Friday, March 11, 2005

Scientists have nothing better to do....

Ok, I’ve really got to spill my guts out here. That Newsweek article is really mean! Is she really that gorgeous or that Perfect (see below)? I mean, come on! So she got the symmetry right down pat, but I can name hundred other celebrities who can look better! Ok, so the celebrities had some help in the Plastics and Silicon department, and this gal’s al naturel, but Perfect?

I’ve had the chance to watch ‘Human Mutants’ on Discovery Channel (Oh yah, I’m brainy…uh-huh-ug-hug…). The Universal Concept of Beauty has been compressed down to the very basics. What does beauty now entails? Numbers! All Mathematics equations to tell you who should look good and who doesn’t. A mix-match of geometry and symmetry and a pinch of good genes rubbed in. Stuff the turkey and Roast. Ding! Out comes a gorgeous offspring.
Believe it or not.

Here’s an excerpt:

'WHEN RANDY THORNhill started measuring the wings of Japanese scorpion flies six years ago, he wasn't much concerned with the orgasms and infidelities of college students. Given ideal growing conditions, paired features such as wings, ears, eyes and feet would come out matching perfectly. But pollution, disease and other hazards can disrupt development. As a result, the least resilient individuals tend to be the most lopsided. In chronicling the scorpion flies' daily struggles, Thornhill found that the bugs with the most symmetrical wings fared best in the competition for food and mates. To his amazement, females preferred symmetrical males even when they were hidden from view; evidently, their smells are more attractive. And when researchers started noting similar trends in other species, Thornhill turned his attention to our own.’

We are being compared to Flies! Whatever will they think of next?! Do you know how a scorpion fly looks like? Me neither and I’m not about to search google for it….Wait! More to come! Like a bad accident happening in front of me eyes, i've got to read on.

‘In a 1994 study, they found that the most symmetrical human males had started having sex three to four years earlier than their most lopsided brethren. For both men and women, greater symmetry predicted a larger number of past sex partners.’

AAAIIIYoooo!!!! I feel as if the Ultimate Truth has just been whispered in my ear! Now I know why I have been thus far unlaid, untouched, unkissed, unhumped and unsexed till this very day! And I’m quarter of a century old! And I’m been trying to lose that useless piece of flesh for Years! Arrgghh!

I’m the sort who, if a guy came up to me and ask, ‘If you have 1 more day to live, what would…’ I’d have quickly knock him unconscious over the head and raped him, just in case he didn’t ask the question that I hoped. Good Grief! But there’s more!

‘…. surveyed 86 couples and found that women with highly symmetrical partners were more than twice as likely to climax during intercourse than those with low-symmetry partners. …..compared with regular Joes, extremely symmetrical men are less attentive to their partners and more likely to cheat on them. Women showed no such tendency.’

Great! The Symmetrical men seem to win it all!
Damn! Now I changed my mind, I’ll have to measure the guy’s face (Which guy? The one that asks me a question lah!) for symmetry. After he’s unconscious, of cos. Concussing him still applies, I won’t want him to fidget while I take measurements and advantages, ya? I’m a defenseless helpless woman and I need protection. So! Got to make sure he’s symmetrical 1st, otherwise, it’s gonna be so wasted to rape someone and not have an orgasm to show for it.

The Conclusion?

  1. Symmetrical men of the World are going to have the best of everything, they attract the symmetrical gal and yet will not know satisfaction. They shall roam the Earth sowing their seeds all over the place. They deserve to be raped. By asymmetrical women.
  2. Asymmetrical men are in trouble. They don’t like asymmetrical women and yet the symmetrical ones don’t want them, so they should all go for plastic surgery to arrange their faces to some form of order and the Sun shall Shine on their Organs again. That, or they will set up blind dates and have sex in the dark. Forever.
  3. Symmetrical women will remain faithful to their symmetrical men (becos there are so few) but be abused in the process. In order to break the cycle, they will either find an asymmetrical man and sign him up for Extreme Makeover or blind themselves.
  4. Asymetrical women. Sigh. The world doesn’t want them. Men don’t look at them and Symmetrical women don’t want to look like them. They are the pillars of Society because they are there to beautify the symmetrical people. They shall either languish ever the hope of landing any guy, or do unto them what the symmetrical men deserved.

Below is Newsweek’s perfect face, model Saira Mohan. She is utterly symmetrical and raceless (her blood is so mixed, it’s probably clotted). What do you think?

Checking out now or I’ll collapse in grief….

Asymmetrically yours,
Ang Khu Kueh

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