Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Chronicles of C, Vol. II -- Liking older men…

Warning: a rambling post…

Ok ok, I know most of u out there are probably aghast at the title already. Most usually means the younger bunch whose version of right and wrong is still a black/white painting, the morally-upright who paints in black and white and the religious who tries.

I’m here to tell you about my black/white. When I was younger, I was all of the above. It accounted for a lot of things that happened or didn’t happen to me. I saw my world in rights and wrongs and never thought that sometimes grey is a better shade. That means most of the time, I’m almost always a moral prick who, while accepting of others their own pursuits in life, is always tramping on my own adventurous streak.

As I grew older, I often got into fights with my parents, trying to plonk my Views on them. I’d get angry from reading the newspaper about Batam chicks and their S’pore husbands, ugly divorces and murders of passion, ie hubby kills wife because of infidelity. I started viewing from a high moral standing ground while my parents tries to explain away that sometimes, just because this aunty cheated on her hubby, it’s not because she is loose, it’s because…

And then I’d stop listening. Because listening to another side of the story, the aunt’s, would incur my sympathy and understanding. I didn’t want to be understanding, understanding will tip me off my pedestal. Yea, I really was such a prick.

Given a choice between experimenting some different but choosing a stable hard cold place, I’d take the latter.

If I wasn't so myopic, I would have gotten laid when I was 16, clubbing before 18 and probably tried ecstasy during then. Would have left S'pore for an overseas education, pursue the arts rather than science. Writing plays and acting for a living. Taken dance classes and compete.

I could have been such a different person if I wasn't so afraid of being brave.

Which is why I said I was boring. I didn’t really live my life the way I wanted it. I always chose stability and necessary evil over anything else. I had frens tell me they sian-half when I told them some of my near misses. Very hurtful, frens, and all too late to change the storyline. Because of these misses, I read and derive sensationalism and dissociation by reading instead.

I wished I had taken those steps though, just to make my life go out of line, just to plunge it into uncertainty, just to experience the emotional turmoil that might follow.

Why not? There’s only one life to live. People say to learn from other’s mistakes. Perhaps in work, that’s true. But Life? How do you truly learn other’s mistakes when you aren’t living theirs? Everyone has a different approach to problem-solving, everyone has a different set of solutions and choice with each same action.

So why am I saying all these? From my ‘hunky-dory’ voice blog to an abrupt question that I might have chosen my Life choices somewhat regretfully?

Because when you live Life through learning the mistakes of others, you are living life like a watered down teh-ping. Tasteless and dull. No life experiences to concentrate the tea and lots of one-side (meaning my own side) versions of the stories/mistakes melting like ice.

I’m not advocating young gals out there to take all that life is giving, the good, the bad, the ugly. I’m just saying that life isn’t all black nor white, so listen to both sides and decide the shade of grey it should be. Make informed choices and provisions for any losses that may occur.

And accept your frens for their own choices. Only leave them when they are too extreme and are influencing you the wrong way, like drugs, wrist-cutting, paid sex, destroying your relationship with your family etc etc. you know what I mean.

Some things are just black, and that includes people.

Why the title? Because it’s true. I have found in me the capacity to be attracted, even in holy matrimony, to another person way older. And I know exactly why.

Because I like his abandonment and his joy and lack of reserve. Ironically, I like his youthful outlook in Life in one so advanced in years when I cannot like the same attitude in someone younger.

I read in a book that infidelity is being unfaithful in your thoughts. Having thoughts you don’t share with your loved one but willingly tell another.

Oops! I am confused. So was I being infidel when I was…

1) Admiring my older colleague’s chest?
2) Fantasizing about having Daniel Wu tied and strapped naked to my bed?
3) Taking second glances at some of the more distinguished-looking Profs?
4) Listening in delight at the lilting melodic Scottish burr of another older colleague?

And deciding I should tell everyone here but my own adorable A?

Huh. Tough.

And then I have read that being attracted to another person even when married is a very common occurrence. Apparently I am among the millions and am truly the norm, the bulge in the middle of their demograph. I can admire men, their bods, their looks, in the privacy of my own thoughts.

And then it says, unfaithfulness is a matter of action. As long as you don’t act on it, you are not.

How grateful I was to read about it! I did not marry the wrong man! I am not unfaithful!

What I meant to say is, really, is that I can see why C likes that guy. She and I have come a long way and in terms of being nice and decent, we could have been nuns. At the very least, I was sex-deprived and I knew it and took pains to stopper it. She, on the other hand, was pure as snow, nary a bad, red-hot thought.

And on the question of being unfaithful, of being the 3rd party, of being in society’s assumption of black, is the question of how much of the other person’s story you want to hear and accept.

Remember the tale of the Emperor with No Clothes? It could have been the story of the Bad Boy who Spoke Disrespectfully of the Emperor, or the tale of the Town who Promoted Nudity or the Tale of the Emperor and his Big Pink.... Butt, even the tale of The Year All the Sheep Died.

It is not a matter of how black or how white.

It is a matter of how far back and how little of the story you want to hear.

How much will you hear before you judge?



Winter said...

sometimes hearing all of the story will not make me believe & soften towards it. it's hard to do it though.

i always believe that we are responsible for every of our actions. If the day comes and I decided to act against everyone's views to do what I am going to do is wrong, I should answer to it.

Sometimes by falling & hurting ourselves makes us learn faster.

We all hope that we can pull our friends out of trouble. But the problem is that not everyone will listen because they already have decided to go along with the wrong decision.

Based on my own experience, by being harsh or firm, we might lose the friend because the friend will not approach us anymore knowing the kind of things you will say.

In the meantime, I am so glad that you are BACK! :)

wally said...

Wish I could leave a longer comment but I'm really overdue for bed. Interesting thought-provoking post. I'll post a comment again. Good to see u writing again.

Jay "Older" Walk said...

Let he without sin, cast the first stone.

Our friends, be they in the black or in the white are ultimately still our friends.

While we can't tell them how to lead their lives (and neither should they us), we can however, stay within range to catch them should they fall.

They may be doing something that you don't agree with but have you asked if he/she is happy?

We should celebrate our friend's joy and comfort their sorrow.

We are all adults now and should know that we are liable for the consequences of all our actions and decision.

Be careful against making the mistake of being holier-than-thou.

Sibeh Sian said...

You are suffering from premature mid-life crisis!

Anyway, I think you are right: unfaithfulness is really a matter of actions rather than thoughts, unless these thoughts crosses over the threshold to become obsessions (wah, I sound so deep sia :D!). Otherwise, most men would be considered unfaithful just because they ogle at some Sweet Young Thing on a magazine.

Oh well. That's life.

wally said...

Agree with sibeh sian here on everything, except the mid-life crisis. You're actually suffereing from quarter life crisis. I suffered that a while ago, dunno why your one so delayed...

if you don't already know, i was very much like you in the past. everything black and white. which was why i liked science. physics mostly not bio. because bio must write essays, not exactly black/white...

i was a prick too. hey, they say "birds" of a feather flock together. Except I couldn't have gotten laid when I was 16.

I also think I'm kinda boring. Watched this movie trailer of a show (forgot the title) about a man having his whole life planned out for him; he's engaged to a really beautiful lady who loves him, but then he just craves to do something diffrent, and falls for another woman. Dunno how it ends, but I can kinda feel (a little weakly though) the urge to take chances, to live life without too much consideration for yourself or for others.

I don't have any advice regarding friends... so... moving on.

Regarding extra-maritial affairs... I don't think I judge people. I don't want to know the story; I don't want to know who's right or wrong.

Watched this korean movie on an SIA flight. forgot the title again. but it was about this prostitute who came to a new town. a guy falls in love with her, wins her over, and marries her. then her ex-husband tracks her down, and she runs away from home, becomes a prostitute again. then current husband finds out she has aids, but cannot track her down. she gets caught by police after a year, and she get charged for intentionally spreading aids. the story goes on... but what i meant to say is that people judge that the prostitute's a criminal. the movie showed the human side of her.

Mumbo jumbo said...

hey wads the word to get tht josh to kiss me?

Mumbo jumbo said...

i cant get it!!

nadnut said...

hmmm. i have heard true accounts from friends who have been broken up by third parties and even been the third parties themselves. i guess, there is really no right or wrong sometimes.

and if one deems unfaithfulness by thoughts, i would have been unfaithful many times over drooling over pictures of cute guys on magazines. :X

anyway, hugs babe. dinner sometime soon? :)

ah fatt's fan said...

I'm now fantasizng over AKK. Am i being unfaithful??

Ang Ku Kueh said...


ya, i'm advopcating the shut-up approach, but seriously sometimes i feel like wringing their necks. but cannot do lah, what if one day, it's my turn?


i know about the -if they happy, let them have it. i would like to think like that too, cos it's my own choice anad life

1 thought- how about the kids?


and i bet you must have been one of those ooglers. worries, i oogle too.


nah, not boring. take it from me.:)

mumbo jumbo:



oh yes! time to meet up! when u free???

ah fatt's fan:
wah....first time got guy fantasize abt me...*burst into tears* or was it the food?

Anonymous said...

how funny - I was recently in that situation myself. I am also 'recently' married, and within weeks of being married, someone 'new' started paying attention to me and viola, I fell for him. It's different from admiring/oogling pictures of handsome, sexy creatures in magazines and movies, I think.

Anyway, I agonised about it, I never thought such things would happen to me, and I was in two minds; one, I was so flattered that such things could happen to me, and of course, the other side of me was horrified that I was even contemplating it as an option!

Things didn't 'happen'. Things nearly did happen. I've had counselling and have since figured that although I didn't physically stray, I did emotionally stray and that the reasons for this were to do with my relationship with my husband.

Things have greatly improved with my husband and we're very happy. I do occasionally think back to what happened and ponder the 'what-ifs'.

I've also since refrained from judging, both myself and others. It's quite difficult actually, because when you hear of other people's marriages/relationships breaking up, and one of them is a friend of yours, you feel compelled to say that your friend was so wronged. but it's difficult. because you aren't living their lives, and no matter what your friend says about their cheating partner, I can't bring myself to agree, because there is so much I don't know about their relationship.

Anyways, glad you've taken off your 'myopic' view of life. Life really isn't all that clear cut!

nadnut said...

anytime babe for u :)