I’ve received an Indecent proposal.
Oh yah….exciting eh? OK, maybe some of you out there get indecent proposals all the time, but must give AKK a break, ya? She’s pretty virginal about certain things….like clubbing, pubbing, sex, men, boys, sex, Life, and indecent proposals…
Although I’m pretty hard-up lah, I admit. I mean, I don’t study Biology for no ding-dong reason, you know?
I studied it because I wanted the extended Sex Education that goes with it. Sadly, MOE sex education is dryer than an old maid and I also got short-changed when they abolished Dissect-Rina-Rabbit-and-Name-Her-Organs in RV just when it’s my year to do it!
I heard that they cancelled it when our seniors were found to take concentrated pleasures at skewering the poor things. They eventually drew a life-sized outline of a dead rabbit on a large pink vanguard sheet, then scotch-taped the rabbit ears, paws and bobtail on it, complete with blood.
Then they mask-taped the macabre poster onto the white board in the teacher’s lounge during recess…..
But I digress….back to dum-dum-daaaammmm…Indecent proposals.
What I’m saying now is the truth hor. I think that all those who really really know me and really really are my friends in real-life shall now take a slow breather and think carefully….
There are of cos certain questions you have to keep in mind which I shall answer:
1) Is this for real? Yup yup yes.
2) Is AKK a slut? Cos not, you’d be the 1st to know if I am.
3) Is she hanging with the wrong crowd? You guys ARE my crowd…if it went wrong, it’s YOU…
4) Is she really so gorgeous that some guy can actually come right out and give her an indecent proposal? Actually, I’m asking that myself too hor…but then I’ve heard cases of men being able to just go ahead and do it to ugly women so long as they have bags on their heads, the women, that is, although it’d also do for the men to wear them too.…
So, I shall now regal the tale. It happened with a phone call from an extremely old friend. Ok, so this person is out from my present crowd, he’s an anomaly. So maybe it’s not your fault, guys, it’s probably his, ehehehe…. We are close friends, we are. Best Buds even, if you believe that ppl of the opposite sex can be so.
We are talking about virginity, or the ‘having’ of it, and the want to change the status to ‘lack of it’.
Yes, all, we are talking about me. I’d make Britney Spears blush at lying to the church for her ‘no-sex’ vow, when I can only be aghast at myself for still being a virgin without even trying to stay as one. In fact, I’d go further to say I’ve never cared for that pc of flesh and have been trying hard to lose it since JC. It does not help that I spent a few years wasting time on an idiot who didn’t know how to take what was freely given, nor the heartache that subsequently made me give up on men in general.
So we were lamenting (I lamenting, he sniggering) about my poor state of ‘she-who-Really!-has-not-ever!-been-laid’ and discussed at length why this is so.
We arrived at the following conclusions:
1) It cant be that I’m not pretty enough. Poor lighting can solve this easily.
2) It must be that most guys do kiss and tell, therefore the risk is too high to take.
3) It must be cos I know too little guys.
4) It must be cos I only know decent guys who dun dare to even voice out suggestion of it in front of me, nor do they think about sex all the time.
5) I must look very very young, and very very innocent.
So we then made a list of the things guys would like about me to bed me:
1) I’ve got a more than decent chest (by now, you’ll all realise that the word ‘decent’ and ‘indecent’ shall be the catchphrase of the day), but I hid it under loose tops, so this doesn’t count.
2) I’m articulate, so I’ll probably be able to slot in words between gasping and moaning, which my dear friend revealed is a very good thing, becos some girls can be so done up in excitment, they hold their breaths instead. They don’t even gasp, much less moan…
3) I smile a lot. He does not explain. Maybe guys dun like to see their gels frowning in the act.
Then we made another list of things that guys like in me that they won’t like in the girls that they bed:
1) I think like a Man. Even now, I’m talking about these things to him without gender-bender issues. I’m also talking about it freely in a public diary. No blushing, no shu-nu-ness (which I abhor in girls). He say I should be more teh-teh (girly…*gag*) and every now and then must giggle a little and look, Pls! for God’s sake, look Ditzy for once!
Personally, I already think I look pretty clueless most of the time, but he pointed out there’s a difference between looking ‘cute-dumb’ and just… 'dumb’…
2) I might be too frank and blunt, guys like their ego stroked *snigger*. I’d burst out and say he’s not ……well, you can fill in your own words.
3) I look unapproachable. Ok, I took offense at this becos I’ve been very friendly to everyone. But he countered that when I’m alone and walking along the street, my face looks like I just killed someone remorselessly.
4) I’m too intellectual. I took offense at that too, becos it’s not my fault that certain guys get intimidated just cos I happen to read voraciously. He said that I have a tendency to actually pick up the thread of conversation which a guy said only to impress a girl with, hoping she wun know enuff to counter the line of logic. He said guys are afraid when gals blurt out, ‘but I tot I read somewhere that…’
By then, I’m starting to see the direction of all the-whys and why-nots already. The kind of men we are talking about are the ones who think they are God’s Gift to women and asks for very little in their chicks to offer more beyond being able to scream, ‘harder!’ and ‘Yes!’, ample body parts to grab and peas for brains.
So I started whining about stupid men in general why can’t the Real Decent men also function like an Indecent one sometime and just give me a proposition!
That was the cue, I must admit. Then he said, ‘Take me lah!’
‘Huh wat? Dun act dumb again lah. Take me lah!’
‘Take you for what?’
A super Big Puff of Grievance into the phone.
‘I meant that I’m giving You an Indecent Proposal, and this is coming from a Decent Man who is trying to act Indecent for Your Sake!’
‘God, you’d do this for me?’
*smug tone* ‘Of cos, that’s what frens are for mah.’
‘But I couldn’t! I know you much too well, you’re just another Me!’
‘Yup! Best way! It’s like having sex with yourself as 2 separate entities, you can’t get more egotisical than that.’ Then being a chemist by training, he said, ‘If it bugs you, you can always just treat me like an Ap-pa-ra-tus.’
*another huge sigh*…. ‘I mean… You just do all the work and I’ll just lay prone.’
‘This is turning into a rape scene.’
‘Ya, man! You’d be fulfilling my dreams too, u know. All men secretly want to be ravished.’
The very idea! Wow, it just blows my mind! Here’s someone absolutely convenient, who keeps his mouth shut, who knows who I am and doesn’t have to pretend to like me much to, well, like me!
The more I thought of it, the better it sounded…and then I hit a wall….Wham!
‘Nnnooooo……….!!’ I wailed into the phone. ‘I can’t do it!’
‘Why the hell not, sister?’
‘That’s why! I’m your Sister! I talk to you cos we are Sisterly!’
*I started cringing with goosebumps* ‘You’re, like, a sibling! That’s, like, super Incestuous lor, I’m not Lesbian!’
Silence on the phone…..then….he also started screaming.
‘Argh! You’re right, man….I didn’t think! Having sex with you would be like doing my own brother….argh,…I’m not Gay!’
So we started insulting each other for being too Man, too Woman, too Gay, too Lesbo…the ‘apparatus’ idea got thrown out the window…
Then there was a flurry as we both starting rubbing our arms to get rid of the goosebumps…
‘To think we almost commited incest!’
‘Well, if you weren’t so depressed abt it, I wouldn’t have mentioned.’
‘God….Frigging my own sister!’
‘Don’t say it, don’t say it! I’m getting sick again!’
I know what you are all thinking…so chey, right? I think so too. My indecent proposal was shoved under my nose then hastily withdrawn in less than 5 min…
So I said it to him too, I said ‘chey…..’
Then he replied gustily, ‘No lor! Not chey, it’s more like Choi! Choi-choi! Next time, we shall not talk to each other when I’ve a pint of Heineken in me hor. I’ll have to deal with you cold-sober…’
I started giggling…really giggling……
‘Thanks, buddy, it’s nice to know you offered to sacrifice yourself.’
‘That’s what friends are for, although you’ll never hear that proposal coming from me anymore…sorry pal, can’t help you there.’ He gave another sigh.
I giggled somemore and he intoned like a teacher, ‘now That! Is what I call a Giggle. You better practise. Work with me. Like..heeheehee, not hehehe, nor hahaha and especially not HurHurHur ….’
And of cos, because he started it, giggling turned into a full-blown orgasmic laughter.
So we agreed that pieces of flesh are not worth the loss of a buddy. You get such buddies only once in a lifetime. I will regret to no end if I took up his offer.
I also think I still prefer big laughing over the giggling, and having someone to make me laugh like this over losing my own decency at its expense anyday.
A tribute to my friend and of cos, keep your mouth shut! But you know already. Thankee, buddy.