Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sometimes i wish I wasn't so...

Sometimes i wish I wasn't so.....

1. Affected by the comments and no. of comments on my blog and to the comments to my comments in others' blogs.

I made a blog so that i could comment on Bubblemunche, which was how bublemunche started, so he could comment in Xiaxue's blog. Even so, i was impressed by the constant attention ppl paid him, because he's really good at what he writes. but then, after i surfed around more, i begin to see that a lot of other ppl's blog were as good, even better than him. But because they don't care or are underexposed, they don't get the same amount of attention.

OTOH, some blogs like Xia xue, though interesting, are never much attractive to me. Sure, the pics were pretty and she's beautiful, but i wasn't glued that way i was glued to some others. Somehow i don't like to read about her real Life, about the bitchiness of it, about the honesty of it and the cynical way of it.
Aren't we all living that kind of Life already? The bad, cynical, back-stabbing, political world so full of prejudice among us. Who's gotten fatter? Slimmer? Bustier?Who got married? Attached? Broken up? Who got sick? Cancer? Sex? Pregnant? Yes, lay it all down, put it all in, Ppl will read you and absorb you, criticise you or exalt you. But don't you feel drained and sucked dry?
Put on those shades wherever you go.
Tired Eyebags, Celebrity status, 2 birds with a stone.

What's her catch? What's her deal? But I know her sell, honesty sells, bitchiness sells, reality TV sells, Life itself sells.... if I wasn't so afraid, if I was as pretty, I'd do it unabashedly like her, but who're we kidding, eh? I know my motivation was wrong, i know that i write well for somebody new, but still, i look at my entry comments the way i pray for my test grades.

It's really so wrong, the reason behind the blogging, the need for attention in this huge WWW, but I can't help myself. So I told a few friends about it, i hope they'd write something, but being friends in real-life sometimes mean that they don't connect cybernetically. They'd rather call and tell you, or say it to your face, but they don't leave a note, which I want them to more than the first 2. So shallow ah? Sigh...

2. Sensitive during PMS...

i think there should be a law to keep women from mouthing off the week preceding menses. I think many things have been accredited to that sudden burst of temper over a normally minor accident. Note: who dared to leave pee on the toilet seat? Again?! *Huff Huff KA-BOOM!!!*

Hormones get charged up, ready to spew forth in ugly words and bitter feelings in an instant. I think I'm pre-conditioned like that, I try to keep words to a minimal during this time, but i'm feel like I'm like dry tinder, i flare almost instantly and regret immdeiately. then i suffer from feeling guilty and resentful with my wicked pouting self because the rest of the 3 weeks i've been such a good, fairly reasonable and sensible adult.

Buddha forgive me....except Buddha had probably tweaked his eyebrow at me and say, 'Woman, there's nothing to forgive, you know the rules, you've got to reap what you sow, baby...'

So....I keep quiet and write it all down now in a Blog instead....

Same content but different output,

Pain also, slap with your hand or jab with your foot.

3. blue today on a extremely fine rainy sunday morning.

I think it's the height of stupidity to point a middle finger at the sky and curse at impersonal thunder clouds and dripping water. Like Mojo-Jojo who screams, 'CURSES!' everytime the powerpuff girls beat him to a pulp.

Blossoms, Bubbles and Buttercup are just doing their job (-Dedicate their life to Fighting crime and the Forces of Evil!- da da da da da da daAAA!!!). Mr cloud is making sure we have drinkable water tucked up in McRitchie and to aid Mr Sargeant in his Chiong Suah Jungle training in Bukit Timah Reserve.

But like Mojo, I've got plans too! Not to take over the world (tho that comes a close third, right after get more visitors to blog). I wanted to go swimming, I've waited to go swimming all week, swimming's what i do on Sunday afternoons! I've been huddling at home, trying to churn words for a dissertation when the sun was out blasting Singaporeans to golden-brown the whole of the work-week, and yet, the day of rest, on Sabbath Day, I get pimply sky and lightning....

So I did my favourite impressionism - height of Stupidity - at the nothing in the sky.

Of cos the rain didn't let up. It became sleet...

Curse the rock for tripping you over

But right in front, how come no manhole cover?

4. Disgusted with the state of this blog entry.

OK, I admit! it's my first depessing entry. I, who pride myself on churning out happy-bunnies-go-play-under-rainbow entries no matter the aggravation (read: colleague), am in this instant, succumbing to happy-bunnies-ravaged-by-wolves-I'm-so-sorry-eulogy. I, whose a eternally optimistic, right-hand-held-by-Entity-of-Chinese-Origin (Blessed), happy-go-lucky, Yippee and Wahoo person, just spend a wasteful hour on a rainy Sunday writing something I'm not proud of....and getting it published. May the blowing winds cool my fevered brow and the pelting rain smack angry face. After I log off, I shall calm down and go back to work.

You'd think, that, a Bunny is a Cute Bunny ia s Happy Bunny

But they've got their Breaks, you know they eat their own Sonnys?

Perhaps rain today is not too bad.

Perhaps tomorrow will be sunny, I'll take my chances.

Perhaps there really is something about xiaxue afterall.

I'm going off to watch Cartoon Network...

Off till PMS roll over!

AKK out


Jayaxe said...

To be honest, I also wanted to be popular like Xiaxue when I first started blogging (hence those initally crappy entries), but I thought it's not easy and I'd rather stick to whatever I want to blog about, which may or may not interest people.

Ang Ku Kueh said...

To jayaxe

That was like the fastest comment i ever got...i was still editing when u commented. Thanks so much, apart from the innane lame 2-liner peotry, nothing's changed. You know what? i think your entries are very interesting. Sometimes they are short but meaningful. i added a link, hope you don't mind. :)

Jayaxe said...

Of course I don't mind, I linked you too!

Blah! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Blah! said...

It's safe to say that u're not alone AKK. Back when I first started blogging, i was happy to just pen my thoughts. But when I read other blogs that garnered numerous comments, i started to get envious and went "Waaah! I wanna be popular too!" I even told a few of my friends about my blog, but they hardly left any comments.

I even realised there are phantom readers. You know they're the ones who visit ur blog, but never leave comments. I also wonder "Why liddat ah?" They find my blog intriguing (though it's arguable) enough to read, but not enough to leave a comment?

But then i realised it's not what i really want. Sure it feels great to actually have someone notice ur blog n bother to say something about it. But it is not everything. And it is never easy to appeal to a mass audience either. Fame itself is a double-edged sword. People like Xiaxue may have her legion of over-zealous fans, but she does have her fair share of haters too.

So just be yourself. And for what it's worth, you have found a fan in me. And oh, hope u recover from ur PMS soon, girl.

Ang Ku Kueh said...

Hey Yan,

I think you r really sweet. And very right! I know I shouldn't be bogged down, so i'm trying my best to forget about the whole popularity deal. It's much easier and more honest to write about what u like, instead of what others think is interesting. I realised that now....

And I have you (and Jayaxe, of cos) to thank for.

The sun is shining today!
shall go swimming!