AKK's debut Album!

Debut Finally Out!!! Eagerly Anticipated!



Hi all!


AKK has finally released a singles entitled 'I want my Jih Pa Ban', inclusive of a full length hokkien gwa and a short 5 sec remix. an additional bonus track of 'Vision of Love' originally sung by Mariah Carey is also available in here!

Listen now and be amused disgusted in pain amazed!


Commentary, pls listen before any further action.

AKK's full length JPB song

Special Remix 5secs

Bonus track 'Vison of Love' by Mariah Carey

Privacy protected! Singer is not resposible for any ear heamorrhage, deafness, mutations nor twitching limbs. Listen with caution. Treat your PC/Lappy/iMac with respect. Always know where the 'mute' button is at all times.....


out!

AKK

Dammit!

Another Casualty! It's turning out to be a frigthening contagion....


When will it be my turn?

.......


Down and out,

AKK :(

Why Ang Ku Kueh is Ang Ku Kueh…

Hi al!


Many have speculated that it is because my Sirname is Ang, I’m Nonya and I love my Peranakan desserts...........

Well, ppl, you can’t be further away from the truth............




And the Truth, is more inane than you think............

***************************************

*In sec 2....*




Class president: Oy, Kueh, we have to design a T-shirt for our class this year leh.

Kueh: er…why u telling me?

Class president: becos we all know u very artistic and talented and can depend on you for a great design.

Kueh: oh wow…thanks for the compliment.

Class president: and also because the whole class all drew lots during recess yesterday and you got the only paper slip with the red dot out of 35.

Kueh: eh? I got chosen? .... But I was on MC yesterday.

Class president: well, as the class representative, I drew for you mah.

Kueh: …….

Class President: Anyway, we class 2I, so make sure u get a good class name. Done?

Kueh: Okie, Autocrat.

Class President: That’s Dictator to you, girl.





*Next day………*




Kueh: hey all! I’ve got a few class names I’m gonna read out, okie? So just raise your hands to the names you like best and we shall make it a true democratic societal decision.

*clears throat*

Kueh: Here goes! I in Class 2I stands for

1. Intense

2. Incandescent….Hur hur….

3. Indignant

4. Inside-out….we only allowed to wear the shirt during sports-day mah….hur hur…

5. Ignorance….no, I didn’t read wrongly lah…

6. Igneous…..

*pause*

no, not Ingenious, Loh-Mai-Gai........ Ig-nee-ous. Like rocks? Yes, Rocks! Like we 2-Igneous, rite? So our class Rocks lah.............hur hur............yah..........Quite brilliant hor........

7. Indigenous..........

*another pause*

Yes yes, as in In-dig-gee-nous ppl, like the Aboriginals in Australia and the orang laut in Malaysia… we also indigenous to the class wat…Natives of Class 2I mah….hur hur…yah, this one also brilliant….




And now my Favourite one, which I already have a ready-made design for, of which I’ve already customed the font and sizing for and which, if you choose it, I shall immediately call the shop to ‘ok’ the printing of 35 shirts for…ready?





8. .........Ikan Bilis!

*Silence…Crickets in the background*




Kueh: OKie, now, we take the votes, just in case you guys forget the words we are voting for, I’ll write the last one down on the board…




*10 minutes later…*




Kueh: No? Really no? U sure about this? Dun wan ‘Ikan Bilis’? It’s quite cute wat! Why u all so stubborn! Cannot! ‘Ingenious’ so ordinary! It’s not even on the list! Who say it’s better than ‘Ikan Bilis’. I heard that, Zhu-Bee-Beh! Don’t call me Chairman Kueh! I hamtam u! I make you sing Mari-kita! President! Tell the class to accept ‘Ikan Bilis’! No Ikan Bilis, not shirt! Hah! See what u can do about that?!

*small scuffle*

Kueh: President? President? Oy! What u doin’?! Unhand me this instant! You guys are making a big mistake! It’s a conspiracy! I dun want to go toilet break! I hear u, Hum-Chee-Peng! I’m pissed, not piss! Argghh!! I demand a recount! I demand artistic freedom! Arrrgghhh…



*2 months later …. *




Kueh: *bored and sarcastic* please come collect your ‘Ingenious’ shirts, very ‘Ingenious’ your shirts are, ‘Ingenious’-ly original, no one could guess class 2I is 2-‘Ingenious’. Ohh Noo….so inspiring, we’ll win the competition for best name definitely; after all, we are so ‘ingenious’ to name ourselves ‘ingenious’. Oh yes, so much better-sounding than the cute, salty Ikan Bilis …I so agree….

*sniggering in the background...*

Kueh: Oy! I heard u, Ang-Dau-Teng! You think your art so good, issit? U know how long it took me to change the design from Ikan Bilis to ‘ingenious’ or not? Huh?! You know how difficult it is to colour the design or not, I got draw rainbow also! See the nice arch, that’s the rainbow! What u know about art?! Wah lau! U blind! Norhhhh, this arch! Here! Ooooo….sarcastic now, aren’t we, Ew-Zha-Kueh! So it’s a white slab! My fault, issit? The shop only can do black/white mah! Blame me! Everything blame me! You guys need me, I shall be hiding in the toilet crying my eyes out!

*1 year later, sec 3….*



New Class president: ay, I hear u designed the T-shirt for class 2-Ingenious.

Kueh: Yup, not bad, right, the T-shirt?

New Class President: The design Ok lah, but the naming was fantastic!

Kueh: ……

New Class President: So, how about designing a T-shirt again this year?

Kueh: Do I get carte blanche?

New Class President: Huh?

Kueh: I mean, do I get the right to finalise all details?

New Class President: Why, sure! Democratically, of cos.

Kueh: Okie! I’ll do it!

New Class president: Great! So get a list of names for 3A and present them to the class by next week. Deadline for T-shirt is 2 months.

*2 months later….*




Kueh: *bored and sarcastic* Go on, come collect your ‘Awesome’ shirts. Very ‘Awesome’ shirts they are…inspiring, is ‘awesome’. *yawn* Absolutely spewing with creativity. Yes, make my day, let me re-design the T-shirt all over again! ‘Ang Ku Kueh’ is a damn fine name what... Soft, squishy and sticky, wat’s there not to like?

*whispering in background*

Kueh: Oh great! I heard you, Lek-Tau-Teng! It's not my fault the Ang ku kueh design became 2 big white blobs in front mah, the shop does black/white only wat! My fault it looked like bra cups, issit?! I may be relegated to vice-T-Shirt chairman now, but I still can wallop your sorry ass! Wanna piece of me?!! Huh?! Come and get me!!!

*scuffling...*

Kueh: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaa! I kick your butt! Kick kick! Class president? What are you doing?! Unhand me! Noooo..............I want Ang Ku Kueeehhhhh.........

*class door slams…..Screaming subsides…….*

My dream was unfulfilled, so this is why I call my self Ang Ku Kueh…

Out!

AKK

Mission impossible - The view to a Kill...

hi all!!!

Recently, A and I went out again..... of cos, no need to say, we held hands this time. I feel like a 15 yr old on her first date, can? The feeling is fabulous and as long as u dun look at my face, u’d probably think I’m that age, the way I was behaving.

It was quite disgusting, but I cannot help. Every single little thing about him makes me happy. See him smile make me happy. See his hand clasp mine, happy.....see him wear polo-tee again, happy.......See him eat McDonald’s Big and Tasty.....happier........






Huge mouthfuls with slow chewing, utterly enjoying every bite.....







If he makes love the way he eats, I kena strike lottery........Oooooo......






I admit that there were other things to be happy abt. As I said the last time, A is my PE teacher crush from Uni, since he’s a swimmer hailing from AC. And we do know their supposed reputations, don’t we? *wink*


Actually, it’s all a local urban myth lah. The one that says that AC swimmers got damn bloody lovable bodies (this is not an R(A) site, or I would have said something cruder).

Muahahaha…then it’s pretty obvious what we are gonna talk abt, rite?

Today’s topic is abt ---------Mission-impossible-------the assignation to peek on A’s ‘supposed’ washboard abs.



Does he or does he not have any?




*dum- dum- DUMMMM......*



All the while we went out, talked, behave like frens, fingers brushing each other or hands clasping, he’s probably thinking:

AKK is so peaceful and serene, even shy, what a decent girlfren I’ve got.


He'll never know that the real AKK's mind is as dirty as a toxic waste dump. It has to be the many years of living in repression and sex-deprivation (26 bloody years of it!).


And come on lah, let's be frank, who ever likes a prudish blogger, ya? Why, I'm not prudish, hell no! in fact, while he’s sitting there so calmly munching off on his Big and Tasty, I was eyeing him like he’s my up-sized Beef Whopper.........


Hot Damn! There was a million different ways that sweet kiss could have spewed into something sleazier, dirtier and much more exciting-er......


And best of all, this glorious Swimmer is ALL MINE!!!! MINE!!!!


Woohooo!!!!!!


So since sooner or later, he shall be bodily mine (I believe in not wasting time), I’m kinda dying to find out if he still and does have this startling deep abs from the last time I saw him at the pool.


Not that it seriously matters lah, but it’d be nice to know, rite? So I can prepare myself, rite? And not faint from excitement and miss the whole experience, RITE? Yea! I know you guys would understand!




He had his throat bared in the hot weather.........


Gosh.....if only polo tees had more buttons......... So I was nibbling on a French fry when my eyes just started wondering down his chest......


I was trying to ‘power up!’ my X-ray vision when I suddenly heard him say,



‘What are you doing?’




Obviously he found my squinting eyes and fierce concentration on his stomach slightly disconcerting. Either that or he knows exactly what I was thinking of, because he followed that question up with a lazy smile.....


I hastily powered-down and gave him a slightly cock-eyed smile back..........mission failed first round.......


Throughout the rest of the date, which involved shopping in Orchard and a movie, I was constantly trying to brainstorm ways to find out the existence of that elusive flatbed of flesh. We were holding hands, so I tried bumping myself against him a couple of times, trying to get the flat of my clasped hand to accidentally brush his abs, before turning around to scold a bewildered shopper for pushing too close....


I was failing miserably, although I think the bumps were having a wondrous effect on him. He became more concerned with my heels, asking me to be careful when climbing stairs and in 1 case, pointing out a 10cm open drain and informing me that it’s 1 m ahead of me.........


But in all these cases, his hand would snake around the small of my back to guide me along, so I guess it’s a bonus of sorts .......



The end of the day ended with a nice dinner at Raffles Hotel. By then, I was totally discouraged. Nothing sort of announcing it outright my intentions could get my hands that piece of (still supposed) treasure.



He must have noticed my downcast eyes glumly looking at the cars whizzing by as we walked back, for he started asking, ‘Hey Dear (yayy!), why so glum? was dinner terrible?’


‘Oh no no! Dinner’s Great!’ I perked myself and smiled winsomely, after all it wasn’t his fault I’m such a dunce. ‘And you? how's dinner? OK?’


‘The best!’ he sparkled, warming to his favorite topic, ‘I've never been so full!’



Then without further ado, he did it:


In front of my eyes, he matter-of-factly put his hand on his tummy and began to rub it in cirlces..........



He was using the hand that was holding mine.........



The back of my hand felt like it was rolling pass .......3 .........humungous ............speedbumps.......



Going up.........bonk bonk bonk! Coming down........bonk bonk bonk!



I was in thrilling euphoria just imagining the million hundred images how his speedbumps (new name for his abs!) looked like.......I felt faint all over.....







Then I saw his face......he had that lazy smile again........


Seeing me blush at the excitment his tummy alone had caused, he burst out laughing while he continued rubbing the back of my hand against those speedbumps, trying to set it on fire ......


I also started laughing through the blaze of deep-red blushing before we ended up giving each other a big hug.....I was beyond redemption and beyond embarassment....



‘Arrghh!! How did you know?!’




‘Since you start bumping me even when there were no crowds and you were scolding thin air......’




‘Damn! So embarrassing.’




‘Don’t worry, next time I’ll try bumping back to see if you were wearing a maximiser.’




‘Hahahahahah...I'm...’




‘Don’t tell me yet! I’ll find out myself….Next time, just ask, OK? I try my best to accommodate, hahahaha........’



‘OK.....erm……can I put my hand under your shirt?’



‘Be my guest.........’




And that, frens, is how I found out, with my own hand, for the first time, how a 6 pack felt like, a case of Mission Impossible becoming Possible. Anything is Possible, even to somebody like me........



Out!



AKK





Heheheh.....anyone caring to expound views on the AC urban myth is free to do so. I'm always open to opinions about other schools, espcially if they come attached with pictures of hotbods to prove a point. pls send team photos (must be in swimming trunks) to akkueh@gmail.com. I'll post them up.

Ay ay! Got microphone or not? Lend, can?

hi all!!!



very exciting! after a few months of rushing after ppl to understand some technical know-how, I finally got my own voice blog !!!!!




yayyyy!!! (or not)





AKK nervous nervous nervous.....





that's all! enjoy! (or not)


out!


AKK

Hokkien and proud of it....

Hi all!


today I just wanna introduce u guys to this hokkien song. I've heard it like 5 times already and already I feel very glad I am a Hokkien Lang. Like the french language, which is so chio and atas that even when the French swear at you, u think they are being friendly, Hokkien dialect is the devil's counterpart. Hokkien langs sound like they just cursed ur ancestors when they only wanna be friends.

in case u dun understand, Galvin's entry includes a comprehensive and very literal translation in English, so no worries.


As with all Hokkien songs hor, this is one of the quite good ones liao. In fact, my bro just told me that the KaraOke lounge he went to had this song too! oh yea! so I'm learning the lyrics properly rite now for my crooning session next weekend. My frens are sooooo going to die of asphxiation.....

For all those who are happily Hokkien already, pls go click on the 'ZAP!' button and tiah gwa!


Proud to be Hokkien! wah lau! wah lan! wah lan-eh!

AKK

Promises are to be kept!

Hi all!!!



I promised an NDP preview blog! here it is! i admit this is late, but hell, u'll forgive me in the end....



I went to the NDP preview with A. Both of us are virgins.......NDP virgins, I mean (hahaha…what were u thinking ay? AY??!!). For all those years that he worked in the SAF, he’s only ever had the NDP preview tickets twice in his Life. 1st time was last year, which he told me he gave to the sweet cleaner aunty to go with her uncle.




Why? Becos he didn’t have anyone to go with.........



....Oh gosh......can somebody find me a hammer to whack this guy? Who cares about having somebody beside them at the NDP grounds when so many exciting things are happening right in front at the stage??!!







The sea of Red Patriots!


So when I knew he had the tickets, I shamelessly invited myself along by telling him I want to go. For a moment there, he was quite astounded that I’m so straightforward, until I continued,



‘If u dun wan to go with me and dun wan to go yourself.....Can u pass me both tickets?’



I’m so bad lor........But I never ever had the chance to watch NDP live with my very own eyes leh. Once I was involved in the proceedings all dressed as an uprooted carrot (no kidding......), but we were always asked to squat outside the padang until it’s time for us to run in and jiggle, so I never truly saw the whole event unfolding...........

So this time, I open my piggy eyes big-big.


The things I see:

a) This pimply young man all dressed in white shirt, white pants and brown belt (PAP get-up!) appeared at the top of the stairs of the VIP area and walked down, pretending to be the PM during a ‘simulation’. It was clear he was embarrassed becos Gurmit Singh kept referring to him as PM Goh.

It was also clear that he was badly tekan-ed for the job becos he looked a bit lost. Another young guy simulated the entrance of the MPs. This one obviously volunteered himself to appear on National TV, becos he walked to his supposed seat while waving to the crowd like the Queen..........

b) During the inspection, 1 navy SAF personnel who had been standing on attention just dropped onto the tarmac face-first and zonked out. Medics rushed from 2 entrances and carted him off in front of the Parliament Speaker..........

c) The tarmac they placed over the padang was wet with the rain........so actually, the participants were slipping and sliding all over the wet floor. One lad dressed as a flower tripped and created a slight domino effect becos he was the first person running into the padang and being a flower in full bloom, was ‘spread’ very widely.
So we saw a row of big flowers go down in a small heap over each other.

We also saw one model bird do a nose-dive when his man-holder fell, so the pole was snapped into 2 and he had to finish the dance with his birdie at half mast from everyone else’s. (eh...........sounds a hell lot worse written down......)

d) We saw a bunch of little sec school kids dressed as bunnies running across the padang. Since it’s a bunny suit, u can imagine that thing got no road holding, so they kinda tumble over each other also....it’s very cute and disturbing to see at the same time......

e) The fireworks.........enough said.





Endless Fireworks...


Half-way between the fireworks, A turned and shouted something to me. Since I was busy doing the following things .......


- mouth-gaping
- eye open big big
- neck craning at the sky
- screaming and cheering with each burst of fireworks.

Obviously I wasn’t listening...........I just went ‘Yayyyy!!!!’ and ‘Woohoooo!!!!!’ and Screamed (!!!) Every time the sky bursts in hundred different colours. So he shouted again and we kinda went back and forth for a while.........




‘What?!’




‘Will u.........be.........’




‘Huh?! Oh look! Big pink flower in the sky!!!!! Yayyyy!!!!!!!’




‘I said!..........be............?’



‘OOOhhhhhh!!!! See that?!! See that?!!! So pretty!!!!! Green!!!!’ *scream*







the green fireworks....





Then I guess A got a bit exasperated with the whole padang for the screaming patriots (me included), so he turn back to face the fireworks and suddenly, I felt his fingers gliding onto my palm (the one not frantically waving the flag).






I froze and looked at him........

Knowing he finally had my full attention, he turned to me and grinned.






And squeezed my hand in his.






And in the midst of all the ongoing fireworks and the cheering, my world went slow-mo, like it does when something important is going to happen............i cannot hear him, but I see his lips mouth the words..........












.......Will.......... you............. be.........mine............?










As suddenly as it slowed, Sound rushed back again in a whoosh.....I turned to see if anyone else had notice that Matrix-moment, but the crowd was cheering on and the fireworks kept going. Only A and me had been trapped momentarily in a silent world..........

His eyes locked mine and held my gaze back. I felt his cool palm grip more tightly.







I could feel my face lit up in bright red blush of heat at my sudden shyness and inability to speak. I let the moment run a while longer than was necessary.........in the absence of an answer, he suddenly seemed less sure. At the same time, I can see his neck colouring up like me......

1st time I saw the fireworks burst this close to my face.....

1st time I watch the para-troopers churn the sky directly above my head......

1st time I was caught with hitherto-unfounded bashfulness.....

1st time I saw A so uncertain......

It was a day of many revelations.







Then I see his eyes begin to slide away.............I felt his palm loosen............








During times of stress, sometimes the body takes over because the brain refuses to function. Whatever it was that made my brain stopper my mouth, I did not know, but in that instant his hand slid away, my body decided to free its restraints............








I reached over to grasp his escaping hand and with my other hand (still holding the flag), I palmed his face back to me............








You cannot let one guy do all the work just becos you are a girl................






I held his face close to me and kissed him at the corner of his surprised mouth........






Sometimes a gal just has to take the initiative........


..............And make a grab for happiness with her own 2 hands.

Out!

AKK

Haven’t u heard of the TauSuan theory?

EDITED!!!!!!

Hi all!!!



A fren of mine has been chatting with me on MSN recently. He was modestly trying to get me to understand that he has no admirers. Since I know him and know his vital stats...........ok, so I dun know his vital stats...........but will BMI do? He’s 172 and 59 kg, so u’ll do the maths. We are talking abt a pretty fit person here who is not skinny and pleasingly turned out. It’s a wonder why somebody who looked like he does can actually be so clueless.....



We were going in circles. Me telling him he’s really quite a catch and him telling me otherwise, until I got fluffed! I’ve decided to pass on to him an ancient knowledge that I’ve gleaned from the sunny hills of Bukit Timah during my scholarly days. I’ve decided I shall forward him this knowledge that has been founded by me and me alone, in order to bring him peace and happiness....



And of cos, to make him quit this inferiority complex.....



Then I decided, after he has received enlightenment..........why stop now?



I find that all of us have the tendency to fall back on our small nuances of errors. It is true that we can only see the tiny misgivings of ourselves and cannot understand that on the whole, we all are incredibly attractive.......



Yes, it's true! Believe me! Becos I shall show u now!



Drum roll, pls *rrrrrrrrrrr…….*



I, AKK, humbly present to you all,

The TauSuan (aka Yellow bean paste aka TS) theory




Once upon a time,

In the faraway land of BT hill, there lived a nun in a communist co-ed monastery named Kueh. Kueh studied ancient texts in a classroom environment filled with young novices like her. Among these novice was a young monk named TauSuan. While he was not out-right bullish, he managed to make everybody feel stupid abt themselves, not becos he was a crackpot or a smartass. TauSuan basically just likes to laugh at anyone who is talking to him in a slightly offensive manner.


To Kueh, it meant that everytime she had to talk to him, he always made her feel stoopid by laughing and pointing at her for no reason at all.

Soon, it was obvious to Kueh that TauSuan cannot be tolerated, so she left him alone to demonstrate his laughing streak on other novices.


Then one day, Kueh overheard the other class nuns discussing about TauSuan during communal lunch. Curious, she shifted her porridge bowl over and joined the conversation.......



To her horror, in the space of 10 minutes, she found out an absolutely horrendous revelation. Monk TauSuan had, without his knowledge, acquired the hearts of 5 nuns and made them moon over him (and their uneaten porridge). That many admirers, all of whom were decent sweet nuns, all of them, without even trying to be nice!!



Nun Kueh felt totally suckered.



She was so bewildered, she hurriedly left to quiet her thoughts under the monastery’s only living Palm tree. She was so bewildered by the news that she proceeded to kick out a high-order monk also seeking enlightened under a particularly shady spot and begun a process of meditating to decipher the meaning of this outrage.


Now, it should be said that Kueh believed herself to be a decent, likeable person, yet she often wondered why no monks ever profess an interest in her. Why therefore, can somebody like TauSuan, received such undivided attention from 5 gushing nuns?



With that question in her mind, she became stone and did not move nor speak to anyone, except to answer nature’s call and copy lecture notes.........


One day, after a hard rain, Kueh opened her crusty eye from her shaded spot and beheld the wonder of the sun rays. In that instant, it hit her like a big hammer.......her enlightenment had come! She has found the answer! With a laugh, she leaped up and down and around the palm and hugged the slightly sunburned high-order monk sitting in the sun, grateful for the insight.


Kueh ran back into the monastery for her ink brush and bamboo and Thus, begun writing the formulation of the TauSuan theory......




theory states that:

In any given time or space, a person has

5 x TS = number of secret admirers whom he/she did not know about,

this situation occurs where TS stands for TauSuan, which is a factor that denotes a whole number >1 and which final value (i.e.answer) equates to admirers that is unbeknownst to the person.


When Kueh received her highest dlang order and became a full fledged nun, her students came to her and asked her many questions:


Mistress, what is the TS factor?

The TS factor is a variable value that increases with a person’s worth. The TS value is set at a baseline of 1. Humanity has hope becos Tausuan actually has 5 admirers .

Mistress, why must TS factor be greater than 1?

Because normal ppl do not laugh at others and made them feel stupid. TS himself represents the value of 1. If u do not have such practices, your TS factor shall be greater than 1. It also means that by default, we all have at least 10 admirers.

But mistress, I do not have even 1 admirer.

*bonk gently on head* Ah…it is obvious that you did not study hard enough, disciple. TauSuan theory is the ultimate theory because it cannot be proven wrong. The TauSuan theory represents the number of admirers that u garner without your knowledge. If u know u’ve got 1, then u’ve got at least 11 admirers mooning over you.


Satisfide with the answers, the novices applaud the venerable Nun Kueh and her wisdom.

Moral of the story?





You have at least 5 people who likes you that you know nuts about. So feel loved. U are attractive in ways that u’ll never know, in ways that your crushes themselves or the rest of the world cannot understand. So Be more Confident of yourself. You are more Attractive than you think.




Out!
AKK

TS has since left the monastery after recieving his highest dlang order. He is now in the highlands of the Himalayas meditating in the snow and laughing at Yaks....