Thursday, March 24, 2005

It's Raining Men! Part 2

It’s the time of the year again! What is it, you say? It’s the time when we gals get to ogle all those doodles of men! Where? From Singapore! How? In CLEO! Why? Cos the 50 most Eligible Bachelors are here again!


Because these 50 men are always so Goddamn HILARIOUS!

Oh yes, I’m afraid I forgot to mention that the reason we gals are ‘ogling’ are probably because we are absolutely positively AGOG at how these people actually went to a conclusion they could be eligible in the first place. In the risk of being stoned by Cleo Eligible Bachelor (or CEB) Wannabes, or by their small but ‘still there’ group of female fans mostly made up of friends and bribery, it really pains me to think that anyone would be interested in this competition. There are just so many reasons to roll your eyes over these boy-men. Here, don’t think, let me list them out for you!

  • Some of them never looked in the mirror before. And I understand that the journalists of Cleo mag either had a hard time looking for cute Singaporeans or they blinded themselves with their fingers to make their search easier. Most CEBs looked normal, some looked ‘below’ average and I’m being Nice about it. Already. What I meant to say is that None, NONE, looked gorgeous, handsome or even plain ‘good’.
    Some looked pretty normal. You can meet such ppl in NUS the whole day. But what a name!

On whose authority am I basing my opinions on? Mine own, of cos! The skill which I have honed stalking and scaring cute boys during Secondary and JC have equip me well.

*Looks deeply into the horizon dreamily* In my U days, I was a ‘headhunter’ for Science Bash. Inevitably, and there was never any doubt in my mind, that the guy I especially chose and hunted down, boned and skinned to join the competition eventually won the title. So! I know what I’m talking about! Don’t believe these guys look so bad? Well, Lookee here!

And yes, if it pleases you, do click on their images to Hear their Voices Floating from your laptop. I’m not joking, Power98 has done the impossible and made the competitors even cornier than ever by airing their voices so You can choose who sounds the SEXIEST….. *groan*

Someone said, “I love watching movies and if you want to catch a movie with me, vote for me and call me.” It comes complete with sexy undertones. It was painful to hear, but I had to! It was akin to watching a bad accident happening and even more absorbing than picking at a scab.

Pls go and amuse yourself, but I warned you to do it without food. The only one I didn’t cringe that much over was another guy who said something pretty mushy and irrelevant, imagine this with voice of a overzealous puppy if it could talk-

“If you like somebody with a sweet nature and a sweet tooth, vote for me and I shall bake you the cheerest (?) and sweetest brownie with a large scoop of macadamia brittle!”

My hunger pangs made me forget to frown.

Some have bad teeth and some are er...of the wrong orientation...but I really can't tell you who!

  • Can we have a definition for the phrase Eligible Bachelor? It should be somebody who is mature, looks attractive, carry himself well and has a well-paid job. But of cos, we shouldn’t be too stringent, so let’s bring it down a little? But hell, at the very least, be financially independent? I've chose a few who are jobbers to be featured here (believe me, these are actually ok, I can't even be bothered to d/l the other more arrogant-looking i-think-i-am-God's-gift-to-women CEBs).

Half the bunch that make up The CEBs, however, are only just Undergraduates…

Excuse me? Am I seeing things? These are Boys! They are not Men! They lived with their parents and are dependent on them for their allowances, their poor parents have to use their CPF to pay for the school, so who’s thinking about contributing to the household expenses? Nobody! In fact, they don’t even have to right to showcase themselves as bachelors, much less eligible. There are fifty of them, but the only person that I'm glad of in CEB is Karl Ho. Remember him? He writes columns in Straits Times, he's probably the oldest but hell, he looked like a lion among rabbits in there. He looks intelligent (which he is, judging by his articles). Unlike the cutesy boy image or smoldering cassanova the rest tried to screw their features into, his be-specticled, no-frills pose is a breath of fresh air... Finally, a true-blue eligible Bachelor...I hope he wins, i don't want some dependent ninnyhammer with hair gel clinching the title.

  • Finally, sexual orientation! Frankly, when I first chanced upon the list of CEBs, I was sneaking a cookie into my stomach unbeknownst to my conscience. I was half-chewing and half sipping a cup of coffee that also managed to scuttle to safety. I saw 1 CEB I recognised and next thing I knew, I was spewing coffee over the pantry table. Having to laugh helplessly and choke at the same time is no joke, pardon the pun, although my colleagues loved it. At least ONE of the CEBs is Gay! When I knew him, he had a boyfriend, albeit on the sly. But they were really bad at hiding. No, wait! I remember something! Before that boyfriend, he had a girlfriend, so he’s actually a Bi. He goes both ways! Oh My Holy Pants! Does Cleo still consider him to be Eligible? Does he think he's eligible still? Do you? Sadly, I would really really Really like to tell you who that CEB is, but I’m not gonna tell! I can’t. The Gay Association (I’m sure there’s one) will sue me for insulting them that such specimen can make it to their list.

Digression here: Ever notice that the really handsome men are really mostly crooked? Maybe we shall discuss this enlightening topic at length next time?

All I wanted to say are written above under the second ahem

Sometimes I really don't understand why is there such a great need to have such a competition. Pageants for models, i can understand, these are jobs, ppl win them for their career. But Miss World and Manhunt and CEBs don't mean anything! Do you think that having a chio bu pat a pink dolphin in Underwater world will make the dolphin feel better than being patted by a little kid? Or that having Eunice Olsen talk about charity will make us donate more money than having a kid from the School Pocket Money Fund do so? These contests are made up by beautiful people for beautiful people. And if you haven't noticed, either the really beautiful people have become smart to avoid such farce or there is really a decline in the number of beautiful ppl available in Singapore. But i know that the latter is not true, because i see beautiful people everyday! All those friends i hang out with who can laugh at themselves. They look attractive in an overall relevant, non-spaced-out intelligent way and never preen everytime they see their reflections. You tell them they are pretty and they just wave a hand dismissingly, not believing it. All are photo-shy and like to 'fade out' (powerpoint) of view.

This competition and Miss Singapore Universe (have you seen these girls? *groan*) bears little meaning nor showcase true beauty and charisma of a Singaporean. in fact, I'll go further and say that such pageants have become more of an outlet for the wannabes than the ares. So pls, Singapore, either scrap these pageants altogether or change the pageant image by being truly Stringent about it. So stringent, that if there isn't enough beautiful ppl, then don't hold it, don't resort to filling in numbers! gonna eat now, I'm spent.


(PS, in case you're wondering, me mum out of danger! heng ah...I can breathe freely once more.)


Bubblemunche said...

I just want to say that the eligible bachelors thingy is plain bullshit and all the guys stink... because I know I will never get to be part of it :D!

Unless they have a top 50 nerds or something ;)

Anonymous said...

I agree with you totally..
Heard some of the sound clips

Ang Ku Kueh said...


Of cos, I don't think that most of them would have much of a personality as most Bloggers I've read about here, including (very much), you. I'm not joking when I say that your blog has been my lunchtime amusement for a while now. If it makes you feel even better, all the girls in my lab (read: young, pretty ones) are actively reading u up and following your escapades. Ehehehe...although seriously hor, the tongue picture made up crack up and ill at the same time, ahahah.... I prefer your he-who-has-not-been-liad photo much better. :)

Oh ya, anonymous ah,
pls hor, next time at least put an initial hor. lil' bro, it'll be easier to find you should you write broklen England...I'm watching you (and your England)...

Bubblemunche said...

Don't worry, my own pic makes me sick too ;)