Crush Compilation

If you are an early bird to my blog, you would have read about this love-hate thing I have with crushes. I have crushes on any number of people who represented a certain ideal. Head Prefect in primary school days was a particular hit with me. I had a crush ever since puberty on every single guy who became the Head Prefect, no matter how geeky/nerdy/skinny/fat he looked.


I also crushed the Class Joker during secondary school, not just from my class but Jokers from every other class. It definitely had something to do with our school being very communist and therefore very militant. We had a school anthem that sounded very much like all of Chairman Mao’s Communist Propaganda songs. Guys cannot have hair touching the lower half of the neck, that’s OK, but girls cannot have long hair unless they are dancers from the Chinese Dance Troop.


Like, huh? No long hair? Once my swimmer friend trained so hard her hair got bleached brown by the sun. The discipline mistress made her dyed it Black.



Subsequently, in the midst of onset of puberty and teenage angst, we were made into clones of each other. We all looked the same, guys and gals alike. U can only differentiate the 2 sexes apart by the 2 extra bumps on the chest. But then, some girls, however much they wished for it, don’t have breast and some guys, however much they deny it, have them, so gender Identity crisis abound. To avoid embarrassment, relationships took a backseat and studying became the main aim. U could say that our Principal was a man with very far sightedness, becos he surely missed all the looks of hatred from the angsty teenagers he himself created. We are not just co-ed, we are uni-sex......



We represented humanity if humanity didn’t f**k .....



Those were the days lah........me teeming with hormones, heart pumping hard beneath my bumps (thank goodness I had them) whenever my crush breezed by......sighz.....



Fast forward ............*whirrrrlllll*....................to Uni-days:



I had a crush on the:

• Hostelite Dude
  
  He who always look so sexily unkempt in flip-flops and tousled hair.
  
  
  He is always late, looked like he never slept (which is true *snigger*) and always borrowed lecture notes from the girls. Obviously the girls gave him what he asked for and more *snigger*. I was never chosen to be a lecture-note-giver although I took notes aplenty (whenever he was around). I think it’s mostly becos my handwriting look like chicken scratchings but physically, I also obviously did not make the cut. Sadly, looking good and writing pretty are mutually exclusive from me.
  
  
  
  
• Dean-Lister
  
  He who was a perfectionist.
  
  
  He didn’t care who was on his team as long as he took charge of the whole project. Good for lazybones like me who just hung on and did whatever he asked….knowing full well he’ll change everything anyway and do the whole thing himself instead. But in the end, everyone would get A+ for the project ......hehehe. A good Dean-Lister to have a crush on is one who is never jealous abt anyone else’s results becos he’s already too high up there for the likes of us small fries to aspire. So he is actually very friendly and will freely give away his notes if u ask for them. He actually manage to take time off to tutor other ppl, although most of them are gals and probably half of them gals just wanted an excuse to breath the air of high IQ surrounding him.
  
  
  
  
• Practical Partner
  
  He who was this useless guy who wouldn’t life a finger to pour H2O into the beaker.
  
  
  Can’t help it, close proximity at practical benches have always been high on the Science Faculty List of Lomantic Places to Meet ur Other Half. Basically, science ppl are pretty studious, we don’t chiong much and hardly ever get drunk enuff to commit pre-marital sex, so having a Pract Partner whose not half-bad-looking for the whole semester can raise a girl’s hormones into overdrive come every tues and thurs.
  
  
  Practical Partner is strongly affliated to the Hostelite Dude becos he just basically ‘nuah’ around the whole lab. I had to do everything myself. He didn’t have a bone in his body and possessed an interesting way of standing/sitting that could make any lecturer angry. He acts like ice-cream under the hot sun. He’d sit on the bench and just melt away quietly and efficiently while pandemonium rages around him.
  
  
  So he’d just go ‘nuahing’ all over his side of the bench while I would be running around like a headless chicken doing his bit of the project. But I forgive him everytime he flash me a smile when I handed him OUR results…I know lor…I so pathetic hor…sighz…
  
  
  
  
  
• PE Teacher-like/Officer
  
  He who always wore polo tees like he plays tennis everyday.
  
  
  It took a while to notice him becos he was never very flashy, he didn’t slump and fall over the chair with a big crash when caught sleeping like the Hostelite Dude, nor gave frequent appearances on the Dean’s List/Awards list/get Highest Grade list, like the Dean-Lister, neither does he sit rotting softly in the laboratory and steal my tutorial answers like the Practical Partner.
  
  
  
  On the other hand, PE-Teacher is built, not like that Olympics Chao Monster, but with the swimmer’s bod which he hides under his polo tees. Once I spotted PE Teacher swimming at the NUS pool. I’m sure that his Breast-stroke, Free-style and Butterfly skills were unmatched, if only I could lift my eyes from his 6-pack to check. He had a GI haircut, the angular face and the square jaw reminiscent of all the guy PE teachers I’ve ever had. He always looked good, never a hair out of place, shirt tucked in. In fact, he only lacks a stopwatch hanging around his neck. Like all PE teachers, he is a leader, which is good for me again during project times. He is also very ‘on’ about sports and field trips, so we’d all be groaning behind him while he treks happily through the jungles of BT hill. He’ll be busy collecting insect specimens while we littered the ground with ourselves and caused a small CO2 pollution where we lay........
  
  
  
  Dean-Lister eventually hooked up with a Brainy Chio, Hostelite Dude remained a Bachelor and couldn’t graduate, Practical Partner tried to chase a female version of the Dean-Lister but laying across her path on the canteen floor was just not her cup of tea. PE Teacher had a short liaison with a PhD student who loved his mature dress sense, but he graduated single and went back to the SAF…
  
  
  
  
  Recently, A brought me out for dinner wearing his omnipresent polo-tee and we talked about everything under the sun…then we took a walk along Orchard road, feeling like old friends and then not. I lost my lipbalm and my lips were peeling badly, but I felt.... happy....
  
  
  He took me home and I raised my face. Following the Way of the AKK, it's obvious that i did it with less finesse and less class and more hastily than those babe-bo Korean Kims and Jungs. I had come to expect a peck on my forehead to end my lovely dates. But tonight, he didn’t just brush a kiss like he did all those times. He gave a hug that cocoons me in warmth and said, ‘Thank u for today.’
  
  Awwww....shucks.....*blush*
  
  His huge hug left me a little dazed, so I just slumped like Practical Partner/Hostelite Dude on the sofa, reliving that warm fuzzy moment until my HP beeped asking me to check my pockets...........I felt the pockets of my jeans.......
  
  
  
  
  And out came a new stick of lipbalm........
  
  
  
  Sighzzzz.............PE Teacher Crush is now once again back in full force.........
  
  
  
  
  Out!
  
  
  AKK :)

PS. What's ur Type of Crush?

The Way of the Flutter-Flutter....

I was reading up on Jaywalk's mini-part series abt his tuition episodes...hear: mini-part series hor……and truly, this guy can really churn out stories lor! I was stuck with 4 new entries just becos I didn't visit during the weekend, so I was calmly reading each and everyone of them and commenting until my MSN 'dooot' me.



It was Jaywalk, who said gravely, ‘Someone has been busy checking up my blog....’


‘Oops! Caught in the act!’


‘Yah lor…my email kept pinging me, saying I got comments, got comments, got comments…’


‘Oopps…..hehehe…..paiseh ah! I try to visit more often’


This guy just wrote one everyday for the past 3/4 days! Bloody hell, I can take half a day to write one entry leh, like 3 to 6 hours each?


How does he do it?


Came the guru’s words:



‘Inspirations come all the time, have to catch them and quickly blog it down. Otherwise they fly away....’


‘Fly away?’

‘Yes…flutter flutter.....never to return....’



Wah lau....like doused with cold water....I dun want my inspiration to ‘flutter flutter, never to return’ leh....scaredz...


So armed with his immense wisdom, I immediately logged on and starting blogging.


About this conversation.....


....I can safely predict that Jaywalk must be kicking himself now.... but then truly inspiration mah! I’m truly-bluishly inspired to blog this MSN interlude now.... yes right now... so I don’t lose it.




In a Chinese Kung-Fu Show, I would have been falling on my knees in front of him with hands clasped, saying,


‘Shi-Fu! Qing shou wuo zhuo tu-di!’


Which loosely and sparingly translated, meant,

‘O Mighty sensei of Butterfly Dreams and the Way of the Flutter-Flutter, pls accept this stoopid ingrate as your student and she shall be eternally indebted! She is not fit to eat the sand u kick!’

*************

OK serious! Actually, it’s not all about Jaywalk, but mostly it’s abt his topic on tuition. His post reminded me of the time when I myself had a student to my name also.

It was a strange encounter, how we met. Suffice to say, I got cornered in the lift one day when going to school by this Indonesian Aunty. She was round and plump with three chins. So when I said ‘cornered’, I was closer to being ‘squished’, our lift being those new fangled-spangled lifts big on windows to prevent perverts from peeking in and seriously small on space.......


She had her market trolley in 1 hand and an umbrella on the other, and this, I’m not joking, she wielded it and stuck the pointy end seriously close to my toe.

Thus the woman spake: ‘Is u in University now?’

‘Err....yes....’ I quivered....eyeing her reinforced steel point nervously and decided to humour her.

‘Is u teaching tuition?’

‘er......no?’ Wrong answer! Her piggy eyes narrowed....

‘Want to start?’

‘....Er.....er....’

‘Here.’

She then thrust me a scribbled note with her name and HP no., then announced that her daughter was in sec sch, not doing too good and needed help.

All the while, she kept her steel point close to my big toe....


By the time the elevator door opened, I was sufficiently cowed to call her back in the evening with an answer. As a parting shot, she said,

‘8th floor is a good storey ah? Some more your unit so near lift....’

*Twinge of Fear* wah lau....she really knows her victims/neighbours! I’ve never seen her before in my life! Either that, or my forehead is stamped with my addy...

When I returned home that evening, I had run by the whole idea of tuition thru’ my head. It wasn’t a bad idea.... I needed the money because I love to count and hoard them under my pillow. And apparently Mrs J lived in the same block as me, so all I had to do was to either troop to 6th floor or have her daughter come up. So I called and went over.



Then I saw the daughter....

When I said Mrs J was round, it was an overstatement.

I mean, she is round, but with an elongated oval shape-kinda-round, very typical mama-look, very typical-I know-I-cook–very-well-and-I-love-my-own-cooking look.

But her daughter gave the word ‘round’ an instant mathematical definition. She’s 360 degrees, really! All over! I’m not insulting or insinuating anything becos there isn’t anything to insinuate already. Round is round and believe me hor, I got my compass set....


She is also 3 times my size.... so I started to feel claustrophobic again.... and I frankly tell u ah....I’m not thin either....

Another thing! I do know obese ppl, my own aunty is obese, but I never met one so.... tak boleh tahan..... All the while when her mum was proudly showing me her daughter’s past work, I watched with horror as the girl proceeded to scratch her oily hair like it really really ITCHED....



The more I watched her, the more I also started to feel itchy too....


Then she started using both hands....I started touching my own scalp....


Then I saw the flakes on her shoulders....

And before I could avert my eyes from the sight, she popped her pointer finger into her mouth and sucked!!

........Eeeewwwwwwwww.........(another) Chao Monster!!!

She saw that I was looking but she did not even register any embarrassment, she just gave me a greasy smile in return, then returned to scratching her head with her yes! Wet finger, eyes glazed....

*gasps in horror...*

I .....

......am....

....... witnessing an event in primate evolution that had gone backwards.....



I would love to say that I rejected the suit/offer, but Mrs J made a ka-ching! price that I could not ignore. In fact, for that price, I was prepared to jump hoops of fire for her and teach 5 clones of her daughters..... her weapon of choice, this time a hot steaming mug of kopi, was also hovering near enough to hasten my decision.



Before I left, Mrs J, like all parents, gushed unflinchingly that her daughter is smart, just lazy. I’ve had serious doubts as to whether her daughter was even human, but I decided to give her the benefit of a doubt. Before we left, I’d already knew the history of the family up to 3 generations back and had perused some of her daughter’s hobbies.



For once, the girl stopped scratching her limp hair and decidedly lighted up. She lumbered out of the room and came back with her drawing block.


Cool! I thought, she draws also!



Then she flipped the pages under Mrs J’s proud eyes.

In pencil and charcoal shading were pictures and pictures of.....

Werewolves, Wolves in packs, teeth-baring Wolves, Wolves lunging at prey and more Wolves.....

Complete with blood and salivating jowls...

.

My heart skipped a beat before resuming with immense erratic rhythm, my student not only has 'D' for hawker stall grading, she's got issues...


So that was how I knew my student. Perhaps next time, I shall talk abt how stressi*cough*...successfully my tuition went....ahem.......


But right now, inspiration has just fluttered onto my arm and I mistook it for a mosquito.....


*Whack*

*******

*

Oh yes, can I just say something? My student’s name was Nina. And while I dun blame ppl for naming their children such becos it’s a common enough name, I just want to say that your child might suffer Trauma later in Life if she’s Hokkien to boot.



Trust me. Don’t name your daughter Nina if you are Hokkien.



And if U really want to name ur daughter or your own name is Nina (I cry for u...) and u are Hokkien, I pray that your sir name or future hubby’s sir name is not Gan.



Out!


AKK

Ps. Obviously, MSN dialogue has been embellished...... This is called covering ur ass before someone sues u for copyright, heheheeh.....

Oh ya, my condolences if ur name is Gan Nina....

I have many policies....

Hi all!


I have many policies that I told myself I should follow strictly when I started my blog. But as time goes by, I’ve become more comfortable with strangers knowing more abt me that I’ve become a bit lax. Not that it did not pay off, becos I ended up getting a new bunch of frens, whom I think are fun and great to know better. But of cos, getting to know them better might make them end up as my frens.....and in real life, my frens dun know I blog becos I just might write abt them one day. Hmm.....I’m in a fix, I know, becos I’m admitting that I’m putting my friends on the waiting list for potential stories....


Wanna be my fren? Eheheh…. :)



Oh heck, this is not the issue lah. Again I digress. Today’s topic is about policies. My policies. Incidentally, I realised they are subjected to change becos things change. Here’s a quote that is always true which u can always use without going wrong:


The only unchanging thing in Life is Change itself.


my policies:

I have a no-photo policy.

I dun post pics, perhaps next time when I eventually lost my virginity and want to clelebrate my release from eternal maiden bondage (yes…I can imagine some guys are thinking koyak already), I might do a SPG, I’ll never know, actually. Or maybe I shall be so disgusted with the whole business of my virginity that I’ll do it anyway, or maybe I finally, through surgical means, arrive at my ideal drop-dead-gorgeous body (ala Jessica Alba), then I’ll also do a bikini shoot….who knows, eh?



But of cos, right now, I’m still too comfortable in my anonymity and too inferior abt my body to try such a stunt...but then there’s always tomorrow….



I have a no-politics policy.

I refuse to talk abt it or whine abt it. Even here in Happy Blogland there are cases of ppl playing poker and holding aces, flashing them out time to time to tell the common man, ‘hey, you’re a fry, I’m not. I’m right up here’. Some use viewership to perpetuate certain comments and opinions that creates ripples of contention and a few blogicides along the way. Yes, the best players whine their way out for reader sympathy while their victims crash and burn. I find it all inane, almost amusing and really immature. Name-dropping of celebrities, on or off blog, is especially bleah for me.



In my way, I show my dissention by putting links that I only care about and read about. I use to read mr brown, but he became too much of a celebrity now, it’s just…not the same. I use to put his link up and always wondered if I should also link to all the popular ones so that in one fine day, they might notice that I honour their presence and put in my URL in their entry one day. But I decided not to, becos I really dun read their blogs and no matter how good they write, there are always better writers who are underexposed. I feel like I should support them instead.



I have subsequently removed mr brown from my links and instead, in his place, put up blogspots which I always visit and who visits me. There is such a thing call loyalty and I’m happy to know it exists even online. For me, my blog links have become personal, a serial drama is unfolding on an everyday basis, I relate, I empathise, I hope and I feel for the ppl I read abt becos similarly, I am happy that I have some readers who’s been reading me all the way and can relate to past events that directly connects to a present entry. For all who are new, I welcome u to my blog and funnily enough, all who read me, wrote beautiful entries also. I think this is priceless. Hehehe......




I have a no-current affairs policy.

I dun want to talk about the world as it is today. I try not to whine abt bus hikes unless it directly relates to me being stuck at the front door without enough money in my EZ-link and quarrelling with the driver. I try not to talk abt property prices and how getting a condo now is really reachable unless it relates to me getting married soon and having to get a house of my own. I try not to....ok, u get the pic.


Terrorism and religion, are the 2 most taboo discussions anyone can have right now. Everyone have their opinions and usually, ppl with opinions nevertheless think they are right and have ways to justify why they are right. How can anyone argue with anybody else? There’s just no way becos everyone tries to hold their position with the truth as they see it, it’s like battle drome all over again: 2 opponents stand on 2 high columns and see who whack the other off the pole with a big sponge bat. Whack whack whack....




We all need to listen to each other but we never do. I myself am very opinionated, which is why I try not to discuss certain issues or I’ll just go all over the place just insulting everyone and possibly get flamed, then I’ll commit my own blogicide....



But for this once, I’m going to break the rule a little. I just want to say, in light of all the current tragedy that has happened in London, is this:


God is not an excuse to commit murder. Doing it ‘For’ God is instigating your own Omnipotent Being as the Conspirator. That is Slander. And whoever like a tale-tatter? Not God lor. You’re going to Hell.



There, I’ve said it, flame me now.


******

One light-hearted moment today: A smsed to say, in his typical reticent manner: hi. how r u? dinner? miss u...

******

Incidentally, have u ever tried to sms somebody only to send ur hardwork, blood and sweat to a house phone instead? Of cos u have! Do u know that you can sms to home phones actually?


Oh, I can hear you thinking: how to read the msg ah?


Here’s the answer, it’s not read, it’s read OUT to you. Imagine the words spoken with the exact same voice like your hp voice messages, eg. ‘you have reached mailbox number…9…7….6…x….x…x….x….x’. Not the one that says ‘you’ve reached...’ but the one that recites the numbers....that mechanical, monotonous woman’s voice, yes...



Anyways, my fren smsed and send it to my house phone and I happened to pick it up...



I was utterly mystified, becos it sounded like a super-cultured, no-accent androgenic woman's voice talking gibberish.

She said, very clearly,

'nee-ha-ooo, free on tiu-sss for cheap food...' and something else that I couldn't catch.




I tried to talk to the voice but it was clearly automated.... only then did my own HP beeped and I got the original msg from my fren--- ‘ni haooo!!!! Free on tues for cheep food? :) '---The system is in such a way that the woman literally said ‘tues’ instead of Tuesday. I also got a slightly raised volume to account for the ‘!!!!’. The chinese greeting ‘ni hao’ became ‘nee ha-ooooo’



........Incredible.......I was wondering what would she sound like if I send the following sms back to my fren’s house phone?


‘Grt! Let’s go for hokkien Froggy Chok in cheenatwn! U pay! Yippeeeeee!!!! Got outing! Cya tues at BV bs!’



Incidentally Chok is porridge, ‘cheenatwn’ is Chinatown. BV bs is Buona Vista bus stop, but I would absolutely love to hear that icy cool dead voice drone out ‘hokkien froggy chok’, pronounce the word ‘grt’ and ‘twn’ after ‘cheenatwn’, swear culturedly using ‘bs’ and recite ‘yippeeeeee’ and drag the eeeees…..

But I didn’t...becos I was too busy forwarding the original sms back to my own house phone...i needed to check something... the last of the sms I couldn't catch and I want to find out what it was...

I couldn’t move for a few minutes after laughing stitches after the voice intoned the same msg in her wierd manner and I caught the end of it:

‘ ...blah blah blah.....Sender is laughing at you....’


That was for the smiley face....

Muahahhaahhahaha........


Out!

AKK

Utterly relevant to the previous entry

Hi all

Just tot I'd like to share... this entry is with ref to the previous MIU entry...


My good fren wrote Wally and me an email that said,

'.....was just telling AKK that day that now i prefer reading her blog and ur blog - xx's blog is lower down on the list now haha. but - with a copy to AKK - man ur entries are still too long!!! like the latest one on MIU - i scrolled down for 2 secs then gave up. so wally, yep, not-too-long and sweet is the way to go :) ......'

eheheheeh.....I have great friends....:)

Thanks ah, i shall edit...

Out!



AKK
short enuff?!

My drawings

Hi all!

I'll be busy with writing in the next few days again, so I forsee nothing interesting and exciting for me to blog about in any long-winded way, so i shall take Yan and Li-er's suggestion to post my drawings up, which I've been meaning to do for a while but was too lazy to unpack the tissues from the paintings......

My HP photo-taking not too good, so I did not take the whole drawing. What u see is just the face of the characters, where most of the detailing work went into. all the paintings have 1 common trait, they all come from CLAMP comics. Last time when CLAMP still bothered to draw their eyes nicely, I was enamoured of their work. Then later, i think they change their style, so some of the comics from them are very simplistically drawn, very sad time for me, becos they have discarded their trademark 'liquid' eyes.

Obviously if u ask me, the hardest part to draw is their eyes. I always start by drawing eyes first, which will take half-a-day, then the rest is easy....colouring the eyes on the other hand....very long, back-breaking work.

I just put down some of my favorites. i drew them during Sec and JC days. Each took about 2 days to draw and a week to colour. All in poster paint. :)

My very first Poster-sized work! in 1999, I spent 1 week cloistered in my own room drawing this from X-Clamp vol 1 by Clamp comics. Hardest part is the lips....until i found a way to colour until they mysteriously become 3D....stroke of luck there. :)

This is from RayEarth Comics, also by Clamp illustrators. i bought this pirated deck of RayEarth illustrated poker cards from Taiwan, then decided to draw one of the illustrations. The challenge is in transferring the image from a poker card onto A3? A2? size drawing block....yes, must use magnifying glass....

One of my last works before Life and studies caught up with me. Also my proudest. It was not the best I've drawn, but the details are almost exact down to the original drawing. One of the most challenging because the eye you see here is only 1cm across, but i spent hours trying to get the colour right. you can use a magnifying glass to look at the eye (which i did) and still wun find any mistake or 'roughness'. I used a tiny tiny brush to paint it, that's why its very fine. Sadly this pic quality not good enuff, otherwise, u can see each indiv stroke of paint in the eye and the eyelashes.

Okie! this is really one of my shortest entry liao. as much as sometimes i tend to get inferior about myself about certain issues, I nevertheless am fully confident of my anime drawing and painting skills. I say that It's easy to draw, when you get right down to it, it's only like photo-copying. see what, draw whatever, but I seldom see anyone paint their work as good as mine unless they are professionals.

I know, I'm so think-skinned. ehehhe....ok, I shall not bore you to bits.

out and take care!

AKK

Movie Bat on the head

I'm been hantammed! By WonkyTonk and Tempest_Blue. you guys are so nice, I so honoured. :)

Although frankly, I'm the last person I would have thought of passing the baton to, eheheh...

Total Number of Films I own on DVD and Video:
Authorised or raidable by the police? I’m a law-abiding citizen, I am! I’m also broke…So er…I have none of any.

Last Film I bought:
Read above! I Not Stupid dun count.

Five movies/DVDs I Like...A Lot:
er…I just realised that I’m not very mainstream…I really really absolutely absolutely love animation….mostly anime becos currently American animation are not on par yet, although slowly getting there. Their drawing style also different….so the stuff I like? Mostly what layman ppl call cartoons.

5 movies/dvds i like!


All time favourite. Exquisite drawing and deep narration. perfect.:) Insanity-inducing. Dun watch unless of sound mind...



Grey Feather Alliance. Same animators as the lain ppl. So i expected no less from them...very enigmatic storyline, picture-wise beautiful! Dark show but not as queer as Lain...



hahahah....very funny old movie. I loved it because it's the embodiment of women power. all 3 are oscar holders, what more you want? a movie doesn't need pretty girls to make it a hit:)



a collection of animation by animators from Japan and America. A fantastic culture shock to see everybody's distinct styles of animation. I know I'm boring u to bits, bear with me. 1 more...


wah lau...finally something more common and recent. I love apocalyptic future stories....very thought-provoking. I dun watch it becos of Tom Cruise. I watched it because of the AUDI....

5 ppl I'm passing the baton to:
Jayaxe
Nadia
Wally
Hisreason
Zenith

er....I chose you guys and gal becos i think u all very nice, wun hantam me for landing you a chain-blog...remember ah...you are nice..extremely so. If someone beat me to it and already give u baton, then good for you, they think u nice also! plea: Just dun hantam me. :)

Oh yes, pls dun do it if you dun want to, I'm serious. :)

thankee!

Out!

AKK :)

Oh ya...did I mention I draw anime also? maybe next time post some of my drawings here. :)

Bus Woe....*fume*

EDITED and SHORTENED ENTRY...

This is a short entry becos as usual, nothing big has happened to me, so I’m trying not to be to long winded about it. In fact, my good friends have complained a bit that my entries are too long….


SHIT!


Ok, let’s start again. It shall be a short entry today because only one thing of interest happened. I was in the bus on my way home and actually got myself a seat today. Very good, stroke of luck, i thought! so I happily rested my feet and massaged my knee a bit….


Since I was eyeing my joints and trying to decide if my left knee is still swollen like a han-bao-bao, I didn’t notice anything until an eclipse suddenly block my light.


I looked up….and up…and up….and met the eyes of the HULK. He was so fricking tall, he had to bend his neck to keep from banging the ceiling. In fact, his shoulders are kind of brushing the bus handles….


My jaw dropped like an idiot. Never in my life have I seen someone with that kind of size….he’s not fat nor obese, just fricking Humongous lor, the type that already crashed the glass ceilings of Californian Fitness and is Pumping for Olympics Glory?


Think TWO big barrel chests and possibly abs that managed to squeeze out all Eight of its continents. He looked like he ate 30 eggs in one day, together with the shells, chewed tree trucks for veggie supplements and sucked milk straight from 10 dairy cows... That's how moronically Huge No-Neck looked...

Everyone, not just me, went goggled-eyed…


And why did he block my light? Because he was actually preparing to sit beside me... I was actually fearful of my life in that short instant. Suddenly the whole seat dipped towards him as he gingerly depressed his side of the couch…I didn’t want to be rude, but I was simply terrified, so I grabbed the headrest, hoping he won’t notice and take offense and lift me off the seat by my hair and swing me out the window like a morningstar….

After he settled himself, he had to plonk his knees into the backrest of the seat before us because his legs was so long….the minute he jammed his knee in, the backlash made the old aunty in front banged her front teeth into the front seat….

He kept adjusting himself to make sure his shoulders dun jut out into the aisle and block the standing passengers, who were wisely giving him a wide berth… But once he’s fully settled, I was absolutely crowded into a small tinny space between the window and him. He was also wearing exercise togs, man! He had probably just ended a pumping session…….

The bus started moving, I kept making surreptitious glances at his arms….which kept rolling over everytime the bus uncle turned a corner….I was totally freaked out…his biceps are Like two Honey-Roasted Christmas Hams from Carrefour! On each arms! Before carving! Unless I can fold my own ribs, I couldn’t avoid touching him……argh!!!! I kept thinking Sweaty Christmas Hams against my own bare arms and I wanted to gag….. My personal space has just turned zero radius...I started holding my breath and cringing...

The worse thing was, he looked like he truly Enjoyed My discomfort! Everytime the bus turned, he kept pushing closer and closer! Wah lau! Then during odd times, I can feel his head turn 90 degrees my way and he would stare at me every now and then. And while I dun have eyes on the top of my head, I nevertheless felt my scalp going sheepishly itchy from embarassment and my hair felt like crawling away...

After the first glance, I avoided his face, I refused to look at him, I scrunch myself tightly to the window and pretended I was utterly fascinated with each tree the bus passed….the bus was roving through a froest, but that didn't stop me scrutinising them trees...tree tree trees!.... anything to keep from having to meet his eyes….*gag*…the top of my head is, like, burning!! He might have grinned, but i wouldn't know! Too busy counting Trees!!!


Eeeeeeeewwww……! That Chao MONSTER!

The bus turned and he rolled right up! my arm, I cursed his ancestors under my breath into the 1008th level of Hell and told myself if he ever come closer still, I shall scream and accuse him of sexual harassment…….

But I never did, I was too embarrassed to kick up a fuss. The thing is, he was so huge like mountain that the other passengers didn’t think he was doing anything wrong by trying to squeeze his body into the seat. In fact, in their eyes, he was doing them a favour by letting them have more aisle space…


I didn’t dare to get up because if I did, how to get out? Squeeze pass him? Like where ??!!! Like how??!! Even if he turned sideways to clear his knees, I’ll have to SQUISH my ASS Pass HIS MASSIVE THIGH!

Urgh….Urgh…Urgh…..those are really looong thighs, ok?.....I’d be so truly molested and he’d be in such fricking Ecstasy lor! No deal!

I was gritting my teeth and praying, feeling helpless and angry simultaneously. I had to slump my shoulders to prevent his arms from brushing up against any other body parts of mine, take slow small breaths so I dun expand my chest too much and conquer claustrophobia….

Soon, I realised it was a case of seeing who gets off first, I started praying it had be him, cos I cannot tahan the thought of manoeuvring my body pass any part of him and his staring eyes, which I bet will rove up and down my body….yuk..yuk..yuk!!! Words can't even express my Disgust! ….


Finally, when his stop came and he got off, I heaved such a huge sigh of relief that everyone heard it and stared at me for my rudeness…..


*Disbelief* Ta-Ma-De! there's really No justice!

I immediately went to bathe myself once i got home….It did not matter that I was not Officially molested at the right places….I might as well have been naked the way he stared (or turned botak)…I had to scrub myself off! Wash wash wash! All away! I shampooed twice!

Then I saw the bruise….incredulously, I’d squashed myself so hard against the window, my shoulder now sported a coaster sized red mark slowly turning blue-black ….

That Fricking Huge F.......Idiot!


*points Middle finger at shower head*


KNN-BEH!! and various assorted Colourful language...



Give me a couple of days to cool off and possibly 10 more baths (and a GI shave), ya? i shall return to my bubbly self soon. :)

Thanks for reading.

out!

AKK
*grumble grumble...curse curse*

Making Love with my Kneecap...

After Hisreason's jogging episode, I've decided to also jog around the garden in my neighbourhood to check out if there's any skinny pregnant young man making leering glances at me, so I can race him to the end of the block, then hopefully give him CPR.....




.....






Oh, damn! Kekeke...


Instead, the early morning was decidedly littered with too many taiqi and qigong aunties who would gladly have rushed to help a young man gasping and lying prone on the floor. There are also a lot of older, 30-40-50 year old men who also wouldn't have mind giving me a liplock if I had not survived my own jogging.


So it's a jungle out there....unlike somebody's anti-social neighbourhood, my own neighbourhood is packed with tights-wearing, sweaty and beer-bellied predators ready to pounce with overflowing helpfulness should anyone meet with an unfortunate accident.


So I jogged and jogged and ....*gasp gasp pant pant* jogged some more. Trim-My-FAT-ass campaign is actually bulldozing its way to success extremely well.... I've begun to suspect that the fatty ass I've complained about was actually 3kg worth of water retention during PMS...


However, my bust line has not returned.


Is there any way to put the water in my breast than to bulge it in my butt? I'd like to know.


Anyway, the point of this entry is not about collapsing mid-jog/fat asses or overzealous aunties and uncles. And since I don't wear contacts nor specs during jogging, I'd be hard-put to notice any blurry blobs running straight towards me, much less notice if they are male or female, dog or human...




Er...I take the opportunity to apologise on behalf of all those other girls out there who jog half-blind: to all the taiqi aunty, qigong uncle or manly man who glanced our way, we are not fierce! We are just squinting very hard to see if you're our neighbour...


Strange but true.


Half-way through the jog, I cracked my left knee again....



I've had this sport injury since JC, when I was quite a badminton player....then because I was too busy trying to look cool and look good in front of my Crush/1st BF, I did not do my star-jump warm-up as vigorously as I should, preferring to ...sigh...jump less high and land more demurely rather than go thump! thump! thump! like an elephant on rampage.


So a freakish misplaced landing on 1 of the most beautiful smash I've ever served bent my left knee outwards literally and tore my ligaments 2 out of 3. I was told after the incident that the whole hall reverberated with a resounding 'CRACK!' when I managed to straighten my leg. My whole class went green and nauseous from their vantage point at the spectator seats. Ever since then, my left knee has bent left, right and even backwards anytime I remotely try to move faster than a crawl, or suddenly turn directions. *Whip around-- *Crack!**



Yes, very sad...*sobz*



Oh well, to get on with the story, I crack my left knee during the run yesterday. Thankfully, I didn't totally crash into the jogging path, I mean, I could see the 30-40-50 blobs were already hovering near, preparing to give assistance. I immediately straightened up and pretended I dropped my MP3 player...after a bit of stomping to straighten out my knee joint, I continued to run and apart from a twinge here and there, there's hardly any feeling....


so I tot no big deal and continued jogging.


Then today...there's a sense of deja vu, I couldn't get up from bed again. My left knee has gone rock-hard-solid!


Like a day-old corpse with rigor mortis......


no kidding, man! I told myself as I took slow measured mincing steps half-bent like my late great-grandma on her way to the toilet....my jogging also added lots of aches and pains in my thighs and feet. Right now, as I am typing, I'm flexing my toes...even my pinkies hurt...



there's a pattern here, I know it. Ever since I set up this blog, I end up injured almost everytime I went exercising. First time, I got saddle burn, now I am fricking nursing a sprained knee.


Did I tell you my Mum's a Chinese Physician? Yea, a certified one! She is so good at her work; she once stuck acupuncture needles on my leg while both of us are watching PCK. Needless to say, I never let her near me with her lethal weapons anymore.


So this time, she just handed me this Hong Hua Oil to apply….she was watching TV again and thrust the medication right into my face…and I screamed… Yes! I thought my conservative cheongsam-togging mum had gone berserk and gave me a sex toy!

Obscene! Cos the bloody medication is shaped like a dick! *gasp!*


Then I became like, really fascinated with it…My God, judging from some old porn I chanced upon during JC, it was the same size, same shape and to some guys, even the same pinky colour as a real meat-and-2-veg!
















Oh Gosh, I cracked up! I limped back to my own room out of sight from my mum and started holding the phallic symbol first this way……

…and that way…to get the perfect angle…..

…..it even looked like it had a little hole at the tip….

Muahahahahaah………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How come no one ever told the Fei Fah Group of Companies how the bloody thing looked like??? How come nobody told them?! *gasp!* I can’t breathe! I’ve got to masturbate that thing to use it! Hahahahahah………..


Ok, so I’m not going to talk much more about this monstrous obscenity or else, I may end up setting a bad example to my lil’ brother, who may be reading this. I may also end up as the classic mountain tortoise in bloggerhood since anyone who ever sprained an ankle has probably seen this….Suffice to say: I was this idiot laughing by myself in the privacy of my own room while gliding the pseudo-prick up and down my kneecap …*chuckle*…


…My kneecap is having sex…and burning from the oil secreted…

Nonono!..…I shouldn’t go further liao…I shall stop my entry right now…



Out!

AKK :)

MSN wins!

to all u nice nice ppl out there who give me your opinions!!



I shall officially close the polls! thank you all for your input! the votes are as follows:

10 votes for MSN, barring repeat votes, hehehe...

friendster totally sucky and 2 votes for yahoo messenger!

I have since downloaded MSN and currently trying to set it up!

Obviously, cyberspace would not have been half interesting without you guys around!
so i shall be very thick-skinned and ask that you guys add me into your contacts. :)


My email is akkueh@gmail.com, pls feel free! Ok if cannot add me lah, I can understand!

Thanks again!

out AKK

Second opinion(s)! Is MSN useful?

Hi all!


My dear friend/bud/sister from my 'indecent proposal entry' just hantam-ed me about getting MSN.

Let's just say I'm really pretty techno-bimbo (without the prettiness). I dun have friendster (becos i dun have many friends) and I dun have MSN. In fact, the most connection I have to cyberspace is through my blog.

But of cos, Mr IT here thinks its too little, he thinks that MSN is better than talking on the phone. I tend to agree, while i pay my own HP bills, my dad foots the Cable, ehehehe....

But before I subject my darling lappy to such an invasive action, I require more opinions. So I've decided to ask me fellow bloggers since you are all probably much much more into this type of online techy than I am...sighz...

Is it really useful or was it clearly the most irritating thing you ever installed? And if I get it, what am i to do with it?! is friendster better?


Thanks in advance for your voices! :)

out!

AKK

I’ve received an Indecent Proposal....

I’ve received an Indecent proposal.


Oh yah….exciting eh? OK, maybe some of you out there get indecent proposals all the time, but must give AKK a break, ya? She’s pretty virginal about certain things….like clubbing, pubbing, sex, men, boys, sex, Life, and indecent proposals…

Although I’m pretty hard-up lah, I admit. I mean, I don’t study Biology for no ding-dong reason, you know?

I studied it because I wanted the extended Sex Education that goes with it. Sadly, MOE sex education is dryer than an old maid and I also got short-changed when they abolished Dissect-Rina-Rabbit-and-Name-Her-Organs in RV just when it’s my year to do it!

I heard that they cancelled it when our seniors were found to take concentrated pleasures at skewering the poor things. They eventually drew a life-sized outline of a dead rabbit on a large pink vanguard sheet, then scotch-taped the rabbit ears, paws and bobtail on it, complete with blood.


Then they mask-taped the macabre poster onto the white board in the teacher’s lounge during recess…..


But I digress….back to dum-dum-daaaammmm…Indecent proposals.

What I’m saying now is the truth hor. I think that all those who really really know me and really really are my friends in real-life shall now take a slow breather and think carefully….

There are of cos certain questions you have to keep in mind which I shall answer:

1) Is this for real? Yup yup yes.

2) Is AKK a slut? Cos not, you’d be the 1st to know if I am.

3) Is she hanging with the wrong crowd? You guys ARE my crowd…if it went wrong, it’s YOU…

4) Is she really so gorgeous that some guy can actually come right out and give her an indecent proposal? Actually, I’m asking that myself too hor…but then I’ve heard cases of men being able to just go ahead and do it to ugly women so long as they have bags on their heads, the women, that is, although it’d also do for the men to wear them too.…

So, I shall now regal the tale. It happened with a phone call from an extremely old friend. Ok, so this person is out from my present crowd, he’s an anomaly. So maybe it’s not your fault, guys, it’s probably his, ehehehe…. We are close friends, we are. Best Buds even, if you believe that ppl of the opposite sex can be so.

We are talking about virginity, or the ‘having’ of it, and the want to change the status to ‘lack of it’.

Yes, all, we are talking about me. I’d make Britney Spears blush at lying to the church for her ‘no-sex’ vow, when I can only be aghast at myself for still being a virgin without even trying to stay as one. In fact, I’d go further to say I’ve never cared for that pc of flesh and have been trying hard to lose it since JC. It does not help that I spent a few years wasting time on an idiot who didn’t know how to take what was freely given, nor the heartache that subsequently made me give up on men in general.

So we were lamenting (I lamenting, he sniggering) about my poor state of ‘she-who-Really!-has-not-ever!-been-laid’ and discussed at length why this is so.

We arrived at the following conclusions:

1) It cant be that I’m not pretty enough. Poor lighting can solve this easily.

2) It must be that most guys do kiss and tell, therefore the risk is too high to take.


3) It must be cos I know too little guys.

4) It must be cos I only know decent guys who dun dare to even voice out suggestion of it in front of me, nor do they think about sex all the time.


5) I must look very very young, and very very innocent.





So we then made a list of the things guys would like about me to bed me:

1) I’ve got a more than decent chest (by now, you’ll all realise that the word ‘decent’ and ‘indecent’ shall be the catchphrase of the day), but I hid it under loose tops, so this doesn’t count.

2) I’m articulate, so I’ll probably be able to slot in words between gasping and moaning, which my dear friend revealed is a very good thing, becos some girls can be so done up in excitment, they hold their breaths instead. They don’t even gasp, much less moan…


3) I smile a lot. He does not explain. Maybe guys dun like to see their gels frowning in the act.





Then we made another list of things that guys like in me that they won’t like in the girls that they bed:

1) I think like a Man. Even now, I’m talking about these things to him without gender-bender issues. I’m also talking about it freely in a public diary. No blushing, no shu-nu-ness (which I abhor in girls). He say I should be more teh-teh (girly…*gag*) and every now and then must giggle a little and look, Pls! for God’s sake, look Ditzy for once!

Personally, I already think I look pretty clueless most of the time, but he pointed out there’s a difference between looking ‘cute-dumb’ and just… 'dumb’…

2) I might be too frank and blunt, guys like their ego stroked *snigger*. I’d burst out and say he’s not ……well, you can fill in your own words.

3) I look unapproachable. Ok, I took offense at this becos I’ve been very friendly to everyone. But he countered that when I’m alone and walking along the street, my face looks like I just killed someone remorselessly.

O-kayy…


4) I’m too intellectual. I took offense at that too, becos it’s not my fault that certain guys get intimidated just cos I happen to read voraciously. He said that I have a tendency to actually pick up the thread of conversation which a guy said only to impress a girl with, hoping she wun know enuff to counter the line of logic. He said guys are afraid when gals blurt out, ‘but I tot I read somewhere that…’


By then, I’m starting to see the direction of all the-whys and why-nots already. The kind of men we are talking about are the ones who think they are God’s Gift to women and asks for very little in their chicks to offer more beyond being able to scream, ‘harder!’ and ‘Yes!’, ample body parts to grab and peas for brains.

So I started whining about stupid men in general why can’t the Real Decent men also function like an Indecent one sometime and just give me a proposition!

That was the cue, I must admit. Then he said, ‘Take me lah!’

‘Huh?’

‘Huh wat? Dun act dumb again lah. Take me lah!’

‘Take you for what?’

A super Big Puff of Grievance into the phone.

‘I meant that I’m giving You an Indecent Proposal, and this is coming from a Decent Man who is trying to act Indecent for Your Sake!’

‘God, you’d do this for me?’

*smug tone* ‘Of cos, that’s what frens are for mah.’

‘But I couldn’t! I know you much too well, you’re just another Me!’

‘Yup! Best way! It’s like having sex with yourself as 2 separate entities, you can’t get more egotisical than that.’ Then being a chemist by training, he said, ‘If it bugs you, you can always just treat me like an Ap-pa-ra-tus.’

‘What?’

*another huge sigh*…. ‘I mean… You just do all the work and I’ll just lay prone.’

‘This is turning into a rape scene.’

‘Ya, man! You’d be fulfilling my dreams too, u know. All men secretly want to be ravished.’

The very idea! Wow, it just blows my mind! Here’s someone absolutely convenient, who keeps his mouth shut, who knows who I am and doesn’t have to pretend to like me much to, well, like me!

The more I thought of it, the better it sounded…and then I hit a wall….Wham!

‘Nnnooooo……….!!’ I wailed into the phone. ‘I can’t do it!’

‘Why the hell not, sister?’

‘That’s why! I’m your Sister! I talk to you cos we are Sisterly!’

*I started cringing with goosebumps* ‘You’re, like, a sibling! That’s, like, super Incestuous lor, I’m not Lesbian!’

Silence on the phone…..then….he also started screaming.

‘Argh! You’re right, man….I didn’t think! Having sex with you would be like doing my own brother….argh,…I’m not Gay!’

So we started insulting each other for being too Man, too Woman, too Gay, too Lesbo…the ‘apparatus’ idea got thrown out the window…



Then there was a flurry as we both starting rubbing our arms to get rid of the goosebumps…


‘To think we almost commited incest!’

‘Well, if you weren’t so depressed abt it, I wouldn’t have mentioned.’

‘God….Frigging my own sister!’

‘Don’t say it, don’t say it! I’m getting sick again!’


I know what you are all thinking…so chey, right? I think so too. My indecent proposal was shoved under my nose then hastily withdrawn in less than 5 min…

Chey…



So I said it to him too, I said ‘chey…..’

Then he replied gustily, ‘No lor! Not chey, it’s more like Choi! Choi-choi! Next time, we shall not talk to each other when I’ve a pint of Heineken in me hor. I’ll have to deal with you cold-sober…’

I started giggling…really giggling……

‘Thanks, buddy, it’s nice to know you offered to sacrifice yourself.’


‘That’s what friends are for, although you’ll never hear that proposal coming from me anymore…sorry pal, can’t help you there.’ He gave another sigh.


I giggled somemore and he intoned like a teacher, ‘now That! Is what I call a Giggle. You better practise. Work with me. Like..heeheehee, not hehehe, nor hahaha and especially not HurHurHur ….’

And of cos, because he started it, giggling turned into a full-blown orgasmic laughter.


So we agreed that pieces of flesh are not worth the loss of a buddy. You get such buddies only once in a lifetime. I will regret to no end if I took up his offer.


I also think I still prefer big laughing over the giggling, and having someone to make me laugh like this over losing my own decency at its expense anyday.


A tribute to my friend and of cos, keep your mouth shut! But you know already. Thankee, buddy.


That’s all!

Out,

AKK

Favourite things part 2

The days of non-stop typing really took their toll on me. Just yesterday, after all the added excitment of seeing quite a few ppl in uniform till the late hours...yea...go check out Jayaxe:)....I went to bed with a small headache...

and woke up like 5am in the morning nursing a full-blown migraine...I couldn't get back to sleep...I downed four acti-fast pills, only to regurgitate them up later... i was alternately warm, cold and clammy...classic migraine symptoms for me actually.

It's time to go ER for that anti-vomit, anti-hurt jab...

But my mum said to bring me to this 24h clinic nearby, so we had to wake up my Big bro to take me there.

Let's say that it's a Jap car. it's very good and all that, but the ride was bumpy and jarring all the same....somehow all the roadbumps became 10m in height and every slow-down is a wham! on the brakes...

I was getting green and going seasick in our family car...

The thing is, when we eventually got to where my mum tot the clinic was...there wasn't any 24h clinic! it's a 'open-until-12-midnight' clinic....

by then, i was seriously thinking about banging my head against the pane to end my miserable life....but my mum was becoming panicky and my bro is starting to smoulder...

I took all of 5 sec to comtemplate half-an-hour ride to emergency vs 10 min to the comfort of my own home and hastily groaned out.

'deng chu deng chu....' (go home go home)

so i had another 10 min in the car trying to keep another 4 panadols from making a detour...

when I finally got home, i collasped in sheer joy for having a stable place to rest my head and immediately concussed, which is a great thing, becos the hurt went away and my brain is no longer screaming....

So today when I woke up, apart from a bit of heaviness, I'm fully recovered. So today, I see the blue sky and green trees and start thanking everything Life has given me. I figured I'm lucky to be alive.

having pain is telling me that Life without it is truly beautiful. It's a form of appreciation.

I think I'm glad i turned out this way. sometimes my eternal optimist just refuse to stop waving her pom-pom and cheering. Times like these, i see happiness in almost everything...even the migraine... other times not like these, i would have loved to slap my internal cheerleader...

Thank goodness it's only migraine. I can deal with it. 4 panadols, an iron stomach and sealed-up lips....


so I took this opportunity to put some of my favourite things again...apart from books...because I can't bear to even glance at any words right now...yes yes...I'm barely getting my entry out...slow and steady...











as i've said before, this is my Medium White Purple, isn't she a beauty?! her shoots are growing healthily, so a cause to celebrate!






Big White is not too lucky. Although his flowers can stay this fresh for months, he's taing a beating from the hot sun in our balcony, so I'm bringing him into the house at my mum's abject refusal....

pic removed....sorry



The pussy cat whom i always visit at Clarke Quay. Very fat and Fluffy and very friendly! Even if you dun have food around you, she recognises you...ahaah...loyal kitty. Alas, she's been taken by a Malay family, so says the Boat uncle...so she's not around to greet me anymore...sighz...at least she's got a good home and all the food she could get! Which is more than my petting can give. :)


Pic removed...sorry....

Last but not least, my Godson. i mean, it's not official Yet but i'd like to shower him with gifts come every CNY and x'mas and have him call me Gan ma.....maybe I shall give birth to a gal next time and then arrange for their marriage? then can have cute cute grandkids...I've got everything planned out right now to my grandkid's names, ok!! A girl can dream, can't she?

anway, he's my colleague's son....sooo cute right?!!!! if i can have kids that look like that! haiyah...then I'll have to go find myself an ang moh already. Anyone taking up my offer of marriage proposal? no? sigh... guess not...:)


i love my Life, did I tell you that? yes, it's got its ups-and-downs...but hell, it's a good life still! friends, family, relative good health...got clothes, got money...dun need more already...


BTW, I'm not Christian, I'm Buddhist. I know my religion is not exactly a cup-half-filled, it's more like empty-cup-best. But it does drive home that sometimes we all need to take a step back from our busy lives to savour it. Not take things for granted.

if there is no migraine, I'll not appreciate the lack of pain when i don't have it.

i also appreciate my normal non-babbling self, becos I'm right babbling now. pretty sorry, it's a lethal combination of work, Men in Uniform, gagging and sleepy painkillers. I shall stop myself right now....

Thanks for reading! Now pls go noice the blue sky out your window/cubicle/office!

Out!
AKK :)

Close but no cigar!

*Except for sarongpartygirl, names have been changed/abbrev to protect privacy* and unless someone emails to akkueh@gmail.com to say they’re ok with it, I’ll not release more details than is necessary (although I’m dying to)…


Today is a day for truths!

Yes yes! I’ve been sooooo...bloody busy rushing a dateline that I’m in front of the PC all day long. I was soooo... busy, I didn’t even got the chance to go online and read all my fav blogs (haiyah…see my links…there there)

So when this morning I read the paper about SarongPartyGirl and her nude pics, I knew I was missing out too much already, so I took 3 hours off to do some online browsing at all my links and also try to see if SPG’s blog has crashed yet.

She hasn’t! So I spent some minute being a voyeur…meaning I just scroll for pics and din read…..if I was a man, I’d be having those artistic hard-ons, u know, like see, no touch, very hot, but oh-so-arty-farty pics at the same time?

OK, so not so arty-farty….but really quite stylo-milo…

I’m babbling, I know. I’m not making much sense right now. This comes from having to finger-cramp 12 hours a day and STILL find something interesting happening in my life to blog…..

So obviously, unless you’d like to read about me chipping my nails on my Darling Lappy, or read about me admiring my orchids and counting the number of new shoots they have…(oh oh! Little White Orchid grew 1 new shoot! Big White Orchid’s leaves looked a bit scorched from the sun…Medium Purple-White had her first inflorescence today! Weee…!!!)…..nothing interesting is happening in my life right now!

So! I went to read other ppl’s life! And what do you know?!!! Treasure!

First, I update myself on my own blog because I only remember my own URL, that’s what my links are for lah, like handphone list. ..to put those blogs I read about in, so I dun lose brain cells remembering... I know! Such a wuss…..

OK, so for today, I obviously went to SarongPartyGirl first before I went to my own blog, but that’s not the point. ….

then next I click is X ...

sigh...this guy is, like, my hero? I started my own blog(s) because of him. sama sama story like all humble blog beginnings.... I started it to get a blog name so I could comment on his...like most ppl do so they could comment on Xiaxue...

so it’s a habit of mine to turn on auto-pilot.

Lo and behold! INTERESTING! He went and had a blog meet-up! Ahahahaa…...all the while he always say he try not to meet lah…....dun meet better lah….....not good idea meeting lah…....haiyah…...eat your words lah, my fren..:)



So he met Y and Z, both very prominent bloggers, I assure you, and of cos, being bloggers mah, they subsequently all went and gave 3 different witness account of the whole meet-up. If you won’t write about it, you won’t be a blogger liao, you can lie about the number of ppl attending, or who attended, even say those ppl are actually your relatives…but no matter what, you’ll blog about it because it’s too good an opp to pass up.




So of cos, I read all three accounts, becos it’s my idol we are talking about! Then strike gold! Weeee…..


Got PHOTO!!!!!



His photo! Ahahahahah…..oh gosh! My idol is a uniformed Navy/AF man! Oh Goodness! He’s hot! Really hot actually….sigh….



Is there no JUSTICE in the world? He’s hilarious and hunky at the same time?!! you can be both?! What happen to geeky glasses and gel-back hair 60s style?!!! Where’s the skinny skinny arms?!


oh all accounts, he is quoted to be Mr SweetHeart...sighz...

And Jurongpoint?! I live across the street! I was eating at Fish and Co with my best friend! There! yes! yesterday! That place has got loads of Navy/officers/AF passing thru. I could have seen him! I'm, like, desparately trying to recall right now....the thing is, I thought I did...it's not everyday can see navy/AF guy with 2 cute gals...a lot of navy/AF but not with cute gals.....sadly, since he’s with 2 pretty gals, no more eyeballs left for me even if I was there…

Dis i see him? Maybe...then again, maybe not...

Afterall, a blogger won’t be a blogger if she doesn’t blurt out something. She may lie or change name or say she’s at home writing up…

But it's too good an opp to pass up...









haiyah! in the words of Li-er...so Hansem!!!

that's all. I'm just gushing now becos fate is really so funny?



It's not as if i love Fish...

it's all pretty close...but no long cylindrical smoking thingy...

out!

AKK

My Life before My Eyes....

Dear all,

Shall I reiterate the fact that Life is no Joke, nor Peach nor a Box of Chocolates?

If Life is a Joke, we’ll only take our breaths when we are dead.

If Life is a Peach, it’d be free of constipation and we’d spend whole lifetimes stuck on the toilet seat.

If Life is a Box of Chocolates, our dentists would be World Leaders and no one would know the meaning of ‘thin’, ‘slim’ and ‘smooth skin’. We’d all be sore-throated, fat and pimply.

Why am I talking about Life? Because in the space of 2 hours, a small fraction of my own life, I experienced the whole spectrum of the Human Emotions like white light through a kaleidoscope.

And I experienced it standing in front my BBoss and his Buddies… in a room full of colleagues (read:>10).

By the flow of the entry, you can tell that I’m not feeling any kind of euphoria. But nevermind, just read on…



It started when the 3 examiners entered the seminar room booked for my presentation. I took it as an extremely bad sign that they actually not only arrived early to get the best seats, which is close enough to decipher even the small prints on the PPT and trace every new wrinkle I grew seeing them sit so near me, but also came in with bouncing steps.


Serious…you know what I mean…not rabbit-hopping, which goes ‘boing boing boing’, but rather like Sharity Elephant in Overdrive with Anorexia...…yea…


…… Skippity Skippity Hop…

You would have thought they’d have a bit more respect for the soon-to-be-dead, but no! They had huge wreaths of smiles on their faces and joked and laughed among themselves and shifted their chairs closer and closer to the projection and hummed….


Yes! I’m not Joking! How to joke?! *sobz*


By then, I was experiencing Apprehension, Anxiety and Personal Space Invasion. Then, while I was smiling nervously at them, BBoss saw the presentation notes nestled in my hands and said laughingly,


“Hey hey! Are those notes I see? Put them away or I’ll fail you.”


Wham! Disbelief, Panic and Fear soon made themselves comfortable in my heart, lungs and tummy. Of cos, for a split second, I also felt Suspicion in my own hearing, but when the other 2 nodded their heads and said ‘Good idea, you should get all your info from the slides.’ I felt Despair greeting the others.


When I put away my notes, I also lost the umbilical cord to Organized Thoughts. The PPT had over 60 slides with animation….I started feeling Forgetful, Lost and Helpless.

Then I started my speech. It started OK when I could still remember what slides came after what and all the points with which to touch on each….but those were only the first 7 slides.

On the 8th slide, 1 examiner burst out with a question. I’ll not bore you with what question he asked, except that it was a good question, a valid question. It was also a question which I forgot the answer to.

I felt my face heat up in the midst of my own silence-- Humiliation, Embarassment and Worry took up elbow space. I stuttered out a vague answer which brought more questions from the judges….I begin digging my own pit for my own grave and still the questions won’t stop coming. My colleagues had Shock sitting among them because it’s technicality a no-no to interrupt a presentation and with Bewilderment, they watched the examiners hammering questions after questions into me.

Of cos, I do not have to tell you that subsequently after that, everything went downhill. I forgot my flow of thought and began to succumb to Terror and Confusion. Almost every slide they stopped me and questioned me. I became totally Disoriented and Overwhelmed and start reading my slides. I started taking cues from my colleagues who nodded and shook their heads accordingly so I knew when I was making Sense and when I wasn’t.

It was supposed to be a 45min presentation with 15min Q&A but, it turned out to be, yes, you guessed right! it was 2 hours worth of The Most Exciting Momentous Moment in my Whole Life.

Finally when I reached my last slide, I was barely standing, my left knee had given way and cracked everytime I shift. I was totally Distraught and had aged 10 years. BBoss asked if the general crowd had any more questions, but by now, my colleagues were too sorry for me and too tired to open the floor for discussion Again and thus, filed out quietly.

BBoss and examiners whispered a bit agitatedly before telling me to ‘pls leave while we settle some more issues’. There were more issues? I felt that I was done for already...


I was all alone along the corridor and now had my chance to experience some Private Hell. BBoss and his buddies had looked so grim….Is Hyperventilation an emotion? Oh well, I experienced that too. I saw a red mist and thought I was slowly fainting from all the Exciting Fricking Excitement.


Less than 5 minutes later, all three of them bounded out and found me standing there with a bloodless face.


BBoss immediately made another accurate observation, “So it so bad? You looked like you’ve seen a ghost!”


Then he gave a whack on my back and exclaimed,

“You passed! Well-done!”


Then I felt like I was really fainting. My downtrodden dying heart suddenly leaped into life in a salmon and almost gave me a heart attack. My face flushed again and my body suddenly experienced zero gravity. I think, if I didn’t know better, it might have been an orgasm ….


I experienced the Joyous side of Life once again. 256 million pixel colours chased away the red mist. My lungs suddenly expanded twice their size after shrivelling up in Dejection. My knee miracously recovered…..


I’ve come from Zero to Hero….


In front of the smiling trio, I burst out, “WHY?! I thought I was going to fail!”


BBoss replied amusingly, ‘Of Cos, who wouldn’t? I asked them to pull out all the stops! We deliberately made it this way. We already knew you’ve done enough, you did good work, I’d be the first to admit it. We also did it to raise the standard for all Examinations from now on.’


Happiness, Joy and Butterflies Suffused into my tummy….I don’t ever think I’ve heard him praise me so…

Then he turned to the other two Extras and laughed, ‘And frankly, it was really quite funny watching your face do acrobatics, we had a bit of problem keeping a straight face. We want to see how far you can go before crumbling…’

OK…so the Happiness level was trampled abit by Betrayal and Resentment. I quickly said, ‘Thank you.’ Before I decided those Wasps don’t deserve it.

I also think I’d better stop this post now before I really whack BBoss for that horrible thing he did to me. Because at the bottom of it all, I passed. I did well and he gave me my heart’s Desire:

A Fricking HUGE Kindergarten STAR!



And it was really shall go down in history as the most momentuous Moment in My Life, it’ll be utterly unforgettable because I had my head scalped for this.



In fact, it is everything he promised it would be.

He is such a Fricking Genuis...

I got My STAR!


That's it!

Out,
AKK :)

Ps. thx for the well-wishing! :) everything's ok now!

It'll be an EXCITING week...

Hi all!

This week I'll be having my presentation. It's like this small little American Idol get-up, with a panel of Judges who may or may not act like Simon Cowell, but sure as your mum gave birth to you, will never ever act like Paula Abdul...


BBoss said to me that everything's gonna be mighty fine, because those examiners are Buddies of his, my heart sank like a stone... His buddies comes to his office to chat about SCIENCE.....


Anyways he said,


"I know how you feel. I don't want you to leave this institution without a challenge, without a fight! When I had my PHD defense, it was sooo boring, I felt no excitment at all when I passed. My examiners don't ask thought-provoking questions! So I say to my pals, I say: we're gonna be responsible examiners! We're make this presentation of yours an event that will stay in your heart forever! You will remember it as one of the most momentous moments in your life! How about that, huh?"



"....................."



I'm so f**king DEAD lor! Apart from setting up my Powerpoint, I'm also writing my Last Will and Testament. I also felt like booking a high-rise suite in Westin...


What did he mean by exciting??!!! I'm fricking Scared of Excitment, especially during a fricking Defense! I've already have enough excitment from watching cartoons and reading comments in my blogs! In fact, hearing those words coming out of his mouth is, like, the most fricking exciting thing in my 26-yr-old life to date already! A few days from now, this exciting record is gonna be broken by his exciting buddies under his express wishes! *cringe*


Why I so Scared leh?





Because this is how I usually work. Never at any point in the time-space continuum-um, have I absolutely grasped what the Heck I was even doing....


OTOH, My BBoss does not act like this professor. He is all-knowing and I'm serious. I'd even go a bit further and say that he is really fricking smart at pinning details that you hope he'll never notice...

..I'm so dead...


So right now, I'm trying me best to study study study and ppt ppt ppt (powerpoint lah) to become all invincible in a couple of days. I hope to end up like this blondie....




Being perfectly convincing without having to say anything...


of cos the final goal is not actually to just pass the test. The ultimate, if it could happen is to hear the all-knowing-all-enlightened Being say these golden words to me.


What he said to me was true, if it all goes well, it'll be a freaking momentous moment in my short Life....it shall go down in my personal history like a fricking big Kindergarten STAR...


well, OK....If it doesn't, it'll also be the most momentous moment in my Life also....NO! I shall not think about it! Focus focus......


I want my STAR! Focus!


so yes, you guys take care and dun waste finger-pointing energy clicking here the next few days cos I shall be busy carving a future for myself. I'll know by Friday...stay tuned for good news...


Out,
AKK (frickingly excited):)

Trim-my-FAT-ASS-Campaign

Hi all!

‘Trim-My –FAT-Ass’ campaign is now up and running! Literally! 2 days ago, I huff and puff my way past the garden near our flat. Also, yesterday morning, I remembered something important! I actually have a POWER RIDER! Yes, I know, I know! How can I actually forget that there’s 1 huge gigantic piston-pressure, 13-resistance-level, height and seat-adjustable exercise machine place in my own bedroom somemore?!

Haiyah, tell u why, because I’ve had it since year 1 of Uni, those days when I strongly believe exercise can make u thin.. 1st year, I was diligent, I used it 3 times a day, then the minute I achieved my 4-pack (yea, I actually did…gosh), I congratulated myself heartily, placed it to 1 corner of the room and used its as a clothes rack.

It’s been like, in my room like this for 5 years already! Then as time when by, I added my Ikea rugs onto its saddle and hung my bras and pants and blouses all over it becos truly, its handlebars were oh-so-convenient! Just the right width with the soft sponge to prevent my clothes from creasing and my cups from caving in, compared to when I just stuff them all into my drawers. It’s a piece of art, is my power rider. The designer was a genius, I tell you, for making it fit so rightly as a heavy duty hanger.

I unearthed this monster beneath all my clothes.... see how the pants drape beautifully and how the rugs stay in shape?

So after clearing away my blouses and a few hangers of pants and of cos, removed the brassieres and the rugs, I gingerly sat on the rider again after so many years and tested it out. Pull up! Ok, no problem. Push down! Righty-ho!


I’ve got the hang of it, I remembered the feel of the power machine resisting my arms and calves and thighs muscles as I pushed and pulled my way up and down. Up, up, up. Down, down, down…. The resistant, the drag…I remembered… I started to worked it harder…


up …….down…..up ……down……


feel the drag…yea….the black monster beneath me……

*groan*…hard, dark, steel……between my legs.....It’s…so Hard!...Harder!...Up! Down! Up! Down!....Yes! Squeeze.....

Work those thighs……Oooo yahh……harder harder….yes!.....up…down!.....

faster….faster! God....one more...more...come on...give it to me...squeeze....harder! ...faster!...more more more!!!!



































*snigger*








Ahahahaaahahhhh……………oh, you guys are sick! I’m just exercising! Okok….Sorry sorry, I couldn’t help it. I always swore that my mind were a river, it’d have dead fish in them. I can see R(A) in ANYTHING…ok, almost anything except family, relatives and my late pet hamster. Besides that, I’m as corrupt as the Dalai Lama is holy….eheheheh…ahem....

Oh yes, anyway, I managed to do 500 reps! (up and down and up and down….) It’s so boring! And no, I did not achieve orgasm at all, had to do all the work myself, hhruumph! So with all these reps done, I was quite tuckered out already, all sweaty and stuffs….

Sigh…..Story of my Life yah? All the sweat and the pushing and pulling and the intensity and the satisfaction and the hissing (me) and groaning (me)…. If only I wasn’t talking about/to an exercise equipment!

So yesterday morning I rode *snigger* the thing, then bathed and changed and did my work and ate and slept….everything ok, no problem.

It was today morning when the pain came. When I went to the bathroom, I realised that I couldn’t sit…I couldn’t even pee! I was tottering like an old lady with combined rheumatism, arthritis and 2 broken legs…It was God-awful!

It wasn’t just my thighs and calves, which had totally locked themselves up like pretzels and refuse to unbend without excruciating pain. No Siree! Guess what I had?

Guess…..


I had……..


Saddle BURN! My God, it’s what little kids have when they plonk their smooth Johnson’s baby Butt onto a spanking new hard seat on a bike for 5 hours! I had been sliding back and forth on the saddle seat for less than ½ an hour! I had to do my ‘rear-pose’ test again (prev entry), except that this time the mirror angle had to go right down and I had to bend painfully and awkwardly to achieve the view. I saw and I almost fainted….I have like 2 strips of sashimi (read: raw and pink) slapped on me! 1 on each butt cheek! The horror….I think will scar….


And the pain…*groan*…it’s waxing x 100 (!)


Of cos amid all the aches and blisters, I had to get on with my Life bravely, I mean, I have my dignity! Even if every now and then, I had to clutch my butt every time I took a normal-sized step. Then after a while, I achieved a walk that gave me maximum speed with minimum aggravation. I started walking very fast in mincing tinny steps with my legs set wide apart.

I walked like that all over the house.///


And my MUM (retired and therefore home)…..She kept watching me from above her glasses, then finally, she asked me,



“Why are you walking like an Ah Kua (Gay man)?”


Really! Trust her to say such things! So embarrassing! I couldn’t possibly tell her! She’d first die laughing and if that didn’t kill her, she’d chase me down like a truant child, strip me and apply Zambak!


So I didn’t tell her…..


I told you guys instead…..



no one is as stoopid, so Enjoy my predicament…*groan*

Down but not out,
AKK