Sunday, October 09, 2005

Chronicles of A….vol 1: Why did the snail cross the road?

hi all!


Recently, A took some days off his busy schedule to spent a bit more time with me, so we were out having dinner and taking slow walks. A few funny incidences occurred, but I would like to just put 2 of them down. This 2 I shall keep for my future enjoyment, should I read back what I wrote.

Incident 1:

A and I were walking along a stone path just yesterday in the evening. The night air was very cool after the rain and the foliage on both sides of us were very green, fresh and moist.


Yes, I can see Z leering liao…….how was it that I can actually notice the bloody foliage around me when I could be otherwise engage in other *ahem* activities that are immensely more enjoyable?


Because! We are not in the ulu BT hill nor Botanical gardens, we were walking thru this damn tiny little landscape patch in Raffles place. I confess that I was exaggerating about 'dense' foliage, I was just trying hard to find lomantic scenery out of nothing.



In fact, there wasn’t any bloody dense foliage to hide behind for some hand-held activity. There are only shrubs that reached my waist. On a better day, I could come up with some waist-down activity, but it was rainy...and I'm not a rain person.


There is, also, a traffic camera facing us from across the jammed streets full of horny horning cars and I already know i don't have exhibitionist tendencies...



Hand-in-hand, we strolled till we came upon this one lonely snail travelling across our path.



Digression:


When I was young, my mum often say I walk with a ‘chuay kim’ look, which means ‘looking for gold’ in Hokkien and slang for walking with head down, eyes on floor. Depends on how you see it, it can be both a bad or good habit.


As a bad habit, it contributed to a lot of headaches and black-eyes whenever I walk through a forest of streetlamps. I performed even worse at our HDB void deck- I called it the ‘step step step-bok!’ walk. Yes, because the pillars were bigger, but it didn't make them more visible, only harder to avoid.


There were a few times I walk right into a glass pane at a shopping center just because I was looking down thinking rather than up, where all the action is. Thankfully, I never broke them, said my mum, or she’ll have to pay the damages. I love my mum, I swear, but sometimes, she can be as frank and blunt as I am….which irritates me to no end. But then, when I walked right into the glass pane of Body Shop just last week, I was thinking much along the same line, despite nursing a bump about the size of a quail egg, much to the hilarity of the staff ('no, it's ok, miss, you only smudged the door, are you sure u ok? You worry about your head more, yes?).


On the other hand, I’ve since earned about 30 + dollars in dropped coins and half-buried notes.


Although I dun chuay kim that much anymore (until last week, that is), occasionally I lapse back, especially when there’s some one to hold my hand in his….then there’s no need for 2 pairs of eyes to both see the same road, rite? Rite?!


Ya lor, I think so too, 1 to see where we’re going and the other to earn money and spot manholes….



Because the floor was wet, I was looking downwards because I’m also a Saver of Snails…..aka SOS....kekeke….(Barney would say I’m giving a bloody cold joke right now). But seriously hor, after a rain, all the snails will come out onto the path, so it’s really no joke, it's a real situation.


U know that snails have bad eyesight? Yes, I know they got their pair of itty-bitty ‘antennae’-like thingies with big protruding eyes that makes ppl think they've got some damn powerful goggles. But seriously, snails eyes can only differentiate light and dark. They use the two feelers to swivel around to touch leaf blades and thus move among the grass. Their bottoms, which is a long muscular foot, detect moisture of the grass and the soil, so from 2 points of measure, they navigate their way among the mini-jungle.



That’s why during the rain, just because their paths are still wet, they think it’s still soil…. so they just continue until they undulate right onto the wet stone path and won't actually realise it enough to turn back around.


Then like blind men who are asked to spin around 10 times and had their walking sticks taken, they’ll just walk a rough continuous straight line trying their best to detect landmarks with their feelers out stretched like hands.......



But since they don’t, they just slime straight, getting absolutely lost…



And it’s really better to be an SOS rather than walk with your head held high through a wet path between 2 grass patches. Of cos the long term reward if u were to quietly unhinge them with ur foot and lightly kick them back into the dirt would be that you’ve just saved some blind, frantically scrambling snail (albeit slowly and in a moist kinda way)from being dried out when the sun comes up again. This would earn you some karma or brownie points with whatever religion you associated with.



On the other hand, I go for the instant gratification. The one that comes from knowing that there’s no crunching/ squelching/ mulching/ squishing or any form of cringing sound effects occurring underneath my very thin sole separating my bare naked wriggly toes from the Unfortunate Event.




Because it happened to me once, just when I chose to wear my new spanking flats with its extremely exposed toe bits… I’ve never been able to wear that pair without a shiver of goosebumps since then…


Oh yah, the crunching/squelching noise? It continues for a few more steps after the first contact…


It was an absolute conundrum. I couldn’t bear to continue walking and yet couldn’t bear to lift my feet to view the damage…I was also hopeless to run my sole across the grass to clean it off because I felt so guilty. I felt it was oozing right beneath my feet. The feeling was so grossly intense, I froze for 5 minutes just wondering what I should do….then I cleaned my feet 10 times that night. Really, it’s not something u would love to experience….



Can u imagine stepping on this??!! Posted by Picasa



So SOS hor! Get more Karma, save some lives! However insignificent! You have been sufficiently warned…



Oh shit! Back to the show:


So we were just strolling (hur hur…) down the path when my habit turned out to be a good karma-tic one. If I didn’t stop him, he’d have trodden scrunchingly onto a big fat slimy snail in his way. By the size of that thing, A would have spent the next 3 nights scrubbing between his toes and cringing uncontrollably everytime he laces those shoes for the next 5 years.


The snail, although lost and all alone on the path, is obviously in the right orientation, because it was making a beeline straight for the grass on the other end and is ¾ towards reaching its goal. All things said, if I didn't help it, it would have gotten safely to the grasses in the next hour.


But being the extreme SOS nicety I am, I stopped and gently nudge the snail with my shod foot. I confess to being secretly amused at their suction prowess, because if u nudge too hard, you can actually hear something R(A), although at the same time, u can separate the shells from their bodies.....



So how? well, you’ve got to do it really slowly and skilfully, gently prodding. Until you can tease and softly separate the moist folds of flesh until they are open wide and the wet lips stop suc……



Er……*cough*....



*clears throat* Anyway, back to the story….



Eventually, I er…dislodged the snail and eased its terrified fully retracted body into the shrubs. Then happily, knowing there’s something good to report to the tih-kong when I expire, me and A both continued strolling.


After 2 minutes, A suddenly blurted out into the semi-gloom, his voice unnaturally loud until a cranky motorbike roared by, reminding us we are essentially still in Raffles.


'Why did you do that for?’



‘What? You meaning saving the snail? Oh, because last time, mother say I got this bad habit to ‘chuay kim’…’



‘No no, I understand why you save the snail, dear. I agree with it. But why did u kick it to the wrong side?’



‘What you mean?’



‘U know just now the snail was crawling ¾ to the opposite side rite?’



‘Ya, so?’



‘Er….you kicked it back to where it started, dear’



‘I did?!’



‘Ya…imagine that it actually really want to get to the other side, then how? Maybe before u un-suck un-stuck it, it was thinking, ‘yay! 2 more hours to go!’, rite? then you came along.’



‘oh no! you think so?’



‘I dunno, but what if it wants to visit grandma on the other side and started the journey early in the morn? Then instead of being sent to the nearest correct side of the shrub, this great gigantic toe from the sky suddenly appeared and sent it back to base 1.’



‘Oh! Jidan! Now, we have to go back and look for it!’


*uncertain* ‘er…it’s OK lah, I was just joking…I dun think it would mind. Not really…’


*bursting with self-righteousness* No, dear, you’re rite! We’ve got to find it and toss it to the right side…’


‘er….’


‘yes! Let’s go back! No time to lose!’


********************************



‘Haiz, so much for karma!’ I huffed in disgust 10 mins later after rummaging through the wet shrub hunting down that snail, but to no avail.


And then suddenly a tot struck me.


‘Dear?’

A looked up from chuay-kim-ing, obviously regretful he made that wacky suggestion involving grannies…..


‘Hmmm?’


‘What did you mean by ‘Great Gigantic Toe'?


‘er…………..hahhahahaahha……….......took u that long huh?’



***************************************



Later, a significantly perkier A said, when we were back to strolling hand-in-hand along Boat Quay,




‘Why did the snail cross the road?’




*nonplussed* ‘Er…to get to the other side?’




‘No, because AKK kicked it back.’


.......-__-*..........




I think........I now require somebody to rescue me from too many corny jokers........



Out!

AKK :)

Oh yes, 2nd incident for next time, ya?

31 comments:

AnGel said...

glad that u finally updated. :P tt was hilarious. hehe!! can't wait for the 2nd incident. :D

lancerlord said...

I saw a guy ran into a glass panel. His glasses broke. Not funny. I coul feel his pain.

Good snail joke. Laugh until pengz! :)

Jaschocolate said...

Haha.. your snail post makes me very happy.. haha.. but need to go back and do my work liao.. sianz...

Btw, can leave comments liao.. i turn it off by accident...

stars_of_rain said...

Hahaha.. I'm also a chuay kim kind of person. Especially back in jc, I would chuay kim for millipedes. Stepping on them feels like crunching biscuits. Ew..

On a different note, I think my hamster is dying leh! How how? HELP!!!!! I'm so worried!!

nadnut said...

LOL!

i like the 'why did the snail cross the road' joke!

woman! more girls night out soon!

daniellekris said...

so cute!! hee..
humph but i din get the part abt the "great gigantic toe frm the sky" thing. hope im not slow..

barneysaurus said...

MUhauHUA :D!! It's damn bloody cold lor, the SOS! Your A also seems to have a knack for cold jokes ;) Keep it comin please!!

becca said...

haha! great post, but i hate snails! my friend stepped on one and she was so traumatised.

Winter said...

thanks gal for always making me laff with ur jokes..

myday is brightened up already...

*big grins*

Ang Ku Kueh said...

angel:

hehehe...thanks for dropping by! glad u like it!

lancerlord:

wah lau! I tot it was too corny liao...i wasn't laughing at all, just giving the -__-|| look. hehehe...so u like ah...

chocolove:

hehehe...thankee, i comment liao.:)

stars:

u read my comments in your post? if u want, I can try to help. :) Or even, I can donate my cage to you. :) it's a 2-storey deluxe cage, heheheeh....

nad:

haiz...everyone loves the 'snail' joke....hehehe..when u free? sms lor.:)

danielle:

haiz...the way things are going, i dun think anyone knew what it meant. A just exclaimed that I got a damn big toe and I caught it, unlucky for him, hehehe...

barney:

knack seems to be the right word...in fact, suddenly i find all my frens are suffering from it...

becca:

arrghhh!!! never ever step on one ya?! trauma, I know!!! why u think I'm an SOS now? so that no one will go thru trauma like me, heheheh

vanna:

awwww......*blush*

Li-er said...

You too really amazes me with your stories! Hahaa... And you are really sweet with a tint of sillyness! =)

Jayaxe said...

I know it's not good to compare people but I think you're the female version of Bubblemunche! Haha.

Z said...

How the heck do I even get involved in this story??!!!??

nadnut said...

heh. hmmm. everytime i meet u = eat good food.

*stares at pudgy tummy*

hmmmm. shall we go do some sports?

stars_of_rain said...

Yar, I read the comment. But Xiap Pi passed away yesterday. :'( Anyhow, thanks for your help..

Ang Ku Kueh said...

li-er:

awww....u call me sweet!...i shall ignore the 'silly' part, hahaha...:)


jayaxe:

er....*ahem*...that's about like the best compliment, I've ever recieved leh!!! pwah! like my idol!!! hahahah....

Z:

hahahahaahah.........ur fault lah...now everytime i think koyak, i think of u. geez...that came out wrong...>P

Nad:

hahaha...ya hor! *stares at even pudgier thighs* hmmm....

stars:

oh shit...but your other hammie how? remember there's help here, ya? All the best with ur second one.:)

con` said...

hi.. really love and enjoy reading your blog!! kachuaz introduced me, and i was hooked to the screen for TWO straight hours, just reading through all ur archives, after i read ur latest post =D I'll definitely keep coming back! Keep 'em coming!!

Lynne said...

Oh, so touching, glad that there are people like you, saving all these helpless animals! You no need to find gold anymore lah, you've found a big one liao (aka A)!

Tempest Blue said...

I agree with Jayaxe! Female bubblemunche!

I really admire how you can see so much humour in your life. Its really a great gift!

Ang Ku Kueh said...

con:

heheheh....2 hours trawling my nonsense?! wah lau...i damn honoured, can?! I kowtow to you, I cannot read my own entries, hehehe....

lynne:

hahaha...u are being nice, hehehe...I save them becos I really dun want to step on them anymore, and also to not let anyone suffer with the snail....hey...i AM nice...hhehehee...

tempest:

*wat is Life but a means to Death siah?* knowing that Life for us all shall surely end anyway, why not derive joy from it? :) pwah! i on roll today....

averilchan said...

Damn cute damn cute!!! -thumbs up thumbs up-

I was sniggering to myself after the end of the story... I used to put salt on snails just to watch what happens to them...

Hmmm.... =)

nadnut said...

woman. wanna learn rollerblading? HEH!

2 cuckoo women trying to blade. heh!

wally said...

wow its amazing how even a snail can have sexual connotations... anyway, i've stepped on snails on several occasions already. while i don't exactly enjoy stepping on them, the crunching sounds it makes is not much different from stepping on the twisties snacks - so yah, i'm not exactly disgusted either.

stars_of_rain said...

Thanks~ :)

Ruok said...

this reminds me of the time when my prev biz partner's gf went to our shop to look look see see and end up banging her nose against our glass wall. We later found out that she broke it.

But that still didn't stop us from laughing our asses off, much to the biz partner's chargrin.

joles said...

broke the glass wall or broke her nose? :-S

Zen|th said...

I end up stepping on snails all the time. But sometimes you really can't help it.

Ang Ku Kueh said...

averil:

wah lau! that's terrible! so er...how did it look like? disgusting or not?

wally:

ur twisties lao hong, issit? or ur snail extra-crunchy? mine got crunch and squish altogether in harmony...shudder...

ruok:

wah lau...so bad...hehehhe....

joles:

so bad! hahah...the glass lah!!! hahah...

zenith:

*shudder* heheheh.......

zeenie said...

Loved your post! Made me laugh and made my day. Incidentally, i've been a closet SOS for some time now, 'cos the place where i walk my dog has quite a few. Trying to train her to kick the snails gently back into the grass, to no avail. At least she doesn't step on them either! (otherwise must wash until next week ah, and she'd cringe everytime she sees her leash)

ivanny said...

haha... snails crossing and gigantic toe form the sky eh... ;p

wah so lomantic ar... strolling from raffles to boat quay... lol...

ok thou shall stop teasing akk... in case she becums redder than usual...lol

Ang Ku Kueh said...

zeenie:

heh, teach ur puppy to nudge snails?gosh! when u succeed, must tell me hor!!!

ivanny:

hey! u back from camp liao! heheeh....now if i see ur comment, i shall know the weekend has come and gone....:)