Rabbit Parents

hi all!


I know that Zhebin has broached this subject before but I am pissed. Really really pissed.

Pls don’t have kids if you
1) Just like the sex ie. You cant wait for the condom to be worn before you got down to business.
2) Are Too young ie. You are still beholden to a Principal who sent you for detention for dying your hair.
3) Are Poor ie. You live off your parents and what you make can only feed you alone or less. Worse, you are unemployed and have sex with your gf/bf to pass the time.
4) Are seeing a married man.
5) Aren’t prepared. And this counts in all those who are pro-life ie, die die also don’t abort the child, must keep it becos of religion, moral, ethics etc.
6) Are violent. Having a kid won’t make a man start thinking pink elephants and tune down his anger, ok? Having a kid also won’t solve your depression in a marriage going downhill OR make him come back. If you can think like that, you’ll need to see a counselor. You are obviously more disturbed than you think.

You know why I’m suddenly talking about this? Becos of the Saturday edition of the Straits Times. The whole day started innocently enough with lil’ sick me watching Jimmy Neutron and Spongebob on TV, then bad choice, I had to pick up the papers and start reading the back issues.

Pages and pages of kids being introduced. Their background, their poverty, the lack of space in the house, the lack of privacy, the lack of education, the lack of parental guidance, the lack of love, the lack of food.

I can go on forever: the lack of a table to eat and do homework, the lack of a quiet environment, the lack of communication, the lack of everything that a child should be provided with.

Perhaps as you are reading this, you may think that I’m being too much. You may think that while some kids do have less, they are being brought up to understand that money is very important. If you are thinking like this, then pls go back and read the papers, I have no time for you.

The thing that really gets me furious, that really got me mad, was the recurring action the kids make in every one of these articles:

They load themselves with lots of tap water to tamp down their hunger pangs. During recess, during dinner, when they sleep.

Pls tell me this isn’t right, that no one should have to do this.

Because I’ve done it. And stupidly I did it because there were chocolate chip cookies in the bloody fridge but I didn’t want to brush my teeth again while preparing for bed. So I drank water. I remembered how the water bloated me and rolled all over the tummy and made me toss and turn in bed. i subsisted like this for a few yrs, when somehow at around 1030, my stomach will start to rumble.

And while the thought of putting anything in my mouth makes me faintly nauseous after all the water, it doesn’t stop the hunger and the feeling of emptiness. I hated that feeling and reading all these articles brought these feelings back to me. To know that these kids had to do it, not by choice but by necessity and having to do it every single meal-time irks me.

I hate feeling upset over social-economics, I hate feeling angry over stupidity. Because why these kids have to be read about in the news is due to their parents’ stupidity.

Example no. 1 and this is not the exact one taken from the newspaper, it is certainly like a summary of most the stories combined:

Mum marries dad and have 3 kids. Mum divorces cos dad beats her. Mum works to bring those kids up. Up till here, I was thinking, fine, wow! Brave woman! Then…mum meets another guy. Guy becomes step-dad. Then mum and step-dad have ANOTHER 2 kids. Now five kids squashed in small flat. Mum stops working to look after kids. Then step-dad loses job. Becomes violent. A family of seven squished in a small flat filled with anger matches and fights.

Example no 2:

Mum married Married man and had 4 kids. Married man went back to his country to his own kids and wife. Mum works as menial labour to bring them up. Met another guy, married him and had a MORE kids. Step-dad became abusive and they divorced. Last count: 6 kids,1 parent and no money.

Example no. 3:

Parents hold proper jobs like sale personnel and admin. Have 3 kids, but all foist onto the grandma. Every month, both parents rather spend on buying new handphones, pay for their extravagant phone bills, get gadgets and MP3 players and CDs and watch movies, rather than pay for the babies, diapers, milk powder, clothes and their education. Get subsidies from the gov’t.


After reading about these articles, I have come to a few conclusions and I shall be nasty about it:

These parents are uneducated. I don’t mean education as in go to school and get your Ns and Os and As paper. I mean education as in condoms, contraceptives and the simple mind exercise of actually bringing yourself to think a bit further than your current situation. To them, life is a tunnel-vision, they cannot see the horizion, they only see 1 pinprick of light. They don’t plan what to do and how to do and where to go, they just go with the flow, just drift along. Spend now and heck the future. Oh dear, I’m pregnant. Again. Let me cum in you, we won’t be so suey. Mum, I love him and I want to marry him. In any case, there’s always divorce.


These parents don’t love their kids, they love having them, but they don’t love them. If you love your kids, u’d want the best for them, at the expense of your own happiness, yes? Then why is this kid having to drink tap water just to fill his tummy and yet watch you balloon every single year to give him a brother or a sister who will only fight for his food and make him drink more water so he can give up his share? Why must there be so many kids???!!! Most couple I know stop at 2 or 3 and they are already strapped for cash and these people earn 2-5 times more already, so why doesn’t the mums from these examples just stop producing? They are like, like, rabbits!!! They can’t stop rearing!


Don’t give some crap about the joy of motherhood, the look of these cute babies when they were young.


Pls see that each and every one of these children are not like pets, they are not bunnies! They have a life span of 60 and above and are entitled to at least have 3 square meals, a proper education, clothes on their back until 18, and this is only the logistics. How about the emotional needs? To at least let them have something to be proud of? To pick up their heads? A form of self-respect? Like ‘I may not have books, but my mum stopped her handphone subscription just so that we have the money to buy newspapers everyday/every other day/every weekend.’ In case you don’t know, a monthly subscription of the Straits Time/Lianhe zaobao/ hand delivered to your home at 7am in the morning is $23/month, less if you just buy off the stands everyday. Or ‘I don’t have $2 for pokemon cards, but I’ve got $2 for recess.’ Rather than, ‘ay, buddy, you have money to spare, my dad used the last dollar to buy toto.’


if you can't provide for them, then DON'T!


Finally, I’m going to say something really bad right now. It’s bad because it’s my honest-to-goodness opinion and because nobody likes to be told the obvious. If nothing new is done and no effort is made, then poverty literally begets poverty. Poor people birth more kids than they can handle. This is absolutely inherent in all the examples in the newspaper and in this entry, baring the one example where poverty is a result of a fatal accident or illness of the parent.


If one is poor and one has just 1 or 2 kids, then things would really be less taxing, won’t it? Compared to 4-6 kids? In fact, another article in the Times has another example like this: Dad and mum have 1 kid. Combine income, after CPF, after house loan, after ultilities, household expenses etc etc, enough to get by. Then couple wants to have another kid. Now got two kids. Dad tells mum to stop work and rest. Income cut by one-third and family member increase by one-third. That's half the pay for per member of the family.

At this point, things would have gotten worse (I truly believe) because this couple wanted to have FIVE kids, but heng heng, they signed up for this Home Ownership Scheme where, in order to enjoy $50,000 off their HDB loan, they must agree to stop after 2 kids. In fact, it is legally binding only if the mother went for ligation to tie herself up.

Can you not see what I saw? The gov’t itself believe that poverty is perpetuated by breeding more than one can care for and that poverty itself, breeds more than it should. The whole deal is in 2 parts. Why does the gov’t give this scheme to low-income groups and not to high-income groups? Why ask us to have more kids and give more babies and still have this scheme to stop low-income groups from having more? Why not tell high-income couples to stop at 2?

Because low income couples tend towards birthing more babies and more babies by low-income people increases the poverty line and create more poverty-stricken adults.

If you still want to argue, then think 3rd world countries versus Japan and Europe.

Everyone loves to hide behind words like ‘stereotyping’ and point accusing fingers, saying that not all examples are like these and that there are others who have successfully emerged as winners through poverty and hardship. Of cos there’s always a hero in every category. Of cos there is always the winner in all these examples.


But I am talking, not about them, but about the normal, the majority, the 99.99% of the rest of those water-imbibing kids. I am talking about the kids who need help, who cannot but feel terrible about themselves, whose tummies rumble even when it’s packed with water! I am thinking for them!


So never never ever ever have kids when you are poor! only have kids when you are truly prepared! Prepared meaning a proper shelter, a nest of savings wholly for the child, insurance and RESPONSIBILITY. Don't let your kids be bunnies!



argghhhhhh!!!!!!!


out!
AKK

24 weird things about me?

hi all!


tagged by Ollie on this:

Actually I never think much at all thought about myself so much, nor have 24 weird thing that bears writing on paper. I do in fact, have weirder frens though.



1. I hit 55kg when I was just in pri 4 and only 1m tall, bullies used to play dodgeball using with me to squish smaller and lighter kids.

2. I was a self-serving bitch in primary till sec 2 school who didn’t have any frens. I am the original kiasu/kiam-pah kid featured in i-not-stupid. I believed that jack neo used me as his muse.

3. I use to read Shakespeare for leisure. Yes, I am also a smart-ass then. My all-time-favourite is ‘taming of the shrew’.

4. I use to listen to celtic music….like riverdance…and actually watched Yanni’s concert at the acropolis on TV and cried.

5. I have bigger thigh circumference than my own hubby. As much as I want to believe it is true, he does not have chicken claws for legs…

6. I look like a boy so much that until I was in sec 1, I routinely used the men’s toilet whenever the female ones are too crowded. That occurred until even my dad got uncomfortable that I would spring up behind him and make him lose concentration that he ordered me never to appear in a male toilet hence.

7. when I grew my hair longer and looked a bit more on the right side of the gender race, the HK customs refused to let me pass after seeing the old pic in the passport and asked me why have I got my brother’s passport in my hands. I was so embarrassed and held up that I told him to please note the moles on my face and check they have the same orientation as the passport photo. He scolded me and ordered me to change my pic when I get back.

8. I am really dirty-minded. The first thing upon getting internet was to check on how to get pron undetected.

9. I am really dirty-minded. The first thing upon knowing about an online book company that caters to SG was to check if they have erotica.

10. I am really dirty-minded and like all dirty-minded beings, I’m the last to really know what I’m missing. In fact, although I tried to find pron on the internet, I still didn’t know about how sex was done until I saw the educational video in sec 2.

11. When I found out about it, I screamed.

12. Whenever I cut my nails, I’ll always always forget to cut my right index fingernail until I have put the cutter away and washed my hands.

13. I was a da nai ma puo-ba in JC, that in itself is not a weird thing, it’s the not-knowing-wat-happened-since that is.

14. I had successfully lost weight through 2 different diets last time and am proud of it. One was the milk diet, where u substitute all your liquid intake into low-fat/hi-cal milk and drink around 4-6 glasses of it everyday. Eat normally still, mind you.-2 weeks-->2 kg. but then, it maybe because I’m lactose-intolerant. The other is the water diet, you literally drink at least 2 liters of water everyday, no change to diet, 3 weeks--> 2 kg. but since I’ve never liked milk nor water…I stopped already. But it worked!

15. I am admittedly most enamoured of Terry Prachett and his books. I still have yet to get my ultimate wedding present of all his 28 (and counting) titles in sealed, mint condition. I have read all of his books at least twice, if not 5-6 times.

16. I don’t have 24 weird things about myself.

17. Oh yes, this is one of my most boring entries, but that’s not weird either.

Does anyone wanna contribute to more weird things abt me? Esp from frens? Ahem….



Out,
Akk (sick like Zhebin…)

ps Jaschoc, I have the entry for the meme but i don't have the laptop with the doc. so i do this first. paiseh.






‘What good is a god who gives you everything you want?’

YOU HAVE ME THERE.

‘It’s the hope that important. Big part of belief, hope. Give people jam today and they’ll just sit and eat it. Jam tomorrow, now- that’ll keep them going forever.’

-Albert, Death’s manservant, explaining the concept of humanity to his boss in Hogfather, Terry Prachett.

The Green Comer *koff*.

Hi all!


You know you are in big trouble when at least 3 of your blog entries are related to your handphone. So far hor, the adventures I’ve had with my Motorola L6 have been in the following sequence:

1) Choosing between a damn chio chio Nokia or a really san-por L6. It was the fight between being superficial (nokia for 300++) and being miserly (L6 for 8). I guess the decision was easy. I rather be an ugly miser with loads of monies than a super-chio spendthrift spending my own money….of cos if there’s other ppl’s money to spend, then I might not have written so much about my handphone caper in here….*long suffering sigh*


2) Letting my san-por L6 do a 6-storey bungee jump without bungee. Enuff said, the heart can only take so much.


3) Having to realize that the fricking minute I took an itsy step into the fricking office, my handphone now become ‘emergency calls only’. Because of chui-kueh (now sadly defunct, not him, the blog), I am not allowed to swear here, although I actually think he already knows all the 10,000 swearwords in various dialects and foreign language and even the extra 300 from ancient texts hidden buried under the fallen nose of the sphinx, so I shall say mother-choujidan-ing jidan-er, or fricking fricker or extra-chou-jidan-ing jidan-er or even chou-fricking-fricker-jidan-ing-jidan-er.

I believe I am in a position here to make all handphone owners cradle their phones and kiss the CustomerServiceOfficers regardless of all the bad blood you’ve spurted over anything remotely connected to your communication device and that is this:


At the very least, if I
- kena get my cellulite pinched by the photocopier which I’m illegally sitting on with to find out my plunking surface area. (I find that doing it without pants will give a smaller surface. Really.)


- kena get my hand stuck in the printer while trying to steal change the print cartridge.


- Kena face burnt and cut by the PC screen when the moniter blew up due to opening too many windows of hot scalding pron EXCEL spreadsheet.


I can still call 999, 911, 995 on my handphone and let the Home Team crowbar my butt off the feeder (with gloves for their protection.); unravel my ribboned hand (multi-coloured) from the rollers; remove the shrapnel from my pimply face (or leaving it as an improvement. Rubber gloves. Thickness 3 mm.)


HOWEVER, and this is where u rejoice that such a thing should happen to me so that it will not happen to you, thanks to statistical probability, is that while all corners lets me call Home Team for pranks during break time, 1 eerie spot in the room not only has no ‘emergency calls only’, it has ‘no service’ half the time and ‘no sim card detected’ the other half.


Now imagine that spot (jidan jidan jidan!) to be my cubicle.


Yea……u can all French kiss your friendly phones and the walls of your office in deep appreciation that they are holding hands of reception.


So now I am currently still holding on to a skinny, post-mortem, post-trauma handphone, sitting alone in the Bermuda Triangle right under the nose of the green umbrella.

And so the entry today is about the coming of the green man (hur hur). To my delight, an urban myth has been answered during his coming (hur hur hur). I mean, I never really seriously asked if all employees of the orange/red/green companies have to have a orange/red/green subscription for their HPs respectively, but its actually true. All green ones subscribes to green, red to red and so on.

So imagine again that I called the green company who sent a green man to come (hur-okok stop) and get some surveying done to find out if there’s really some missing patches of green. He was 15 min late in coming (snigger) and when he found me, told me he had being using that 15 min trying to find out where I was.

With his green phone.

I didn’t even have to explain anything and he already found the cold lonely spot I’d been sitting for months. In any case, I wasn’t mentally capable stringing any words together after realizing I am looking at the cutest guy on the block at that point in time (a very easy feat actually).

‘Ma’am, I’m now going to find 5 more spots of non-activity, so that we are able to contact the higher powers to start acting. You know where I’m coming from?’

I shifted my eyes downwards before realizing it’s only English and hastily skittled them up and

‘Yes yes, *koff* I know. Would you like me to come with you?’

Oh Gods. Behind my placid eyes, the angel in me was on his knees begging that I’m hopefully the only gutter-brain in the office, if not the world, while the rest of me was trying to make me break out in chuckles. While the innuendo flew pass his head (heng ah!) into the horizon, the eventual constipated look must have warned him some.

‘I’ll be fine doing it alone.’

‘*koff* OK then. Enjoy yourself. *koff koff*’


With a wierd look, he left me stuck in a coughing fit.

Suffice to say, it was all too easy to find 5 spots of non-activity in the whole area, my own spot being the worse. The green man himself look slightly sheepish and kept saying he himself also very paiseh over this very valid obvious hole on the canvas of the umbrella corporation. He had finished his surveying in 10mins flat and didn’t need any of his 007 tools from his impressive suitcase.


Nah, he just walked around the whole room and looked at his phone.

3 days later, I got a call from them saying that the ‘building has rejected their enhancement proposal’.


That, if you aren’t aware, is the euphemism ‘we offered to correct the problem but your company refused to pay.’


So…..I am back to square 1.


Jidan jidan jidan….


Thank goodness I’m leaving this horrible place soon.


PS. For the record, the green customer service is really good actually. At least they entertained me all the way and are unfailingly polite while I ranted and raved and cried and simpered. The problem isn’t exactly with them. Guess it takes 2 hands to clap.

It's official! I'm moving...

...to a new job!


Because of the following reason:

I'm a ghost in there. my mail still gets shuttled to Lost and Found cos they still don't know i exists. I don't get welfare emails sent to me becos of the same reason. for the longest time, I got my salary by approaching Finance for written cheques cos my staff ID isn't ready. I got no immediate employer whom to report to or be taken care of. I'm constantly fighting my own battles to get a measly increment promised to me and HR refuses to talk to me (via phone or email!!!). Worse, the susperiors listens with righteous indignance to my predicament, and instead of helping, say, 'we are behind you! go Fight!' Shall I just say that they are the ones who agreed to increase my pay in the 1st place? my contract is a measly 1 year and when they renewed it, it's only for another year and it's exactly the same as before. Hello, I'm sorry, but I need to point out, wtf I study so fricking much for if it wasn't to get more monies? I'm fine if I get employed on a low deal because I'm fresh entry, but at the very least, pls recog my further studies and my actual conferrment when I've recieved it on my new contract.


And all of them say, 'well, if you aren't happy with the conditions, then don't renew your contract.'

Oh yah, what arrogance.

And so I didn't.

so when 1 of the more clueles superiors knew about it, the following conversation occured:

'excuse me? you are leaving? why didn't you tell me? how do i care whether you gave a 9 week notice, what are we doing to do when u just hightail off like that? Yes, i know you didn't resign, you just decided not to renew, but you never told me your contract only 1 year! you could have said and I would have made it a 2 year contract for you, no big deal!'

incidentally, the one who said that? he was the guy who decided to MIA from the panel of interviewers during my application for said job. during then interview, I asked for a 2 year contract and they say they coudn't. so how about giving you an increment come the new contract? then u'll promise verbally to stay for 2 years. so no increment? no verbal promise of 2 years. sorry. in any case, it's a blessing in disguise the contract only 1 year, so they cannot bug me for anything, cos I did not tender an resignation at all. heng ah....

so now, I'm off to greener pastures in a few month's time.


hur hur hur....one up ur ass, man.

But of cos, not burning my bridges....I shall miss my colleagues here, whom have been actively keeping my precious secret of sourcing for another job from the superiors. I know if I leave, they'll be doing all the extra work, but they still encourage me anyway.

I am extremely blessed.


Thanks you guys for not hating me, but a promise is a promise is a promise. no increment? no stay.


Out,
akk

Treasure of the world

Warning: Long entry. Proceed at risk.

Once upon a time, there lived a King in a faraway kingdom. He was a fighter, this king. Everything in his life, he fought and won them. He waged battles to increase his land and his coffers until his kingdom was the biggest and the richest among all others.

The King was so much a fighter that he could never be still. When he wasn’t trying to expand his lands, he went on quests to search for all the oldest and beautiful artifacts to add to his mounting collection of war trophies. At the same time, his people loved and respected him for the fairness he dealt in all things and for his strength and thus they made good the land that he won for them.

And then there was thus more money crinkling in the coffers and more treasures, gems and diamonds in the castle keep. He had the rarest old silks by the bale which ancient production techniques were long lost. He owned the largest ruby in the world, taken from the eye of the Snake God in its temple filled with, till now, manic followers. He slept on pillows filled with the feathers of phoenixes died and reborn.

The king, it was touted, was the owner of all the treasures in the world.

But the King was not happy (of cos, I think you figured). He always felt he needed and wanted more. In the middle of acquiring country A, he was planning a hostile take-over in country B. He went out of his way to acquire all the treasures in the World, but he’d only feel that minute of intense joy when the last enemy threw down his weapon or when he held an exquisite work of art.


One minute, and the fleeting excitement will leave him hungry for another conquest.


When the King finally conquered the last state in the whole world and made it his, he left his men happy and contented that their final ordeal is behind them and went alone to rocky cliffs. On the needle shores of his newest conquest, he fell to his knees and wept in deep sorrow.


Your Highness….


Startled he wiped his eyes quickly and looked around.


Your Highness….


He was sure it was the wind echoing his name.


Why do you weep so, whispered the Wind.


The king felt small in the presence of the wind, which can be as gentle as a breeze or as terrible as a hurricane. He felt compelled to answer the omnipotent entity.



‘I am not content. I have everything I could possibly desire but I desire none.’ The King confessed in a low voice.



You seek but you see nothing, said the Wind. You fought your wars without Just cause. Did you think that this world was made for you to possess?



‘It must be so because I have united all lands under me, I possess all there is!’ The King was angry. He felt he had not been taken seriously.


‘The world is mine. Everything you see, it is mine. All the treasures in the world, Mine!’


Do you now, laughed the wind. And suddenly a large gale whipped and crashed the waves against the cliff where the king stood. The King swung his sword this way and that, but of cos, it did not work.

How about, challenged the wind, the treasure of the World?

‘What?’

I bet you don’t have that, laughed the wind again, causing small pebbles to blow into the king’s face.

‘What is this treasure of the World? I have never heard of it.’


You’ll not know it till you find it, your Highness. And once you find it, you’ll be happy.


Hope tinged the King words. ‘You have a cure for my sorrow?’



Never will you want nor desire more, it will complete you.

Thus said, the wind stopped blowing and the sea grew dead calm. It was gone as quietly as it came.



And the king, full of hope that he can be happy, went back and tidied up his states. Once he had appointed all his ministers and assigned all his duties and kissed all his wives, he disappeared to set off on a journey for this mysterious treasure of the World.



It was to be the beginning of a decade search.



The king back-tracked and retraced his steps. Traveling alone, he journeyed to all those lands he had fought and won. Everywhere he went, he found new things to see, smell, hear, touch and taste. Once he saw these conquests as, well, conquests, but gradually he begins to discover that the world was so much more than something to be gained, won, and then tamed.



Some places (like X, Y and Z) were so foreign that it did not care about who was governing them, much less notice a change occurring in the monarchy. There were some places where the news took years to reach and the people who lived there thought nothing of politics and war. In one, only the four seasons and the endless fields of vineyards and small red or white grapes kept the peoples’ interest. In another, only the monsoons and the endless fields of saplings in knee-deep mud and the pureness of husked rice occupied their attention. In yet another, only the half-year of sunshine and the endless cold icebergs and the trawl of silver-scaled fishes filled up their lives.



He was tolerated as a ‘nice young man’ in these parts, although it was generally agreed laughingly that he was a complete dullard on everything.



He had asked them about the Treasure of the World (with a capital T? You sure?), but seriously, and they told him so, if there is such a treasure call that, they’d have changed its name immediately. But while they could offer no help as to the real honest-to-goodness so called Treasure of the World (and here, they’ll roll their eyes), they did, however, offered their opinion what they thought is The treasure and welcome the strange man with the funny accent to it.



‘Have a drink?’ asked the X-ians.
‘Have a bowl?’ asked the Y-ians.
‘Have a bite?’ asked the Z-ians.



And while the King would always say, ‘I need to get going; I need to find my treasure.’ Nevertheless, he would always stay for a little while longer just because.



Many a time does a recurrent thought intrudes on the King: that there were so many different beings in the whole world, and they all behaved and thought differently. yet they bleed like him, fall sick like him and given the choice, walked on 2 legs and sleep lying down. A mirror of himself multiplied a gazillion-fold and with each copy occurs within itself an mismatch, a change, a difference. The King was astounded and learnt new things everyday, the type of grapes grown, the name of different grains, the difference between 2 identical fishes. But most of all, he learned to appreciate. And relax.

So the quest became longer and longer. The Treasure of the World seemed less of an enticement with each year. Like an excuse, he used it to open up their hearts to him (after rolling their eyes at the name). It was the same every time, he’d ask them and they tell him it’s a terrible name (terrible terrible!), before proceeding to announce what they think it should be and introduce it gladly.



And so in a blink of an eyelid, 10 years had gone by. The King had since traveled to all his kingdoms but realized he had barely scratched the surface. During then, there were several manhunts to look for him, but the drawings of him, oh how he guffawed! All wore a crown and a set of chainmail. It is as if the royal painter, who had known every single curve and precious stones on his circlet of gold and velvet and had recognized every dip and dent of the steel chink of his chain, had had a sudden attack of amnesia trying to recall the king’s face. It is as if the essence of himself had been built under his crown and armour and that once they were exchanged for peasant clothes, he had morphed into somebody else, the kingliness in him that everyone recognised had been borne off by his appearance.



One day, the king once again found himself at the edge of a cliff over a rollicking sea, admiring the horizon of sunrise. Sometime during the recent months, he’d heard that the kingdom had finally declared him dead and stopped all searches. His eldest son would be taking over the running of the land and under the well-meaning hands of his ministers, would be groomed as the next king.


Which is all very well, thought the ex-King, but suffered a twinge of homesickness at that thought.


Hence he faced the sea, knowing this is where the wind was most easily spotted.


Cupping his hands, he hollered, ‘I have been to the 4 corners of the world and back but I have not found this Treasure of the World you have spoken of. No one knows what it is and everyone thinks it’s something else.’


‘My desire to possess it drove me, but although I still do not possess it, I now desire it not.’


The wind did not comment but the ex-King felt the breeze picked up.


‘You have said that having it would complete me. But I now feel complete without it.’


A hollowness in his ears greeted him, but the wind remained silent.


‘You said it would cure my sorrow, but now I have no sorrow for it to take away.’


The waves begin to climb higher as the wind grew stronger and whipped around him. The King tried again.


‘I have not found it but I am happy. I am content!’


And a huge wave from the suddenly turbulent sea reared its head and crashed a foot from where the ex-king stood.


‘But I need to know! I need to know what this treasure is!’



Then jump! He heard the Wind spoke. The wave rose under the draw of the Wind and froze itself like a tendril of finger, beckoning the king.



The giant sized finger waved at him and the King, for all his heroics, felt at once terrified by the strength of the wind and by its erratic temper.



He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaped. The finger wrapped itself around him and melded back into the sea. Again the sea immediately calmed and the wind continued on its way, laughing silently.


A burst of cold salty wetness hit the king’s body like the shock of a cough sweet he once took from a medicinal villager.


Once again, the wind had left him with cryptic words. That thought persisted until he realized that while he had been busily trekking the lands and mountains, he had not searched the seas.


Perhaps the Wind had decided to let go of subtlety and hustled him into the cold wet blue instead.


He floated and drifted through the currents and asked the schools of fish the same question. But of course the fish had no concept of treasure, being that gold and silver did not fill their tummy. Although they did direct him often to the many shipwrecks drifting through eternity with their skeleton crew.


The king despaired. He really wanted to go back onto the land, but when the anatomical water enclosed him, he had grown gills and breathed water. When he tried to climb ashore, he started gasping and his lungs started burning. His face turned as blue as the ocean when he finally gave up and accepted that he had, if temporarily, become a fish with 2 legs.


He regretted his curiosity. The Wind was right. It knew that the king wasn’t truly as content as he felt. If he was, he wouldn’t have asked to know the answer to what he had been searching for. The horrible thing is, is that he felt that he was on the verge of discovering it just when he was summoning the wind but had taken the easy way out by asking.



‘I’m in this way over my head.’ Said he and chuckled at his lame joke.


Just then, an octopus as big as the king lumbered up and settled beside him on the deepsea coral. For once, someone had approached the king instead of the other way round.


‘Mmm…excuse me…’


‘Yes?’ said the king.


‘I have a problem…mmmMmmm.’


‘I have been searching for something for quite a long while…Mmmmm…could you help me?’


‘Please don’t tell me you started out being human.’ The King’s heart grew cold.


‘Oh no no, been a squid all my life….’


He relaxed. ‘Ok, what?’


‘Mmmmm….I have been looking for something called water. Do you know what it is? Water? Only that no one here seems to know.’


‘Why!’ the king swept his hands around. ‘All this is water!’


‘Where?’


‘Here!’


‘What, the corals?’


‘No! You can’t see it because you’re in it!’



Suddenly, the ex-king's head snapped up and his brow cleared. Like a hurtling train, his past experience for his whole life rushed by, like a series of snapshots.


His mum, his dad, his first horse. His men, his wife, his kids. His mornings, his noons, his nights. His love, his laughter, his anger. The sunrise, the sunsets, the stars, the moon. The horizon, the breeze, the rain.


The wine, the rice, the fish.


He started laughing and ignored the octopus (which was ignoring him also, so happy it was whirling like a UFO), great big gulps of laughter that peeled his insides. At once, the water that had magically not affected him began to make him uncomfortable. His gills abruptly disappeared. Half gasping and bubbling with joy, he stroked with strong arms till his head popped out the water and he could breathe again.


'I have it! I have it!' He shouted it to the bright blue sky while bobbing in the waves. And did the ex-King laughed and whooped in laughter at his own stupidity and cried tears of joy that he was given the opportunity to possess such a great gift.


And the wind, invisible but always there, looked on as the ex-King swarm back to shore and returned to his beloved kingdom. It watched as he officially retired and handed his elder son his crown (whom he buried in the garden) in a big grand ceremony. It watched when the king sent men to upgrade the villagers of X, Y and Z, who while happy that somebody had come to fix their dripping roof, was nevertheless unsure who exactly, is the king now?


(Oh aye? Oh, him. He was a nice man, but a complete dullard. We 'ad to teach him everything. Looking for Fool’s gold, we told 'im. He must have discovered finally that our wine/ rice/fish is indeed the Treasure and have rewarded us for our wisdom. Thank you, my man. Incidentally, there’s a patch over there you’ve missed. Yup, over there. You're welcome. Want to try a little of our Treasure?)



And the wind would watch as the old king stand on the cliffs to watch the horizon and the sunrises and the sunsets and hollered its name, thanking it for wisdom everyday. Sometimes he would bring his wives and sometimes the new king. And while the wind never answered anymore, it would breezes to swept the old king in acknowledgement.



And Wind agreed that while the old king was a complete dullard, he was nevertheless finally, a happy one.

Out,

AKK (alive and happy)

Helllloooooo Moto! A Letter of Complaint

To Whom it may concern,


Hi and how are you? Glad to know you are fine and all that. No, I’m not very fine, thank you. I am writing in aggravation over a particular matter.

It pertains to my handphone, which is a Motorola L6. As a company who is drawing immense profits above margin, I’m sure you’d like to know how one of your many many lucrative products have been faring in the possession of discerning customers like me, who put their connections to the World ‘in the line’, so to speak, on the Monkey-King-try-to-fly-over-Buddha’s-Middle-Finger-in-Her-Palm-But-Failed-miserably-Kinda-Hands for your safe-keeping.

My complaint is this: Why the smelly-egg hell did you make your handphones so skinny? I’d spent a full 60 seconds searching desperately through my 50-liter rucksack in order to stop that incessant ringing (yes, why your phone so loud also?). It was that or face the wrath of all the MRT morning crowds trying to catching their additional winks sitting and standing.


Yes, the embarrassment I had to go through under their hot bloodshot stares when this hum-sap lao han actually poked me, POKED me on my shoulder, just as I was stamping down raising panic, just as my pencil box bursts its seams and all its innards as I whipped it out to dig around for the phantom ringing phone in said bag, just as it rained pencils, erasers and staplers onto a small growing island of restaurant napkins, umbrellas, my windbreaker, used tissue balls and loose paper around myself.

When I faced him, hair all ragged holding onto a torn pencil bag, he dared to reach around and poke me again, POKED me! On my BUTT! The audacity! The fact that he was pointing out the L6 has been nestling in my back pocket all along did not change the fact that I had been publicly harassed, and had not the L6 been layered between my luscious butt and his pudgy fingers, my skin would have been dented. DENTED and MOLESTED by his hairy paws.




…..wait a minute….. *pause*


OK, you win. So the L6 stopped that hum-sap lao han, So? I’m sure if L6 had been as thick as Nokia, I’d be SAFER from his evil pointer. For one thing, it would have been further.


Yes, by twice the distance.



So the original argument still stands that your phone is too fricking thin. I should know because before that MRT fiasco, I’d been smoozing in front of the mirror pretending to be Liz Tyler with all her gold parts, I mean, Cards. I’d popped L6 into my back pocket (and sexily drew it back out and slowly pushed it in again and…..) and promptly forgotten about it.


It was so skinny, I didn’t feel the stretch of my too-tight jeans.


If it was thicker, that growing island of my belongings on the MRT floor will have served a genuine purpose.


Another Thing! And this should wake up your idea even more! Your emaciated design of L6 made me drop it from 6 storeys high! SIX!


The fricking (ran out of eggs) garden was so fricking BIG downstairs but the phone crashed onto the tinny concrete gutter running along one side anyways. I am fairly sure it was because my L6 ‘fluttered’ on the way down. I blame it entirely on its aerodynamic design and light weight. Surely the wind caught it and whisked it right over the dirty drain. Your fault!



It split into THREE, man! Split into THREE!!! It bounced three times, THREE! First bounce and I saw, from way up, the back cover fell from the main body, 2nd bounce and the battery fell off, 3rd bounce and my swaroski phone accessory smashed. Smashed to BITS!


My heart still bleeds at the sodding memory...



I tell you, I’ve never ran down 6 storeys so sodding fast before. Never have I suffered a near-cardiac experience in the same series of leaps as each bounce my phone made before. In fact, never have I waded through a gutter trying to fish out phone pieces before.


And Why, oh WHY did the phone have to suffer that kamikaze drop in the first place? Eh? Eh?


Because! Of! YOU!


Yes, you.



I’ll tell you why.



I walked through a rail-less parapet with my magazine held on its spine.

You made it (L6 lah!) so skinny, I used it as a bookmark.

It was so skinny, it didn’t even dent my CLEO magazine.

So I thought it was in my back pocket this time.

Hence I swung my mag without a care.


There.





The fact that I was able to revive my phone is not a consolation. That its metal-enforced casing hardly got scratched was not the issue, it could be titanium-enforced for all I care. That the scratchproof big screen remained flawlessly smooth was not the point.




The point is:


If it was thicker and uglier, I’ll not have been so affected as to write this complaint letter.


But since it was frankly the most Chio-est piece of metal-talking-implement I've ever own for a miserly $8 and a 2 year bondage, if not in my entire Life, I almost required an MC just to recover from shock.


Incidentally, if you want my slightly-ruched-but-still-mint-conditoned phone as a genuine crash-test-dummy proof of durability and moi as spokeswoman for any advertising purpose, I shall have to warn you I don’t come cheap.


Oh yes, my warranty is 20 days late, you’d better approve it.


Yours in aggravation,
Ang KuKueh

Shuffle shuffle Meme :)

Hi all!!

Muahahahha….so apt till it’s a bit scary. Here’s my meme from jaywalk. Because you asked, I shall do it!!!

And yah, I did not cheat hor, so hor, kena shock when I saw the answers. Come on lah, I got 150+ songs ranging from instrumental to punk rock, Gypsy Kings to Linkin Park inside the player and still the answers came out like everything predestined like that.… hmmmm……….

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.


How does the world see me?

Put your head on my shoulder-dunno.

Wahlau, first song and its one I’ve never heard for years since I always chose the other folders to play. I guess this means I’m pretty much a rock that everyone can depend on, solid solid like the deposits of fats I have around me thunder thighs……..



Will I have a happy life?

Xiang xin wu xian!!! -JJ Lin

Muhahahaha….fantastic answer! In case you don’t know, it means ‘Believe no end’ in direct translation. Song by JJ Lin about have boundless hope for Life and the future. Cool!


What do my friends really think of me?

Left my heart in San Francisco-WestLife.

Hmmmm…..I dunno, I never really like the US nor have thoughts of visiting it. Perhaps my friends think I super-blur, like xin bu zhai yen like that, talk to me I never hear one. So heart not here but somwhere else....



Do people secretly lust after me?

Burn-forgot who sang it.

Fwah! This song is one of my favourite, about this guy who cannot keep this girl out of his mind, whenever he sings the word 'burn', he turns on his falsetto voice, machiam like he suddenly got kicked in the balls and become eunuch, or he is having a very huge hard reaction to the thought…ahem.....

Hur hur….u all lust after me ah? Kam siah kam siah! I know u denying lah, no worries, I understand….secret mah secret…..



How can I make myself happy?

For once in my life-Frank Sinatra.

I think this song deserves some history. It’s the song I reserve for my hubs, I gave him this song burnt in CD during the ROM (yes yes, in exchange for the diamond ring, hurhurhur…). So I guess this song just says that I am happy because 'for once in my life, I've got someone who needs me, someone I needed so long. For once, unafraid, i can go where Life leads and somehow i know I'll be strong.'


What should I do with my life?

Walk on the wild side-Dave’s True Story.

Well, what do you know?! Goodness, has my life been previously so staid and boring? Hmmm…ok, I just answered my own question…



Will I ever have children?

poison-madison garden.

Wahlau……I poison or they poison?


What is some good advice for me?

Kiss from a fool-george Michael.

Eh? Maybe I shall sneak into a 6-yr old's Ronald McDonald party and force RM to peck me on the cheek to ling wu some sort of Cosmic Truth on the Meaning of Life....


How will I be remembered?
I’m so repentant-Dave’s true Story.

Choujidan, machiam like cursing me like that. Must be in the future I’ll commit some super big crime and end up having to suffer guilt the rest of my life…

Oh wait, it could be just about that chocolate muffin I scoffed just now.



What is my signature dancing song?

Let there be love-Nat king Cole.


Weeee!!! I’d gladly dance to this song. In case you don’t know, Nat is singing ‘let there be birds singing in the trees, someone to bless me whenever I sneeze, let there be Coo-Coos, a lark and a dove, but first of all, pls, let there be love.’ Essentially the take that Love makes you see the things you often miss! ya ya, another one of those boundless heaps of hope for Love and happiness songs....yea...*sniff*




What do I think my current theme song is?

love in the first degree-bananaramamama

(ya ya, I know how to spell. I just dunno when to stop.).

Goodness, the whole entry is starting to turn mushy.


What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
shake it off-Mariah carey.

Confirm talking about those fat deposits....and the muffins.....


What song will play at my funeral?

if you ever fall in love again- dunno.

Good choice. If I ever left this big beautiful earth, pls let those who love me not grieve. Find someone else and make sure he/she loves you as much as I did.


What type of men/women do I like?

Real Thing-Lisa stansfield.

Because I am also Real.


What is my day going to be like?

All Woman-lisa stansfield.


Wah lau! Speechless! I’m meeting my close-knit clique of gal friends tonite!


hahaha...it's been fun while it lasts!

here's the meme to:

zhebin
nadnut (cos i know u have lotsa songs)
Tempest
Barney
li-er
jellygirl
and Wally.

And to all who want to do it also. It can be quite eye-opening!!!

Out!

In the midst of writing Story of D, which is turning out harder than I ever thought it could be,

AKK

Buzzing like a Bee!!!!

Hi all!



Wah lau! Kachuaz comments really killed me siah, sorry sorry, I have been MIA for so fricking long that Ollie has had a dream about me blogging an entry, sheesh. Just to say that I’m in the midst of a transition, hence there are a million and one things I had to do and by the time I manage to hit Sunday in 1 piece, I’m too tired to on the fricking lappy (oh no! I wasn’t scolding you, Lappy, although you’ve been giving me a bit of a trouble as well…ahem..) and type as much as I’ve typed all those fricking days in the office.




Just a very short note to tell you all that


1) I am not involved in the 4 car pile-up along the CTE,


2) neither was I part of the 10-strong so-called ‘cynical’ youth generation sent to interrogate our darling MM LKY (who pretty much grilled them on the barbie in his fuss-free and chockfull-of-needles fashion that I love so much). Sorry, ppl, I’m pretty much a PAP supporter and I like LKY, I cannot see why there should be cynism among the young. Pls go look at our ne1hgbours and their corrupted gov’t, then come back and tell me my PAP hasn’t done a fricking good job putting us on the world map, ok?



3)I was also not involved with the collapse of the KL-causeway plans and



4) although I watched Miss Singapore Universe, managed to survive it, albeit with a heaving and cramped up tummy. (Da nai ma!!! Da Nai Ma!!!! Wahahhaha...!!!) If I may quote one of the contestants on whether local men or foreign men are more attractive----- 'I prefer local men. I've had many ex-boyfriends and they were all local. Some are plump and some didn't have the height and some didn't have very well-defined bodies.....but I LOVE THEM ALLL!!!'





In short, I am fine and healthy and kicking. I have not been utterly idle though (like chwee kueh), because as of now, Story of D, vol 2 is in the making.


JayWalk can vouch big time that I am so busy, I can’t even be found on MSN, geez!!!! I’m not idling and I’m not dead!

I also have not visited my very own blog until today, haiz, almost got heart attack when the page refuses to load…..Lappy, you’ve GOT to buck up!!!

Sorry to all whom I’ve not been catching up, haiz….


All for now.

Out,
AKK

-----buzz-----buzz----buzz--------

It can only happen to me...

Hi all!!!

as you can tell from my previous entry, I have been absolutely happy about getting myself the slim-trim motoL6. I have been doing lots of nonsense with it involving lotsa finger movements (I think alot of you aren't thinking straight already....me neither...ahem)

in any case, i was very fricking happy, kept thinking 'great deal! wow! $8 only!!!'.

Fantastic hor?! HOR?!

Yah, I thought so also!

Untill I went to my office.....

the moment I step in, a beep sounde on my phone....and I thought, 'yea! someone misses me!'

And looked at my phone.

It Flashed.....'EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY'....

Freaked out, I started running around the whole room, pointing my HP all over at walls and at astonished colleagues....

My Greatest Fear is realised........

my hp kena zero reception in the office....

KNNBCCB......

Beyond CJD already,

AKK

Updated!!!: Moto or Nokia? Chio or Cheap?

UPDATE!!!
Guess what??! i decided to go cheap and get hellomoto! My miserly self cant bear to part with the extra $160 I'll have to fork out. But when I see the Moto in its true form (they din display the dummy phone for L6), I collaspe at the sheer beauty and sleekness of it. Now, I actually believe it's prettier than the Nokia!!! woohoo!

very sat sat!!! I have been sending MMSes to and fro with my hubby, muahahaha...fun fun!!! And to all Nokia users, I KNOW Nokia IS better and eventually, I'll have to settle back on the Nokia like a long-lost love.

Look at it this way, I'm now sowing my wild oats all over the place by experiencing as many lovers as possible, knowing that their personalities and their good/bad/bitchy natures will leave an indelible mark on me. But my very first handheld Loving, my first and last, will and forever be, the original Nokia 6510... (I think...memory a bit hazy now)....

One day, after I've sampled all that I could until my bad temper prevails, or my eyes burn out from unsensitive buttons, or i explode from wonky short-life batteries, I'll come back to you....

My one and only.....


Sorry that I'm distracted right now...


Wait for me. With open arms. And a marathon battery.


Love,
AKK.

Hi all!

I need help!


Argh!!! Something has happened and I’m all confused! I need guidance, I need advice! I need to see my light at the end of my tunnel!!!

What am I going to do? I don't know what to think! I am bewildered!!!!



Help me!






It’s either the Nokia 7360 at $168 for 2 yr plan or a Motorola L6 for only $8! *gasp!*




Look at this!!!!




Motorola L6, 10Mb memory, 4x zoom VGA camera and a cool fricking $8......anyone??




I love Nokia!!!! But but but…..$8 and a fricking 10Mb memory and 4x VGA camera!!!





Nokia 7360 for $168....comes with chio bag and chio strap and Human technology...




$8 for a higher-end Moto!!! But but but ……no free case, no free strap and no radio!!! And no Nokia technology!!!




Arghhhh!!!! It’s a replay of Jay’s nightmare (stay tune to his blog on Wed)!!! And I told him not to spent on the premium ones….gosh…this is karma!!!


What to do what to do what to do??!!! I now wrecked with indecision and I only got 1 day to decide before the offers up!


I went to the Booth and I left empty-handed. i went to the booth again and I left empty-handed again! THRICE!!!! in ONE FRICKING day! I swear the vendors are fed-up with my rude squint (for when I'm thinking).....argh! anymore now and they're gonna bar me just for blocking their display!

Help fellow friend and blogger stop her migraines....Poll!








Out!! And advanced Thanks!!!

AKK:)

The Story of D, Vol 1....Once upon a time

Hi all!

Let’s take a break from the harsh reality of Life by expressly veering away from the previous topic. C has been reading up on everyone’s comments and I thank all for their contributions. She said she’d keep me updated, but sadly hor, I’m recently too busy for her and vice versa. I’d like to keep you guys updated on this issue too. It’d be nice to know the outcome of it all, no? Whether for good or worse, I can have closure on this issue.

So today! Today, I shall be slightly whimsical and sprout a tale. Have you ever had an idea in your head but you just couldn’t explain it out or say it out? That the very idea occurs as a set of pictures that can only be passed on as a story? Here’s one of these moments.



Once upon a time, there lived a dormouse on a little orchard farm. Everyday in the early dawn, he would creep out of his little burrow and pluck the wild wheat outside his home, and munched on these kernels, watching the lazy sun take a slow hike up the sky.

Come the spring, he’d climb up shrubs and eat the sweet flower petals before the bees drew the nectar away.

Come the summer, he’d climb up the berry bushes and harvest some berries before the robins pluck them from their stems.

Come the autumn, he’d wait for the acorns to fall heavily from the old acorn tree before he’d pick them for storage.

Come the winter, he’d make himself plump and full from the wheat, the flowers, berries and acorns. He would make soft beds of crinkly leaves and bird fluff that fell from the sky, then snuggled up and sleep through the cold heavy snow.



This is our dormouse’s life. In this life, before it changed, he had 2 emotions.



First was happiness, this happens when he spots the wheat, the flowers, the berries and the acorns for his daily meals. Second was fear, this happens when he spots the eagles twirling circles every morning when the lazy sun took a slow hike up the sky.



That was all. He may have felt happiness when the eagles fail to spot him or he may have felt fear when the acorns took longer than usual to fall from the old acorn tree, but he's never said.



The little dormouse only knew where to find food and how to build shelter from the cold and the eagles. That was all too. As long as there are wild wheat outside his burrow, flowers in spring, berries in summer and acorn in the autumn and a long cozy sleep through winter, he know not what or who he is. He didn't have to.



Then one morning, while he was watching the sun hiking, he noticed there were no eagles twirling. Just as he might have felt happiness over it, a net swooped onto him and scooped him up. Quick as a wink, he was bundled into a tinny cage that felt cold as ice against his fur. In that moment, he knew terror. It was white-hot and seared through his trembling body.


In the next few hours, many millions of things happened that had never happened to our dormouse before. He was banged this way and that, then bruised up and down in the swinging cage. He heard the revving of an engine, the clanging of van doors slammed shut, he felt speed although he was standing still and it continued for a while, bumping him along. He saw his first human, then a couple more, all dressed in white as the van stopped and the van door crashed open. He saw a building, all glass and concrete and angles. He saw white rooms in white rooms in white rooms as he was taken deep into the building. And most astonishing of all, when the cage stopped wobbling and the door slid open, he tumbled into a bigger cage filled with ……



Dormice!


Wow! He exclaimed, shocked beyond measure. The journey had been harrowing, and to take in the images of 50 other dormice was something our dormouse would never forget.


Not that our dormouse knew what he looked like. But he just saw many animals with no difference among themselves! For one, they were all white. For two, they all had pink eyes and pink snout and pink whiskers. For three, they all acted the same way! They crowded him out and started sniffing him all over.


The dormouse touched himself and looked himself all over too. For the first time, he saw that his fur was a nice cinnamon brown. For the first time, he found that he also had pink paws. He leaned forward and sniffed the nearest white dormouse and found for the first time, he smelt different! While the white ones smell no different from the white room, which smells like this river near his burrow that floated full of dead fish, he smelt of home.


He smelt of sunshine that chased the dark and hiked the sky. He smelt of the wild wheat outside his home, the flowers in spring, the berries in summer and the acorns that fell in autumn. He smelt of the bed of crinkly leaves and the fluff that he snuggled under every night.


I’m Me! He squeaked.


Our dormouse has found Self.



to be continued......

Chronicles of C Vol 1--Mature Men...

Update: I'm not dispensing advice lah! Just telling her the various actions I would execute if it was ME in HER shoes and the reasons WHY. 'me in her shoes' words are highlighted in yellow.....:)

A very unconventional post today. Leave your opinions on this, if you like but no rude stuff. :)


Hi all!


I went out with C on friday for a drinking session. It’s true that I don’t drink much, because it wipes out the pocket faster than you can say, ‘Gan-bai!!!’ Also, I usually don’t have a proper transport home and I don’t trust the cab driver to understand my slurs and deposit me safely to my parents’ arm in the dead of the night without whipping up my skirts and humping my prostrate body. Yes yes, blame it on my creative juices, if not my hope that men shall find me irresistible, lying there snoring their ears off.


So we 2 gals were in this pretty dead bar. In the shrouded dark corner, there are only us, a bunch of NSmen and 2 uncles. No lah, we weren’t there drinking with them lah, the dark corner is quite big, the NS guys and the uncles were watching a soccer match on the big screen plasma instead.


On the other hand, I was trying to down vodka to get drunk. C just let me in a big horrendous secret which made my eyes go the size of ham-chee-pengs and throat suddenly thirsty for another vodka-lime.


A few things about C….

1. she’s chio (C for chio)
2. she’s tall
3. she’s got a model’s bod (ie towards the skinny side, but men loved it….haiz…eat more can? Just to make ME feel better?)
4. she’s single
5. she even has a heart of gold


And the whole litany would start:
She looks so gorgeous! Why’s she still single?
She’s single? No fricking WAY!
How can such a nice gal be available?
She too picky issit?
She must have had a history.
Can I get her number?
What kind of men she looking for?


And finally,
Wah...how you get a fren like that?!


Choujidan….these would be the ppl who eventually get kicked from my list of ‘potential friends’. But the truth hurts, C is indeed and forever shall be an enigma to those who knows me and wonders about our frenship.


In a paradigm shift, the truth is now hurting my fren. C bemoans if there will be anyone for her. Her job is set in this company that doesn’t have a turnover rate, so the men are mostly old and married. She is so busy she doesn’t actively seek out a social life. The ppl whom she does meet are clients, another no-no, apart from them being also again old and married. The guys who do dig her are often too short, doesn’t share her interests, look at her with sex in their eyes or are simply too flabbergasted in her presence to remember their names.


Have I told you guys I ROMed already? I tot I would like to talk about it, but Jay beat me to the altar with a voice blog that was funnier than whatever I could have written, so thanks ah!


So now C is morosely counting the days she’ll be considered a spinster. Here her fren (me) is sitting beside her, almost miraculously attached and married in seemingly whirlwind amount of time, and she is, well…..


‘you’ll going to scold me if you knew.’


‘no no, don’t tell me! You are seeing a guy’


‘ya.’


‘and he’s Married.’


Silence then… ‘yes.’


‘And you guys had a date.’


‘ya…a few.’


‘did anything happen?’


‘er….define ‘anything’?’


‘good grief, you guys ‘romped’, didn’t you?’


‘er…..’


‘nevermind, nevermind…..we’ll get to that later. Here’s the big question: did u KNOW he was married beforehand?’


‘erm…..no…’


‘Bastard.’


Which, I feel, sums up her current squeeze pretty eloquently, I might say.


‘Did you two discuss about it?’


‘He doesn’t want to talk about it.’


With this answer, I signaled the waiter to get me another vodka lime…..I needed another drink badly.


At the expense of roping all men into a category and yet plonking every bit of penny I own, I’d say this man probably has a good wife. A good wife to keep the family afloat, leaves him free to do his work and possibly independent in caring for the kids, meaning there isn’t any big huge fault with her to warrant aggravation and a divorce. Why I say that? Because if there’s anything wrong in the marriage, he would have said something, if only to make C more willing to continue this relationship. Why not?


The thing is this: It’s easier to sian zabors this way. Tear down her defenses and puff smoke across her eyes, get her to like you for your easy charm and confidence and maturity, make her get attracted to your passionate, sexy eyes. Wait till she’s settled blissfully in the palm of your hands.


Then spring the surprise.


Well, actually he didn’t say it outright himself. A sense of self-preservation made C casually question him, and ding –dong!! Surprise! He’s confirmed her worst fears.


Is it any fault on the girl to then want to continue this relationship? Is it any fault of the lady to go between you and your family? You, who had engineered the whole set-up and anticipated that her response would be to continue because it’s too late to defend herself from an attractive, eloquent, confident man like you?


If she had known you are married first time you meet, did you think it’d be that easy? She wouldn't have touched you with a bargepole.


But I don’t censure her. Let’s face it lah, if I get angry, it’s against the guy for shutting up his mouth till it’s too late. She is my friend and I'm not her goaler.


It’s not as if she brainless and doesn’t know what she going into, rite?


And who should be the dispenser of morals anyway? Not me! I’m not particularly moral. I’m just a conformist to this gracious society called Humanity becos I’m too fricking scared to get my ass whipped in public should my dirty laundry be made to hang swinging in the breeze.


Into my 3rd vodka, I was contemplating my fren’s understandable confusion. Here comes a guy whose really great, carries himself effortlessly, is mature and liberal and makes her feel comfortable, but he’s married. It’s a low blow to keep it from her (the fucker!) but essentially it’s too darn late.


What to do?


'well, what would U do? If you were in my shoes?’


And I was stumped. I went to the restroom and walked by the bar to get another vodka. It didn’t work and I was stone-cold sober. It also meant I’m responsible for whatever’s coming out of my mouth at that point. It’s me, not the alcohol, that’s doing the talking.


And I say, ‘if he's really oh-so-attractive and pumps me full of lustful hormones, I think I would. That said, it has to be Pure unbrideled lust hor. And nothing else. Becos he isn’t gonna leave his family for anyone, never. No woman is worth an exchange of kids and an OK wife, or even an OK wife with no kids but with a joint ownership of a house. ‘Own free will’ hor, no guy would do it. No cheating woman would, for that matter either.’


‘God, woman, you’re so pragmatic.’


‘Oy, you’ll have to be, if u still want this. If you think you like him, really really like him, then don’t hor. Will get jealous every time he spends his hours away from you, you’ll get depressed and have shouting or cold shoulder matches and after all that unleased pent-up energy, he’ll not leave his wife, he’ll probably leave you, becos u are an emotional baggage he cannot afford to bear.


‘hmm…’


‘If you are sex-starved like me and if you think you like him just cos he’s a sex apparatus, then go ahead if you can take the step lah. Although he bears a bigger responsibility for his family’s own demise more than you do, becos he had the intention of going astray, U’ll have to understand that you are helping him perpetuate his infidelity. In the course of it, don’t care for him, don’t listen to his grouses with the wife and kids, don’t try to know or find out anything that can make you care to make his life better. Ignorance is Bliss. At the first sign of danger, run! Oh yah, and I'd go test for STD if I was you.’


‘What?!’


‘Wah lau! Biology lah! Check for STD. You might not be his first and you won’t be his last. If he can get away with this, you might not even be the only one during this period. You’ll have really start checking your health and hope to God he doesn’t pass anything to you. Once it does, you’re gone.’


‘Oh wow…thanks ah….’


‘You’re welcome.’


It is a wonder that C still drove me home that night. She really could have left me in the bar in a huff, but she doesn’t.


A true testament to her love for me, to paint her such a crass picture of the whole thing and still let me get away with it.


But, I mean every word I say.


I started out wanting to discuss why women like older men when they are younger, and younger men when they are older….guess I digress.


Hey, fren, u take care and I support you in whatever decision you make and if u wan me to take this post down, just give me a call. This post is dedicated to you. Think carefully siah, you're on your own on this one.



Out!

AKK

V-day Surprise!!!

hi all!

Excruciatingly busy, hahaha, i cannot even begin to describe. Mostly when i finally end the work day, I just wanna go home and crash on the bed.

So here's an excerpt of a MSN chat with Fren Z on this happy Valentine's Day. While I'll be too fricking busy to allow this commercialisation to eke out my hard-earned money, I'm not adversed to the rest of the world hugging and kissing, hehehe...

**********************

msn virgin (not really liao) says:
guess wat



Z says:
?



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
this delivery man came to me with a big bouquet of flowers



Z says:
awwwwwww.....



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
then ask me, 'are u xxx xxx xxx?'



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
i say, 'who?'

he say 'xxx xxx xxx'



Z says:
Ooops...



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
then I say 'Sorli, wrong person'



Z says:
aiyah... wasted.

wrong lumber



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
yah lor, deliveryman got lost, poor thing



Z says:
sigh....



msn virgin (not really liao) says:
So I found out the addresses for him



Z says:
hahaha...

******************************



Muahahha....story of my life....excruciatingly short post also! that's it! Love ya all, my fellow valentines!!

Out,
AKK :)

Tagged and tardy...:)

AAAHHH!!! Super Busy!!!! Tagged by Zhebin, thank you for your faith in me that I’ll come round to doing it. I guess it’s also a wake-up call to do something about the blog. Very sorry, what with all the work and the festivities!!! Afterall, now got a new family to visit liao….

In any case, here’s the stuuff!!!


4 jobs you've had in your life

- Art/Craft salesperson
- Art/Craft cashier
- Tutor
- Research Engineer….sounds so gung-ho hor, but I swear hor, it’s just mass downloading and reading fricking boring can-die journals on biocomputing…pui pui pui!!!


4 movies you could watch over and over

- First Wives Club
- Spirited Away



- The Incredibles
- Spongebob Squarepants-The Movie


4 TV shows you love(d) to watch

- CSI Miami
- CSI
- House

- Numbers
Ahem…the sign of good life and SCV!!!


4 places you've lived in

- Clementi
- Boon Lay
- Jalan Boon Lay
- PGP Hostel…yea…I had a wild life…yea…Vodka sleepovers…yea….bunch of females in pyjamas…yea…and not a single MAN in sight!!! Arrgghh!!!


4 places you've been on vacation to

- KL
- Beijing to see the Forbidden City…one word…..WAAAHHHH….

Waaaahhhhhhh!!!


- Gold Coast, Australia
- Honk Kong to stock up on manga


4 places you would rather be

- visiting museuems in different countries and buying antiques…haiz…
- visit any Biosphere as a guest or student, not tourist.

One day! I shall get there!!!

- Turkey before it gets much more dangerous
- Egypt for the pyramids….and not as a tourist, but invited to join an excavation…woohoo!!!



4 of your favourite foods

- Laksa, I drink the gravy, it’s the best part.


MMMMMmmmm........

- Crabs, lobsters, but I too poor to have them….
- Chocolate cake with any type of liquor in it….lots of liquor.
- Dim sum, again too poor to have it often.



4 websites you visit daily

- voxeros.blog-city.com
- google.com.sg
- My university homepage
- zhebineverything.blogspot.com (ya! Surprise! Me too! I don’t even visit my own site daily….)



4 tagged

- Li-er
- Nadnut
- Jaschocolate
- Wally


That's it, guys! Thanks for the tag, Zhebin, and sorry all for the lack of updates...so busy my legs are quite neng from walking and standing whole day...*groan*

Out!
AKK

HAPPY CNY!!!!

5th audio blog.....

Hi all!


Been much too busy to write blogs recently, so here's another audio blog. It's about jogging...hheeh...ya, fairly...as usual, things are never this simple.

Tragedy in the making, so pls heed the Moral of the Story in this one. It's no Joke hor, this really hurts.:)


Hope you guys have a great time with this and I'll update on you guys soon!

Gotta work!

Out!
AKK

4th audio blog...quest for C*****s with guest star N...vol 1.

Hi all!

Today is a special day for me, so I very busy, but hey! I've got a surprise for you guys. This 4th audio is talking about 2 supremely clueless gals on the quest to buy something.

My best female fren, Miss N, is the special guest star. Hey Miss N, I absolutely think you are, like, the bravest person I've met. So mext time, we do something like that, perhaps you won't need me to be present at all? I shall utterly disappear from the whole episode, muahaha...

The blog is a bit long because it's a conversation. But still, I'd like to remember it this way. it'll go down in history. Hope you all enjoy this!

To jay, thanks for the wishes and sorry to keep you waiting, but the entry had to be edited...wah lau....fricking took a long time to edit this and yet still so long....haiz...that's what happens when frens get together.

For the rest of you guys, take care and have fun! :) yippee! :)

OUT!

Akk and Miss N!!!!

Thoughts of 2005

Hiya! I just thought that being the procrastinator that I am, I’m probably a bit late in typing this entry out now, since it is about the thoughts I have for 2005. But then, the best time to write these thoughts should be in the year 2006.



1. I have finally stopped studying. I still cannot begin to describe the immense joy I derived from the simplest things like a) being able to have a holiday like CNY, X’mas with everyone else instead of spending it all alone in the culture lab staring at cells and washing test-tubes. b) having money to have nice food every once in a while and not worry. C) the joy of sleeping in on a Sunday without having a nightmare over my experiments.


2. I finally started a blog in feb?? Oh yah, it’s about the most exciting thing in my life, apart from another more exciting thingy. It started out because of the now-defunct Bubblemuche.blogspot.com, who is my eternal idol. Eternal Idol, that is, until the day I saw a pic of this hansem young man in Pilot Uniform. My whole image of the slipper-toting, singlet-wearing, skinny, bespectacled loser was thrown out of perspective. Of cos after you see something like that, it’s no longer possible to treated Neo Chee Beng as a Loser anymore, but like someone who writes loserishly….ahem…which really means he has nothing much to lose.



3. I sang this hokkien song that made it to Straits Times. I got a call from a fren in China who fairly shouted into my ears at 9am in the morn that I am Famoose! Nonsense, I say, I just sang a song. But the hoo-haa continued until I felt more comfortable removing the link. I don’t really want to do a Bubblemunche. I also partially destroyed Chuikueh’s ear-drums, and some funnyman made something out of the JPB as to truly truly embarrass the heck out of me. Muahaha…wouldn’t you like to know….



4. I got together with my best friend in the biggest sense of the word and soon to be in Holy Matrimony. ‘Nuff said or I shall start bawling again.



5. My nephew was born and I held him in my arms when he’s a month old on New Year’s Day. The feeling is indescribable. He was soft, smells real nice and was so jelly-like that his head kept flopping about. Although his vision is blur and he can’t see me, I still think he’s smiling at me. And when he cries, my heart thumps in fear that I could have hurt him in any way. Oh man, I shall have to think carefully about Motherhood….but a Mother I’ll be, by hook or by crook.



6. Someone says I’m mature……*crack* muahahahhahaha…….*wipes tears*



7. I met some friends that I’m super-duper happy to keep. U know who you are! Swee!



8. I found out about the light on the other side via the colonoscopy experience. Truly horrendous but wow, did it make a great entry!



9. My very favourite entry was one of the less popular ones. Yah, it’s the TS theory.



10. My mum had Dengue fever and I almost lost her. 2 weeks in the ICU and 1 foot thru Death’s door. Sometimes ppl need trauma like this to slap-bang their heads to accept the revelation that it is NOT embarrassing to tell your parents you love them. Fast along the heels of this knowledge is that there is indeed, a higher being and entity, that really exists. There is no need to prove such a thing, it is something that you know and realise.



11. Love is still overrated. Having great companionship, like your favorite pillow, and your most comfortable shoes, shall emerge king after the heart-thumping and roller-coaster mood swings have died down. On the other hand, familiarity often breeds contempt, which is why when I’m in the same roof with my parents, we can get shouting matches, but when I stayed in the hostel, I missed them to bits and went home as much as possible to enjoy their company. When I stay with them, I shut myself in my room. When I’m not, I take long strolls with them in the neighbourhood garden. But of cos, knowing this fact is not an excuse, it should a step towards improvement. It’s working, I think, but I need to try harder.



12. I’ve got my first Hate comment….but I deleted it becos as somebody told me, it’s easier to click ‘delete comment’ than it is to crank your brain to try and reason back. Yupz, what a genius, Z! *kowtow*.



13. I’m never going to finish my senses meme, mostly becos er….I ran out of topics for hear and smell. I have ear-wax buildup and I’m now harbouring a cold. I don’t really think anyone wants to read how well my ear-wax has been doing or how much my nose welcomes the tissue.



14. And it's never easy to say it, but I realised I was a funnier writer last time. I just read some of the older entries, esp Trim-My-Fat-Ass and I was hollering like nuts. OTOH, when I read the latest ones, I barely cracked my lips....hmmm...

15. And the biggest understatement of year 2006: Lots of things have happened in 2005.


Thanks for reading!

Out!
AKK

Chronicles of A....vol 3 : The day of tears……

Hi all!

I have been remiss in my duties. The barrage of festivities have made me extremely busy, but I ain’t complaining. For once in my life, I can honestly say that I’m actually playing more than I’m working/studying.


Now I’m writing this entry in the comforts of my own home, watching TV and enjoying a wireless connection. I’m so freaking lucky. The day is sunny, windy and I’m on leave! The day cannot go better.


But as usual, I digress. Much have happened and much as I would like to blog about them all, I couldn’t. I wanted to express my happiness and joy meeting the many friends during the last 2 weeks. Thanks goes out to J, Nad, Deek, Vanna, Jaschoc, Meepok, Hitomi, Kelawar. I also had the pleasure of my dear friends who came over to my place, our traditional X’mas celebrations have come a long way, guys! Over and over, I hope it never ends….


On the other hand, something did end. The topic of today’s blog involved somebody I loved, whom I didn’t know I loved till the last moment. Sure I knew I liked him, I’m sure I knew I would like to spend an inordinate amount of time by his side.


But dun tell me about Love. Love is overrated. Love doesn’t put food on the table, nor does it prevent 2 otherwise loving people from quarrelling and hurting each other. Love is infatuation, puppy love, a feeling that never comes when u wish for it and always refuses to go when you are dying from it.


Melodramatic ay? Yup, pls tell that to the Qiong-yao serial readers. The last time what I tot I felt was love was actually only a crush.




Now….



Oh well…..




In any case, I shall try to be as honest as I can be here under the circumstances.



Suffice to say: A and I had a disagreement, we had a quarrel. It was small enough to be trivial but big enough to be destructive.


Suffice to say: I cried. It’s not something I’m proud of. Other than reading lomance and watching lomantic movies, I hardly ever let tears fall, being usually too sensible to risk blinding my eyes with gallons of salt and having my nose stuck 10 miles long with wet tissues.


But when I cry, I bawl. Yeah, I can do the kung-fu equivalent of the Ru-Lai-Fuo-Zhang (Buddha's Palm). There is nothing delicate about me when I tear up. It’s all salt, water, mucus and a one-half box of Kleenex’s finest 3-ply.


Which was why A was so utterly bewildered and horrified. His little dirty-minded, nonya confectionery was turning extra gooey and runny, something he’d not witnessed before. His past gfs were the softly-tearing shu-nu sort. I should know, I knew them personally and have actually been witness to their delicately wet eyelashes. They cry like pageant queens and lousy beautiful actresses. They always end up looking more ethereal in the aftermath, proving once again that I shall never find out why in hell A sees in me, other than the fact that I’m not suicidal and light doesn’t project out the left side when u shine a torch into my right ear.


I swear he must have trying to find out the same thing that day too.


In any case, the quarrel ended with sorrys exchanged but needless to say, it was unresolved. I went to work with swollen eyes and feeling all out of sorts. Getting distracted at work only made me more cranky and unhappy….I even teared up again in my dad’s car and made him extra nervous with the taxis.


It was a thoroughly bad day for me, is the 21st of December.


So when the gauntlet came, it was totally unexpected. I was home alone and watching TV when A came over in the evening.




‘We need to talk.’ He said.



Oh no. My heart shrunk a bit, I think, judging by that squeezing tightness of my chest.


‘Dear’ He sighed. ‘I really do appreciate the time we have together, our friendship. Everything about us, it was wonderful. I never felt so comfortable with anyone before.'


I stared at him blankly through my panda eyes. He thinks I’m stupid. I used these same words on my ex-BF when I dumped him too. Almost word for word.


But, I thought, you'd say 'but'. There’s always a ‘but’.


‘But.’ There it is. Ha. Now, he thinks I’m an idiot. Oldest trick in the book, boy, to spring your surprise after worthless statements of hope. My eyes narrowed.



‘But,’ he continued gravely. ‘It’s not enough for me.’


This is Karma, surely! Kuan Yin is punishing me by using cruel irony. The speech might have been scripted by me 5 years ago….Salvage it, you fool! Take control of the conversation. I force open my pinched mouth, all contrite and afraid.



‘Look. If this is about yesterday, I said I was sorry. It’s not a big deal. Couples quarrel, that always happens. You can’t expect everything to always turn out sparkly and spanking clean.’


His eyes glazed. But I put my palms on the side of his face for emphasis and forced him to stare at me.


‘Nothing’s perfect. We aren’t perfect for each other. Nobody is. We have to work at it. Together. Isn’t that what we wanted? Isn’t that why we are together? What else do you need?’


A shifted uncomfortably and my heart, just now shrunken like a cherry pit, now dropped like a thousand pound dumbbell. He’s not listening nor responding.


I dropped my hands. I mused that I can hear the security locks tightening around my heart for an eventual rejection. It’s another re-run 5 years hence. Like a connoisseur, I recognized the signs and appreciated the moment, the body’s self-defense kicks in, poised for bad news.


I shall not be made to feel unwanted again. I’m strong. Of cos I can take it, I’m not born a shrinking violet. So there.


But the tears. Like brats, they run away from the whip of my eyelids. I couldn’t stop them. Idiot, I scold myself, when I see him back up again at my reaction. Where’s the iron girl he's always admired?


He left the sofa and I watched him go to the side table where he always puts his valuables. He’s going to leave. He's going totake his things and walk out.


Then he turned back and he held in his hands, a box of tissue and a package. Slowly, reverently, he pulled out a piece and passed them over my brimming eyes.


‘Don’t cry. I hate to see you cry.’ Which only made me cry all the more. Pathethic, sniveling flop that I am. He cannot see, but I love him to Bits. I didn't know last time but I knew it that instant. I do. Love him. And he says it's not enough.


‘Then don’t watch lah. Go. Leave.’ What bravado. I am amazed at myself.


He looked back curiously.


‘Leave? Why should I leave? And for that matter, why are you crying?’


I flared up like a smashed Molotof Cocktail.


‘Because! You think it’s not enough, we’re not enough, it’s not good enough! You want more! Don’t have to say it! I know it! You want out. That’s why! So go!’


To my horror, I started hiccupping again. I put my burning wet face into my hands.



‘Just go lah. Leave me in peace.’


He sighed. And retaliated.



‘Sometimes you are just so drama. You think you’re sensible and practical, but you aren’t. You sing like Elmo, then sometimes you sing like a Pro. You even cry like a water-hose. Half the time, I don’t even understand what’s going on inside your little head.’


He took my hand and slowly force open my wet palm and placed a round velvet ball in my hand.


‘I don’t know what you are trying to achieve by coming all teary over me. If it was about yesterday, it’s already over. Didn’t we say sorry together?’


I fingered the red velvet unconsciously while he continued scolding. I realized what had started out as a sigh from him was actually an enormous temper threatening to erupt.


‘It wasn’t enough. Of cos it wasn’t enough. We are damn good friends for longer than 5 years, don’t you know me or who I am? Think, will you?! Think!’



There was more to the outburst but I wasn’t listening.


I was staring at the red hard ball in my hand.


It had hinges.


My eyes grew wide.


Then just as fast as he started the tirade, he stopped and plucked the ball from my fingers and with the other arm, he wound it around me to bring me right up against him on the sofa. Then as fast as his temper came, it went swiftly and was replaced with a slow smile. He gave a quick hug and said, ‘No matter. That is over and done with. In fact, I have a surprise for you.’


And he opened it.


‘Funny how you actually said ‘sparkly’ just now. I thought you already knew.’


Nestled in the white cushions was a ‘sparkly’ starburst. I was struck speechless.


‘Now, I know we just quarreled yesterday but it’s a trivial thing. We’re good friends, dear, we always find a way to work it out. As for this, I went and got it today for Christmas, but once I had it, I couldn’t wait...... Oy. Hello?....Oy!’


He headbutted me to get my attention.


Dumbly, I looked up from the ring. It was all too bewildering. One minute I thought it’s over, the next….




‘Will you marry me?’




'I....we.....' I was incoherent. My mind, being geared for a painful withdrawal, wasn't prepared for a sudden 180 turnabout.



Then what should happen but that the faucet started turning again…


A did another double-take when I grabbed his shirt to my face and wailed mercilessly into his polo-tee.



‘Wah lau! Don’t you ever stop crying? Damn, where’s the tissue?’



And amid his frantic rush for a 3-ply Kleenex, I gave the most fearsome bawl I’ve ever had onto his chest. Ring all but forgotten on the coffee table.


It was a weirdest feeling. The sensation of crying due to sheer joy.






Yes. I’ll marry you.

Yes. I love you.

Thank you. For loving me back.

Thank you. For everything.

Out!

AKK:) *no more tears*