.

“What was that about? You’re going to get skinny for her?’

‘Nah, I’ve been exercising anyways, it’s no bother. I’ll give her a week to catch up.’

‘A week to what?’

‘A week, ‘ I repeated. ‘before I look for her in the office gym and we both compare on the electronic scale.’


‘So….,’ I passed her the unfinished alcohol. “So… she’ll kill herself wondering how I managed to shave off a bag of rice in a week’s time.’

‘You’re evil.’

‘Only to certain people.’ I replied.


‘So let me make this clear.’ I said weakly to LK later in the week after we had cleaned up the spill.

'Yes, I will tell you all, ' he salaamed.

‘You are married.’


‘Rather like me. '


‘You have a marriage cert, not just the tea-drinking thingy.’


‘You are pulling my leg.’


‘Who knows about this?’

At this, LK leaned and whispered in my ear.

‘Now you do.’

I have a bad feeling about this……………

Stay tuned!!!!




Acey Deucey said...

Fwah, really sounds like a case of jia lak pah jit bao gah liao.

Hope you won't get hit when the shit hits the fan.

JayWalk said...

Well, there also me to motivate you to get in shape since I am going to be back in May. ;)

Ensui said...

I dunnoe whether to laugh or feel sorry for you. The whole situation has just split into a thousand new endings. :D

And you are truly evil. Can't wait to see PPQ's reaction when she finds out you're even lighter. :D

OLLie said...

Win liao.

Akk! Be careful! She's starting to sound evil to me.

Anyway, if Jay's coming back, don't bother to get in shape since meeting him = eating! hahaha..

ah fatt's fan said...

52kg??!! Really??!! Oh my God, you’re so light? I mean, you’re so light!! Oh…My…God….......

Tempest Blue said...

haha... I seem to have missed the impt point that everyone else seems to be noticing.

My first reaction is "He's MARRIED????" O_o

Does PPQ Know yet? Is that why she's acting all weird and evil?

Anonymous said...

Keep it coming AKK!!

Interesting read. BTW, 110 kg still can do triathlon one... all in the mind.

Wu Ah Ah said...

Finally the drought is broken by a torrent! Havent been reading your blog as you have slacked in updating. :P

Pleasant surprise that you have broken the duck by introducing the PPQ series. *Gulped* I just finished reading the entire volumes machiam TCS drama. LoL

Will stay tuned for the Volumes 10 - 20, that is if PPQ is up for more action. LoL

Tell PPQ that I love her. Opps, will that create more trouble? :P

shun kueh said...

*gasp* LK chua boh liao! Then she give PPQ huay and candle light dinner for wat?
guys are damn suay sometimes.

Ang Ku Kueh said...


hiya! i read ur comment like 5 times and still dunno what the first 3 hokkien words mean....can explain.


trying *huff huff* damn *puff puff* hard...


you should be happy for me because I'm writing this series and I'm responsible for this bit of journalism. if the shit hits the fan, Ill be ready with keyboard and internet!


no worries! getting back in shape just a preogative to getting fit. :) happy to do it with incentives.:)

ah fatt'a fan:

do you know how SHORT i am?!!


oh ho!!! stay tuned! cant answer that question as yet!


i know. but its also all in the mind that most gals would rather help a Rosie than a Tan Kheng Hua retrieve a fax from the fax maxhine, no? that said, i like Tan kheng hua, just in case u are tan kheng hua and Rosie is not fat, just bigger.

wu ah ah:

slack is cos life not interesting enuff to put into words. i have mixed feelings about it becos slacking mean life is perfect.

shun kueh:

stay tuned stay tuned!! more to come. :)

Acey Deucey said...

It's a mahjong term.

It literally means to be enticed into eating a six (to make a sequence) and throw out the therefore extra and useless seven on your hand but end up "tio bao" as a result for that (tio bao = have to pay for everyone's losses).

Some mahjong players can be very sly (not me). They know what you have on your hand and play accordingly to trick you into playing the tile they want.

I was using it to refer to the PPQ and LK situation, because it sounded like LK played a six to entice PPQ's seven.

But, after reading your latest post (part 9), this does not seem to be the case. Thankfully.

Ang Ku Kueh said...


i hope u've read the whole thing, now all the characters all reversed!